Is he immature, or am I being unreasonable?"

[Germana_Nova]

We literally just had a huge fight because of Halloween parties and social gatherings. I just found out he shifts a lot of blames on me which is completely unfair. 

Tonight, he told me another friend invited him to a Halloween party but it cost $100 per person to get into the club. He was saying it is too expensive for us because my salary is not high enough to afford it. I told him he can go with them without me but because they are all couples, he doesn't want to.

Also, he has a very snobbish judgmental friend who has been asking us out on a double date which I honestly don't want to entertain. I actually don't even know why he wants to be friends with someone who's so calculated and snobbish. He told me I have no choice but to have dinner with them at a high-end expensive restaurant. The only choice I have is to go this weekend or next weekend. I told him I don't want to go. Then he paused for a couple minute and looked extremely disappointed because it looks like we are not going anywhere on Halloween, and I'm not down to entertain that snobbish friend of his and getting judged throughout dinner. 

Then he said,

"I have to now come up with all those excuses to turn my friends down as of why we can't go and lie to them, and I am making a big deal out of it. I will just tell my friend (the snobbish one) that you don't want to have dinner with them because you don't like them and that's why dinner would not happen. We also now can't go to the house party because we didn't RSVP and it's too late now to say we're going. "

After explaining to him that he can't put the blame on me, and that the friend who is hosting the house party just messaged me today hope to see us there... my boyfriend told me we are not going anywhere this weekend because it's too late now to say yes, and insist I having to lie to them to make an excuse as why we can't make it. 

He shut off the lights and went to sleep saying it's done talking about it. 

 

 

[Tinydance]

15 minutes ago, Germana_Nova said:

We literally just had a huge fight because of Halloween parties and social gatherings. I just found out he shifts a lot of blames on me which is completely unfair. 

Tonight, he told me another friend invited him to a Halloween party but it cost $100 per person to get into the club. He was saying it is too expensive for us because my salary is not high enough to afford it. I told him he can go with them without me but because they are all couples, he doesn't want to.

Also, he has a very snobbish judgmental friend who has been asking us out on a double date which I honestly don't want to entertain. I actually don't even know why he wants to be friends with someone who's so calculated and snobbish. He told me I have no choice but to have dinner with them at a high-end expensive restaurant. The only choice I have is to go this weekend or next weekend. I told him I don't want to go. Then he paused for a couple minute and looked extremely disappointed because it looks like we are not going anywhere on Halloween, and I'm not down to entertain that snobbish friend of his and getting judged throughout dinner. 

Then he said,

"I have to now come up with all those excuses to turn my friends down as of why we can't go and lie to them, and I am making a big deal out of it. I will just tell my friend (the snobbish one) that you don't want to have dinner with them because you don't like them and that's why dinner would not happen. We also now can't go to the house party because we didn't RSVP and it's too late now to say we're going. "

After explaining to him that he can't put the blame on me, and that the friend who is hosting the house party just messaged me today hope to see us there... my boyfriend told me we are not going anywhere this weekend because it's too late now to say yes, and insist I having to lie to them to make an excuse as why we can't make it. 

He shut off the lights and went to sleep saying it's done talking about it. 

 

 

How long have you been with your boyfriend? After this last explanation I actually do think that he sounds immature and pretentious. Who actually cares if his friends are all going out in couples? It's not YOUR problem! You don't have to go out with him when you don't want to just to be his "arm candy". Also if he really wants you there that bad then he should pay for you to go! You have no obligation to go to a Halloween party and he can just go by himself. Also why is it the end of the world if you don't go to a party? You could just stay home and watch scary movies or something. Sounds like the poor child is sulking he didn't get to go trick or treating and eat his candy lol

[ShySoul]

He is friends with someone snobbish and judgemental because he is snobbish and judgemental. He may hide it better, but he seems like that kind of person.

Friends also generally don't lie. He isn't being a friend to them and especially to you.

How long have you been with him? How long has this been going on?

There are all kinds of guys out there who will listen to you and respect you. They will take you into consideration for their plans. They will be honest. They will pay for you and help you improve your situation. They will not have a double standard and will make the effort to do things you want. They will not blame or gaslight. They will love you.

I know it is hard when you have cared for someone. But what are you getting from him that could justify staying with him? You don't seem happy. And any good relationship, any good man, would be making you happy.

 

[MissCanuck]

43 minutes ago, Germana_Nova said:

He told me I have no choice but to have dinner with them at a high-end expensive restaurant

Then I would tell him I have no choice but to find a better man to date. 

Bye. 

[Germana_Nova]

I had been with him for 4 years. 

