Stuck

[nemo93]

Hey.

I'm not sure what to do anymore, so I decided to write. I'm not even sure I'll get a response but better try than nothing.

Also english is my second language so please bear with me.

 

When I was 18, i met my bf on Facebook. We hit it off really quickly and had our first date the day after. We were an item the week after. We were going to university, he had just broken up with his ex and i had never had a relationship before.

During that uni year we've fought a lot but we always made up. I was jealous and had trust issues and he was still hung up over his ex. After that first year, he decided to switch majors and leave for another college that is 3hrs from where I was.

We saw each other often, every two weeks on the weekends if it wasn't every weekend. He made a point to see me whenever he can. We would call each other often. We would still get into fights, but long distance relationwhip made is so that we had to communicate better. And so we did.

Everything was fine and i was in love. We worked out our differences and always ended up making up. We did this for 6 years.

After we were both finished our studies, we moved together with his best friend in a 2 room appartment. We lived like this for two years. I had a big depression bout around that year and it was making it difficult for us to be intimate. The fact that we had a third wheel made it difficult as well. We managed. I went through therapy to save our relationship. I made the effort. I tried several therapists (3 in 3 years). I thought that if i didnt do anything, he would leave me.

After some time i was starting to be better. The friend moved out, but we werent more intimate. We did try a few times per month. I started to try and explore my sexuality with toys. It was nice because i learned a lot of new stuff. My first toy, my boyfriend bought it.

To rekindle our intimacy, i tried doing all sorts of things. I tried proposing to do stuff, dates. I tried to touch him in places it would make it obvious that i was interested. I asked him sexy questions to try and set the mood. I tried putting on lingerie. I also had boudoir pics taken for our anniversary. I had sexy pictures taken to have it made into a book that i gave to him.
I did all of that, and at the end of it, I realized i was the only one making the effort. That i was the only one trying new things and trying to make our relationship spicier. So i stopped. I stopped trying to see what would happen. 

In the first months, i realized that he didnt see a difference. After that, i sat down and talked to him. I told him that i was struggling and i thought our relationship was not what it was. I told him that i was seeing my therapist that same day and that i was going to talk about us becaus i didnt know what else to do. He seemed surprised. He didnt know that I was feeling this way and for him, everything was fine. By that time, we hadn't had sex in a year.

We didnt hold hands hands we didnt kiss with passion or wth tongue. We didnt have dates except to get groceries or eat at a restaurant sometimes. He was so into his work or into his videogames that he didnt notice that i was spending a lot of time alone. And in the end, i felt alone. 

 

A month or so pass, and then i decided i was going to tell the truth about my sexual orientation that i was keeping for myself since i discovered it in my mid twenties (we're 30). He didn't take it well and felt betrayed that i didnt tell him sooner. He said he felt i should have told him before and that he didnt have confidence in himself even more now.
The day after he apologized and said he needed time to recover. I said it was fine, since it was a big announcement anyways. It still made me frustrated a little bit that this was his reaction even though his own brother is gay.

 

In march of that year, i had another discussion with my bf. I told him i didnt know what to do with our relationship and reiterated the same things from before (lack of intimacy, passion, that we lived in a routine). By now, every time he would reject my advances, he would have a different reason: we didnt have time to have sex because it took too long; he was tired; he was working in the morning; we had gained weight; etc. The conversation lead to us talking about the future and us having kids. I told him that i thought about getting information about hysterectomy. He took this as i was making a decision about not having kids. He did want to have kids and i'm terrified to be pregnant. For a long list of reasons, i didnt want to be a mother, but to meet him in the middle, i told him i could try and be a mother by adopting a kid. He refused and said he didnt want to have a kid he didn't know and he wanted his own kids. I told him that in that light, it seemed like we weren't going to have kids because i was more leaning into not having them, especially if we didnt have a kind of relationship that is passionless. I told him at the end of the discussion that he had hurt me that one time when he told me i had gained weight and that is why he didnt want to have sex with me. He said 'i know'.

Later on i took a trip in the summer. I told myself if i distanced myself and have him think about all of this, i needed to leave him alone. Unfortunately, he wasn't alone because he was working all summer so he didnt really feel i had left.

The last two conversation I was very clear with him: if nothing changed, i don't think i was going to stay in the relationship. I told him this but i'm having a hard time putting it in to action: we live in a house (which he cant afford by himself, so if i leave he loses his dream house), we have 3 cats together, he gives me his car to drive to work and if i leave i lose my first love and my best friend. as much as im fed up, id like to believe that sex is not all there is in a relationship now is there? When i told him i needed him to act more like a lover and less like my friend or a roomate, he did make some change. He started to hold my hand more, going out more with me and sitting closer to me on the couch. But nothing changed for sex.

It has now been 2 years that we havent had sex. And I'm using my toys but it's hard because I feel so lonely. I feel disconnected. This is all things that i have told him. He says he's scared to lose me because of this. I told him to go to therapy. To save our relationship and work on whatever it is that blocks him from doing it with 'the woman of his life'. He said he was going to make an appointment in fall or winter... and that has been a year and half since he said this and no appointment was made.

I don't know what to do. I wrote all of this but i feel like im not making any sense. We keep the communication flowing. I feel we have become adults and can talk about anything. But whenever i think about breaking up, it's hard for me to think about standing up for myself because i know i have my own faults and that im not perfect. that it's probably my fault that he doesn't want to do it with me anymore. I can't stop thinking about the fact that if i decided to leave because we didnt have sex, it would mean that im throwing away all the relationship to the trash only because of that and it feels like it's more than that.

I keep thinking about his feelings and how if i leave, it would mean that he 'wasn't enough'. I can't bear that thought. And it's hard to think about what the family or even the collegues at work would think of our seperation, knowing we're the ideal couple for a lot of people.

I'm struggling. I'm stuck. I don't know what the right decision is and i'm scared. I'm scared i'll be alone after this and no one would want to love me anymore because no one has loved me before he came along. I'm scared that i would regret my decision, because he really is amazing and he does everything for me. He takes care of me and tries to make sure im happy.

I don't know... it's overwhelming.

[Coily]

You deserve to be happy, not constantly struggling with this flawed relationship.

Neither of you is the "bad guy" here, but you both have grown apart. It happens quite often. I think you both care about each other, but not "for" each other; in other words you both don't want to hurt the other.

However, that's not much of a way to live. You need to come to terms that the relationship is over, and they the spark has died. it's better to end it now, so you both can find someone who fulfills the other and brings some spark of passion.