Gf upset over stupid advice my friends said to me

[wsddddddd]

About a month ago my friends were telling me some *** advice about dating. They said I should keep my options open, as in when other women try to talk to me I shouldn't fully cut them off or end it, but keep it open incase something bad happens with my current gf. Not like all out cheating/flirting, just not cutting them off.

Now I know this is bs, I don't really listen to them and when they say it I just brush it off or don't reply and change the subject. Me and one of my closer friends from that group also agreed that the others' advice is kind of ***ty and I shouldn't listen to them when it comes to dating.

Now, a week after they said that and I'd even completely forgotten, my girlfriend had unknowingly took my phone and gone through my chats on their server. She'd seen what they said and broke out into tears infront of me. I was confused but she then confronted me about it, and I tried to tell her I don't care about what they have to say and I'd never do such a thing or listen to their advice, but she just didn't believe it.

She was hurt because I didn't defend it or say something to argue against them and instead sort of brushed it off, but I did that because 1. I don't like confrontation or making situations awkward, and 2. I'd already argued against it once before and didn't want to repeat the same ***. It was also 2 of them backing each other up and I just wasn't bothered to argue, I knew not to listen and even didn't pay attention to what they had to say. I rolled my eyes when I saw the texts and I even forgot about it the next day. I tried to tell her all this but she was just upset.

I must add that ever since that first time when she went through my phone and got upset, I completely forgot about the bad advice they gave me about cheating.

We're all 19. These guys have been my friends for 7 years now throughout the whole of high school and I couldn't just drop them like that. I was also feeling lonely and wanted to keep in touch so that I wasn't alone and had a group of close friends I could backbone on (I also forgot about the cheating advice they gave me, it really didn't mean anything to me and I didn't listen to it). I had a chat with the same friend who agreed that their advice was bad and he said to never drop the old friends from high school, because making friends at uni wasn't going great for me and I wouldn't really find a lot more in the future. I don't know why I listened. I know I can and have made some good friends at uni by now, and consider them to be good friends that I'll be close with.

Last week I went out with that group. My girlfriend saw and got really upset again when I went to see her a few days later. She was crying again and didn't want to talk to me. I spent the night assuring her I wouldn't do such a thing and it meant so little to me that I FORGOT about it, which is why I still went out with them, but she said that it meant a lot to her and I was invalidating her feelings. She also said if her friends ever said that she'd drop them instantly. I tried telling her I felt lonely and I'd never put them ahead of her or listen to that *** advice. I also told her that it'd been a month since they said it and I hadn't done anything nor spoken to other girls, showing I wasn't listening and wouldn't even think of doing it - again I even forgot that they said that, I wouldn't do such a heinous thing to her.

But again, she just said she can't trust that since I'm still hanging out with them, and got upset. She got over it for this week but now she's gotten upset over it again. I don't know how to assure her that I won't ever do such a thing to her. Please help.

[yogacat]

Was she right in getting upset? Absolutely. Your friends gave you terrible advice and you didn't stand up for her or make it clear to them that you have no interest in listening to it. Going out to see her crying over it must have been devastating. Confrontation isn't fun but neither is having your girlfriend be upset to this degree.

Your excuses sound like a bunch of bull, frankly. "I don't want it to be awkward" is a poor excuse to not stand up for your relationship. If your friends aren't willing to respect that and continue to give you advice like that, then yes, I would recommend cutting them loose. You don't have to make a big scene about it, but you can quietly shift your focus to people who respect your relationship and will support and uplift you rather than bringing you down.

Also, please, please try to work on your ability to communicate. It's clear that you're struggling with it and right now, this is more about how you are unable to communicate your intentions and feelings more than anything else. It's important to be able to express yourself and stand up for what you want and believe in, even if it makes others uncomfortable or confrontational. Don't let the possibility of confrontation keep you from doing what's right for your relationship.

[SophiaG]

I mean, she does have a point. Birds of a feather flock together - people can and will judge you by those you associate with, and in the long term you'll probably distance yourself from those friends anyways. That said, I get that it's hard to drop friends instantly when you already feel lonely and dislike confrontation. Your girlfriend can be a bit immature and insecure as well - not really blaming her since you are all 19 - why was she checking your old chats? Did she have reasons to suspect you or have a habit of screening your texts?

If there are no other major problem in your relationship, I'd try to reach a compromise with your girlfriend while making it clear you did not believe in their "advice" and will not follow it. Expand your social circle and make new friends with better character so you can reduce interaction with and dependency on those friends. Show her with action that you are making better choices with your uni friends and growing out of the high school circle so she won't have to worry about them being a constant negative influence on you.

[wsddddddd]

9 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

I mean, she does have a point. Birds of a feather flock together - people can and will judge you by those you associate with, and in the long term you'll probably distance yourself from those friends anyways. That said, I get that it's hard to drop friends instantly when you already feel lonely and dislike confrontation. Your girlfriend can be a bit immature and insecure as well - not really blaming her since you are all 19 - why was she checking your old chats? Did she have reasons to suspect you or have a habit of screening your texts?

If there are no other major problem in your relationship, I'd try to reach a compromise with your girlfriend while making it clear you did not believe in their "advice" and will not follow it. Expand your social circle and make new friends with better character so you can reduce interaction with and dependency on those friends. Show her with action that you are making better choices with your uni friends and growing out of the high school circle so she won't have to worry about them being a constant negative influence on you.

Thank you, I want to distance myself, or at least speak to them less and less, something like once a month or so to not make them question why I’m dropping them.