The very first friend I met of his was the snobbish one. I really didn't like him and everyone else surrounding his friend was same like him... or worst. They care about what college you go to, what did you study, what do you do for work, etc. If it is not what they want to hear, they instantly lose interest in talking to you and the entire tone of voice changes. I am a college drop-out and I'm just an admin. They obviously have no respect for me because of that, and not because of who I am as a person. My boyfriend knows they treat me different but think that it was my problem for not being "sociable" enough. He is clearly not standing up for me. I stopped going to this guy's party, and my boyfriend does have to make excuses for me and he hates how I can't just go. Now, he wants me to have a double date with this guy. 

Then I start to realized he doesn't have much friends who ask him out. He even told me he is just so desperate to go out that he doesn't care if everyone at the party is snobbish. He had a friend who was a constant flake to him and even stood up (no show) a few times, and I told him that's not good and he should stop hanging out with him. My boyfriend was actually making excuses for this friend and arguing that the friendship is fine until one day, his friend stood up again and stopped talking to him completely. 

I really don't know why he feels really guilty when he can't attend a party, and that he has to "LIE" to the host as of why he can't go , or blame it on me. I remember once we had an argument couple hours before him going to a friend's party. It wasn't even a close friend. He was in a bad mood and didn't feel like going. I felt bad. However, he called his friend and told him that "my girlfriend started a big fight with me and I don't have the mood to come anymore". First, I never started the fight. Second, I never even had met this person before and this is a really bad impression on me. For this, I don't understand why he had to be so honest about it, and can't just simply say "sorry something emergency came up, can't make it today but I'll make it up to you". 

 

[Germana_Nova]

Is it really that bad that I don't want to have dinner with his snobbish friend and his date? 

[Tinydance]

10 minutes ago, Germana_Nova said:

I had been with him for 4 years. 

The very first friend I met of his was the snobbish one. I really didn't like him and everyone else surrounding his friend was same like him... or worst. They care about what college you go to, what did you study, what do you do for work, etc. If it is not what they want to hear, they instantly lose interest in talking to you and the entire tone of voice changes. I am a college drop-out and I'm just an admin. They obviously have no respect for me because of that, and not because of who I am as a person. My boyfriend knows they treat me different but think that it was my problem for not being "sociable" enough. He is clearly not standing up for me. I stopped going to this guy's party, and my boyfriend does have to make excuses for me and he hates how I can't just go. Now, he wants me to have a double date with this guy. 

Then I start to realized he doesn't have much friends who ask him out. He even told me he is just so desperate to go out that he doesn't care if everyone at the party is snobbish. He had a friend who was a constant flake to him and even stood up (no show) a few times, and I told him that's not good and he should stop hanging out with him. My boyfriend was actually making excuses for this friend and arguing that the friendship is fine until one day, his friend stood up again and stopped talking to him completely. 

I really don't know why he feels really guilty when he can't attend a party, and that he has to "LIE" to the host as of why he can't go , or blame it on me. I remember once we had an argument couple hours before him going to a friend's party. It wasn't even a close friend. He was in a bad mood and didn't feel like going. I felt bad. However, he called his friend and told him that "my girlfriend started a big fight with me and I don't have the mood to come anymore". First, I never started the fight. Second, I never even had met this person before and this is a really bad impression on me. For this, I don't understand why he had to be so honest about it, and can't just simply say "sorry something emergency came up, can't make it today but I'll make it up to you". 

 

But he wasn't even being honest! He lied that not going to that friend's party was your fault! Which is super pathetic. He doesn't need you to go with him to parties, he can go alone. It actually doesn't even sound like most of these people are his real friends. If they were, they would invite him out more. It sounds like maybe they just invite him as some kind of place filler. Like, those friends in the rural area are charging $30 to go to their party?! What?! If they want everyone to contribute then they should just ask people to being food and drinks to share. You can't just charge people to come to your party! Just super weird.

[Germana_Nova]

10 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

But he wasn't even being honest! He lied that not going to that friend's party was your fault! Which is super pathetic. He doesn't need you to go with him to parties, he can go alone. It actually doesn't even sound like most of these people are his real friends. If they were, they would invite him out more. It sounds like maybe they just invite him as some kind of place filler. Like, those friends in the rural area are charging $30 to go to their party?! What?! If they want everyone to contribute then they should just ask people to being food and drinks to share. You can't just charge people to come to your party! Just super weird.

What he's trying to say is yes, he can go alone but he has to lie to his friends as to why I can't make it. 

You are absolutely right, he doesn't have real friends but one who moved out of the country. This is why I feel bad for him. I think he doesn't have real friends and he's desperate. 

