Hard to date nowdays or am I lacking?

[Sarah Smith]

The question sounds depressing but it is how I feel.

I cannot seem to find a guy who wants a relationship with me. Ive been dating and trying but it seems the guy always decides he doesn’t want anything serious. I started thinking about this after a guy friend (we are not friends anymore) said that guys would only want to sleep with me and no one would want a relationship with me.

I have many interests and hobbies. I am goal oriented. I have a giver-personality and usually put others before me. I like to self reflect and improve myself. And I dont want to be tooting my own horn, but people keep saying that I am a very attractive woman and I get a lot of attention.

The general advice has been to date guys in a “lower league” (I dont believe in leagues, I just date who I click with and who I find attractive), but what this advice is is implying is that he will settle for me because he has no other choice. 
And I dont want a relationship with someone who has “no better choice”, I just want someone to choose me for who I am and actually want me.

 

Am I not understanding something / doing something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? This whole thing has been going on for a while but now its making me feel like Im not good enough. Any advice? 

[Coily]

Dating is incredibly difficult these days.

There's a myriad of factors that contribute to the increased difficulty. Some of it is as one ages the dating market shrinks, there is also a lot of poison dropped in the dating well due to pop culture and social forces. Honestly men (of all ages) are increasingly risk averse to approaching women these days, due to how rejection is portrayed not just as an incompatibility; but the man being some predator.

Also dating is far more shallow than it used to be.

My guess is that you don't seem approachable to the men you meet. Your body language makes men think that they don't have a chance. Also "subtle flirts" don't work.

Another possible issue, if you are as attractive as you say; good men can be intimidated by that. They may wrongly think that you will only date the 6'+ tall guy, who make half a million, and all of the other unfair stereo types. When you are seeking a man that you find attractive.

There may be something to the date a guy who is a little lower on the women swooning, but since I don't know you, i really can't say. But as 10/10 attractive dudes usually get the pick of the ladies swarming around them, and see no need to settle down with one good woman.

You aren't doing anything wrong, you just may be in the wrong dating pool at the moment. Maybe it's time to shake up where you look for men to date. You aren't alone in struggling these days, cold comfort; but that just means you can filter those men more.

Best of Luck

[bluecastle]

Sorry for the troubles. 

For context, can I ask how old you are? And these situations you've described where the guy doesn't want anything serious: How many have there been, and what's been the context of you two meeting? Random run-ins, rightward swipes? 

All in all, I'm not really sure about the thesis of dating being harder today than it once was. I think what's primarily changed is that people once expected it to be difficult and random whereas today—thanks to apps etc. that create the illusion that dating should be as seamless  as Amazon Prime—people are easily dismayed when things don't go as hoped. 

I'm really sorry to hear that your former friend made such an awful comment to you. Hope you can shake that off, as that's just nonsense. 

 

[yogacat]

Please know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Many people, regardless of gender, struggle with finding genuine and committed relationships. It can be tough and discouraging...

You may be an amazing and attractive person, that doesn't necessarily mean that everyone will want to have a relationship WITH YOU. People have different preferences and desires, and you're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. Is everyone YOUR cup of tea? Probably not...

If you're highly attractive, some may be intimidated by you. Others may only be interested in pursuing something casual. Some might be emotionally unavailable or have different priorities at the moment. Some may just decide that you're simply not compatible.

Whatever it is, there is no one size fits all here.

Online dating has it's positives but there are so many studies that say it has in fact made dating and starting relationships harder and easier for many to just get quick sex for free. Social Media Dating on the internet has made it so everyone has become so petrified of being vulnerable and sticking their neck out and being real. Things just don't happen the way they used to.

Are you going for guys who are known for not wanting commitment? Are you ignoring potential red flags or brushing off the things you want in a relationship in order to make things work with someone who may not be on the same page as you? 

Try not to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others or feeling like you have to settle for someone who may not be a good fit just because you want a relationship.

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, Sarah Smith said:

a guy friend (we are not friends anymore) said that guys would only want to sleep with me and no one would want a relationship with me.

Good for you for dumping this so called friend. Did he say why he thought so? Not that his opinion holds any water but it perhaps reflected what the guys you dated thought if they were the same kind of people.

