Having feelings for someone else

[Jonathan12]

Hi everyone! I am pretty new here. I have a situation which makes my life very hard and I hope I will not be judged for it 😞 I am in a long-term relationship of more than 5 years. Recently (in last 1 year I would say) I have strong feelings for someone else who also happens to be a very close friend of my girlfriend. I just cannot stop thinking about the alternate universe where I would be with that friend instead of my girlfriend. Just for clarity, it is not a sexual thing as I would say objectively my girlfriend is better-looking than her. But I think I just like and appreciate how calm and friendly she is compared to my girlfriend who has some stress/anger issues. I have discussed these anger issues with my girlfriend too. I assume I am attracted to something that is lacking in my relationship but even acknowledging this it is just not easy to handle all these mixed feelings. This friend is also close with me. She actually lives far away but we were together a couple of days ago and we had great time. I really enjoy her company. But I do not think or believe she has the same feelings for me. Even if she did she would not admit it as my girlfriend is in the picture. Anyways, I would appreciate any advice maybe preferably from someone who went through the similar experience. Thank you!

[Batya33]

Newsflash - sexual attraction isn't necessarily related to whether one person is objectively better looking than another -meaning if you are a person who has some objective notion of what is "hot".  So don't self soothe by telling yourself that because your girlfriend is prettier you can't possibly be sexually attracted to her friend.

So.  It is highly unlikely you can ever date her friend unless the friend ends that friendship for reasons having nothing to do with you.   I mean sure if she picks you over her friend that can happen but -that's kind of icky of her to do then.  

You don't need to handle mixed feelings other than by reacting in a way where you are loyal to your girlfriend if you choose to stick around and perhaps go to individual or couples counseling or you end things with her since you're seeing that you are highly tempted to leave and date someone else.  Feelings aren't facts and the only thing that matters is that you act on those feelings consistent with being a loyal, honest person of integrity.  But- no - I think it's highly unlikely you can date her friend and anyway she lives far away, right?

[catfeeder]

Crushes can hit anyone, in any stage of life, even if we're already partnered up. So, while I wouldn't beat myself up, I'd refer back to the ways I learned how to manage crushes on celebrities or teachers or other inappropriate people when I was younger. Crushes can be signposts of what we believe we're not getting in our own lives.

I think you're right that this isn't about a physical type or something merely sexual. It sounds like your relationship with the friend models for you aspects of what you want in a relationship. There isn't much else you can take from this situation without harming everyone involved, but you can use the information to work through whether or not you love your partner enough to remain in this relationship.

If so, consider whether you may want to pursue some private counseling to explore what this crush is telling you, and whether there are ways to resolve that in your own social life, or maybe you'll want to take what you discover to couple's counseling to learn ways to negotiate and navigate with your partner to become more satisfied.

[Andrina]

10 hours ago, Jonathan12 said:

But I think I just like and appreciate how calm and friendly she is compared to my girlfriend who has some stress/anger issues. I have discussed these anger issues with my girlfriend too

You've likely lost the strong emotional connection I'm assuming you once shared with your partner because of your unhappiness with her anger/stress issues. This has left you susceptible to the one-sided crush you've now developed on her friend. Some people in your shoes sometimes find themselves in emotional affairs with a co-worker when something major is missing in their primary relationship and they wind up crossing boundaries. 

So, as stated, if you care enough about your partner to not want a breakup, ask her to attend couples counseling to see if any improvements can be made. If it doesn't work after a good amount of time trying, or you feel like you'd prefer to break up now, then you will be a free agent.

I'm not saying you should try for her friend, ever. Don't do that crappy thing to close friends. The friend happening is just a signal for you to make major changes in your life. Do not communicate with her friend by text or chats if you do in fact have her number. Don't fool yourself that it's okay behavior. Let your partner spend alone time with your friend and you make yourself busy in other activities. And if you do breakup, after so many years with your partner, you should give yourself a minimum of 6 months before dating, and better yet, a year. People who don't give themselves alone time to process the end of one partnership before jumping into something new do themselves a disservice. It's also unfair for someone new to be your rebound if you're not fully ready. Often, we feel we are ready but we're not really. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Jonathan12]

I really appreciate all the replies. I can very honestly say that it is not a sexual thing. I am very sure about this. I feel like I should make this clear.

I know that we need to work on this stress/anger issues with my girlfriend but I have already told her this several times. I am not saying I am an ideal person or boyfriend. I am pretty sure my girlfriend also has some issues with my personality and I acknowledge that even if I do get in a relationship with this friend of ours I might discover something else from her side that I do not appreciate that much. Because dating and being in a relationship is different I get that.

 

It is just I know her for about 4 years now. I mean I knew her before but not that close we were just studying together that’s it. Then I got to know her we spent some time together and I already felt at that time this close connection of ours. It is just recently that I realized I actually have strong feelings for her.

