Younger Housemate

[tattoobunnie]

Goodness no; keep it in your pants.  If you wanted to date you, she wouldn't be dating someone else.

[catfeeder]

9 minutes ago, jimdandy said:

The situation isn't untenable at present. I've been here years and she tends to travel a lot, moving from country to country so it's never felt like she'd be here long term, her name's not on the lease either.

Okay, but this doesn't address your goal. If you want to create a possibility of dating her, you can safely pursue that if you become a neighbor instead of a roommate.

[jimdandy]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Okay, but this doesn't address your goal. If you want to create a possibility of dating her, you can safely pursue that if you become a neighbor instead of a roommate.

Yes. It just seems extreme to move out and then ask when the answer will probably be a resounding no anyway. I'll just have to wait until she moves out. Or get her drunk some evening (joke 🤪).

[ShySoul]

11 hours ago, jimdandy said:

It's actually very hard living with someone that you're attracted to and it's only really become a personal issue since she started seeing someone. She says they're just hanging out and that he wouldn't be her 'boyfriend' yet as such.

It is hard. It is difficult even if you are friends and not living together. Having to be around that person day in and out, knowing you can't pursue what you so badly want. Seeing them be happy and excited about someone else. It can be very painful and difficult to process.

Try looking at it like this. You care about her, right? You want her to be happy? Part of having feelings for someone is putting their needs first and wanting what is best for them. If something or someone else is going to make her happy, then she deserves to have that. You need to be happy for her. Likewise, I am sure she wants you to be happy and would not want you feeling so down about things. 

Having feelings when you can't be with a person is a curse no one should have to deal with. But if the dice roll that way, you have to make the most of it. You have to find a way to preserve the good interactions between you and hold onto them while not getting caught up in what might have been.

Hope you can find a way to be okay with everything.

[Tinydance]

I think if she was attracted to you too, you'd know. She'd be texting you a lot, trying to spend a lot of time with you, not talking to you about other guys. If she basically just chats to you friendly when you're around, well that just sounds like a normal housemate thing. I'm not ruling out that she could like an older guy. But I think these dates guys see young women as this "pretty young thing". But women in their early 20's think of a nearly 40-year-old guy as old lol And really we're from a very different generation because we didn't grow up with technology and social media. I also recently realised that I'm really not up to date with Gen Z slang lol My friend who's 26 basically told me saying stuff I say isn't cool anymore and "Keep saying it if you want to sound like a loser". She was joking. Well, half joking anyway 🤣

[Morello]

The age difference itself is not a problem, but it's a fact that most (if not all) older guys who come here with similar stories of having a crush on a younger female (who is always obvlivious of this fact) give very creepy vibes. And this is no different.

I find very creepy that this young woman is living with a man who she thinks is a gentleman (and who is in a relationship btw), but secretly is romantically attracted to her, to the point he thought it was a good idea to just spill the beans and let her deal with the outcome if she wanted to (i.e., leaving the place).

OP found easy for her to have to live to find another place because of the very likely unrequited attraction he has for her, but he wouldn't do the same, would he. I wonder why. The little joke about getting her drunk was just the cherry on the cake. Creep.

 

 

[SophiaG]

10 hours ago, jimdandy said:

Yes. It just seems extreme to move out and then ask when the answer will probably be a resounding no anyway. I'll just have to wait until she moves out. Or get her drunk some evening (joke 🤪).

And yet it's not extreme to make a subtle move on her and see if she'd move out? Also the getting her drunk joke is not funny. It's creepy. I would feel so uncomfortable if I were her and somehow found out the much older housemate is harboring these thoughts and "just waiting until I move out."

[ShySoul]

12 hours ago, jimdandy said:

Yes. It just seems extreme to move out and then ask when the answer will probably be a resounding no anyway. I'll just have to wait until she moves out. Or get her drunk some evening (joke 🤪).

I'm going to assume that was humor born out of your confused and hurt emotional state and you obviously would never consider it. Laugh as a way to make light of or cover your feelings up so you don't feel as bad or frustrated.

You arent a creep. You are a male attracted to a female you happen to live with and happens to be younger. In your spot, plenty of guys would feel the same. 

When you have feelings you imagine all kinds of scenarios. You face the harsh reality but also indulge in the fantasy. That is fine. As long as it stays in the imagination.

Treat her with respect and dignity. Let her live her life. Don't cross any boundaries that would make either of you uncomfortable.

And focus on the other woman who is a much more likely possibility. I hope you can find someone who will make you happy.

[Tinydance]

How strong are your feelings for her would you say? Like, are you really falling for her? Or do you just think she's hot? Lol What would you like to happen if she liked you too? Do you want to be in a serious relationship with her? What are your hopes for the future? Like, to have kids, marry, etc.? Or nothing like that? 

