Am I making his EX more important than she is or is this a Red Flag?

[Kisses]

I have been dating this man for a year in 10 days and I'm about ready to walk away but a part of me feels like I'm overreacting. Everything started out wonderful as it always does. We took trips out of town went to church together. I met his family(some) and he met mine. Family cookouts and birthday dinners etc etc. He has an ex wife they were married for 20 years and divorced for 7 they have 3 adult sons together and grandchildren. I except and support that. My problem is I feel like he puts her 1st. When he 1st invited me to his home there was still a photo on the wall of the two of them together. She still has things there and I don't mean like a drawer of things....lots of things that she didn't take when she moved out 8 years ago. Up until he met me she still had a key they still did holidays together "because of the grandkids". Still talked on the phone. She still called him if she needed things done around her house.  I asked him to remove her things from the home because it made me feel like I"m in another woman's house. I asked him to limit his conversations to things about the (adults) kids. Both things turned into a fight. He asked her to come get her things and she was pissed came in and made a few comments about things that was no longer her business took a few things and left the rest. To this day her things are still in that house because he just hasn't had time to clean them out. (yeah right) The conversations have slowed down or at least around me. But not because he had a talk with her to set boundaries (that never happened). He hurt himself on the job and she called to check on him Fine that was nice and he told me about it nothing to hide. Then she called the next day to check on him again except I was there when he told her that he and his girlfriend was watching TV her tone turned mean and she got off the phone.  We go everywhere together except if she is going to be there. If he thinks shes going I don't get an invite like to the grandkid's awards day at school etc. he doesn't want me to go. Why would he keep us apart? She and I have never met. Two of his 3 sons are not his bio kids and I have never met them either. Am I missing something if he want a further with me (he says he does) why don't he want me to met the rest of his family. FYI I have met everyone else sister brothers aunts etc etc. Am I making his EX more important than she is or is this a Red Flag?

[Batya33]

Are you sure they are legally divorced? Is she remarried? I think I would not be comfortable with this level of contact.  And I wouldn't feel it was my place as the girlfriend to insist on anything different. I'd simply say I am not comfortable with this level of contact /relationship especially since she is not over you it seems so I am going to walk away.

[Andrina]

When you'll only be truly happy in a relationship if major changes happen, you're in the wrong relationship.

Yeah, they've continued with being far too involved and invested with one another.

1 hour ago, Kisses said:

Up until he met me she still had a key they still did holidays together "because of the grandkids"

My husband and I are both in our 2nd marriages. The grandkids are more than happy to be able to celebrate holidays twice, separately with each sides of the family. Believe me, they assuredly take how things are done in this way as being normal, what they are used to, and they don't experience any upset over adult matters they aren't privy to.

In your shoes, I'd walk away to be able to find a man who knows how to set appropriate boundaries with an ex.

[lostandhurt]

56 minutes ago, Kisses said:

Am I making his EX more important than she is or is this a Red Flag?

You aren't making his ex more important than she should be, HE IS

Not meeting her is common, purposely keeping you two apart sounds like he is hiding something.

I briefly dated a woman that was best friends with her ex husband.  I mean they talked all the time, did things together, helped each other out and he even helped her get ready for one of our dates.  They didn't have children together but were besties to the point it was weird.  I asked one day if they are such good friends why on earth did you divorce.  I never got a clear answer.  I ended it when we got back to her place after a date and he was there hanging out.  Turns out he had a key and did that often...

 It worked for them but did not work for me.  I wasn't jealous or threatened by his presence but it was intrusive and weird.  She was very pretty and it turned out she had several "ex's" as "friends"

  If this isn't working for you then it is time to make your exit.  You have made your feelings clear and he hasn't taken them to heart so you can feel comfortable in the relationship.  Really all he has to do is give her stuff to charity or throw it in the trash and include you completely in his life while removing her from those areas.  Pay attention to his actions, not his words.

Lost

[bluecastle]

*having misread the original post, don’t want to confuse OP with a ramble. Agree with everyone here. 

[HeartGoesOn]

Blue...It appears you misread the above thread regarding the amount of time they've been together. It's stated in the beginning of her posted thread, (above).

 

I have been dating this man for a year in 10 days and I'm about ready to walk away but a part of me feels like I'm overreacting. 

[bluecastle]

31 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Blue...It appears you misread the above thread regarding the amount of time they've been together. It's stated in the beginning of her posted thread, (above).

 

I have been dating this man for a year in 10 days and I'm about ready to walk away but a part of me feels like I'm overreacting. 

Indeed I did!

OP, please disregard approximately 85 percent of my above post. 

[MissCanuck]

Nope. 

This man and his ex are way too enmeshed with each other for my liking. I would not have bothered with arguing over it. I simply I would have seen myself out a while ago. This would be the right relationship for me at all. 

[LotusBlack]

The only issue I have with anything you’re doing on your side, OP, is telling your boyfriend what he can and cannot discuss with his ex. Limiting his conversations with his ex to being only about their adult children is a bit controlling and I think exes, especially if they are amiable/friendly with each other, can discuss many topics as long as they are appropriate conversation points whilst the party/ies are within the bounds of romantic relationships with other people.

