My boyfriend went to a strip club for 30 minutes

[Oopsiedoopsie]

My friend and I were attending an event in South Florida and my boyfriend went to a strip club during the event. He took my car since he dropped us off, and didn’t tell me where he was going. My brother (who was working nearby) was expecting him to meet up. My brother works long hours during the week, so he really needs to catch up on sleep when possible. Like past 6:30 at night he’s done for the day.

Anyways, so my boyfriend went to a strip club which is known for being warehouse size. He says he got food, checked it out, left. I believe him in this aspect, I just do not like him going behind my back. I asked him why not just tell me, he said it’s because I’d be upset. I told him I’m more upset that he attempted to hide it. I only found out because my car notifies me when it’s parked. So I texted him and my brother since I thought they were there together. My brother was so confused, tried to call him 3 times to link up, my boyfriend didn’t pick up. I accepted his apology, but I can’t help but feel off about it. We have been dating for over a year, so I’m very serious about him. I told him basically “forget you and your bucket list if it’s going to place us in a bad spot”. He understands but idk. I’m still upset and I do not know how to approach all this. 

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Oopsiedoopsie said:

I told him basically “forget you and your bucket list if it’s going to place us in a bad spot”.

Wait, did he tell you going to strip club was on his bucket list? 

 

[Oopsiedoopsie]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Wait, did he tell you going to strip club was on his bucket list? 

 

He said this specific one was. It’s a very large strip club in South FL (Miami area). 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Oopsiedoopsie said:

He says he got food, checked it out, left. I believe him in this aspect, I just do not like him going behind my back. I asked him why not just tell me, he said it’s because I’d be upset. I told him I’m more upset that he attempted to hide it.

^^I'm curious how you would have reacted had he told you prior to him going?   Would you have been okay with it? 

It's was 30 minutes to pick up food, but for some reason he didn't trust you with the truth so he withheld telling you.

No offense but you come across quite heavy handed.  No wonder he feared telling you.  Just my take.

Try being a little more open and accepting, create an environment wherein he feels "safe" sharing stuff like this with you. 

Right now he's scared of you, scared of being truthful even about mediocre stuff like this - in and out of a stripper establishment to pick up food. 

This makes for a very unhealthy dynamic, more like a parent/child dynamic versus boyfriend/girlfriend.

JMO, good luck. 

 

 

[SophiaG]

So your bf stood your brother up to go to this strip club?

Did he know you can see where your car is parked?

What's your stance on people in a relationship going to strip clubs in general?

[yogacat]

I don't agree with his reasoning for not telling you but it brings up a question --> if he had said beforehand he was going to go here, would you have been that uncomfortable? Obviously, not being honest/hiding things is not good but do you have an implicit understanding that he's not allowed to go to strip clubs? Are there other factors or behaviors that lead him to hide going out?

[Oopsiedoopsie]

40 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^I'm curious how you would have reacted had he told you prior to him going?   Would you have been okay with it? 

It's was 30 minutes to pick up food, but for some reason he didn't trust you with the truth so he withheld telling you.

No offense but you come across quite heavy handed.  No wonder he feared telling you.  Just my take.

Try being a little more open and accepting, create an environment wherein he feels "safe" sharing stuff like this with you. 

Right now he's scared of you, scared of being truthful even about mediocre stuff like this - in and out of a stripper establishment to pick up food. 

This makes for a very unhealthy dynamic, more like a parent/child dynamic versus boyfriend/girlfriend.

JMO, good luck. 

 

 

All good, I can be quite anxious at times. We established at the beginning of our relationship that I’m not a fan of guys in relationships going to strip clubs by themselves. Just my personal preference.
He went to strip clubs when he was a single guy which ok fine who cares? But now he’s not single and hasn’t been for over a year, and this boundary has already been established.
His genuine intention for going to the club was to check it out, I wholeheartedly believe that. I’d be upset with him wanting to go if he had told me before, but at least I would be in the know. He never expressed interest in seeing this club. Never even mentioned wanting to go. 

[Oopsiedoopsie]

33 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

So your bf stood your brother up to go to this strip club?

Did he know you can see where your car is parked?

What's your stance on people in a relationship going to strip clubs in general?

He basically stood up my brother to check out the club. I told him before my car can, but I don’t think he thought about it when parking the car. 

I am personally not a fan with people going to strip clubs while in a relationship by themselves UNLESS they are both going and are ok with it and it’s more a date night.

[Oopsiedoopsie]

24 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I don't agree with his reasoning for not telling you but it brings up a question --> if he had said beforehand he was going to go here, would you have been that uncomfortable? Obviously, not being honest/hiding things is not good but do you have an implicit understanding that he's not allowed to go to strip clubs? Are there other factors or behaviors that lead him to hide going out?

I’d be uncomfortable, since we have made it clear in our relationship that I do not believe a person in a relationship should be caught alone at a strip club. Now, if he said he wants to go, he thinks it would be cool, we can go together etc I’d be more inclined to say ok let’s go. I think he knows my boundary with strip clubs, but his curiosity of what this specific club looks like got the best of him.

I can come off pretty anxious with some things and become quite obsessive when I am on a roll. I’m not worried he went to the club and got a dance or anything like that. It’s just the going behind my back. 

[ShySoul]

Honesty is key in any relationship. It is the lie that causes just as much if not more problems then the act itself.