 

Also I cannot just block her because it will be weird and very suspicious. We do talk from time to time but as I said she lives far away - so I don’t really have a chance even if I wanted to act upon it.

 

I was also thinking to talk to my girlfriend about these anger issues again. But this is not the first time to be honest. It has come to a situation where I genuinely don’t believe she will get over these stress issues anymore. I don’t know. I am not saying I want to break up with her. It’s just really difficult and having these feelings against that friend does not make it any easier. I just cannot wait to see that friend again. I can’t help it :(

[Batya33]

Maybe the way you talk to her about what you call her anger issues isn't as effective as it could be.  I think it matters a lot how those sorts of issues are approached and discussed.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Jonathan12 said:

I acknowledge that even if I do get in a relationship with this friend of ours ...

I would nix ideas like this from my vocabulary. Even if you were to ever break up with your partner, targeting her close friend would be a low move. But your crush IS a signal that you are not happy with your current relationship. I'd use that as my impetus to pursue professional help, whether privately or with my partner.

Quote

I was also thinking to talk to my girlfriend about these anger issues again. But this is not the first time to be honest. It has come to a situation where I genuinely don’t believe she will get over these stress issues anymore. I don’t know. I am not saying I want to break up with her.

You can ask GF if she's willing to try couples counseling for both of you to learn better ways to negotiate rather than fight. If she declines, stress how important it is to you, and caution that her final decision will tell you how much your relationship means to her. If she's unwilling, you'll have your answer about expecting any changes from her.

From there, you can ask yourself whether you want to stay or go. If you stay, consider getting professional help for yourself, which might aid you in making changes on your own that might positively impact your relationship. If you decide to go, then the next question becomes, "When?"

[SophiaG]

19 hours ago, Jonathan12 said:

I was also thinking to talk to my girlfriend about these anger issues again. But this is not the first time to be honest. It has come to a situation where I genuinely don’t believe she will get over these stress issues anymore. I don’t know. I am not saying I want to break up with her. It’s just really difficult and having these feelings against that friend does not make it any easier. I just cannot wait to see that friend again. I can’t help it 😞

Unfortunately it sounds like the best option might be to break up and leave both your gf and her friend alone. If you can't help desiring her friend while being in contact with her I don't think you have the motivation or willingness to work on your relationship anymore. Please don't approach the friend after your breakup and ruin their friendship.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

Please don't approach the friend after your breakup and ruin their friendship.

Yes, decency and ethics need to override a "But I want that!" childish mentality. Adulting is doing what's right. There are certainly hundreds of single women in your locale whom you could potentially meet through OLD, Meetup.com group, volunteer work, dance lessons, etc. And you wouldn't be crossing any boundaries nor ruining a friendship while pursuing the one who strikes a spark.

[ShySoul]

It is possible and probably even common to have a crush on someone while in a relationship with someone else. It doesn't mean there is a problem or anyone is doing something wrong. I have been completely in love and devoted to someone, yet found myself thinking of another woman because I was attracted to a specific quality they had. Didnt mean I was going to pursue the other woman or that I cared for my love any less.

There are two issues. The girl you have feelings for, try to see it as a harmless crush. As long as it stays in fantasyland, it is fine. Don't pursue it. Just see her as a friend whose company you enjoy. Don't even think about what could happen down the road. If things ever reach that point, you can deal with it then.

For now you need to focus on the person you are with. As you do seem to love and care for her, talk to her and work on whatever issues you might have. There is no reason you need to break up if you still care for her. Do what you need to in order to address and resolve things, coming to a compromise that works for both of you. Focus on the good things in the relationship and remember them. Work together without judgment or criticism. If you've been with someone this long, it's worth it to exhaust every possibility in resolving things.

[SophiaG]

28 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

I have been completely in love and devoted to someone, yet found myself thinking of another woman because I was attracted to a specific quality they had.

I have to disagree - if you are thinking of another woman I wouldn't say you're "completely in love" with your girl!

But otherwise, yes minds can stray while in a relationship and it's not necessarily the end of the world. Healthy couples can catch themselves before straying too far and fall back in love with each other. However in OP's case it sounds like he couldn't stop obsessing over the other girl and to make things worse, it's his gf's friend. I bet the gf will feel betrayed and disgusted if she knows what he feels. Not to mention he seems to have lost confidence to overcome her "anger issues" or fall back in love with her.

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, SophiaG said:

I have to disagree - if you are thinking of another woman I wouldn't say you're "completely in love" with your girl!

The heart doesn't always follow regular rules of math. I can be 100% in love with one woman, and 10% attracted to someone else. Doesn't have to necessarily add up to 100.

Though honestly, I wish it was like you say. I'd love to be into one person and never even notice anyone else. Just hasn't been what I've observed.

Also agree, it's probably best not to say anything and just focus on giving the current relationship a go. There are enough issues as is and they need undivided attention and effort before anything else can be concentrated on.