The reason why I'm asking is because at 38, if you do want to settle down, this girl probably isn't there yet. If you don't want something too serious, that's OK. If you tell her how you feel and it's not mutual, can you continue to live together? I mean, this is her house. She's allowed to bring guys over and things like that. Could you be OK with it and just get past it? Do you have somewhere to go if you had to move out?

[MissCanuck]

I don't think she is romantically interested in you. 

She seems to have her eye set on this other guy who's in her orbit right now. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

How strong are your feelings for her would you say? Like, are you really falling for her? Or do you just think she's hot? Lol What would you like to happen if she liked you too? Do you want to be in a serious relationship with her? What are your hopes for the future? Like, to have kids, marry, etc.? Or nothing like that? 

The reason why I'm asking is because at 38, if you do want to settle down, this girl probably isn't there yet. If you don't want something too serious, that's OK. If you tell her how you feel and it's not mutual, can you continue to live together? I mean, this is her house. She's allowed to bring guys over and things like that. Could you be OK with it and just get past it? Do you have somewhere to go if you had to move out?

Good point.  More and more I get the impression that your focus is you find her a young hottie and a challenge and potential arm candy.  Not on her as a person you want to get to know and potentially care about.

[jimdandy]

On 10/23/2024 at 9:42 PM, ShySoul said:

It is hard. It is difficult even if you are friends and not living together. Having to be around that person day in and out, knowing you can't pursue what you so badly want. Seeing them be happy and excited about someone else. It can be very painful and difficult to process.

Try looking at it like this. You care about her, right? You want her to be happy? Part of having feelings for someone is putting their needs first and wanting what is best for them. If something or someone else is going to make her happy, then she deserves to have that. You need to be happy for her. Likewise, I am sure she wants you to be happy and would not want you feeling so down about things. 

Having feelings when you can't be with a person is a curse no one should have to deal with. But if the dice roll that way, you have to make the most of it. You have to find a way to preserve the good interactions between you and hold onto them while not getting caught up in what might have been.

Hope you can find a way to be okay with everything.

Yes, I do actually care about her and we spend hours some evenings chatting about everything and anything. While she is very attractive physically, I'm more attracted to her personality which I think is really great.

Thanks for your kind words and whatever happens, I'll keep on moving and stay positive.

[jimdandy]

23 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think if she was attracted to you too, you'd know. She'd be texting you a lot, trying to spend a lot of time with you, not talking to you about other guys. If she basically just chats to you friendly when you're around, well that just sounds like a normal housemate thing. I'm not ruling out that she could like an older guy. But I think these dates guys see young women as this "pretty young thing". But women in their early 20's think of a nearly 40-year-old guy as old lol And really we're from a very different generation because we didn't grow up with technology and social media. I also recently realised that I'm really not up to date with Gen Z slang lol My friend who's 26 basically told me saying stuff I say isn't cool anymore and "Keep saying it if you want to sound like a loser". She was joking. Well, half joking anyway 🤣

I know exactly where you're coming from though to be honest, the age gap doesn't seem really apparent, to myself anyway, when we're hanging out. She has an old head on young shoulders and is very easy to converse with, unlike a lot of young people I might come across.

[jimdandy]

19 hours ago, Morello said:

The age difference itself is not a problem, but it's a fact that most (if not all) older guys who come here with similar stories of having a crush on a younger female (who is always obvlivious of this fact) give very creepy vibes. And this is no different.

I find very creepy that this young woman is living with a man who she thinks is a gentleman (and who is in a relationship btw), but secretly is romantically attracted to her, to the point he thought it was a good idea to just spill the beans and let her deal with the outcome if she wanted to (i.e., leaving the place).

OP found easy for her to have to live to find another place because of the very likely unrequited attraction he has for her, but he wouldn't do the same, would he. I wonder why. The little joke about getting her drunk was just the cherry on the cake. Creep.

 

 

I think this is a little harsh and the joke may have been slightly made in bad taste but was completely meant as a joke.

[jimdandy]

18 hours ago, SophiaG said:

And yet it's not extreme to make a subtle move on her and see if she'd move out? Also the getting her drunk joke is not funny. It's creepy. I would feel so uncomfortable if I were her and somehow found out the much older housemate is harboring these thoughts and "just waiting until I move out."

I never wanted to see whether she'd move out - that's the opposite of what I want. It might just be the upshot of an untenable living situation were something like that to happen.

[Batya33]

Just now, jimdandy said:

I never wanted to see whether she'd move out - that's the opposite of what I want. It might just be the upshot of an untenable living situation were something like that to happen.

But you think it would be no big deal for her and that's an odd assumption for someone you say you care about.

[jimdandy]

17 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I'm going to assume that was humor born out of your confused and hurt emotional state and you obviously would never consider it. Laugh as a way to make light of or cover your feelings up so you don't feel as bad or frustrated.

You arent a creep. You are a male attracted to a female you happen to live with and happens to be younger. In your spot, plenty of guys would feel the same. 

