Hard to date nowdays or am I lacking?

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, Sarah Smith said:

he kept telling me I am too good and too beautiful for him.

That's code for this guy's a ***.  Always believe them when they tell you who they are.

[Sarah Smith]

9 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

There's a feminist out there about to kick me, but what really makes a difference in getting better guys to approach you - smile more - I mean, just stay positive, think of things that make you happy, and your resting bi*ch face will be a small smile bright eyed face.  Don't wait for formal intros - Smile at everyone! 

I think you just haven't found real men yet.  No need to date down - but just know what you want - at least 5 to 10 must-bes/haves; but it has to be good criteria, not shallow ones, and stick with it.

Example:

1. Has a job or career he enjoys
2. No kids
3. Loves animals
4. Has long term goals 
5. Kind
6. Drive and owns a car'
7. Lives locally
8. Etc.

This way, you stop wasting time with bozos.

P.S. Don't have sex with a dude right away. For you specifically, wait at least six dates.  You can manage, and so can they.

Yeah Ive tried making a list of things I want in a man. And they are not even unrealistic.  But I just feel like the bar is so low and men are so low effort now days that I often end up making exceptions just because I havent met a man that can measure up yet.

And I never sleep with a guy right away, I always make them wait 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Sarah Smith said:

Yeah but its hard to believe in love when people have that mindset that you are just describing😅 if the rich and successful and handsome do it, but the “ugly” and unsuccessful dont, doesnt it mean that deep down the average guys want to do it too they just cant? So they are the same? Why would I want a man like that? I dont. I want a man with values. 

I wouldn't try to believe in "love" but believe that -despite no guarantees! - if you stick to your standards and values and goals and put yourself out there in a proactive and productive way you are more likely to meet people who are potentially right for you and you for them.  I would stop with the labeling of "rich/successful/handsome" or "average" - you want to meet one person who is right for you. One.  You will date individuals not categories, not labels not leagues.  Being sexually and physically attracted often can involve physical features but often not to any real extent.  Unless you want arm candy and that's not about chemistry.  

Figure out what your values are , figure out what you have to offer. I only wanted what I offered in return.  Truthfully I was attracted to men who were smarter than me - but in general what I wanted - ambitious, excellent work ethic, financially stable, valued and had accomplished higher education, a person of character and integrity, a man who wanted marriage and family, not into taking illegal drugs, hopefully not ever, not an excessive drinker, same religious values, and yes chemistry/attraction/passion/love.  Attractive to me and attracted to me. Reasonably healthy and fit. 

The categorization will end up having you be in your own way of finding the right person -not "love" -finding love is part of finding a husband or long term partner -if you only want to find the feeling of love you can find that in shorter  term arrangements too.  For me my decision involving marriage involved both head and heart.  If I found "love" but he didn't want marriage or family in general then I had not found the right person.  For example.

[yogacat]

10 minutes ago, Sarah Smith said:

True, its a really good thing that you left the cheater! And Im sorry that happened to you.

Yeah you are right. I should be improving myself for me, not in hopes that someone will find me “worthy”

Thanks. Truth be told, I didn't really want to marry him even before he kissed another woman. 😉

I loved him in the beginning, but over time, some of his actions and behavior started to make me question whether we were truly compatible. I kind of checked out before that point and I think deep down I knew it wasn't going to work out.

So when I found out about the kissing incident, it just confirmed my feelings and made it easier for me to walk away. It was a wake-up call that I needed to listen to my gut and not settle for someone who wasn't right for me. Trust and compatibility are essential in a marriage, and I didn't have that with him.

And to your last point, yes, 100%. Improve yourself for YOU, not for anyone else. That's the only way to truly be happy and confident in yourself.

My ex-f still tries to rekindle our relationship and reminds me of the good times we had. But I know deep down that it's not worth going back to someone who doesn't make me happy and doesn't align with my values and beliefs. I've had to block him on multiple channels. Even when he was married!

Please don't compare yourself with your friends and where they are because each person's journey is unique and it's not a race. Focus on yourself and your own growth, and the right person will come into your life when the time is right. Trust the process and trust yourself. You've got this. 💪

[tattoobunnie]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you are attractive woman and chase "players" aka rich attractive guys with a lot of choices, yes, most of them would chase you just for sex.

Growing up with wealthy and rich families, I find old money will marry women who even keeled, knows how to be kind, and pretty (not hot), generally not neurodivergent.

Old Money with major issues from drug abuse to drama will marry drama.

The commonality though to finding a rich, normal man, is to hang out with rich friends.  If you aren't rich and do not have rich friends, a Cinderella outcome is slim to none.  How to get rich friends - go to rich people parties, become friends with DJs, work the club circuit, go to Galas, wine bars.  Go to places with finance guys, or get into finance yourself.

Men and boys chase for sex; rich, middle, or poor.  It's really just a matter of where they are in life when they want to set-up shop with a life partner.

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, Sarah Smith said:

Yeah Ive tried making a list of things I want in a man. And they are not even unrealistic.

