Younger Housemate

[jimdandy]

Hey guys,

So just looking for some advice on my current situation.

I'm 38 and have been living with a 22 year old housemate for the past year and a half. I've never really thought about her in any way other than a really fun housemate until lately - I've become strongly attracted to her. I'm aware the gap is too big and nothing has happened. We do spend quite a lot of time in each other's company, watching TV, listening to music etc. I've always found her personality to be great and I do love when I hear her arriving back from work to have a nice catch up with her.

I kinda have an on/off relationship with a girl my age in the background too, and she's aware of my living situation and has asked me to be careful with my housemate on a few occasions to which I just brushed it off and told her not to worry.

There's never been any kind of flirtation or anything like that between my housemate and I. She is a yoga instructor though and lately she's been showing me some videos of her during her workouts and some of these videos could be interpreted as being somewhat intimate and they really do showcase her body. All fine, I thought. She car-pools with me in the morning when I drive and I drop her off to work. This last few weeks, she's been talking a lot about a guy she's been seeing and some of the things they get up to - it's actually not really nice to listen to and I'm beginning to feel somewhat jealous that some other guy has her and I guess I shouldn't be feeling like this. These past few months, I've found myself constantly thinking about her which I guess isn't healthy.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. Should I make a move on her, subtly? Tell her that I'm into her? It'll probably freak her out and she'll end up moving out but maybe that would be for the best anyway?

Any advice appreciated!

JD

[SophiaG]

Housemates are off limits IMO. Not to mention both of you are involved with other people and she probably sees you as a father figure due to the age gap. Are you her landlord or are you both tenants? I would suggest you either divert your sexual energy somewhere else or end the housemate situation ASAP.

[jimdandy]

We are both tenants. I can have her move out alright if it comes to that but would prefer to have her stay.

[catfeeder]

On 10/22/2024 at 9:09 AM, jimdandy said:

Should I make a move on her, subtly? Tell her that I'm into her? It'll probably freak her out and she'll end up moving out but maybe that would be for the best anyway?

No. This is where she lives. You don't have the right to make your problem hers.

On 10/22/2024 at 9:41 AM, jimdandy said:

We are both tenants. I can have her move out alright if it comes to that but would prefer to have her stay.

Sounds like you don't really like her or care about her enough to even consider her well being.

[jimdandy]

7 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

No. This is where she lives. You don't have the right to make your problem hers.

Sounds like you don't really like her or care about her enough to even consider her well being. If you'd be willing to usurp her security and her whole life on a whim just to test whether you can get your rocks off, that makes you a turd.

Ah no, I might have come across wrong there. She'd have lots of options to move elsewhere from where we live so it wouldn't really be a big deal for her to relocate. And I'm more interested in a relationship with her than getting my rocks off - I do care about this girl a lot.

In terms of subtly stating my attraction - that would be a big no? I was merely thinking of testing the water, nothing more.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, jimdandy said:

Ah no, I might have come across wrong there. She'd have lots of options to move elsewhere from where we live so it wouldn't really be a big deal for her to relocate. And I'm more interested in a relationship with her than getting my rocks off - I do care about this girl a lot.

In terms of subtly stating my attraction - that would be a big no? I was merely thinking of testing the water, nothing more.

Once you end your relationship -since your partner assumes you are exclusive -she asked you to be careful around your housemate right? Then if you are prepared to relocate you can ask her out on a date.  I wouldn't test the waters. I wouldn't ask her out if she has a partner.  

I agree with Catfeeder.

[catfeeder]

30 minutes ago, jimdandy said:

She'd have lots of options to move elsewhere from where we live so it wouldn't really be a big deal for her to relocate.

Why 'should' she be positioned with any discomfort and need to move?

Why would you presume that that's not a big deal--for anyone?

If moving is 'no big deal' to you, why don't you move out, finish your old business with the one who believes that you are loyal to her, and then pursue asking this woman for a date properly, in a way that doesn't creep her out and usurp her life?

[jimdandy]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Why 'should' she be positioned with any discomfort and need to move?