When you have feelings you imagine all kinds of scenarios. You face the harsh reality but also indulge in the fantasy. That is fine. As long as it stays in the imagination.

Treat her with respect and dignity. Let her live her life. Don't cross any boundaries that would make either of you uncomfortable.

And focus on the other woman who is a much more likely possibility. I hope you can find someone who will make you happy.

Thanks for a reasoned post and I would like to think that I'm not in the creep category! You're correct - I do like her and the best way to show this is to treat her with dignity and respect and que sera, sera.

[jimdandy]

17 hours ago, Tinydance said:

How strong are your feelings for her would you say? Like, are you really falling for her? Or do you just think she's hot? Lol What would you like to happen if she liked you too? Do you want to be in a serious relationship with her? What are your hopes for the future? Like, to have kids, marry, etc.? Or nothing like that? 

The reason why I'm asking is because at 38, if you do want to settle down, this girl probably isn't there yet. If you don't want something too serious, that's OK. If you tell her how you feel and it's not mutual, can you continue to live together? I mean, this is her house. She's allowed to bring guys over and things like that. Could you be OK with it and just get past it? Do you have somewhere to go if you had to move out?

I really like her, both physically and personality wise. If she liked me, that would be great though while we're obviously at different stages of our lives, I'm in no real rush on the family front. It would be great to experience it happen but I certainly won't push anything.

Yeah, I suppose it would make me envious to see her bringing guys back and as her housemate, I'd have to suck it up! If it became too much, I could always move out, worse things happen at sea.

[jimdandy]

17 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think she is romantically interested in you. 

She seems to have her eye set on this other guy who's in her orbit right now. 

It's hard to know. She makes a beeline for the living room when she knows I'm there and spends hours telling me about her life as well as lots of texts etc. There's never been anything suggestible though and I wouldn't have thought she'd be looking at making a move before me even if she had thought about it.

[jimdandy]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Good point.  More and more I get the impression that your focus is you find her a young hottie and a challenge and potential arm candy.  Not on her as a person you want to get to know and potentially care about.

No, it's not a trophy girlfriend thing or merely down to looks - there's a lot more to it than that.

[jimdandy]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But you think it would be no big deal for her and that's an odd assumption for someone you say you care about.

She's constantly moving, has done most of her life and even intimated that she was thinking about it fairly recently. It's not so much an assumption as an evidence based opinion - having said that, I'd preferred she stayed and don't wish to put her in a position where she felt she needed to move out because of me.

[SophiaG]

55 minutes ago, jimdandy said:

I never wanted to see whether she'd move out - that's the opposite of what I want. It might just be the upshot of an untenable living situation were something like that to happen.

But you yourself said her answer is probably no if you were to move out yourself first.

And yet you are okay with the likely consequence of her rejecting you while living in the same house - can you even imagine how uncomfortable that will make her feel?

Regardless have you broken things off with the other girl yet?

1 hour ago, jimdandy said:

I know exactly where you're coming from though to be honest, the age gap doesn't seem really apparent, to myself anyway, when we're hanging out. She has an old head on young shoulders and is very easy to converse with, unlike a lot of young people I might come across.

Of course you'd feel that - you've experienced your 20s and it probably still felt like yesterday. She hasn't experienced or maybe even imagined her 30s. When I was 20 even a 25 yo guy would seem "old" to me.

[ShySoul]

On 10/24/2024 at 3:41 PM, jimdandy said:

I know exactly where you're coming from though to be honest, the age gap doesn't seem really apparent, to myself anyway, when we're hanging out. She has an old head on young shoulders and is very easy to converse with, unlike a lot of young people I might come across.

I was that old head on young shoulders. I found it easier to talk with people much older then me then people my own age. I was called by more then one lady an "old soul." And I had running jokes about being 53 rather then 23. At the same time I knew a 13 year old who was wiser and more mature then most people I knew in their 20s or 30s. Age really doesn't mean much in the scheme of things. If people get along and relate to each other, that's far more important.

Some people will be fine with an age gap. Some people will have issues with it. All depends on the individuals involved.

You have a good understanding on your feelings and the situation. There's nothing bad happening here, it's just an unfortunate circumstance that leaves you stuck with feelings you can't act on.. Enjoy the friendship for what it is and try to not let those feelings get in the way. You can do it.

[jimdandy]

She didn't didn't come home last night. Nothing unusual given she has a boyfriend but I always bump into her on a Saturday morning. I guess things have changed and I must accept this. But, damn, it kinda hurts right now...💔

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, jimdandy said:

She didn't didn't come home last night. Nothing unusual given she has a boyfriend but I always bump into her on a Saturday morning. I guess things have changed and I must accept this. But, damn, it kinda hurts right now...💔

I'm sorry.  At least it wasn't a shock -you knew she was seeing someone. Take care.