At what point should I just give up on dating for a guy in his twenties?

[ATM]

Although I know this is an arbitrary question.. I mean at what point do you really just say, enough is enough? I had a tough breakup about a year and half ago.. Since then, I'd say I've met three really special gals. First one told me she thought I was perfect, but she had been on like 15 or 16 dates within the year and realized she was just emotionally closed off and unavailable.. The second girl told me she had written a list of everything she wanted in a guy and that I checked every single box.. She just ghosted and never gave an explanation a few weeks after this. She still watches my stories and follows me on socials. Then just yesterday, a girl I was seeing gave me the classic "It's not you, it's me." She explained that she's younger than me and isn't really wanting to be serious, but to just enjoy her youth and freedom and just doesn't want anything.. So nothing I did wrong in particular at all. I have a lot of respect for her talking to me and not just vanishing. I wished her well and thanked her for the time we spent together. But then today.. I just feel now like there's no point any more for me. I'm tired of the "you're a perfect guy" comments and then it just ends, when I think maybe I've found something long term.. So the question on the floor is, am I smart to just quit for maybe a month or more and just focus more on myself and my own interests? FWIW, I'm 27.. I have an MBA and I'm established in a career and I'm finishing my pilot's license with plans to pivot from finance to becoming a forestry pilot and eventually a corporate pilot.. So, I'm not a bum and it's not like relationships are my entire life.. I'm in shape and hit the gym daily, so I do feel like a decent relationship is the missing piece to my life. 

[smackie9]

You are not the only one in this predicament. Dating hasn't changed since when I was single decades ago...it sucked, the people sucked, there was so much disappointment, etc. I think taking a break to refresh/reset is a good idea. Before I met my husband I took over a year off from dating/looking for anyone. I had enough too. I always say you don't find love, it finds you. When I met my husband it was unexpected. So hang in there. It only take the one right?

[ATM]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You are not the only one in this predicament. Dating hasn't changed since when I was single decades ago...it sucked, the people sucked, there was so much disappointment, etc. I think taking a break to refresh/reset is a good idea. Before I met my husband I took over a year off from dating/looking for anyone. I had enough too. I always say you don't find love, it finds you. When I met my husband it was unexpected. So hang in there. It only take the one right?

I'm glad you found him. This gives me a lot of hope. I think I'm just tired of the let-downs.. Like getting into a situation and thinking.. This is it! I've met the one.. Then six months later, back to first base

[bluecastle]

15 minutes ago, ATM said:

So the question on the floor is, am I smart to just quit for maybe a month or more and just focus more on myself and my own interests?

Given that you sound a bit burnt out on dating, I'd say pressing pause for a bit is worth trying. Can only speak for myself, but there's something very freeing about actively not pursuing romance for a bit. Kind of nudges you to have a different perspective on it all, where it's not viewed so starkly—wins vs. losses, home runs vs back to first base etc.—and then you can reenter it with a different, more expansive attitude where it's more about the adventure of possibility (including things fizzling) then it being about checking a permanent box.

If that makes sense...

 

[yogacat]

Ugh, that's hard when you keep getting told you're the perfect guy and then things end. It's like, what are you supposed to do differently, right? But honestly, it sounds like you have a lot going for you and you are in a good place in your life. Maybe these women took advantage a little to figure what they like in men or what they like about relationships and I would let them go with the "it's not you, it's me" line...

Sometimes when we focus on ourselves and our own happiness, we attract others who are on a similar wavelength.

It's hard nowadays to make things go the distance because dating has become so casual and it's easy to just move on to the next shiny thing. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, ATM said:

I'm glad you found him. This gives me a lot of hope. I think I'm just tired of the let-downs.. Like getting into a situation and thinking.. This is it! I've met the one.. Then six months later, back to first base

I dated on and off for 24 years when I wasn't in serious relationships.  I reconnected with my future husband when I turned 39 and he was 38.  It looked like a "least expected" story but in reality it was because I was so proactive in my dating life and became the right person to find the right person.  At around age 37 I really thought I would give up as I just didn't think I'd meet the right person to marry. I did feel that way for a few months.

