Question in talking to multiple guys initial dating

[Sarah777]

Hi guys

I was talking to a guy for 6 months since May. he got serious pretty fast, told his parents before we even first met, told me he loved me after a month. I had to be careful it wasnt just love bombing. So that time i was also talking to another guy and stopped with him end of June. This guy in July tells me he wants to get married soon and asked if i was talking to anyone else. I told him i was but have since stopped, tho he msgs n i have to just let him know I'm not interested anymore. I told this guy straight up and he was initally upset but later ok. Now for 4 months our relationship progressed so well, i met his parents, we discussed marriage plans etc. Few days ago, after a nice day he started questioning me on that guy and blew up saying everytime he asks me my story changes on when we last talked and that I played him and lied. He forced me to show my phone history with him and i did, which showed june was the last we talked. He started comparing our msgs from those days saying oh this was the day i came to see u , this day i got you choclate and u were talkin to him still and 1 hr phone call on this day n this day. Made me feel like garbage. I never even met that first guy in person. 

I said to him i told you i was talking to someone when u asked in July honestly but stopped months ago. It took time for me to be on the same pg as u. He was grilling me and calling me a liar. I started crying and i never cry. He said i dont care how this made him feel that he was in love and serious, whereas i was exploring other options..and now we have stopped talking.

Honestly, was it wrong of me to have been talking to 2 guys at the same time in the beginning two months? i never claimed to be exclusive but he says titles dont matter. I should have known he was serious from the getgo and he already told me he loved me and all. I made a mistake even telling him i know.

This is just so distressing. We are both divorced and in our 30s. I tried to explain thats how it is in the beginning with pple u meet on the apps but he disagrees and feels played. What do u guys think? Was i wrong and is he right to feel betrayed?

 

[Andrina]

The timeline and how many in person dates happened is a bit unclear, but it sounds like months went by before you two even met in person, and so is it the case you physically dated for a few months and were already meeting parents and discussing marriage? If so, what a great example of why you never make major decisions like moving in together, marriage, introducing each other's children to a new love interest, if there are any children, etc., until you've gone well past the honeymoon stage. Usually a year is a good amount of time to see a person in all their realistic glory, in a variety of situations.

Lucky for you, he showed his true colors before you actually went through a ceremony. He's a toxic nutcase. People should always assume a person they are going on dates with might be communicating with and dating others. If a person isn't into multidating and against a potential partner doing so, he needs to speak up at the time and if his "date" doesn't agree, he should just walk away at that time. 

He is unreasonable and punishing you for a crime you didn't commit. If your self-worth is what it should be, when he started his interrogation, you should've shut him down and exited his life that very second. Just because someone asks you a question, it doesn't mean you have to answer. I've been asked questions by men I've chosen not to answer if I would find it to be more harmful than helpful, or something that was none of his business and I wasn't comfortable answering.

Block him, because he no longer deserves a spot in your life. He's likely the type who will return to at first act all flowery and then turn once again from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.

[spinstermanquee]

35 minutes ago, Sarah777 said:

...i told you i was talking to someone when u asked in July honestly but stopped months ago. It took time for me to be on the same pg as u. He was grilling me and calling me a liar.

if he's going to jump all over you for something that happened that early in the relationship, when boundaries were not drawn, when you were not committed, etc. then that is how the rest of your relationship is going to be.  he is going to "grill" you, question everything, and put you on the defensive.  you don't need that!  good luck

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Sarah777 said:

I was talking to a guy for 6 months since May. he got serious pretty fast, told his parents before we even first met, told me he loved me after a month. I had to be careful it wasnt just love bombing. So that time i was also talking to another guy and stopped with him end of June.

I'm not a fan of multi-dating and I think it's important to be open and honest about your intentions and communication when it comes to dating so talking to two people at the same time tells me that you weren't ready to invest in either.

Did you make it clear before he asked about exclusivity, that you were not trying to be exclusive and possibly dated others? Were you sleeping with both men? Or were you just talking to the second man online?

I dislike the, "well, you never asked" type arguments because I think people know when they want to be exclusive and especially marriage is being discussed and it's a good idea to be transparent. 

Not saying my opinion is the correct one it's just what came to mind.

I know it's not the same for everyone and a period of exploration before exclusivity but clarity and not hiding something or getting serious unexpectedly is important.

Yes, the guy sounds like he was coming on too strong too fast too. That's when you could have pumped the breaks and said that you needed things to go slower until you see if this is serious and you were still trying to figure that out.