However, I do agree with the others that your bf and his ex wife do not have appropriate boundaries in place in the other areas you mentioned. I think you have the right idea to walk away from this relationship because they are too involved in each other’s lives and spaces. 

[Kisses]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Are you sure they are legally divorced? Is she remarried? I think I would not be comfortable with this level of contact.  And I wouldn't feel it was my place as the girlfriend to insist on anything different. I'd simply say I am not comfortable with this level of contact /relationship especially since she is not over you it seems so I am going to walk away.

Yes they are legally divorced she took half when she went. He use to deliver the alimony payments in person and hang out a while. When she found out about me. She told their sons I guess your father is truly done with me now he has a girlfriend. Thanks for the advise.

[Kisses]

6 hours ago, Andrina said:

When you'll only be truly happy in a relationship if major changes happen, you're in the wrong relationship.

Yeah, they've continued with being far too involved and invested with one another.

My husband and I are both in our 2nd marriages. The grandkids are more than happy to be able to celebrate holidays twice, separately with each sides of the family. Believe me, they assuredly take how things are done in this way as being normal, what they are used to, and they don't experience any upset over adult matters they aren't privy to.

In your shoes, I'd walk away to be able to find a man who knows how to set appropriate boundaries with an ex.

This is what I said to him. They use to buy gifts together and put both their names on it. Crazy to me. Last year I didn't have much to say because we wasn't together very long but this year if he tries to split his time I will dismiss myself because what is the problem I invite him when something is going on with my grandkids and it doesn't matter who is there because he is with me.

[Kisses]

6 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

You aren't making his ex more important than she should be, HE IS

Not meeting her is common, purposely keeping you two apart sounds like he is hiding something.

I briefly dated a woman that was best friends with her ex husband.  I mean they talked all the time, did things together, helped each other out and he even helped her get ready for one of our dates.  They didn't have children together but were besties to the point it was weird.  I asked one day if they are such good friends why on earth did you divorce.  I never got a clear answer.  I ended it when we got back to her place after a date and he was there hanging out.  Turns out he had a key and did that often...

 It worked for them but did not work for me.  I wasn't jealous or threatened by his presence but it was intrusive and weird.  She was very pretty and it turned out she had several "ex's" as "friends"

  If this isn't working for you then it is time to make your exit.  You have made your feelings clear and he hasn't taken them to heart so you can feel comfortable in the relationship.  Really all he has to do is give her stuff to charity or throw it in the trash and include you completely in his life while removing her from those areas.  Pay attention to his actions, not his words.

Lost

You are sooo right! He is a great guy and I truly love him but unless he makes me an priority this will always be a problem.

[Kisses]

1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

The only issue I have with anything you’re doing on your side, OP, is telling your boyfriend what he can and cannot discuss with his ex. Limiting his conversations with his ex to being only about their adult children is a bit controlling and I think exes, especially if they are amiable/friendly with each other, can discuss many topics as long as they are appropriate conversation points whilst the party/ies are within the bounds of romantic relationships with other people.

However, I do agree with the others that your bf and his ex wife do not have appropriate boundaries in place in the other areas you mentioned. I think you have the right idea to walk away from this relationship because they are too involved in each other’s lives and spaces. 

I understand your point but in this case she wants him back and boundaries need to be in place (maybe with me). I think he is enjoying the attention at the expense of my feelings. I have the same boundaries with my ex. It would be different if we met and when she called him to say hi because he ran across her mind and he told her I was in his company that she was respectful but this is not the case and so I really believe he should limit his conversations. Thanks for pointing out that this could be received as controlling I will definitely take notice of that because that is not who I am However I am very protective.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Kisses said:

You are sooo right! He is a great guy and I truly love him but unless he makes me an priority this will always be a problem.

It's pretty obvious he's not going to make you a priority and it's a futile waste of energy asking him or giving him some sort of ultimatum. 

He's gonna do what HE wants to do regardless.  

Your job is to observe and if you don't like what you've observed which you clearly don't (rightfully so) and what's happening and has been happening, then the right and only thing to do is wish him well and walk away. 

You cannot talk your way into getting him to love you the way you need him to love you.  

If it's not enough and you're unhappy, you leave and find a man who can.

Anything else is emotionally destructive to you. 

I am really hoping your next post is telling us you have chosen to walk away and will tell him sooner rather than later. 

Love yourself first. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

36 minutes ago, Kisses said:

Yes they are legally divorced she took half when she went. He use to deliver the alimony payments in person and hang out a while. When she found out about me. She told their sons I guess your father is truly done with me now he has a girlfriend. Thanks for the advise.

This^ especially bolded is completely f**ked up excuse my french.

I don't believe for one second he's divorced, don't care what he told you.

Every single thing you've told us suggests he is still married.

Please take care of yourself and get yourself out of there @Kisses.

I'm sorry. 