The sole reason I didn't give up was because my goals were marriage and the opportunity to try to have a biological child -had it not been that important to me, that top priority I would have stopped dating -it was a lot of time, energy, work, stress and for much of that time I was in a highly competitive grad school program than a highly intense stressful more than full time career- in my 11th year of that career when I met my future husband.

I suggest not giving up. It ended up being so so worth it despite no guarantees.  What you describe is typical of dating IMO.

[tattoobunnie]

How are you on the dates? Do you take them out?  Do you plan them?  Are you introducing them to friends after a few months?  Do you bring up your exes or about other people you're dating?  Are you doing 50/50 or paying for the checks when you go out?  Do you ask them about their background, hopes and dreams, short and long term goals?  Are you polite to other people or service people?  When are you introducing sex?  Do you kiss them right away or take a few weeks?  Do you lead with money or no money?

If it's just a bunch of 1st dates only, then it's just a numbers game.  But when people take the time to give these reasons, the 1st, it's not you, it's me, the ghosting of the 2nd, and the I just wanna have fun reason, I feel there is something you are giving off that makes them essentially, "run."  This does mean you are a bad guy or something is wrong with you - it could be something you do not realize you are doing which is turning women off. 

I am going to assume it maybe it has to do with your baggage over the last breakup.  The commonality though of their behaviors is that they were also scorned and working through a bad break-up as well.

1) Closed off, not ready

2) You're perfect, as in my ex was not, so I'm not ready for something good, cuz I haven't moved on

3) I just got out of something serious, and wanna have fun, only

The other commonality is that it's you choosing these women.  So it comes back to you - you need to work through your last crappy breakup.

[ATM]

35 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

How are you on the dates? Do you take them out?  Do you plan them?  Are you introducing them to friends after a few months?  Do you bring up your exes or about other people you're dating?  Are you doing 50/50 or paying for the checks when you go out?  Do you ask them about their background, hopes and dreams, short and long term goals?  Are you polite to other people or service people?  When are you introducing sex?  Do you kiss them right away or take a few weeks?  Do you lead with money or no money?

If it's just a bunch of 1st dates only, then it's just a numbers game.  But when people take the time to give these reasons, the 1st, it's not you, it's me, the ghosting of the 2nd, and the I just wanna have fun reason, I feel there is something you are giving off that makes them essentially, "run."  This does mean you are a bad guy or something is wrong with you - it could be something you do not realize you are doing which is turning women off. 

I am going to assume it maybe it has to do with your baggage over the last breakup.  The commonality though of their behaviors is that they were also scorned and working through a bad break-up as well.

1) Closed off, not ready

2) You're perfect, as in my ex was not, so I'm not ready for something good, cuz I haven't moved on

3) I just got out of something serious, and wanna have fun, only

The other commonality is that it's you choosing these women.  So it comes back to you - you need to work through your last crappy breakup.

To answer a few of the first questions, no, I do not do 50/50. I never "Go Dutch." I'm old school in that way.. I plan the date, I pay, I let her do the talking and I make a point to refrain from talking about myself unless she asks. I ask her questions.. But not the intrusive type.. More like about interests, hobbies, pets, jobs, family, you get the idea. I am always very polite, because that's just who I am to everyone I encounter. Now, on to the negatives.. I'll admit, with girl no.1 I talked about my ex too much. I didn't even realize I was doing this until she told me that I talked about it a lot.. So I certainly see where that could be a massive turn-off. Granted, I was fresh out of that breakup back then.. But still shouldn't have been dating because I knew I wasn't 100% detached. So, there's that.. Okay, with girl no.2 (the ghoster) who said I checked every box.. We had this unreal connection off the bat.. It was weird. We could finish the other's sentence or talk on the phone all night without a minute of silence. However, she did bring up her ex infrequently and even made a point to tell me that he and I had the same first name (awkward right?) and she told me how he was the first person she loved and it took SO long to get over him.. The last time I saw her she and I ate dinner (I paid and drove), then we went back to her apartment for a movie and I was trying to be Mr. Nice I guess, so I didn't try to kiss her or make a sexual move and it wasn't very long after this she sort of faded me out.. So maybe she was not happy that we had connected so well but I didn't try to take it to a physical level? Just an idea I'd love your thoughts on. 