One thing I forgot to say was his friend who is snobbish first invited us to see a live concert last minute. It was so obvious they were looking for another couple to go with and we were probably the last option. My boyfriend didn't want to go and watch that concert. He then told me he will offer "dinner" instead and I TOLD HIM NO because it is really unpleasant for me. Just go out with him ALONE. They still haven't found out what I do for living and that I am a college drop out. My boyfriend REFUSED to listen to me and asked him to have a dinner double date. So I had already told him no to the dinner before he did this. 

[MissCanuck]

Who he hangs out with and whether or not they're real friends wouldn't even be the real problem for me. The real problem would be the way he orders you around and disrespects you:

2 hours ago, Germana_Nova said:

He told me I have no choice but to have dinner with them at a high-end expensive restaurant.

1 hour ago, Germana_Nova said:

he called his friend and told him that "my girlfriend started a big fight with me and I don't have the mood to come anymore"

This is not a man I could have a relationship with.  He sounds like an arse. 

[smackie9]

I get it you endured/invested 4 years into this relationship...I say you invested poorly because you are not getting respect, compromise, but are getting defensiveness, stonewalling and gaslighting. I walked away from a 5 year relationship...it was the best decision I ever made. IMO I think you should get out. You don't "fit in" with his friends or the lifestyle and get treated like crap. Your BF is a bully. Punt him to the curb.

[Coily]

15 hours ago, Germana_Nova said:

My boyfriend makes over $100,000 a year, yet he insists we split the cost of trips 50/50, even though I earn significantly less. We live in the city, and his friend lives 92 km away in the suburbs, which, with traffic and construction, often turns into a 1.5-hour to get there. The gas is expensive, and driving 2-3 hours just for simple errands like groceries sounds ridiculous in my city.

He can clearly afford the rentals, but it's unfair to ask you to shoulder the costs for his excursions. Different locales, different priorities.

 

15 hours ago, Germana_Nova said:

What bothers me even more is the double standard. He refuses to travel more than 10-15 minutes for my friends or even for errands, but he expects me to be okay with it as if his time and convenience matter more than mine. He’s become stingy (time and money), especially when it comes to spending on us, but he has no problem spending money on his friends.

This is the real crux of the issue. You need to discuss this; not get hung up on the 4-5 visits a year to his friends. What kind of expenses are we talking that he has become stingy about? Is he giving them lavish gifts and you get a mop?

 

15 hours ago, Germana_Nova said:

Technically, I don’t have to go with him to these gatherings, but I feel guilty because his friends' spouses are always there. When he’s gone without me, his friends have assumed I’m avoiding them or that I don’t like them, which just adds more pressure on me to go. I am not forcing him to stay in the city, I just don't want to go. If he wants to go he can go by himself but at the same time, he doesn't want to go without me. 

Then don't go. Couples should and can do things separately; you are more worried about the social implications than he is. He'll make an excuse for you (not cowardice by the by) not being there, to be polite; and he'll have a fine time and you can enjoy a quiet evening at home or with local friends.

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Germana_Nova said:

...yet he insists we split the cost of trips 50/50, even though I earn significantly less.

Do you mean 'these' trips? If so, I'd just say, "No way."

If I do opt to go, it's a favor to him, and I not only wouldn't pay half, I wouldn't pay a penny. I'd suggest he bribe me with something worth my while. Successful couples negotiate; they offer one another things of value to the other to get something of value from them.

But if I don't want to do that? There's no possible emotional manipulation that could move me from my position. He can SAY whatever he wants me to believe 'his friends' say, but that's just too bad, so sad.

I think your relationship is imbalanced, and it's not just about these trips.

[Coily]

Just trying to understand here, outside of these parties and dinners, does your BF have other social outlets? Does he have a cadre of friends that he can socialize with regularly?

If the answer is no to those, he could be extremely lonely, and you are shouldering the burden of being his tether when out at these events with very... arrogant malakas. Just seems there's a lot more to this situation.

[Germana_Nova]

His best friend (very nice guy and definitely a very good friend) left the country. I hate to say this but this is probably the only friend he has who really cares about him. 

All his current social outlets aren't really real friends. He met some new people he play sports with but those aren't really friends. The one who lives far out in the suburbs is the only one who I think can be considered as a "friend" but definitely, not close.

The one who is arrogant and snobbish is the one who he had known the longest (from high school) who still lives in the city as us. I am definitely not the only one who doesn't like this guy. His best friend actually knows this snobbish guy as well since they all went to the same high school, but guess what, even his best friend doesn't like this guy and they aren't friends.