He was barreling ahead regardless of snippets of information that could have changed the route of things with you.

Is this the same man?

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Sarah777 said:

What do u guys think? Was i wrong and is he right to feel betrayed?

I think two things can be true at once. For example lots of people uses "exclusivity" as a shield. That, just because you werent officially committed to each other, you can freely talk and date others. Which, to be fair, you can, its a free country. But as you can see, the other side doesnt have to like that.

But yes, I do agree with others that your guy is a loon. Forced you to show him your phone and acting so obsessively? Calling you names?  That is just way too much. After few months "rose colored glasses" slip and you see the real person on the other side of the relationship. What you see is who he is. Obsessive and abusive man who bursts at you as soon as he finds even something is wrong. Take this as seriously as possible and reexamine if you want somebody like this for a relationship.

[Sarah777]

34 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I'm not a fan of multi-dating and I think it's important to be open and honest about your intentions and communication when it comes to dating so talking to two people at the same time tells me that you weren't ready to invest in either.

Did you make it clear before he asked about exclusivity, that you were not trying to be exclusive and possibly dated others? Were you sleeping with both men? Or were you just talking to the second man online?

I dislike the, "well, you never asked" type arguments because I think people know when they want to be exclusive and especially marriage is being discussed and it's a good idea to be transparent. 

Not saying my opinion is the correct one it's just what came to mind.

I know it's not the same for everyone and a period of exploration before exclusivity but clarity and not hiding something or getting serious unexpectedly is important.

Yes, the guy sounds like he was coming on too strong too fast too. That's when you could have pumped the breaks and said that you needed things to go slower until you see if this is serious and you were still trying to figure that out.

He was barreling ahead regardless of snippets of information that could have changed the route of things with you.

Is this the same man?

 

Yea it is the same guy. And things escalated to this after i showed him my phone. 

I never slept with either. Guy 1 and i only talked on the phone for 2 months, never met in life.

Guy 2 and i have been dating and seeing each other. I just dropped Guy 1 after 2 months because things progressed with me and guy 2 and we became official and on the same page.

 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

He's a toxic nutcase.

I agree. OP, this won't get better, it will only get worse. The guy will gnaw this bone as an excuse to mistreat you for the duration you are with him. I hope you'll reach out to a Domestic Violence Prevention Hotline on the Internet for a referral to services local to you. They will help you with a safe plan to get out of this thing with this guy.

Whatever you've read about lovebombing didn't help you to screen this guy out. Now he's hostile and possibly dangerous. I'd get away from him ASAP.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Sarah777 said:

Yea it is the same guy. And things escalated to this after i showed him my phone. 

I never slept with either. Guy 1 and i only talked on the phone for 2 months, never met in life.

Guy 2 and i have been dating and seeing each other. I just dropped Guy 1 after 2 months because things progressed with me and guy 2 and we became official and on the same page.

I think he is within his right to feel like ick, but probably didn't help that he was jumping to conclusions though.

I think he was a bit too excited where he put himself out there real quick and might have scared you into talking to a few guys. You might have thought, whoa, I need to make sure this isn't love bombing.

Dude sounds like he has a few cases of bad luck while on dating apps. I would cut him some slack but really hard to ignore the red flags too. 🤔

Whatever the case, he's decided that he can't overlook it and has chosen to end the relationship versus acknowledging that you were not officially a couple yet. Happened quick, but it happens I guess.

I'm not a fan of people moving very fast, just to slow way down. But it happens. 🤷

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Sarah777 said:

Honestly, was it wrong of me to have been talking to 2 guys at the same time in the beginning two months? i never claimed to be exclusive but he says titles dont matter. I should have known he was serious from the getgo and he already told me he loved me and all. I made a mistake even telling him i know.

It only would have been wrong if you two had promised to be exclusive (somehow even before meeting??) - then it wouldn't have been cheating to "talk" -anyone can talk to anyone -but at some point it's inconsistent with being exclusive.  

I always kept all options open and dated whoever until I was exclusive -until we discussed that and decided mutually.  I didn't have casual sex. 

My reason was because I was looking for marriage and especially in my 30s there was no way I was going to  focus on someone I just met and forego opportunities to  meet men who might also be good matches or better matches -hard enough to meet people without putting restrictions based on going out with someone a couple of times. 

Where I did all my dating -major city for over 2 decades that's how the people I knew and knew of dated - no one assumed exclusivity. Sexual monogamy -sometimes -but that didn't apply to me because I didn't have sex before we were exclusive. 