 

[LotusBlack]

14 hours ago, Kisses said:

I understand your point but in this case she wants him back and boundaries need to be in place (maybe with me). I think he is enjoying the attention at the expense of my feelings. I have the same boundaries with my ex. It would be different if we met and when she called him to say hi because he ran across her mind and he told her I was in his company that she was respectful but this is not the case and so I really believe he should limit his conversations. Thanks for pointing out that this could be received as controlling I will definitely take notice of that because that is not who I am However I am very protective.  

It still doesn’t change the fact that a person shouldn’t be telling his or her partner what they are and are not allowed to discuss with their exes. If they are discussing inappropriate topics and crossing boundaries then you have the right to walk away. 

You tell your partner what YOUR boundaries are and if he crosses them, you walk. The point is not for you to be defining his boundaries for him. If he cannot behave appropriately, then you are not compatible, unfortunately.

Note, in my original comment, I mentioned that exes should remain only talking about appropriate topics. He is not, so he has stepped over one of your boundaries. It’s up to you if you are willing to accept it or not, but it is also not appropriate for you to be telling him he is only allowed to discuss their children. I think parents SHOULD - in an ideal world - be able to be friendly and interested in the general well-being and life of their co-parent where possible. That your boyfriend cannot set and maintain appropriate boundaries with his ex is only relevant to you in that it oversteps your own, then it becomes your decision as to what to do with that. You accept it, or leave. You don’t start policing your partner, otherwise you will be committing the same boundary breaking towards yourself as you are upset at your boyfriend for doing with his ex.

[MissCanuck]

17 hours ago, Kisses said:

He is a great guy

Really? 

Because he seems pretty careless with your feelings. 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

The point is not for you to be defining his boundaries for him.

Good point. Boundaries are something we set around ourselves, not others. For instance, my own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's remained involved with an ex beyond parenting shared children. You're learning why.

I wouldn't stick around to fight with someone over how he conducts his relationship with his ex--that's none of my business. I'd simply tell him there doesn't appear to be enough room in his life for a dedicated relationship with me, so I'm walking away while we still think highly of one another. If he ever finishes his old business, and he's free and clear of any private contact with ex and her belongings, he can reach out. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

Boom! Done.

[Kisses]

11 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

It still doesn’t change the fact that a person shouldn’t be telling his or her partner what they are and are not allowed to discuss with their exes. If they are discussing inappropriate topics and crossing boundaries then you have the right to walk away. 

You tell your partner what YOUR boundaries are and if he crosses them, you walk. The point is not for you to be defining his boundaries for him. If he cannot behave appropriately, then you are not compatible, unfortunately.

Note, in my original comment, I mentioned that exes should remain only talking about appropriate topics. He is not, so he has stepped over one of your boundaries. It’s up to you if you are willing to accept it or not, but it is also not appropriate for you to be telling him he is only allowed to discuss their children. I think parents SHOULD - in an ideal world - be able to be friendly and interested in the general well-being and life of their co-parent where possible. That your boyfriend cannot set and maintain appropriate boundaries with his ex is only relevant to you in that it oversteps your own, then it becomes your decision as to what to do with that. You accept it, or leave. You don’t start policing your partner, otherwise you will be committing the same boundary breaking towards yourself as you are upset at your boyfriend for doing with his ex.

I feel like you think I made demands, and I did not. I asked him to respect how I feel and set my own boundary on what I will accept, and I ASKed him to limit the talks unless they are about his children not that he could NEVER talk about other things. Like the other day he had the grands and we had something to do so he was going to call his son to ask the Ex. could she get them and he would pick them up when he was done and I told him to just call her then I asked him was he doing it that way because of me? He said No. He would NEVER let me control him but sometimes people don't get it until you point it out to them Kinda how you are pointing this out to me. I NEVER even thought of this as controlling until now and you may be right.  Please believe me when I say I am not being argumentative right now because I truly want to understand and maybe open myself up to somethings that I need to work on. Soooo you feel like a person should just say how they feel about things in general and not ask their partner to change anything? I hope you take this the way I mean it because I truly don't understand why I shouldn't ask him to change something. Like he has asked me to change things and I have because it makes him uncomfortable. I think compromise is a part of every relationship, control is imposing my will on him

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Kisses said:

I feel and set my own boundary on what I will accept, and I ASKed him to limit the talks unless they are about his children not that he could NEVER talk about other things.

I believe this is exactly what Lotusblack means about trying to control what he talks about with his ex.  As opposed to "I am not comfortable with how you interact with your ex and you are so we are incompatible because I know I cannot be happy in a relationship where my partner has this level of interaction with his ex.  I won't ask you to change that but I want you to know how I feel."

 

[LotusBlack]

47 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I believe this is exactly what Lotusblack means about trying to control what he talks about with his ex.  As opposed to "I am not comfortable with how you interact with your ex and you are so we are incompatible because I know I cannot be happy in a relationship where my partner has this level of interaction with his ex.  I won't ask you to change that but I want you to know how I feel."

 

This ^^^ 

And if his response to that boundary is to adjust his own because he recognises and values your relationship above that with his ex wife, then that is what I call a compromise. You are certainly within your rights to express how you feel and he also, but asking/telling someone to limit/adjust/change something of this nature is policing. If you have to get to that point in a relationship, it isn’t the right one for you, unfortunately.