Is he immature, or am I being unreasonable?"

[Germana_Nova]

There are several valid reasons why attending my boyfriend's friend’s house parties doesn’t make sense. First, they live an hour drive away, and we don’t have a car. His friend also has two young kids at home, and even though the parties go until 2-3 a.m. (which feels odd considering the kids are upstairs), the long drive back is exhausting. On top of that, we have to rent a car, which costs around $150 for two days, plus gas and Uber rides to and from the rental location, since it’s not close by. Since January, we've already spent about $600 on car rentals just to attend this friend's parties.

I don’t drive due to a fear of driving after a severe car accident, so my boyfriend is the only one who can drive. That also means he can’t really drink much, and sometimes I’m not sure if he’s still taking risks. To make it worse, I can’t even drive the rental car since I’m not on the rental agreement and don’t have insurance for it. His friends can’t accommodate us overnight, and he refuses to pay for a hotel, making the whole situation more inconvenient. I’d much rather go somewhere closer to avoid these problems. If it were his friend's birthday or a special occasion, it’d be understandable—but not for casual parties. Spending $600 a year on rentals for house parties, plus the hassle of long drives, just doesn’t make sense.

Now, we’ve been invited to his friend’s Halloween party. I suggested that unless we have a ride, we should go somewhere else. No one else lives an hour away like we do, and no one lives near us, so finding a ride isn’t realistic. Plus, we’re tight on money right now, and it feels like a waste to spend money on car rentals for a Halloween party.

However, my boyfriend made a big deal about "not attending" the party, saying he’d have to lie to his friend and blame it on me by saying “my girlfriend wants to stay in the city.” I don’t understand why he can’t just be honest and say we don’t have a car and that renting one is too expensive. It is so unnecessary for him to be dishonest and he blames on me the reason as to why he has to lie. His friend even acknowledged once that we live far and it’s understandable if we can’t make it to every party.

Now my boyfriend is pressuring me to find another party to attend this weekend so we’re not "lying." If I can’t, he insists we’ll go to his friend’s party instead.

I checked the car rental prices for this weekend, and it’s actually $170, plus gas and Uber rides. It is also not free since we have to give his friend $30/person on food and drinks, bringing the total cost for the night to over $230 (+gas and uber). For just one night out, plus two hours of driving and having to return the car early the next day, it really doesn’t seem worth it. 

My boyfriend is making it out that I am being difficult and annoying for not wanting to attend this house party. I find him very childish on his end and at 33 years-old, he's acting like a 21 year-old can't believe he's missing this house party. Am I? 

[ShySoul]

6 minutes ago, Germana_Nova said:

However, my boyfriend made a big deal about "not attending" the party, saying he’d have to lie to his friend and blame it on me by saying “my girlfriend wants to stay in the city.”

It is so unnecessary for him to be dishonest and he blames on me the reason as to why he has to lie. 

Now my boyfriend is pressuring me to find another party to attend this weekend so we’re not "lying." If I can’t, he insists we’ll go to his friend’s party instead.

My boyfriend is making it out that I am being difficult and annoying for not wanting to attend this house party. I find him very childish on his end and at 33 years-old, he's acting like a 21 year-old can't believe he's missing this house party. Am I? 

You are not unreasonable. You are being a clear headed adult looking out for both of you financially, emotionally, and physically. You are being logical and are completely right on this.

He is being immature. He is also being an extremely bad boyfriend and trying to gaslight (a term I generally am hesitant to use) you into thinking it is your fault. Rather then take responsibilty for his own actions and just admit he wants to go, he wants to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do. You don't need to go to any party, let alone one so far away with so many barriers. And there is no reason for him to have to lie or put it on you, especiallly if the friends are ok with things.

Is this something he does often? If so, I would consider rather or not this relationship is worth it. Let him know your feelings and how wrong it is for him to try and place the blame on you. If he can be mature enough to own up to his actions and be sorry, trying to change, then maybe give him a chance. If he can't, then you shouldn't be taking such disrespect.