What's your list?  If you are feeling the way that you do, you need a list.

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, Sarah Smith said:

Yeah Ive tried making a list of things I want in a man. And they are not even unrealistic.  But I just feel like the bar is so low and men are so low effort now days that I often end up making exceptions just because I havent met a man that can measure up yet.

And I never sleep with a guy right away, I always make them wait 

Do you have close male friends? If you have such a generalized negative attitude about "men these days" it's gonna come across and not be a good look.  Don't make a guy wait -wait because you want to wait for solid reasons whether physical or emotional and/or practical.  Yes partly I did it as a "test" - yes I admit that -but mostly -no. 

My husband never chased any woman for sex and I knew of men who did and men who didn't and I knew of women who did and didn't.  I have a female friend who is very pretty and single in her 60s who is looking specifically for a hot looking man in her age range - a specific looks she has in mind -for  dating and romance.  She showed me photos of what she wants him to look like and she doesn't want another marriage or an LTR.  She using dating apps and  is highly educated and a corporate executive. Different individuals want different things.

And I got very little pushback anyway.  In  the 1980s when I dated (I started dating in 1979) we also thought men were "low effort" -but I never ever let myself get jaded or cynical about "men" other than for a day at a time lol.  I did this by staying true to my values -not having casual sex, only dating serious minded men once I knew I wanted to get married (which was very early on!) and limiting casual flings and hookups.  I only dated men who asked me out in advance ,time and place until we were a solid couple or dating regularly, I was mostly treated with respect and like a lady (yup an old fashioned term for sure).  I did ask some men out -i was good at it! -but back then I found that the sort of man who would be right for me was a man who wanted to be the one to put in the asking out effort -I put in effort too -I showed I was interested in other ways, I was thoughtful and appreciative etc. 

And remember - only landlines and not even voicemail at first.  I'm 58.  Men who wanted to date me managed to reach me by phone -or even snail mail lol.  

My list of musts was short -I wrote about  that in the other post.  Also I preferred to date shorter men which increased my dating pool since many of my friends only wanted tall men.

[Sarah Smith]

6 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Growing up with wealthy and rich families, I find old money will marry women who even keeled, knows how to be kind, and pretty (not hot), generally not neurodivergent.

Old Money with major issues from drug abuse to drama will marry drama.

The commonality though to finding a rich, normal man, is to hang out with rich friends.  If you aren't rich and do not have rich friends, a Cinderella outcome is slim to none.  How to get rich friends - go to rich people parties, become friends with DJs, work the club circuit, go to Galas, wine bars.  Go to places with finance guys, or get into finance yourself.

Men and boys chase for sex; rich, middle, or poor.  It's really just a matter of where they are in life when they want to set-up shop with a life partner.

I am not looking for rich! Its not even on my list of qualities that I am looking for in a partner! I was just trying to express that I hope not all men secretly only want sex with a lot of women, and only those who dont have a “high enough social status” settle for a relationship, like some of the comments on my post were implying 

[Sarah Smith]

8 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

What's your list?  If you are feeling the way that you do, you need a list.

Loyal. Kind. Adventurous. Zest for life (ive met many dull men and want someone to enjoy life with), similar interests to mine, handsome (attractive to me), high effort attitude. Thats about it.

[Sarah Smith]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you have close male friends? If you have such a generalized negative attitude about "men these days" it's gonna come across and not be a good look.  Don't make a guy wait -wait because you want to wait for solid reasons whether physical or emotional and/or practical.  Yes partly I did it as a "test" - yes I admit that -but mostly -no. 

And I got very little pushback anyway.  In  the 1980s when I dated (I started dating in 1979) we also thought men were "low effort" -but I never ever let myself get jaded or cynical about "men" other than for a day at a time lol.  I did this by staying true to my values -not having casual sex, only dating serious minded men once I knew I wanted to get married (which was very early on!) and limiting casual flings and hookups.  I only dated men who asked me out in advance ,time and place until we were a solid couple or dating regularly, I was mostly treated with respect and like a lady (yup an old fashioned term for sure).  I did ask some men out -i was good at it! -but back then I found that the sort of man who would be right for me was a man who wanted to be the one to put in the asking out effort -I put in effort too -I showed I was interested in other ways, I was thoughtful and appreciative etc. 

And remember - only landlines and not even voicemail at first.  I'm 58.  Men who wanted to date me managed to reach me by phone -or even snail mail lol.  

My list of musts was short -I wrote about  that in the other post.  Also I preferred to date shorter men which increased my dating pool since many of my friends only wanted tall men.

Yeah you are right, that might be a problem I have, tbh I do think I have become quite bitter after many bad experiences with men. I am working on it tho!

[Batya33]

Just now, Sarah Smith said:

Yeah you are right, that might be a problem I have, tbh I do think I have become quite bitter after many bad experiences with men. I am working on it tho!