1 hour ago, Sarah Smith said:

And I dont want a relationship with someone who has “no better choice”, I just want someone to choose me for who I am and actually want me.

Exactly. What I find is that there are guys who are more relationship minded and guys who don't want a relationship anyways. It has more to do with their own mindset than with you. You just need to pick better and weed out those who don't want relationships early on. Hint: It has nothing to do with their own attractiveness either. Focus on those who are looking for a relationship and pick someone you like.

[Batya33]

I agree with Bluecastle. Dating was very hard for me over the 24 years on and off I was in the scene -until 2005.  It was hard to find the right match and hard to become the right person to find the right person.  Please do not settle.  I also would like to know how old you are.  How do  you carry yourself-you say you are a giver and is this primarily from a position of self confidence or neediness? That can affect how you choose people and who chooses you.  I'm sorry you're struggling.

[Sarah Smith]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

Dating is incredibly difficult these days.

There's a myriad of factors that contribute to the increased difficulty. Some of it is as one ages the dating market shrinks, there is also a lot of poison dropped in the dating well due to pop culture and social forces. Honestly men (of all ages) are increasingly risk averse to approaching women these days, due to how rejection is portrayed not just as an incompatibility; but the man being some predator.

Also dating is far more shallow than it used to be.

My guess is that you don't seem approachable to the men you meet. Your body language makes men think that they don't have a chance. Also "subtle flirts" don't work.

Another possible issue, if you are as attractive as you say; good men can be intimidated by that. They may wrongly think that you will only date the 6'+ tall guy, who make half a million, and all of the other unfair stereo types. When you are seeking a man that you find attractive.

There may be something to the date a guy who is a little lower on the women swooning, but since I don't know you, i really can't say. But as 10/10 attractive dudes usually get the pick of the ladies swarming around them, and see no need to settle down with one good woman.

You aren't doing anything wrong, you just may be in the wrong dating pool at the moment. Maybe it's time to shake up where you look for men to date. You aren't alone in struggling these days, cold comfort; but that just means you can filter those men more.

Best of Luck

Yeah you might be right. People tell me that I have a “*** face” but once a conversation happens I am really nice, but I apparently look very inapproachable.

Yes, I always say I dont have a type, its more about the chemistry between us. Ive dated everything from very conventionally attractive to objectively unattractive. All of it had the same ending…

I do get what you are saying about 10/10 men being able to date / sleep around. But I wouldn’t want a man who wants to sleep around in the first place. And I am worried that if I “date down” that he is with me only because he cant sleep around and thinks he cant do better but deep inside he wants to play the field (been there done that). From experience, these dudes end up being very insecure and do bad things too. So logically, it would be better to either find an attractive guy who HAS a choice but picks me or just be single in my opinion.

[Sarah Smith]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with Bluecastle. Dating was very hard for me over the 24 years on and off I was in the scene -until 2005.  It was hard to find the right match and hard to become the right person to find the right person.  Please do not settle.  I also would like to know how old you are.  How do  you carry yourself-you say you are a giver and is this primarily from a position of self confidence or neediness? That can affect how you choose people and who chooses you.  I'm sorry you're struggling.

Hm that is a good point! I wouldnt say it is out of neediness as I value my alone time. But I probably have my weak moments? But I am usually a giver because I just have a lot of love to give its in my nature. And Im in my20s

[TeeDee]

Be yourself & maintain your standards.  Throw it out to the universe that you want a good guy who is worthy of you. 

When I was 39 I found my unicorn:  a sexy handsome guy with a great sense of humor & a quick wit who was strong & industrious, never been married with no kids.  

The right guy is out there just think about where you are looking for him & make adjustments.  Hint:  he's not on line.  

[Sarah Smith]

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry for the troubles. 

For context, can I ask how old you are? And these situations you've described where the guy doesn't want anything serious: How many have there been, and what's been the context of you two meeting? Random run-ins, rightward swipes? 

All in all, I'm not really sure about the thesis of dating being harder today than it once was. I think what's primarily changed is that people once expected it to be difficult and random whereas today—thanks to apps etc. that create the illusion that dating should be as seamless  as Amazon Prime—people are easily dismayed when things don't go as hoped. 