If you told him that you didn't like the idea of him going, then he should have listened and respected you enough not to do it. Everything else is a distraction. The root is that he intentionally kept something from you despite knowing it would upset you.

You can't change the past or undo what he did. Holding onto it will just cause you more grief. But he needs to be made clear that total transparancy and honesty is necessary going forward. You need to be able to trust him, and this hurts that trust. How do you know he isn't hiding something else in the name of "protecting you" from it? 

You are perfectly right to be upset and hurt by it. I'm sorry he did this. Any club isn't worth lying to your girlfriend about.

[yogacat]

8 minutes ago, Oopsiedoopsie said:

I’d be uncomfortable, since we have made it clear in our relationship that I do not believe a person in a relationship should be caught alone at a strip club. Now, if he said he wants to go, he thinks it would be cool, we can go together etc I’d be more inclined to say ok let’s go. I think he knows my boundary with strip clubs, but his curiosity of what this specific club looks like got the best of him.

I can come off pretty anxious with some things and become quite obsessive when I am on a roll. I’m not worried he went to the club and got a dance or anything like that. It’s just the going behind my back. 

It's unfortunate that he went behind your back and I don't condone that. The thing with placing rules on people in relationships is that rules constricts you and you give the other person a system to go around. His curiosity of the club got the best of him.

Let him know how you feel about it and why. Explain that it's the discomfort of not being told the truth. It's okay to explain and voice how you feel. If you "sound anxious," I promise you that if you swallow your words instead of voicing them, it'll snowball into a bigger issue.

I.E: "Hey, when you did this, it hurt my feelings because I thought we agreed on something." 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Oopsiedoopsie said:

He says he got food, checked it out, left. I believe him in this aspect.

Is the food particularly good there?  Was there no other place he could get take out?

IF he were just going for take out, he had nothing to hide so I don't blame ya for being bothered that he didn't tell you. 

I dunno, is it really that big of a deal tho?  

Going forward, just tell him to always be truthful, you will try to remain open minded and go from there? 

View this as a teachable moment in your relationship (for both of you) and learn from this?   That's what I would do. 

Are you happy in this relationship in general?

 

[Oopsiedoopsie]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Is the food particularly good there?  Was there no other place he could get take out?

IF he were just going for take out, he had nothing to hide so I don't blame ya for being bothered that he didn't tell you. 

I dunno, is it really that big of a deal?  

Going forward, just tell him to always be truthful, you will try to remain open minded and learn from this?  

Are you happy in this relationship on general?

 

Omg yes so happy. Literally love of my life, we have picked out rings. I think I might take the advice of being open minded. He’s never had food at a strip club so he told me he just wanted to try it, which is on character for him. We’ll stop on the side of the interstate for random things just to check them out. This strip club is actually quite elaborate. from what he has told me and what I have read, it’s like Costco size. Which is crazy, so I can see him wanting to check it out.

[SophiaG]

I'm ok with strip clubs especially if we were to go together but I see nothing wrong with having the boundary of not going to strip clubs in a relationship. The bf's behavior is problematic IMO. He's not transparent to OP and also rude to her brother by basically going MIA.

I dunno, to me this just sounds too irresponsible and unreliable and I'm afraid this might not be the only occasion where he's being untruthful. OP having "rules" or boundaries didn't cause him to behave in a shady manner, he made the choice to do so. If he had an issue with her boundary he could have said something or find someone open minded with strip clubs to date. If he's willing to lie to you about something this small how can you trust him to be honest about other inconvenient truths in case "you get upset"?

[yogacat]

Yes, the concern is the lying... but I can almost see why he did it.. He was in South FL and it was on his bucket list. The lying / forgetting to mention it is a problem.

It's deception - not a good foundation for relationships. He ought to see this and apologize and be honest next time. In this case, the poster objects to it, and I guess that is her right.

The boyfriend knew you would disapprove of his going to the strip club, and that was why he hid it. If he had told you, perhaps you would have stopped him, or gone too. 

[Batya33]

I see this as an unhealthy dynamic -you place restrictions on him, get "obsessive" so he reacts by sneaking stuff -neither is healthy and obviously lying is not ok.  But it's kind of feeding off each other.

It's like a parent-teenager -parent restricts teen's access to social media far more than any of his friends so teen finds a workaround and gets "caught."

[smackie9]

So if this was a one off thing, take this opportunity to reestablish boundaries and expectations. Good old honest communication. Since you two are getting ready for engagement it's time to be more as one and not two. If he wants to do something like that again, it would make more sense to experience it together and to let him know that. If the behaviour repeats itself I would be taking the deposit of those rings.

[TeeDee]

You are overreacting.  It was 30 freaking minutes.  Even if it was 3 hours you are still overreacting.  I understand why he didn't tell you.  He didn't want this drama. 

Look if you don't like strip clubs or people who hide info from you, he might not be your guy.  

Take a look at whether your boundaries & principles are compatible.  

[Coily]

There seems to be two factors here. His lack of telling you he wanted to stop and your obsessing over it.

It sounds like he saw an opportunity to stop at a place that he finds fascinating and forgot the time, as you mentioned when driving he likes to stop at things that fascinate or interest him. He probably figured a quick stop and move on, no biggie. If he stopped at a random car museum or something without the sexual aspects and blew your brother off would you be as upset?

Your obsession while being "on a roll" about such things will only harm yourself and most relationships. He avoided (and yet ironically cause more) drama by not telling you everything. Which, speaks of his trepidation of you becoming obsessed with his movements.