Why would you presume that that's not a big deal--for anyone?

If moving is 'no big deal' to you, why don't you move out, finish your old business with the one who believes that you are loyal to her, and then pursue asking this woman for a date properly, in a way that doesn't creep her out and usurp her life?

Wouldn't it be strange to move out and then ask her for a date?

That's why I thought subtly testing the water would let me know exactly where I stood.

[catfeeder]

7 minutes ago, jimdandy said:

Wouldn't it be strange to move out and then ask her for a date?

No. If where you live is 'no big deal' to you, but your relationship with her, in any form, includes caring about her best interests, then you'll avoid making her uncomfortable in the one place she has every right to feel comfortable with an assumption of privacy--her home.

You can raise your desire to move after you've found a place. You can refer to it as a good deal that became available. You can maintain your friendship, continue the carpool if she's agreeable to that, and then you're positioned to raise your intentions without harm or foul. She can either accept or shoot you down without consequences or awkwardness or fear or retaliation.

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That's why I thought subtly testing the water would let me know exactly where I stood.

No, her home is her place to relax--it's not your testing ground. She's entitled to feel safe where she lives without concern for anyone else's emotional or sexual agenda.

[jimdandy]

Is it creepy to be attracted to someone that age and with that gap? And would she have made it obvious that she harboured feelings for me by now, having lived together for over a year?

[catfeeder]

4 minutes ago, jimdandy said:

Is it creepy to be attracted to someone that age and with that gap?

No, we each have our own unique capacity to be attracted to anyone we find attractive. 

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And would she have made it obvious that she harboured feelings for me by now, having lived together for over a year?

Probably, but we can't speak for her. It's not worth a risk to her trust of safety with you in your shared home to find out. Removing yourself from the home would enable you to meet with her outside of HER home to explore that. But imposing any changes to her level of security with you is not an advantage, it's a breach of trust.

[Tinydance]

Well, I understand on your end how you can be attracted to a young woman in her early 20's. Presumably with a rocking yoga instructor body lol Men have usually found younger women attractive. "Back in the day" it was actually considered normal for a young woman to be with a much older, well established man. 

I'm 39 and when I was 22, I'm pretty sure I thought that someone who's this age is really old. Like, parent age old lol My Mum had me at 23 so at that age I always associated someone with that much age gap to be old enough to be my mother or father. So likely she does think of you as an old guy. Sorry, I'm just being honest lol

Another thing is that for a young woman to live alone with a guy, she needs to feel comfortable. She probably does see you as a father/older brother kind of figure. She's also already seeing someone so I think by hitting on her, you'd be showing yourself as not of the best integrity. Unless she told you she only sees that other guy as hookup or FWB and nothing serious.

When does your lease end? You could tell her how you feel but if she doesn't feel the same then I think it should be you who should move out. I mean, she's done nothing wrong. She's acting friendly and respectful. It's not her fault you got feelings for her so why should she leave?

[ShySoul]

I was 23 and attracted to a roommate who was 36. While the genders are reversed, the feelings are the same. You can't help who you have feelings for, and being in close quarters and spending a lot of time together can build those feelings. If you are not doing anything pervy or pressuring her, then its not creepy. Its simply a natural reaction. And depending on the people involved, such an age gap or living situation might not matter. If both parties want it, then it can work out.

However, you are not in the position to act upon these feelings right now. You both have someone else, which should discourage anything from your mind. She has also not given any signs of returning your feelings. Saying anything would be a risk to four people, with little odds of anyone benefiting.

Try to see it as a crush, something nice to think about but off limits. Focus on your relationship and what you want from that. Should you both end up available and she make some kind of move indicating she might feel for you, then see what happens. But for now, its best to keep things as is.

 

[Jaunty]

10 hours ago, jimdandy said:

Is it creepy to be attracted to someone that age and with that gap?

No.  You're attracted to who you're attracted to.  It is extremely creepy, though, to think it's "no big deal" for somebody to have to move.