I'm really sorry to hear that your former friend made such an awful comment to you. Hope you can shake that off, as that's just nonsense. 

 

Thank you for your kind words! Im in my 20s to answer your question. 
Ive met guys in real life or on the apps. I dont go drinking too much, so I have met some matches through my hobbies and social outings / uni etc. But somehow my experience with men whom Ive met IRL has been worse than those Ive met on the apps haha!

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Be yourself & maintain your standards.  Throw it out to the universe that you want a good guy who is worthy of you. 

When I was 39 I found my unicorn:  a sexy handsome guy with a great sense of humor & a quick wit who was strong & industrious, never been married with no kids.  

The right guy is out there just think about where you are looking for him & make adjustments.  Hint:  he's not on line.  

When I was 39 my ex fiancee and I got back together after almost 8 years apart.  We did not meet online.  We both had online profiles on the same dating sites when we were apart and several of my friends met their amazing partners through online dating sites (I met my future husband originally at work). We were both online so apparently  there are really good people online lol.  (There was a very practical reason we never reconnected online but I knew he had had a profile, on and off).

I think meeting people through dating sites or apps is one of many good ways to meet serious minded people.  I met over 100 men in person through online sites and communicated with hundreds.  Most of those men were good people.  Some were jerks.  Just like some men I met in other ways were jerks cause that's life.

No guarantees but if you're serious minded and want an LTR or marriage I think the travails and sweat and tears of dating are well worth it.  

[Sarah Smith]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Please know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Many people, regardless of gender, struggle with finding genuine and committed relationships. It can be tough and discouraging...

You may be an amazing and attractive person, that doesn't necessarily mean that everyone will want to have a relationship WITH YOU. People have different preferences and desires, and you're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. Is everyone YOUR cup of tea? Probably not...

If you're highly attractive, some may be intimidated by you. Others may only be interested in pursuing something casual. Some might be emotionally unavailable or have different priorities at the moment. Some may just decide that you're simply not compatible.

Whatever it is, there is no one size fits all here.

Online dating has it's positives but there are so many studies that say it has in fact made dating and starting relationships harder and easier for many to just get quick sex for free. Social Media Dating on the internet has made it so everyone has become so petrified of being vulnerable and sticking their neck out and being real. Things just don't happen the way they used to.

Are you going for guys who are known for not wanting commitment? Are you ignoring potential red flags or brushing off the things you want in a relationship in order to make things work with someone who may not be on the same page as you? 

Try not to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others or feeling like you have to settle for someone who may not be a good fit just because you want a relationship.

Yeah and Ive always been fine with that Im not everyone’s cup of tea! But lately Ive been feeling down about myself because I feel like I keep putting myself out there and really trying, at the same time not in a desperate way because Ive got things going on in my own life, and Im still chronically single, meanwhile it seems that most of my girl friends do not struggle as much in finding boyfriends

[Sarah Smith]

38 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Good for you for dumping this so called friend. Did he say why he thought so? Not that his opinion holds any water but it perhaps reflected what the guys you dated thought if they were the same kind of people.

Exactly. What I find is that there are guys who are more relationship minded and guys who don't want a relationship anyways. It has more to do with their own mindset than with you. You just need to pick better and weed out those who don't want relationships early on. Hint: It has nothing to do with their own attractiveness either. Focus on those who are looking for a relationship and pick someone you like.

Honestly, this is amazing advice, thanks! I think you are right, its more about their mindset and if they want a relationship or not from the get go

[TeeDee]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I think meeting people through dating sites or apps is one of many good ways to meet serious minded people. 

My experience was very different & extremely negative.  The men I met were good on paper but had zero social skills and just weren't attractive to me.  

My now husband was on a different site.  He met a lot of shallow, flakey, gold diggers at a time when he had no gold.  

You can use online as a tool but don't let it be the only way you meet people.  Finding a mate is like finding a job -- you have to get out there, in person, & network.  

[Sarah Smith]

10 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Be yourself & maintain your standards.  Throw it out to the universe that you want a good guy who is worthy of you. 

When I was 39 I found my unicorn:  a sexy handsome guy with a great sense of humor & a quick wit who was strong & industrious, never been married with no kids.  