I didn't "talk" to men - I've always had male friends -still do - I've always talked to men and women -some are coworkers, some acquaintances, some close friends, some men I dated, some I had serious relationships with and I am married to a wonderful man -we didn't talk today as he is traveling lol.

I really don't get this whole "talking" thing -if I was interested in dating a man we went on dates once he asked me -with rare exception I asked him. We talked on the dates, talked some between dates. 

If we were already friends and knew each other obviously we'd been having conversations prior to going on a date.  If we met and were attracted to each other the next step was to go on a date if dating was the plan - or once in awhile it was just a vacation fling or a brief hookup.  I think inserting this "talking" thing as if it's some stage having to do with dating needlessly complicates things. 

I had one guy after thanking me SO much for honestly telling him after two dates that I didn't feel enough chemistry and didn't want him to travel an hour again  to see me a third time then harassed me over email the next day as to how I'd lead him on by talking to him every night in between our two dates and a couple of times before we met in person.  I enjoyed talking with him.  We had two dates.  We were not exclusive and I never promised to see him again a third time. He obviously went off the deep end.  The last email apologized and asked if we could still be friends (um - nope).  I dodged a bullet and no of course I didn't lead him on. I was 38 and he was around the same age. Apparently my "talking" was leading him on (then he realized how bizarre that was).  Okkkkkk

[shouldhavelearned]

If it bothers you, just break it off. 

Nice and simple

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

...he's decided that he can't overlook it and has chosen to end the relationship versus acknowledging that you were not officially a couple yet. Happened quick, but it happens I guess.

I missed this part, and sorry about suggesting you get out of this if he's already gone. OP, this is a blessing in disguise. The guy was imposing his mental problems on you. You have every right to speak with as many potential matches as you wish, even at the same time. There's nothing 'wrong' with that, but more importantly, it's also nobody else's business.

If anyone with whom you're not exclusive, or who you haven't even met yet, asks you anything about your dating activity or about speaking with other men, just shut them down. Don't reply, unmatch them, and move forward, because that's intrusive and disrespectful, and it will not stop there. Such behavior only escalates the more you remain in contact with them. Doing so is agreeing to their breach of your privacy, and so the behavior will only get worse and more hostile over time.

[smackie9]

IMO things are way to ugly to carry on. Already he has trust issues...and I'm gonna take a guess, he doesn't really trust women at all in the first place.

[SophiaG]

17 hours ago, Sarah777 said:

He forced me to show my phone history with him and i did, which showed june was the last we talked. He started comparing our msgs from those days saying oh this was the day i came to see u , this day i got you choclate and u were talkin to him still and 1 hr phone call on this day n this day. Made me feel like garbage. I never even met that first guy in person. 

17 hours ago, Sarah777 said:

He was grilling me and calling me a liar. I started crying and i never cry. He said i dont care how this made him feel that he was in love and serious, whereas i was exploring other options..and now we have stopped talking.

I'm so sorry. This is the reason why you want to be cautious with someone who "wants to get married soon" before they even met you and rush through the process of getting to know each other, meeting family and friends, etc. He's a controlling creep and might be abusive actually. I know it must hurt but you're better off seeing this side of him before engagement/marriage so you can get yourself out of his manipulative grip sooner. Please don't go back for more abuse.

[SophiaG]

16 hours ago, Sarah777 said:

Yea it is the same guy. And things escalated to this after i showed him my phone. 

I never slept with either. Guy 1 and i only talked on the phone for 2 months, never met in life.

Guy 2 and i have been dating and seeing each other. I just dropped Guy 1 after 2 months because things progressed with me and guy 2 and we became official and on the same page.

 

You did nothing wrong. Getting to know multiple people, or even going on dates with them, is not cheating or shady behavior as long as you don't make them think you are committed to one or more of them. Once you get more serious and emotionally involved with one person - then sure drop others and talk about exclusivity/relationship - but in this day and age how can one choose one person they barely know from many similar candidates to invest in? Just because he was love bombing doesn't mean you have to reciprocate and treat him like your exclusive partner. Who knows if he was love bombing multiple women and see who bites since he was eager to get married? Did you demand to see his phone as well? He already asked if you were talking to others - a rude and unnecessary question - but you'd answered truthfully back then. He chose to proceed and now doesn't get to be like "ick" months later and torment you for it. Actually, next time see this love bombing, wanting to get married immediately, asking about other men, etc. as glaring red flags early on and drop him like a hot potato. If you were talking with more men from the beginning you'd likely find someone more balanced and won't need to entertain this insecure d*ck.