[Andrina]

It is smart to have financial stability as a must-have when choosing a lifetime partner. I'm assuming he can't afford a car. That he hasn't saved a nest egg for emergencies. That he doesn't put money into retirement savings. That he's not working to his fullest ability and instead is skating by paycheck to paycheck and is okay with that. That he blows money fast as he makes it. If all of that is true, then yes, you can do better. Although I hope you're doing all you can, yourself, to ensure financial stability in your own life.

[Kwothe28]

38 minutes ago, Germana_Nova said:

I don’t understand why he can’t just be honest and say we don’t have a car and that renting one is too expensive.

Pride?

I am sorry but car rentals, Ubers, taxis and everything are a service and as such are expensive thing. I saved a small fortune by owning a car. Sure, you still need to keep them in check and buy gas. But its saving you a fortune because, again a service costs good money because its something you cant do yourself. You cant buy a car or you dont drive or are afraid to drive(woman from who I bought my used car had that problem, she lived in big city and was afraid to drive there because heavy traffic), so that means Uber and others are making a fortune on you because they offer you a service you need. 

As for your problem, I dunno because I dont live in USA but 300 dollars(With gas and Uber assuming it would be that much) seems way too much for a party. Maybe your boyfriend really likes his friends but if they live that far, maybe he should limit his visitations to them if he doesnt have that kind of funds. For example, for 600 dollars and above you can buy a used car here. Not very good ones but still car. 

Some people cant do good with money. I have a friend who has OK job now. But he really cant allocate his funds good. I am often joking that if you give him a million dollars, he would spent that in a month and still borrow money from others. Now he doesnt have money but wants to organize a big 40 birthday party for him since our friend who has a lot of money did it. My colleague is also like that. He for example took credit from bank for everything. Never has money because what he earns goes to that credit and he is on the verge of losing his job completely since he is not there indefinitely. Your boyfriend seems like one of those types. He wants all those stuff like to honor his friends and go to them for a party but doesnt think if you realistically have money for that. So if you do that you would spend a lot, thus not having money for something else etc. Again, some people are not really good with that and they would always be just somebody who scraps by.

[yogacat]

Part of the reason it is so expensive is because you don't drive. It's expensive for me too, I have a fear of driving on highways so if I do have to go on a highway, I will first see if there is mass transit available and if not, I Uber. It really sounds like he is mad he has to drive so much and can't enjoy himself.

[SophiaG]

He's being childish and unreasonable. You are completely in the right for not wanting to go to a party regardless of the transportation factor. If he's so hellbent on attending he can go by himself and pay all the cost from his own funds (assuming you two didn't merge finance completely or at least have your own pocket money). I also find it hard to trust people who'd drive after partying until 2-3am even if they've been "limiting" the drinking.

[ShySoul]

If someone doesn't want to go to a party, they don't need a list of reasons. It is perfectly fine to simply not want to go.That is how they feel and they are entitled to feel it. They shouldn't need to justify it and certainly should be used as someone else's excuse. And most of all, they should not be made to feel guilty for it.

This isn't about who drives, expenses or finances. This is about one person attacking their partner because they aren't getting their way. And that's simply inexcusable. 

Germana, I'm sorry about your accident and the fear you must have. I'm sorry he acts like this. I hope you can either get him to understand how it makes you feel or can find yourself in a better situation where someone won't be saying those things to you. Best wishes.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Germana_Nova said:

my boyfriend is pressuring me to find another party to attend this weekend so we’re not "lying." If I can’t, he insists we’ll go to his friend’s party instead.

We? Uh, no. I would tell him he can go if he wants, but I won't be attending or contributing to the costs. 

[Tinydance]

So does this friend live in some kind of rural area?  Or you live in a rural area? Are there any trains or any kind of public transport there? I live in a big city of six million people and here you sometimes do spend an hour or a bit more driving to a party that's actually just in the same suburb. I do actually drive and have a car. Before I had a car, I actually just used to catch public transport everywhere. I sometimes did take over an hour to get to a party but I'd catch public transport there and walk and usually stay the night at the party. If I had to way to get home and wasn't offered to sleep over, then yeah I wouldn't have gone.

