I am insecure in my relationship

[Strule]

My girlfriend went on a business trip, and over the weekend, she went out for drinks with a guy who works at the company she visited. She told me she finds him handsome. They got drunk, and later, he returned to her hotel room, and she let him in. She says she didn’t cheat on me and that they just talked. This happened a couple of weeks ago, and after that, she was messaging him and even called him. I told her that it bothers me, so she has stopped for now. We’ve talked about it several times, and she assures me that nothing happened, but she says her feelings are a little messed up. I’m unsure, and it keeps bothering me.

[Batya33]

What agreements do you have about your relationship? Are  you allowed to do date-like activities with members of the opposite sex ?  Do you often chat about who else you find attractive?

She may not have cheated and IMHO -the way I see exclusive relationships, she is acting inappropriately and playing with fire and I mean at least she is letting you know she is attracted to him and likely has feelings for him.  I'd  tell her it's best if you take space from each other.  If in the future she wants to date you again and wants to be exclusive again you can talk about that in the future.

[Kwothe28]

You are not "insecure". Insecure would be to, I dunno you be jealous on coworker because he is handsome to her and dont let her to have contact with him at all. This is emotional cheating. And that is at best case scenario and if you really believe they "talked" when she let him into her room. Unless if you are in one of those "opened relationships", this is grounds for her getting the boot to the streets where she belongs.

[redswim30]

OP, I think you have a STRONG reason to be feeling insecure. 

If her feelings are messed up, then regardless of whether or not she actually cheated on you doesn't even matter, as she very clearly has strong feelings for this other guy or she wouldn't be confused or have her feelings be "messed up". 

I'm also sorry to say, whether or not they were physical, something DID happen between them- they are being emotionally intimate.  Just the fact that she was willing to let someone that she find attractive into her hotel room when they were drunk, shows a huge amount of disrespect for you (regardless of whether or not they just talked) and lack of consideration for you and your relationship. 

At best, she does not value you.  I would strongly consider breaking up with her.  At a moment where her loyalty was testing, she had no issue crossing boundaries that would make most people in committed relationships uncomfortable.  I often defend opposite gender friendships, but this is clearly more than that. 

She can defend herself as much as she wants to you, but the vast majority of people would consider her action at BEST questionable judgment and at worst, at LEAST emotional cheating (if not more). 

Her stopping messaging him isn't the solution here, because it doesn't change her feelings or confusion. 

I'm sorry to say that it's time for a tough talk.   You need to ask her if she has feelings for him.  If so, you need to decide if you want to stay and try to work it out or if you're better off breaking up. 

IMVHO, I would break up with her.  Even in the very best scenario, what she did is incredibly disrespectful and dismissive towards you. 

 

[Strule]

When I try talk to her, she always says that I made up that "cheating" situations in my mind because I dont trust her.

[Strule]

20 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

OP, I think you have a STRONG reason to be feeling insecure. 

If her feelings are messed up, then regardless of whether or not she actually cheated on you doesn't even matter, as she very clearly has strong feelings for this other guy or she wouldn't be confused or have her feelings be "messed up". 

I'm also sorry to say, whether or not they were physical, something DID happen between them- they are being emotionally intimate.  Just the fact that she was willing to let someone that she find attractive into her hotel room when they were drunk, shows a huge amount of disrespect for you (regardless of whether or not they just talked) and lack of consideration for you and your relationship. 

At best, she does not value you.  I would strongly consider breaking up with her.  At a moment where her loyalty was testing, she had no issue crossing boundaries that would make most people in committed relationships uncomfortable.  I often defend opposite gender friendships, but this is clearly more than that. 

She can defend herself as much as she wants to you, but the vast majority of people would consider her action at BEST questionable judgment and at worst, at LEAST emotional cheating (if not more). 

Her stopping messaging him isn't the solution here, because it doesn't change her feelings or confusion. 

I'm sorry to say that it's time for a tough talk.   You need to ask her if she has feelings for him.  If so, you need to decide if you want to stay and try to work it out or if you're better off breaking up. 

IMVHO, I would break up with her.  Even in the very best scenario, what she did is incredibly disrespectful and dismissive towards you. 

 

When we try to talk, she says that it was a month ago and why I ask her about that all the time. She says that that situation have nothing with me, that I should leave it because it would be easier to her to get over that.

It was a month ago, but some days I'm ok, and some days I have osim in chest and stomach because of that.

[Strule]

24 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

OP, I think you have a STRONG reason to be feeling insecure. 

If her feelings are messed up, then regardless of whether or not she actually cheated on you doesn't even matter, as she very clearly has strong feelings for this other guy or she wouldn't be confused or have her feelings be "messed up". 