The right guy is out there just think about where you are looking for him & make adjustments.  Hint:  he's not on line.  

I am happy you found the right man for you! I hope that happens to me some day

[TeeDee]

@Sarah Smith  What are you doing to meet men? 

[Sarah Smith]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

When I was 39 my ex fiancee and I got back together after almost 8 years apart.  We did not meet online.  We both had online profiles on the same dating sites when we were apart and several of my friends met their amazing partners through online dating sites (I met my future husband originally at work). We were both online so apparently  there are really good people online lol.  (There was a very practical reason we never reconnected online but I knew he had had a profile, on and off).

I think meeting people through dating sites or apps is one of many good ways to meet serious minded people.  I met over 100 men in person through online sites and communicated with hundreds.  Most of those men were good people.  Some were jerks.  Just like some men I met in other ways were jerks cause that's life.

No guarantees but if you're serious minded and want an LTR or marriage I think the travails and sweat and tears of dating are well worth it.  

True. I think having an open mind about how one can meet potential partners is good. The key is probably to keep trying. But tbh sometimes I feel like giving up

[yogacat]

Just now, Sarah Smith said:

Yeah and Ive always been fine with that Im not everyone’s cup of tea! But lately Ive been feeling down about myself because I feel like I keep putting myself out there and really trying, at the same time not in a desperate way because Ive got things going on in my own life, and Im still chronically single, meanwhile it seems that most of my girl friends do not struggle as much in finding boyfriends

Well, you're comparing and that is a no no! 

My female family member has been married for 15 years, her husband cheated on her twice, and she chose to stay with him. Meanwhile, my ex fiance kissed another woman and I left his cheating butt. Do I wish I had my female member's 15 year marriage...HELL NO!

The grass is not always greener on the other side...it's greener where YOU water it the most! You don't know that they don't struggle in other aspects of their lives...And even if they don't you need to be happy for them.

My long term co-worker friend met her husband that she has been married to for 20 years as a one night stand and they are the epitome of a loving, stable marriage. 

Other women may not have experienced what you have, but they may have experienced something else. In order to attract the right person for yourself, you have to be the right person for yourself. Focus on working on yourself...not on what you perceive others having.

[Kwothe28]

I would maybe be controversial a bit. But:

If you are attractive woman and chase "players" aka rich attractive guys with a lot of choices, yes, most of them would chase you just for sex. To them, you are not some "unique snowflake" that they would marry. But just another woman. You are not unique because they can find many just like you out there. They are rich and attractive, any woman would like them. So you, no matter how unique you are, are still lost in a sea of many attractive women competing for their attention. I read a story on Twitter. How one woman dated some guy for months. He one day asked her to iron his suit because he goes to the wedding. It turns out it was his own wedding. Horrible story. But it perfectly encapsulate what i am trying to say. You cant really expect good results when you are attracted to that kind of men. 

I am not saying that you are like that. But if you "shoot high" and date people who wants to kiss other people at parties you are with them, maybe it is your picker that is a problem. I am also not saying that you should "settle". Just maybe be more "on the ground" how high you can shoot when it comes to men. Yes, you are attractive. And probably many men would like to be with you. But the guys you shoot at, yes, that kind of men maybe just wants one thing. And that is not a relationship.

[Sarah Smith]

2 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

@Sarah Smith  What are you doing to meet men? 

I am very open minded about meeting men! Ive met my dates through hobbies, social groups, friends, uni and online. Sometimes if I find the guys who approach me in public attractive, Ill say yes to a date, so that way aswell

[Sarah Smith]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Well, you're comparing and that is a no no! 

My female family member has been married for 15 years, her husband cheated on her twice, and she chose to stay with him. Meanwhile, my ex fiance kissed another woman and I left his cheating butt. Do I wish I had my female member's 15 year marriage...HELL NO!

The grass is not always greener on the other side...it's greener where YOU water it the most! You don't know that they don't struggle in other aspects of their lives...And even if they don't you need to be happy for them.

My long term co-worker friend met her husband that she has been married to for 20 years as a one night stand and they are the epitome of a loving, stable marriage. 

Other women may not have experienced what you have, but they may have experienced something else. In order to attract the right person for yourself, you have to be the right person for yourself. Focus on working on yourself...not on what you perceive others having.