I think your boyfriend is being immature in the sense that he forces you to go to these parties. Do you live together and share your money? Does he work full-time? You don't have to go if you don't want to and you shouldn't be forced to go.

I think if you're struggling financially then yeah spending all that money on Ubers and car rental is probably too much. But on the other hand you do actually save a lot of money by not owning a car to begin with. Here it's really expensive to own a car. A decent car, even second hand is like $10, 000 minimum. Car registration per year is like $1500. My car full tank to fill up is between $80 - $100. If you're wondering if that's a lot in my country, yes it is lol But to catch public transport is a $10 daily ticket. I still think you're probably saving money by not owning a car.

The way I see it, if you're not struggling with money, your boyfriend works, then he can go to these parties if he wants. People have different priorities what they spend their money on. Some people will spend thousands on video games or going on an annual holiday. If your boyfriend doesn't spend frivolously otherwise and this is what he prefers to spend money on, cool.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

So does this friend live in some kind of rural area?  Or you live in a rural area? Are there any trains or any kind of public transport there? I live in a big city of six million people and here you sometimes do spend an hour or a bit more driving to a party that's actually just in the same suburb. I do actually drive and have a car. Before I had a car, I actually just used to catch public transport everywhere. I sometimes did take over an hour to get to a party but I'd catch public transport there and walk and usually stay the night at the party. If I had to way to get home and wasn't offered to sleep over, then yeah I wouldn't have gone.

I think your boyfriend is being immature in the sense that he forces you to go to these parties. Do you live together and share your money? Does he work full-time? You don't have to go if you don't want to and you shouldn't be forced to go.

I think if you're struggling financially then yeah spending all that money on Ubers and car rental is probably too much. But on the other hand you do actually save a lot of money by not owning a car to begin with. Here it's really expensive to own a car. A decent car, even second hand is like $10, 000 minimum. Car registration per year is like $1500. My car full tank to fill up is between $80 - $100. If you're wondering if that's a lot in my country, yes it is lol But to catch public transport is a $10 daily ticket. I still think you're probably saving money by not owning a car.

The way I see it, if you're not struggling with money, your boyfriend works, then he can go to these parties if he wants. People have different priorities what they spend their money on. Some people will spend thousands on video games or going on an annual holiday. If your boyfriend doesn't spend frivolously otherwise and this is what he prefers to spend money on, cool.

Sorry I meant to say that you could spend 1 + hours driving to another suburb in my city. But not the same suburb. The suburbs aren't that huge lol But you could definitely spend even two hours driving to another suburb on the opposite side of the city. If you're catching public transport could be even longer. 

[Coily]

It's October, and it's only been $600 since January? And $150 per trip, that only 4 trips so far.

If it's not stretching your BF's budget, then yes, you are being unreasonable. Very unreasonable at that.

Also, an hour drive? That's nothing. I've lived where it's 2-3 hours one way to get groceries.

You don't have to go, but not allowing him to do so is controlling.

 

 

[smackie9]

Why don't you get together and invest in getting a mini van or some kind of SUV. I had a camper van and I drove that thing everywhere and slept in it when I attended parties. It was a win win. So all this money spent on ubers, etc you could have been making payments a vehicle. And I also suggest you seek out therapy for your trauma. You can't spend your life in fear of driving again. When you have kids, you are going to really need to be able to drive.

[catfeeder]

As a go-forward way to avoid fighting over finances, consider the 3 account method; His, Hers, and Ours. Both partners contribute to the Ours account to pay all shared expenses, savings and investments. Create a budget to learn the total required, then each pays into it according to percentage of earnings, so whoever earns more pays the larger percentage.

Once the Ours account is satisfied each month, each keeps the remaining income for their own His or Her account to save or spend as each wishes. So if your partner wants to spend his on making these trips, then that expense won't impact you.