[jimdandy]

It's actually very hard living with someone that you're attracted to and it's only really become a personal issue since she started seeing someone. She says they're just hanging out and that he wouldn't be her 'boyfriend' yet as such.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, jimdandy said:

It's actually very hard living with someone that you're attracted to and it's only really become a personal issue since she started seeing someone. She says they're just hanging out and that he wouldn't be her 'boyfriend' yet as such.

Lots of things are hard especially in living situations.  But you want to put her through the extremely hard situation of having to move so you can confess, right?

[jimdandy]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Lots of things are hard especially in living situations.  But you want to put her through the extremely hard situation of having to move so you can confess, right?

No, I definitely don't. She's mooted moving before though as it would be easier for her living beside her office etc.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, jimdandy said:

No, I definitely don't. She's mooted moving before though as it would be easier for her living beside her office etc.

You don't get to decide what is easier for her as you are biased -you are thinking of  you and how hard it is to be attracted to her and wanting to act on your urge to tell her.  You have no idea if she wants her office to stay at that location or what her life is like. However it's possible that very soon her new guy will know all of that about her because she is spending time with him and they're getting to know each other.  I get that attraction can be consuming but you're an adult and you know that it doesn't mean you put other people at great inconvenience or worse just so you can act on your perceptions of her interest in you and your desires.

[SophiaG]

4 hours ago, jimdandy said:

It's actually very hard living with someone that you're attracted to and it's only really become a personal issue since she started seeing someone. She says they're just hanging out and that he wouldn't be her 'boyfriend' yet as such.

Which is why people here suggested you should move out if you find it too hard to move on.

[Coily]

Definitely not creepy to be attracted to her or the reverse.

I think you are a bit jealous because of this new guy in her life, and that has painted her in a new light to you. Not uncommon, house mate or no, to see someone who you are close to get in a relationship and having a desire for them yourself. It's a kind of mourning.

As to your question on mentioning your attraction to her, that's dicey. I'd start with asking her not to overshare about her dating life (and make sure you don't either), set that boundary. She may see you as an older brother or "one of the girls" and wants to gossip about it.  To her you are "safe."

I'd wait until the lease is coming up before saying anything further.

[jimdandy]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

Definitely not creepy to be attracted to her or the reverse.

I think you are a bit jealous because of this new guy in her life, and that has painted her in a new light to you. Not uncommon, house mate or no, to see someone who you are close to get in a relationship and having a desire for them yourself. It's a kind of mourning.

As to your question on mentioning your attraction to her, that's dicey. I'd start with asking her not to overshare about her dating life (and make sure you don't either), set that boundary. She may see you as an older brother or "one of the girls" and wants to gossip about it.  To her you are "safe."

I'd wait until the lease is coming up before saying anything further.

Thanks. We have a rolling lease so there's no end date as such! I've spoken extensively about my dating life to her previously and vice versa so I wouldn't be in a position to ask her not to overshare...

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

...it doesn't mean you put other people at great inconvenience or worse just so you can act on your perceptions of her interest in you and your desires.

Exactly. This is what I found upsetting, OP--you sounded cavalier about the possibility of making her so uncomfortable she'd need to move. That IS a big deal.

[jimdandy]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Exactly. This is what I found upsetting, OP--you sounded cavalier about the possibility of making her so uncomfortable she'd need to move. That IS a big deal.

Yes, I did come across as crass. I don't want to make her uncomfortable or ask her to leave - I guess I'll have to keep my powder dry until she moves out, whenever that is!

[catfeeder]

Just now, jimdandy said:

Yes, I did come across as crass. I don't want to make her uncomfortable or ask her to leave - I guess I'll have to keep my powder dry until she moves out, whenever that is!

Thank you for recognizing this. What happened to your own willingness to move out? If you're on a rolling lease, and moving is no big deal to you, then what's your barrier to doing so?

[jimdandy]

Just now, catfeeder said:

Thank you for recognizing this. What happened to your own willingness to move out? If you're on a rolling lease, and moving is no big deal to you, then what's your barrier to doing so?

The situation isn't untenable at present. I've been here years and she tends to travel a lot, moving from country to country so it's never felt like she'd be here long term, her name's not on the lease either.