True, its a really good thing that you left the cheater! And Im sorry that happened to you.

Yeah you are right. I should be improving myself for me, not in hopes that someone will find me “worthy”

[tattoobunnie]

There's a feminist out there about to kick me, but what really makes a difference in getting better guys to approach you - smile more - I mean, just stay positive, think of things that make you happy, and your resting bi*ch face will be a small smile bright eyed face.  Don't wait for formal intros - Smile at everyone! 

I think you just haven't found real men yet.  No need to date down - but just know what you want - at least 5 to 10 must-bes/haves; but it has to be good criteria, not shallow ones, and stick with it.

Example:

1. Has a job or career he enjoys
2. No kids
3. Loves animals
4. Has long term goals 
5. Kind
6. Drive and owns a car'
7. Lives locally
8. Etc.

This way, you stop wasting time with bozos.

P.S. Don't have sex with a dude right away. For you specifically, wait at least six dates.  You can manage, and so can they.

[Batya33]

Just now, Sarah Smith said:

Yeah and Ive always been fine with that Im not everyone’s cup of tea! But lately Ive been feeling down about myself because I feel like I keep putting myself out there and really trying, at the same time not in a desperate way because Ive got things going on in my own life, and Im still chronically single, meanwhile it seems that most of my girl friends do not struggle as much in finding boyfriends

But do they find the right men or Mr. Right on Paper or Mr. Right For Now? Sure some will have it much easier. Life isn't fair.  When I was in my late teens my high school BFF and another really close friend found their perfect matches. Both were over the moon and gushy.  I was jealous. I was  their maids of honors.  One is still married happily since the late 80s.  The other lied to herself and ended up a single mom of several kids with no marketable skills. Now an empty nester still struggling.  I knew of many women who had an easy time, many who had a hard time (me!) and many who never found their person.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

My experience was very different & extremely negative.  The men I met were good on paper but had zero social skills and just weren't attractive to me.  

My now husband was on a different site.  He met a lot of shallow, flakey, gold diggers at a time when he had no gold.  

You can use online as a tool but don't let it be the only way you meet people.  Finding a mate is like finding a job -- you have to get out there, in person, & network.  

I'm so sorry to hear that.  I have several friends who met their spouses and life partners this way. Kids now ranging from tween and beyond.  I met my first fiancee through a print personal ad.  I met so many good men and am still good  friends with a few (one of  whom I never actually dated -he's a gem- and I'm friendly with a few I dated briefly).  

[Sarah Smith]

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I would maybe be controversial a bit. But:

If you are attractive woman and chase "players" aka rich attractive guys with a lot of choices, yes, most of them would chase you just for sex. To them, you are not some "unique snowflake" that they would marry. But just another woman. You are not unique because they can find many just like you out there. They are rich and attractive, any woman would like them. So you, no matter how unique you are, are still lost in a sea of many attractive women competing for their attention. I read a story on Twitter. How one woman dated some guy for months. He one day asked her to iron his suit because he goes to the wedding. It turns out it was his own wedding. Horrible story. But it perfectly encapsulate what i am trying to say. You cant really expect good results when you are attracted to that kind of men. 

I am not saying that you are like that. But if you "shoot high" and date people who wants to kiss other people at parties you are with them, maybe it is your picker that is a problem. I am also not saying that you should "settle". Just maybe be more "on the ground" how high you can shoot when it comes to men. Yes, you are attractive. And probably many men would like to be with you. But the guys you shoot at, yes, that kind of men maybe just wants one thing. And that is not a relationship.

Yeah but its hard to believe in love when people have that mindset that you are just describing😅 if the rich and successful and handsome do it, but the “ugly” and unsuccessful dont, doesnt it mean that deep down the average guys want to do it too they just cant? So they are the same? Why would I want a man like that? I dont. I want a man with values. 
 

And fyi I was dating and head over heals for a guy considered “unattractive”, he kept telling me I am too good and too beautiful for him. I would have given him the world, he still f*cked me over…

 

Deep down I hope that its more about personality traits and wants in life rather than purely being attractive that makes a guy a player. If no, that means they are all the same and Id rather die alone tbh..