[yogacat]

13 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I missed this part, and sorry about suggesting you get out of this if he's already gone. OP, this is a blessing in disguise. The guy was imposing his mental problems on you. You have every right to speak with as many potential matches as you wish, even at the same time. There's nothing 'wrong' with that, but more importantly, it's also nobody else's business.

If anyone with whom you're not exclusive, or who you haven't even met yet, asks you anything about your dating activity or about speaking with other men, just shut them down. Don't reply, unmatch them, and move forward, because that's intrusive and disrespectful, and it will not stop there. Such behavior only escalates the more you remain in contact with them. Doing so is agreeing to their breach of your privacy, and so the behavior will only get worse and more hostile over time.

I don't really agree with you so we'll have to agree to disagree. I don't condone his over the top behavior but your whole post suggests that you exclusively dated others besides your extrationship you knew he was serious. If you think dating multiple people is fine, doesn't hurt anyone's feelings and treats people respectfully or decently, so be it.

[rainbowsandroses]

19 hours ago, Andrina said:

He's a toxic nutcase. 

Agree and nuff said.  Consider this a huge bullet dodged! 

Lord. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@Sarah777watch the movie "It Ends With Us" a very realistic portrayal of a man obsessively and unreasonably jealous and not having the ability to control his actions. 

He also came on extremely strong and full on like your guy.  Red flag imo and experience.

Anyway, that's what's key here, the fact he was unable to control his actions in response to his jealousy.  Interrogating you, grilling you, demanding to see your phone messages, NOT trusting you!

That movie really hit home for me, and was a very difficult watch. 

You will get over this and in time realize what a huge bullet you dodged. 

I'm sorry and hope you feel better soon. 

[rainbowsandroses]

49 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I don't really agree with you so we'll have to agree to disagree. I don't condone his over the top behavior but your whole post suggests that you exclusively dated others besides your extrationship you knew he was serious. If you think dating multiple people is fine, doesn't hurt anyone's feelings and treats people respectfully or decently, so be it.

YC, my read was @Sarah777 wasn't dating the other guy or multidating. 

They were online chatting/texting prior to her ever meeting the current guy. 

It wasn't clear to me if she continued chatting after meeting the current guy in person but in any event when it became serious and exclusive she cut it off.

Sarah can you clarify the timeline? 

 

[yogacat]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

YC, my read was @Sarah777 wasn't dating the other guy or multidating. 

They were online chatting/texting prior to her ever meeting the current guy. 

It wasn't clear to me if she continued chatting after meeting the current guy in person but in any event when it became serious and exclusive she cut it off.

Sarah can you clarify the timeline? 

She was talking to another guy online and never met or did meet and it didn't work out? 

It appears that Sarah was talking to the other guy online and never met him in person. So there was some overlap, but it was during the very beginning stages of getting to know the current guy. 

I just don't buy into this whole, well, we were never exclusive or had the talk, so it's okay to talk to as many people as you want. 

Now, do I think this man has some insecurity issues and blew things out of proportion? Yes. But I also think Sarah could have been more upfront and honest in the beginning about still continuing to talk to other people, even if it was only for a short period of time before things became exclusive with the current guy.

I think the reason for the breakdown in trust was that the current guy didn't know about the other guy until recently and felt like Sarah was hiding something from him. He may have felt like he was being strung along and that his feelings weren't being taken seriously. There may have been underlying insecurities or trust issues that were triggered by this situation. Ultimately, it was a misunderstanding and miscommunication that led to the breakdown in trust. 

Whateves, he decided he didn't want to continue the relationship after finding out about the other guy and that is his decision. She wasn't in the wrong, but there are certainly things that she could have handled better in order to prevent this breakdown in trust.

The reason she was talking to this other man is because she seemed to think the first man was moving way too fast, and bet he was. But how how many times have we read about when someone knows that someone is the one, they got married very quickly. So we are basically at a crossroads. Either feelings are there or they aren't.

[ShySoul]

People can talk to whoever they want to, at any time. It's not for anyone else to control us to the point of saying who we can or can not speak to.

He has displayed insecurity and jealousy from the start. 

He expects you to know things without actually talking about it together as healthy couple do.

He was eager to rush into marriage when you had barely even been together.

He accuses you and forces you into doing things to prove yourself.

He calls you a liar.

Despite his behavior, he labels you as the toxic one. But he then graciously forgives you (that's sarcasm).