The problem is that before she got upset the second time I booked an event with them which is tomorrow, but I’ve already told her I’m dropping them and won’t be talking to them. I agreed to go before that so I don’t know how to cancel on them. I really don’t want to go but at the same time I paid, and they’ll question why I dropped out last second, but then if I go and she finds out it’ll be the end of me.

Should I go and drop them slowly right after, or should I cancel last minute and say I overslept or something like that?

[SophiaG]

5 minutes ago, wsddddddd said:

Thank you, I want to distance myself, or at least speak to them less and less, something like once a month or so to not make them question why I’m dropping them.

The problem is that before she got upset the second time I booked an event with them which is tomorrow, but I’ve already told her I’m dropping them and won’t be talking to them. I agreed to go before that so I don’t know how to cancel on them. I really don’t want to go but at the same time I paid, and they’ll question why I dropped out last second, but then if I go and she finds out it’ll be the end of me.

Should I go and drop them slowly right after, or should I cancel last minute and say I overslept or something like that?

Is it an expensive event or their enjoyment depends on your participating (like a team-based game or something)? If not I'd probably just cancel it and tell them you need to study for an exam or something (assuming you are not super keen to go). Or try to sell or give your ticket to some other friend. If you really have to go, don't go behind her back. Tell her about it and see if she'll understand it's a previous commitment. Deception is never a good thing in a relationship.

[wsddddddd]

3 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Is it an expensive event or their enjoyment depends on your participating (like a team-based game or something)? If not I'd probably just cancel it and tell them you need to study for an exam or something (assuming you are not super keen to go). Or try to sell or give your ticket to some other friend. If you really have to go, don't go behind her back. Tell her about it and see if she'll understand it's a previous commitment. Deception is never a good thing in a relationship.

It was about $25. It’s a games conference thing so there’ll be lots of games to try out, posters and items etc, but no not a team thing.

If I lie and cancel I’m anxious that they’ll suspect me because they know I go to visit her on Fridays, and before I agreed to go I told them that I might be visiting her so they’ll probably think that I did. I’m also *** at lying so they could figure it out.

I hesitated on telling her because she’ll be even more upset that I said I’m dropping them but am still going out with them, saying I lied to her. I really don’t know what to do.

I just told one of them I have a mental health appointment thing with my uni’s service tomorrow, hopefully they don’t think too much of it if I don’t go.

[catfeeder]

If I believed in ditching every friend who has said something stupid, I'd have been friendless since grade school. Sounds like these guys read some articles on what psychologists call 'backup mates'. (Most people have at least one somewhere, even if they're not entirely conscious of it.) So these guys bastardized the idea to mean that talking up other girls is a good idea.

That makes them stupid, not villains, and I see no reason to drop lifelong friends over such a thing. Instead, I'd have shown GF my phone to see who I've been messaging, and if she wants to read my DMs on SM, she could have at that, too. But no way would I give someone dictatorship over my entire social life. I would expect no respect from her after that.

[wsddddddd]

39 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Was she right in getting upset? Absolutely. Your friends gave you terrible advice and you didn't stand up for her or make it clear to them that you have no interest in listening to it. Going out to see her crying over it must have been devastating. Confrontation isn't fun but neither is having your girlfriend be upset to this degree.

Your excuses sound like a bunch of bull, frankly. "I don't want it to be awkward" is a poor excuse to not stand up for your relationship. If your friends aren't willing to respect that and continue to give you advice like that, then yes, I would recommend cutting them loose. You don't have to make a big scene about it, but you can quietly shift your focus to people who respect your relationship and will support and uplift you rather than bringing you down.

Also, please, please try to work on your ability to communicate. It's clear that you're struggling with it and right now, this is more about how you are unable to communicate your intentions and feelings more than anything else. It's important to be able to express yourself and stand up for what you want and believe in, even if it makes others uncomfortable or confrontational. Don't let the possibility of confrontation keep you from doing what's right for your relationship.

Thank you, I agree she was right and I should’ve objected or simply said no at least. But shouldn’t she also trust me, especially since it’s been a month after and she goes through my phone and knows I don’t talk to any other girls?

Also at the end of the day I didn’t do anything, and while I didn’t argue this time, I’ve argued before, and I knew better than to take their advice. She clearly sees I don’t care about what they said and remained loyal to her, doesn’t this mean she can trust that I won’t do it?

[wsddddddd]

13 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If I believed in ditching every friend who has said something stupid, I'd have been friendless since grade school. Sounds like these guys read some articles on what psychologists call 'backup mates'. (Most people have at least one somewhere, even if they're not entirely conscious of it.) So these guys bastardized the idea to mean that talking up other girls is a good idea.

That makes them stupid, not villains, and I see no reason to drop lifelong friends over such a thing. Instead, I'd have shown GF my phone to see who I've been messaging, and if she wants to read my DMs on SM, she could have at that, too. But no way would I give someone dictatorship over my entire social life. I would expect no respect from her after that.

That’s how I saw it too. I took it as nothing more than them being stupid and something I brushed off. I know I’d never do it or listen to their advice, in fact I didn’t even ask for it.

She does check my phone here and then and she knows I don’t talk to anyone else, but she’s just really upset over the type of people they are and thinks if I remain with them that I agree with it. It’s a fair point, but I’ve known them for ages and always been the “nicest” out of the group, and some things that they say/do on a regular basis I’d never dare to do. It’s not changing anytime soon either. In fact I’m probably the least similar to them in terms of character and everything.