Yes I had a specific approach with men who acted like that.  I stopped approaching and declined another date.  It was a huge turn off.  And I dislike when women bash men to any real extent -it's unfair IMO (and I have a teenage son who is 15 and he is a very good person!).  It's not really about "working on it" - it's about reminding yourself each time that it's unfair to be biased against men, that you should treat all people as individuals as much as possible whatever their skin color or gender or height or eye color etc.  It's about seeking out people who are good people which reinforces that it's unfair to paint "men" with a broad brush.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Sarah Smith said:

Loyal. Kind. Adventurous. Zest for life (ive met many dull men and want someone to enjoy life with), similar interests to mine, handsome (attractive to me), high effort attitude. Thats about it.

Where are you meeting dull men -you said you are adventurous and have a zest for life so do you do activities where you interact  with people who do those non-boring activities? What does high effort mean to you? Since you are adventurous what about men who have different interests that might inspire  you since you have a zest for life? 

If someone told me they expected me to have "high effort" and it wasn't for a high paying job in a competitive industry I'd likely not bother.  

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Sarah Smith said:

I am not looking for rich! Its not even on my list of qualities that I am looking for in a partner! I was just trying to express that I hope not all men secretly only want sex with a lot of women, and only those who dont have a “high enough social status” settle for a relationship, like some of the comments on my post were implying 

Do you think women secretly only want sex with a lot of men? Don't you know both women and men like that? I do. Don't date men who would settle for you and vice versa.  My grandmother was engaged in the early 20th century, she was poor, undeducated, new to the US. But she wasn't really in love then she met my grandfather and fell for him and married him (no I don't think she cheated -this is an old family story but the truth!).  So my poor uneducated grandma didn't settle LOL.

[tattoobunnie]

21 minutes ago, Sarah Smith said:

Loyal. Kind. Adventurous. Zest for life (ive met many dull men and want someone to enjoy life with), similar interests to mine, handsome (attractive to me), high effort attitude. Thats about it.

What do you have that is tangible other than physical appearance? 

What do you mean by loyal? Always takes your side, or won't cheat?

What do you mean by adventurous? Wants to try new foods, travel, sex positions, or into adrenaline junkie activities like sky diving or zip lining?

Your list is too vague. Be more specific, and a specific person will come.  Keep it too vague, what you get is vague.

[tattoobunnie]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If someone told me they expected me to have "high effort" and it wasn't for a high paying job in a competitive industry I'd likely not bother.  

Right?  If my hubs (not an actor or model) went and got regular mani-pedis, and dyed their hair and wore make-up, not the one for me.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Sarah Smith said:

... I've been dating and trying but it seems the guy always decides he doesn’t want anything serious.

Screening starts at the start. How many times do you date someone before asking whether he views himself as relationship material or just 'casual'? This is a general question rather than specific to yourself, and it should be asked up front. If the answer is anything less than dating to seek a relationship, then he's not your match. And he won't become your match. Thank him for his honesty. 

Quote

... a guy friend (we are not friends anymore) said that guys would only want to sleep with me and no one would want a relationship with me.

Whoa! Did you ask him why he'd say that to you? Of course, I'd ditch him, but first, why deprive myself of information? Is he trying to sabotage my interest in other guys in favor of himself? Does he secretly view me as 'too sexy' to be taken seriously? Or what? 

His comment speaks of his limited vision rather than of any reflection on you.

Quote

...people keep saying that I am a very attractive woman and I get a lot of attention. 

Exactly why my guess is, the 'friend' had his own agenda.

Quote

The general advice has been to date guys in a “lower league” (I dont believe in leagues, I just date who I click with and who I find attractive), but what this advice is is implying is that he will settle for me because he has no other choice. 
And I dont want a relationship with someone who has “no better choice”, I just want someone to choose me for who I am and actually want me.

No, it's not about 'no better choice,' please don't go down that rabbit hole. There's a buzz about measuring academic, economic, and social stats. Until recently, the status quo was a higher percentage of male university grads with high career success. But women have since flipped that table with astronomically higher grad rates than males. So, where women once dated 'up' to a larger dating pool, now they're just trying to find their equals in a far smaller pool of graduating men.

However, both men and women who've opted for vocational trades are becoming the new millionaires. But perception lags, and so those who suggest dating 'down' don't realize that 'blue collar' no longer means 'down' at all. And smart women are discovering that a 'powerful man' can often mean a man who can power a tool--and someday, a stroller.

Successful women are also flooding their smaller dating pools with a high supply of sex. And, men on the high side of social and economic success are also not trying to beat a bio-clock for kids. They've learned that they can remain 'casual' and keep sampling the goods without any need to commit to a long term relationship.

That's why it's important to screen--up front--who you are dealing with. If he's a casual dater, he's being honest with you. Thank him for that, AND you're not going to 'convert' him to a serious relationship. 

Unfortunately, some men have learned that lying about seeking a relationship gets them early sex with someone who otherwise wouldn't keep seeing them. So it's up to women to navigate this possibility and allow a man to earn your trust over t.i.m.e.

Head high, it's not 'you,' it's impatience with finding a needle in the haystack. Keep weeding through, but screen early and more carefully. Adopt resiliency as your most important life skill.