He goes days without speaking to you.

None of this should be acceptable in a relationship. You deserve better.

[ShySoul]

No one should also be expected or made to cut off ties with people just to please someone else and prevent their jealousy issues.

Him accusing you of lying and being toxic is projection. It is a reflection of how he feels about himself, knowing that his behavior is toxic. It's easy to label someone a nutcase and be critical of him. It's harder to acknowledge the faults and be honest about them and what needs to be done, while still caring for the person. He has a lot of issues to work through that currently makes him an unhealthy partner for anyone. He is a very damaged individual who needs to heal himself and address the problems he has, not blame and damage others. While his acts are clearly wrong, I hope he can one day realize that himself and be better. Though still not with you.

You are far better off without an unstable person like this.

You were fine and justified in everything you said and did. This is on him. Please, don't let this get you down. You deserve better.

[yogacat]

Anyway Sarah, sorry he dumped you.

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I just don't buy into this whole, well, we were never exclusive or had the talk, so it's okay to talk to as many people as you want. 

If they drag it on at some point this will become sketchy, yes. But people do socialize and get to know others before they develop feelings and expecting them to stop talking to everyone else as soon as they start talking to you/hanging out with you is simply unrealistic.

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

But I also think Sarah could have been more upfront and honest in the beginning about still continuing to talk to other people, even if it was only for a short period of time before things became exclusive with the current guy.

I think the reason for the breakdown in trust was that the current guy didn't know about the other guy until recently and felt like Sarah was hiding something from him.

Read the OP again. He asked her early on if she was talking with anyone else and she said yes.

In any case his behavior (demanding to see her phone, interrogating her with details from months ago, etc.) is beyond a bit insecurity and screaming toxic, controlling, abusive tendencies to me. All else is irrelevant at this point.

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Whateves, he decided he didn't want to continue the relationship after finding out about the other guy and that is his decision. She wasn't in the wrong, but there are certainly things that she could have handled better in order to prevent this breakdown in trust.

I don't think OP said definitively they broke up. Actually given his actions so far I'd highly doubt he'd leave OP alone forever. It's not unlikely he'll get in touch in a few days or weeks and make more accusations and demands. Therefore I think it's important OP stands her ground and avoids being roped into further gaslighting and abuse.

36 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Anyway Sarah, sorry he dumped you.

Again, not sure this is what happened but if so I'd congratulate her: Good riddance! When dating an abusive person you don't want to walk on eggshells to stay on their good side to prevent "breakdown of trust" you want to be yourself so you can see their true colors before it's too late. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

36 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

If they drag it on at some point this will become sketchy, yes. But people do socialize and get to know others before they develop feelings and expecting them to stop talking to everyone else as soon as they start talking to you/hanging out with you is simply unrealistic.

Read the OP again. He asked her early on if she was talking with anyone else and she said yes.

In any case his behavior (demanding to see her phone, interrogating her with details from months ago, etc.) is beyond a bit insecurity and screaming toxic, controlling, abusive tendencies to me. All else is irrelevant at this point.

I don't think OP said definitively they broke up. Actually given his actions so far I'd highly doubt he'd leave OP alone forever. It's not unlikely he'll get in touch in a few days or weeks and make more accusations and demands. Therefore I think it's important OP stands her ground and avoids being roped into further gaslighting and abuse.

Again, not sure this is what happened but if so I'd congratulate her: Good riddance! When dating an abusive person you don't want to walk on eggshells to stay on their good side to prevent "breakdown of trust" you want to be yourself so you can see their true colors before it's too late. 

I agree with this^. 

His behavior was stifling, suffocating, anxiety-provoking, possessive, insecure and like I said reflects an inability to control his emotions and frankly psycho!

Again watch "It Ends With Us."

The male protagonist in the movie displayed this same extreme and possessive behavior early in.

He turned out to be an unstable  jealous "monster" who punched her in the face, pushed her down the stairs and raped her due to his jealousy of Lily's male friend she'd known (and dated) in HS.

That movie had such a powerful effect on me, I was literally shaking the entire time watching it.

Pay attention to the early warning signs and research abusive relationships.

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I just don't buy into this whole, well, we were never exclusive or had the talk, so it's okay to talk to as many people as you want. 

You have every right to insist that you'll only meet one person at a time with no other irons in your fire in terms of messaging anyone else. Prescribing that others 'should' behave that way is extreme, and it's something you may want to reveal up front to anyone you'll want to meet.