She likes me but she is talking to other guys

[TheG]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

She has trouble saying no to people

Wow! she actually realizes this about herself because she did tell me that she has this problem. I just didnt relate it to the phone calls. This perspective that you have actually sounds like her...

[TheG]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

These guys may not even have any interest in her. They could just be friends sending causual messages

Come to think of it, she sometimes shows me the texts that her friends send her, openly without tying to hide any other message

[TheG]

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

She is open to seeing you on your schedule

One of the things I appreciate the most, Even if I say id like to see her today chances are she would make herself available

[TheG]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

While she goes out there partying and treats you with disrespect every time you take her out. You treat people who treat you kind with kindness. Not people who disrespect you by talking on the phone with other men during date, bring friends to a date, get drunk on it and require you to be their Uber driver. 

This is not quite how she is . Yes she wants to party sometimes and her being a light weight suggests to me she doesnt drink much. She got drunk very quickly . She treats me with respect just the phone call issue which @ShySoul has suggested I could possibly be reading incorrectly. The last time we were out with her friend (Ill stress again that her friend being there was completely my idea) we ordered food and she served me the food. Afterwards after I wiped my hands she took the tissue from me and threw it away. This is the type of energy Iv been getting in general. Its just that that night there were some negative traits that I picked up. 

By the way at some point that night she even gave me her phone to hold while she went to the loo. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, TheG said:

Wow! she actually realizes this about herself because she did tell me that she has this problem. I just didnt relate it to the phone calls. This perspective that you have actually sounds like her...

Yes do you want to be with someone who chooses to take phone calls over spending time with you with the excuse "sorry it was too hard to pick up and say "sorry can't talk now" -- or let it go to VM.  Think long term because she is acting in a rather extreme way choosing to be rude to you on a date because "it's hard!" to say "no".  So what if that's the reason - it's her choice not to put in the effort at that moment to treat you with basic manners.  How often are you willing to put up with a person saying "but it's sooooo hard" if you actually became partners?

Part of it- only part -is the person wants to be nice and thoughtful -most of it is self-absorbed -she wants approval/to be popular and can't be bothered putting in the effort to prioritize so that her date she apparently "likes" will have as much attention as possible on a date.

It's a huge thing in a long term relationship.  Not just the phone just generally the attitude of "well my partner I can take for granted so I'll take the easy way out and do X, Y and Z for these other people and who cares if he's inconvenienced/upset/ignored. I don't let my son get away with those excuses (he's 15) and I trust that my husband has a reasonable sense of boundaries, priorities etc because I knew and saw that from very early days.  I wouldn't say this if it was a one off - if  this is her temperament, how she chooses to interact then the phone thing is only one example of many to come. Be forewarned.

[smackie9]

Well if you are going to keep dating her, then you need to stop knit picking her behaviour and let things settle down over time. Go with the flow.

[SophiaG]

6 hours ago, TheG said:

One of the things I appreciate the most, Even if I say id like to see her today chances are she would make herself available

I'm not sure this takes much effort especially if she's in school and not working. And you already know she has trouble saying no.

6 hours ago, TheG said:

she served me the food. Afterwards after I wiped my hands she took the tissue from me and threw it away. This is the type of energy Iv been getting in general.

What do you mean by "she served you the food"? Also some people do this for friends they dine with - IMO it shows more of them being extra courteous or a people pleaser than how they feel about the person they wait on hand and foot. Also why are you letting her do all this?

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

No one will ever match up perfectly. There will always be things that may annoy us. Couples married for decades will tell you that. But they didn't give up at the first hint of a problem. They work through things together. 

...

If you reject everyone the second they do something that doesn't sit right, its a surefire way to end up alone. And if you came to this site, I bet you don't want to be alone.

If you ignore key differences and incompatibilities early on, it's a surefire way to end up with someone who annoys you constantly and have "rough patches" all the time. Working through things together is for established committed relationship not for people who just met and had a handful of dates. Sure you don't want to be alone but being alone is still vastly better than being with the wrong person.

 

[lostandhurt]

20 hours ago, TheG said:

She asked me to fetch her from her friends place. I fetched her and dropped her home.

What?  Hold on a minute here.

3 dates and she calls you for a ride home from her friends house?  Dude you need to rethink what is going on here.  Are you her Uber driver or someone she is dating?

 She takes calls from other guys while on dates with you, then she calls you not to talk or pick her up to go on a date but for a ride and nothing more?  It sounds like she thinks she has found a chump that will put up with whatever she does so he can have the privilege of dating her.

Stop being so available, live your life and IF you think there is potential keep dating her and see if this is who she really is.

I wonder how many guys she called for a ride before she got to you?

Lost

[TheG]

6 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Also why are you letting her do all this?

She did this without warning. I didnt expect it ? and if she wants to help me out why not just allow her ?

 

[TheG]

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I wonder how many guys she called for a ride before she got to you?