I'm also sorry to say, whether or not they were physical, something DID happen between them- they are being emotionally intimate.  Just the fact that she was willing to let someone that she find attractive into her hotel room when they were drunk, shows a huge amount of disrespect for you (regardless of whether or not they just talked) and lack of consideration for you and your relationship. 

At best, she does not value you.  I would strongly consider breaking up with her.  At a moment where her loyalty was testing, she had no issue crossing boundaries that would make most people in committed relationships uncomfortable.  I often defend opposite gender friendships, but this is clearly more than that. 

She can defend herself as much as she wants to you, but the vast majority of people would consider her action at BEST questionable judgment and at worst, at LEAST emotional cheating (if not more). 

Her stopping messaging him isn't the solution here, because it doesn't change her feelings or confusion. 

I'm sorry to say that it's time for a tough talk.   You need to ask her if she has feelings for him.  If so, you need to decide if you want to stay and try to work it out or if you're better off breaking up. 

IMVHO, I would break up with her.  Even in the very best scenario, what she did is incredibly disrespectful and dismissive towards you. 

 

Also, she says that she did not fall in love with him, that they just connected on some special level at first sight.

[Strule]

I saw her WhatsApp conversation with him, she called him a week ago, but he didnt answer. When I asked her why she called him, she told me that she had "I felt like it" for that and asked me why I bring that topic up.

[Kwothe28]

10 minutes ago, Strule said:

When I try talk to her, she always says that I made up that "cheating" situations in my mind because I dont trust her.

Classic gaslighting. Dont fall for that.

[redswim30]

2 minutes ago, Strule said:

I saw her WhatsApp conversation with him, she called him a week ago, but he didnt answer. When I asked her why she called him, she told me that she had "I felt like it" for that and asked me why I bring that topic up.

Oh wow, OP!  PLEASE break up with her.  She's 100% emotionally cheating on you, then gaslighting you about it, then telling you that you should "get over it".  

She wants to cheat on you, but still have you there as a backup. 

This woman does not love you, care about you, or respect you in any way. 

She's clearly got strong feelings for this other man, that she has no intention of letting go of.  And when she decides to do more emotional cheating, she intends to gaslight you about and act like you should just be okay with it. 

Your choices are to either BE okay with it (and please don't fool yourself, it's not going to stop) or break up and find someone who respects you enough to not cheat under your nose, then try and gaslight you and make YOU feel badly about wanting your own GF to not date another man right in front of you.  

Please do yourself a favor and walk away from this toxic situation.   IMVHO,  I'd say " Good news.  Contact him as much as you want- I'm out!"

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Strule said:

she assures me that nothing happened, but she says her feelings are a little messed up.

You should be concerned. 

1 hour ago, Strule said:

 they just connected on some special level at first sight.

Good lord, man. This is not good. 

1 hour ago, Strule said:

she called him a week ago, but he didnt answer.

And this even worse. 

I am sorry, OP.  Your girlfriend is on her way out of this relationship. I would let her go, since her behaviour is showing you pretty clearly where her priorities are. (ie. not with you) 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Strule said:

We’ve talked about it several times, and she assures me that nothing happened, but she says her feelings are a little messed up.

First off she's not gonna admit to cheating. Her response that "nothing happened" is quite common among  cheaters. 

Secondly, in what way are her feelings "messed up"? 

Does she mean about him?  I would assume that's what she meant but did you ask her?

Something sounds terribly off imo and I don't blame you one bit for being concerned.

I agree with @MissCanuckshe's on her way out and if me I would end it first. 

Trust your gut and what's pretty much staring you right in the face.  Stay aware. 

I'm sorry. 

[Strule]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

In what way are her feelings "messed up"? 

Does she mean about him?  I would assume that's what she meant but did you ask her?

Something sounds terribly off imo and I don't blame you one bit for being concerned.

In way that she was in love with me, but she is not sure what happened there. More so because her colleague teased her about him and told her that he smiles at her everytime he see her and that he could be good son-in-law in our hometown. ( This last part of sentence has a more sense in my language 😁).

[SophiaG]

21 minutes ago, Strule said:

In way that she was in love with me, but she is not sure what happened there. More so because her colleague teased her about him and told her that he smiles at her everytime he see her and that he could be good son-in-law in our hometown. ( This last part of sentence has a more sense in my language 😁).

Does this colleague know of your relationship? If so that sounds awfully disrespectful.

If she's in love with you why would it matter if some other fanboy smiles at her?

[Strule]

2 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Does this colleague know of your relationship? If so that sounds awfully disrespectful.

If she's in love with you why would it matter if some other fanboy smiles at her?

Yes, her colleague know about us.

That's what bother me the most.