 

On to the girl yesterday, all the above holds true.. I paid, I planned, I held doors, etc.. But when she was ending it, I did say "Ok I won't get mad, because I want self-improvement, please tell me anything I did you didn't like or was a red flag." She reluctantly said to me, please don't take a girl on 5-6 dates and never kiss her.. It felt weird. So, I don't think I'm necessarily an awkward guy, but I do move slow.. None of these I've typed this about did I do anything sexual with nor meet friends. Thoughts?

[tattoobunnie]

Next time, do kiss on the hand or cheek if the 1st date goes well.  Make out at the 2nd or a two second kiss on the lips if the date goes well.  

It's okay to wait for sex, but if you wait several dates to kiss them, they will think you only see them as a friend, and then see you only as a friend.  

[ATM]

1 minute ago, tattoobunnie said:

Next time, do kiss on the hand or cheek if the 1st date goes well.  Make out at the 2nd if the date goes well.  

It's okay to wait for sex, but if you wait several dates to kiss them, they will think you only see them as a friend, and then see you only as a friend.  

Gotcha. Gotcha.. So with the girl who ghosted, do you think that lack of intimacy and her ex being on her mind still played a big part? I really miss her and that connection, but I know too much time has passed now to text her

[tattoobunnie]

I think ghost girl was not ready to date.

If you really dug her, call her and leave a message that says, "I'm been thinking about you.  Hope you have been doing well. If you are so inclined, I'd love to see you again. Call me. Bye."  

It doesn't hurt; you're single, and you liked her. The worst that can happen is she says "no."

[ShySoul]

Too much focus is put on dating period, at any age. If you don't feel like doing it, just don't do it. If it isn't working out, just don't do it. No one ever needs to date, period.

Brother found his wife without dating. They met playing games online, expressed interest despite distance, and went straight to relationship. They have been together 23 years.

Friend went on all of two dates in her life. Found her husband of nearly 30 years when she wasn't looking and just by being friends with him and realizing they had feelings for each other.

I've never been on a date at age 41. Hasn't stopped multiple women from loving me.

People become entrenched in the idea that you have to follow a set guideline on what to do, how to do it, and when it should be done by. It's all imaginary. 

Be you. Do what you love. Be happy with just yourself. When you do that, you can just live life and be happy. Finding someone isn't your priority. Living is. And that lets you meet people and be friends naturally. If you hit it off with someone, then you see what happens and it all flows as it should. And if it doesn't, then you are having to much fun to really care.

 

[ShySoul]

Also, don't try to overthink or analyze anything that happened on a prior date. Every date will be different, every relationship will be different. Each person you are on a date with will like or be comfortable with different things. Just be you. Either they like you as you are, or they don't. And you really should want them to be okay with you just as you are. If they aren't, then it's just two people who weren't compatible, not anything on you. Be your real, authentic self. When you are, that shines a light from within you that will draw the right one to you. 

I knew a woman for months, we both expressed interest in each other, even saying we loved each other. Never kissed. The moment was never right. Didn't matter. We both were still interested in each other and kept things going. And when we did kiss, it was perfect. If anything, the wait made it better. Kiss when you are comfortable doing it, when it is right for the both of you. Don't do it just to do it or because you think you need to. Kiss when everything has built to it and you find yourself unable to avoid it. And enjoy it.

Even talking about an ex doesn't have to be a bad thing. I grew close to one woman in part because of a sitution I had with another woman. She helped me pursue this woman even. But as the friendship deepened, it was she who I fell in love with. Probably don't be saying how you wish you were with the ex still, but if the topic is brought up, don't avoid. This was a person important to you, who you did a lot of things with. So it's fine and naturally if she is mentioned. And a respectful person would be understanding of that.