Wouldnt at least one of them said yes if the guys are pursuing ? Also i didnt just drop her, we bonded in the car for about 30 mins before she went in. 

Maybe I should add this context

Its not the first time I do this. The first time this happened I brought it up. She was telling me about having to fix something at school and I offered to take her there. She and her friend dont stay far away (10 minute drive)

[TheG]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes do you want to be with someone who chooses to take phone calls over spending time with you

Does it not count that I havent expressed by concern about this yet? She may not know that she may be doing harm. Remember there is also a thought school that says she wants to be open and not hide incoming calls (suspicious behaviour) ? 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TheG said:

Does it not count that I havent expressed by concern about this yet? She may not know that she may be doing harm. Remember there is also a thought school that says she wants to be open and not hide incoming calls (suspicious behaviour) ? 

No.  If she was interested in being on a date with you she wouldn't take phone calls -she would put her phone on silent or if she was waiting for an emergency call or a work call she'd tell you that in advance that if that call comes in she has to take it.

I'd find it really unstable if a person I was first dating felt like they had to display their phone so I could see who was calling -assuming otherwise I'd be suspicious.  Really?

[lostandhurt]

5 hours ago, TheG said:

Wouldnt at least one of them said yes if the guys are pursuing ? Also i didnt just drop her, we bonded in the car for about 30 mins before she went in. 

 I wouldn't have unless it was to go on a date then drop her off.  I hope the friends house you picked her up from wasn't a guys place.

  I get wanting to help her and offering to be there for her but it has only been 3 dates.  You are not in a relationship and I am not sure if anything physical has happened between you two yet.  You two hardly know each other so put the white knight suit back in the closet and go on dates with her, not errands.

Lost

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, TheG said:

Wouldnt at least one of them said yes if the guys are pursuing ?

Not if they were busy or didn't want to be her chauffeur, no. 

11 hours ago, TheG said:

She may not know that she may be doing harm

Oh, come on. She isn't a child and didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. I am sure she is well aware that taking calls during a date is rather rude. An emergency or important call? Sure, I can understand. Calls from random guys? No. That can wait and she knows it. 

It's up to you if this is the sort of dating you enjoy. 

[ShySoul]

On 10/24/2024 at 7:46 AM, SophiaG said:

If you ignore key differences and incompatibilities early on, it's a surefire way to end up with someone who annoys you constantly and have "rough patches" all the time. Working through things together is for established committed relationship not for people who just met and had a handful of dates. Sure you don't want to be alone but being alone is still vastly better than being with the wrong person

Which is why I'm saying to talk to her about it and work through things. That wouldn't be ignoring it, it would be confronting it.  To say we have a difference so we can't be together at all would be running away from it and avoiding it. Maybe they will resolve it. Maybe it will be too much and they do split. But if they don't talk and try, there is no way it does work. At least this way there is a chance.

And even if it is only three official dates, there is no telling how much time they have actually spent with each other. Calls, texts, video chats - all are communication that serve to get to know a person and bring them closer. For all we know they could have been talking every night for hours at a time. That would be plenty of time to grow a connection and have feelings really develop.

I spent a month talking to a woman everynight online and on the phone before we ever met in person. We talked about everything from musical tastes to religion. By the time we did met in person, we were already very close. Same thing with someone else who I spent months talking to before seeing in real life. At the very least we were good friends. And working through things is what a friend, romantic partner, or even just nice person would do.

[ShySoul]

22 hours ago, TheG said:

She did this without warning. I didnt expect it ? and if she wants to help me out why not just allow her ?

If a person wants to do something nice for you, tell her forget about it. Obviously that means something is wrong with her. 🙄

Seriously, it's like she is wrong either way. She does something nice that you appreciate, so it's bad. But also she is taking advantage of you.

She was fine to do something for you. You were fine to accept it. Same if you did something for her. Just enjoy yourself and have fun.

22 hours ago, TheG said:

Wouldnt at least one of them said yes if the guys are pursuing ? Also i didnt just drop her, we bonded in the car for about 30 mins before she went in. 

Again, it wasn't a case of her being rude and taking advantage of you. You have offered in the past, so she felt it would be okay. You used the time to bond, so it was a good thing. Actually, could be count this as another date. lol Any time together can be time well spent. 

And there is still no proof they are pursing her or that she is taking advantage of anyone.

22 hours ago, TheG said:

Does it not count that I havent expressed by concern about this yet? She may not know that she may be doing harm. Remember there is also a thought school that says she wants to be open and not hide incoming calls (suspicious behaviour) ? 

Yes, it counts.

People can be amazingly oblivous to their actions. They can say and do things and be completely unaware of the affect it has on others. They can get so used to things that they consider it normal and not realize it may not be normal to someone else. I am pretty sure everyone is gulity of that at some point. Doesn't make any of us bad people or mean we are doing something terrible.

Things happen. Misunderstandings and mistakes happen. People do things they shouldn't. Healthy relationships (of all types and at any stage) communicate and resolve them. 

You're doing good. Keep it up.