Even though our relationship may have stagnated recently, I don't think that should be a reason to 'let' someone else into your heart. Especially not after 'something' has been wrong in the relationship for just a month. If you truly want to maintain the relationship, nothing can shake it. Am I right?

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, Strule said:

Even though our relationship ma have stagnated recently, I don't think that should be a reason to 'let' someone else into your heart.

I don't think we can control who enters our hearts, romantic attraction and feelings cannot be controlled like that imo.

However what can be controlled and should have been controlled were her actions.  How she responded to her attraction.

Allowing him into her hotel room, messaging him, calling him etc. 

I don't believe a person in a committed monogamous relationship should be doing such things and especially since she claims to be in love with you. 

And now she claims her feelings are messed up? 

This would be a dealbreaker for me personally @Strule.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Strule said:

When I try talk to her, she always says that I made up that "cheating" situations in my mind because I dont trust her.

People break up without actual cheating -are you making up that she chose to get drunk on a work trip and go to his room? That she is attracted to  him and might have feelings? You didn't make that up-she told you.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Strule said:

Yes, her colleague know about us.

That's what bother me the most.

Even though our relationship may have stagnated recently, I don't think that should be a reason to 'let' someone else into your heart. Especially not after 'something' has been wrong in the relationship for just a month. If you truly want to maintain the relationship, nothing can shake it. Am I right?

If two people want to be together in a committed relationship they choose to make that a top priority.  It has to be mutual.  Your situation is not mutual.

[yogacat]

So she is physically attracted to someone else other than you and knows it. She drinks together with this guy and allows him into her hotel room.

But she says nothing actually happened. Can you or any of us members possibly believe this, and guess what, there’s more to come in the long term, but that’s up to you.

And her feelings are a little messed up tells me that she does have feelings for this guy who she is attracted to.

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. It's really difficult when we feel like something is amiss with our partner and we are hoping that they are not cheating on us. A lot of it us have been through it by now and we understand.

The hard part is the anxieties that come with it. While the two of you are trying to navigate you're going through so many layers of emotion. On the one hand, you don't want to hurt your partner's feelings, on the other, you don't want to be made a fool of. You want to believe them because you don't want to leave the relationship.

What concerns me about the situation is that she has told you that she finds this man handsome and then she drinks with this man she's travelling with and then brings him to her hotel room. It could very well be that there was nothing inappropriate happened but take those statements in a vacuum and she might as well have said there aren't any acceptable way to say it is.

You don't really want to share your life with someone if they're going to do this to you. You also don't want to jeopardize the good parts: the caring, the intimacy, the trust.  I know you're probably torn up over this and really conflicted. I'm glad that you're trying to talk it through and find your way. I want you to know that I don't think that you're wrong for feeling the way you do.

[Andrina]

The fact she told you all she did means she has zero fear of losing you. On another level, it seems she might even enjoy being a sadist, taunting you with all those details of what she thinks about him.

Don't allow yourself to be the prey of a bully who could care less about your feelings, nor is she ethical enough to keep within the normal boundaries of an exclusive relationship. I'm sure you wouldn't have committed the same behavior with a female colleague on a business trip. If you had healthy self-love, you would've already walked away. I'm sorry you've been treated like this.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Strule said:

she was in love with me

But she isn't anymore. That much is clear. 

A woman who is in love doesn't behave this way. A woman who has basic respect for her partner, even if she's not in love with them anymore, doesn't behave this way. 

Please keep this in mind. She is done with the relationship and already trying to line up your replacement. 

[smackie9]

She would have been my ex GF after that bs. You are not insecure in your relationship, you are insecure to make the decision to end the relationship.

[Coily]

She threw 3 red flags

1. Getting drunk with the guy and inviting him in
2. Keeping in touch with him, "because she wanted to"
3. Acting like you are the problem.

I'd have her kicked to the curb so fast she'd think she's in an F1 race.

[catfeeder]

22 hours ago, Strule said:

My girlfriend went on a business trip, and over the weekend, she went out for drinks with a guy who works at the company she visited. She told me she finds him handsome. They got drunk, and later, he returned to her hotel room, and she let him in. She says she didn’t cheat on me and that they just talked. 

How did this conversation come about, did she come straight home and tell you all about this, or were you questioning her?

[TeeDee]

22 hours ago, Strule said:

When I try talk to her, she always says that I made up that "cheating" situations in my mind because I dont trust her.

I don't think she has cheated . . .yet but I do see her having a wandering eye & I think you have good reason to be concerned.  She is not behaving in trustworthy manner.   

Having drinks with another guy . . . maybe if they talked about business. 

Letting him into her hotel room . . .that is just asking for trouble 

Her still being in contact with him spells doom for you.