Need help figuring out where to go with my relationship

[asherlikesgnomes]

Hi there-

This does contain mentions of suicide/self-harm, sexual assault, and bullying, so just be aware of that if you're uncomfortable with any of those topics.

 

For a few months now, I've been dating my boyfriend, who I'll simply refer to as Jay. We're both transgender (FtM) and young.

We've been really good friends for about two years now, and our relationship grew substantially closer around last year. We tell each other pretty much everything and rely on each other heavily. Around a year and a half or so ago, he confessed that he liked me, and I declined respectfully and all was well. However, there were also things going on around that time regarding our friend group, which had grown a lot of drama due to J feeling left out and unwanted because our friends were going behind his back and planning without him. There was basically a big blow-out that led to our friend group dissolving, left with just J and I remaining friends.

I confessed to him over text around June/July of this year because I'd been feeling slight attraction to him. We'd been best friends for a while now and as I mentioned, grew quite a bit closer. He agreed and admitted that he'd never lost interest and me, and things were great for a while. I felt into it and was really happy, and I didn't have any doubts.

However, things have gotten really complicated. I'm not attracted to him, and I'm frankly not sure I ever truly was. I feel as though what I'd probably been feeling was just platonic attraction because he was transitioning a bit and starting to really feel himself. Despite this, there is a big issue, and it's that I'm afraid to break up with him.

If it were anyone else, I'd probably be brave enough to stand up for myself and break it off respectfully. However, J has autism, depression, and ADHD and for that reason, he's often outcasted because he doesn't act like "normal." He has a few friends, but he has grown really attached to me. I'm his main source of emotional support. He's been through bullying and sexual assault, and is a very emotionally vulnerable person, which is why I hate continuing to play with his feelings.

Lately, he's been self-harming and it's been progressively getting worse. I've done all I can to listen and help out, but there's only so much I can do for a person who doesn't accept mental help from anyone other than me and has a great dependence on me. It's a lot of pressure and is making my life miserable. In the nicest way possible, I can't handle his feelings.

He's a greatly physically affectionate person which makes things even more difficult. Given that I'm not attracted to him, I feel awkward engaging in it with him and often brush him off as much as I can. I know it hurts him, but I've tried to communicate and it seems to just be forgotten. I know he doesn't do it on purpose, but at this point, I feel bad saying no to him in fear of hurting his feelings when it comes to anything. I've grown afraid of him hurting himself when I'm not around, and I know that breaking up with him could tear him apart. He's lonely and desperate, and I don't want to abandon him like so many others have. But it feels worse to continue pretending that I'm in love with him when I'm not.

 

I know this is probably really long-winded and repetitive, but if you were patient enough to real all of this, please give me some advice. Thank you.

[Batya33]

I would approach this in two ways - tell Jay you are not attracted romantically.  Then tell an adult about your concerns about his mental health struggles/self harm -get the right adults involved to the best of your ability -if he is young especially he doesn't need affirmatively to seek help.  But you know he is in danger of hurting himself so make sure adults know ASAP.