Really, just be you. As long as you are kind, caring, and respectful... that's all you need to know. If it is with the right person, it all works out for the best.

[SophiaG]

Ugh, movie night and no kiss. The girl might not be a good fit anyways but the lack of initiative can give off the wrong signal.

Edit to add: Nothing wrong with being frustrated with dating and wanting to step away for a bit - many of us have been there - but no need to "give up" for good IMO. You are young. Who knows what might happen tomorrow? Just take a break from it and focus on other interesting projects in life. Get back into it when you feel like it. Take it easy on yourself.

[ATM]

3 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Ugh, movie night and no kiss. The girl might not be a good fit anyways but the lack of initiative can give off the wrong signal.

Edit to add: Nothing wrong with being frustrated with dating and wanting to step away for a bit - many of us have been there - but no need to "give up" for good IMO. You are young. Who knows what might happen tomorrow? Just take a break from it and focus on other interesting projects in life. Get back into it when you feel like it. Take it easy on yourself.

No I get that now. At the time I thought moving very slow was the right move, based off of my discussions with her.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, ATM said:

So the question on the floor is, am I smart to just quit for maybe a month or more and just focus more on myself and my own interests?

I mean sure if that is what you want. But I would suggest maybe to change a perspective a bit.

You get dates and you have prospect so allow yourself to be "choosy".

Girl no1 is emotionally closed off and wants to go around and just dates. Good for her, next.

Girl no2 has lists but doesnt respect them and is emotionally immature person who ghosts people. Next.

Girl no3 wasnt willing to move on with your pace. Next.

None of those 3 was a great match. You dont need somebody emotionally closed or immature. Or even somebody who doesnt move on your pace. Yes, I also wouldnt agree that you should go that slow. But if that is your pace, OK. Be upfront about that and that you need time with intimacy. Who knows, maybe some woman would listen and not ghost you.

Also, yes, its a jungle out there. You being "passive" really doesnt help. Women say they like "nice guys" but "nice" to them doesnt always mean to pay for them and open doors. You need to be more "assertive". That doesnt mean you have to "slam your fist against the table" but lots of women just likes to be "challenged". Meaning that, if you drive them around, pay for dinners and dont even try anything, where is the challenge for them? I guess some of the would maybe like to be "pampered" but where is the excitement in that? They need to feel that you are excitement enough so they could continue to date you. That, when push comes to show, you would step up for them and not stand passively by the side. Dont think they feel that from you. That is maybe something that you should work on.

[ATM]

11 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I mean sure if that is what you want. But I would suggest maybe to change a perspective a bit.

You get dates and you have prospect so allow yourself to be "choosy".

Girl no1 is emotionally closed off and wants to go around and just dates. Good for her, next.

Girl no2 has lists but doesnt respect them and is emotionally immature person who ghosts people. Next.

Girl no3 wasnt willing to move on with your pace. Next.

None of those 3 was a great match. You dont need somebody emotionally closed or immature. Or even somebody who doesnt move on your pace. Yes, I also wouldnt agree that you should go that slow. But if that is your pace, OK. Be upfront about that and that you need time with intimacy. Who knows, maybe some woman would listen and not ghost you.

Also, yes, its a jungle out there. You being "passive" really doesnt help. Women say they like "nice guys" but "nice" to them doesnt always mean to pay for them and open doors. You need to be more "assertive". That doesnt mean you have to "slam your fist against the table" but lots of women just likes to be "challenged". Meaning that, if you drive them around, pay for dinners and dont even try anything, where is the challenge for them? I guess some of the would maybe like to be "pampered" but where is the excitement in that? They need to feel that you are excitement enough so they could continue to date you. That, when push comes to show, you would step up for them and not stand passively by the side. Dont think they feel that from you. That is maybe something that you should work on.

Good points.. Back in 2020 when I had just started grad school, I went on a date with this girl and I asked and kissed her on the first date. It turned into a short-lived relationship.. But it still blossomed into something. Even now, four years later, this same girl pops up and wants to see me if she's single, so I can definitely see where the time I was more assertive and quickly moving made a difference in how a girl reacted and treated me