Is he ghosting me??

[Zara12]

During my dental treatment there was this doctor we exchanged our contact. at first he was so sweet and nice, used to  replyed on time . He showed so much interest  during our talking stage then we decided to meet up but after few days I got text that he can't make up due to some family issues and all when i tried to contact him after that  he didn't showed much interest and sometime he used to left my message on seen or didn't even seen for hours in between he also blocked me .I thought he might not want to this  anymore but after few days he  texted that he wants to meet up  and we hooked up for one time after that we didn't contact to each other but this month he again messaged me. He wants to meet up after talking for few days suddenly I was blocked again later he unblocked me and texted me regarding date and time when we confirm our date and time all of sudden I got a text that he got ill and  told me that we have to wait until he recovered I tried to text him after 2 days he didn't even seen that message when I called him he do seems not well since my parents are out of station I again texted him that my parents will be here by next week then I instantly got replyed to meet up on Monday on the same day I also got my periods and told him about this but he didn't even seen that message till now  I don't know what's going on what should I do .. he want this or not.. this on off conversation is so irritating I really wanted this to happened If he agreed I was ready to do it even on periods since last hookup was so good..and we also had decided on this. But now there is no message from his side .. 

[bluecastle]

The question I'd be asking, in your shoes, is: What is the appeal of a guy who behaves like this? Minus some early chitchat over text, it sounds like he's barely been interested, to say nothing of the weirdness and potential shadiness of blocking you on occasion. Are you sure he's not married, or otherwise involved? Can't for the life of me understand why else he'd feel the need to block you. 

Anyhow, I'm sorry for the disappointment, knowing it can be tough, but it really feels like a good moment to focus not on him but on yourself. Before you knew this man existed, which wasn't all that long ago, is how this is going and feeling what you were hoping for romance? 

Answer that honestly and I think you'll find yourself thinking about all this differently. 

[Zara12]

I found him on insta and saw a girl with him ,I think he is in relationship but  that doesn't bother me , I don't want any relationship  but because of his behaviour I am feeling worthless .. i know it's just a hookup but atleast he should not treat me like this if he Dont want this then he should say so .. it is second time somthing like this happened at first he will show so much interest and when I show same  suddenly he act like this..  he also has this pattern of texting me around 11 pm only .. now I am overthinking about him a lot.

[MissCanuck]

36 minutes ago, Zara12 said:

I found him on insta and saw a girl with him ,I think he is in relationship but  that doesn't bother me

But you realize this is likely the very reason he treats you in such a manner, don't you? 

People in relationships are not going to prioritize secret side hook-ups. Those will be fit in around their primary relationships, in such a way that it avoid raising the alarm with their partners.  It is unwise to get involved with someone you suspect is dating another woman, and plain naive to think he would treat you well. 

Please, raise your own bar and forget this man.

[Zara12]

I Got it !!

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Zara12 said:

I found him on insta and saw a girl with him ,I think he is in relationship but  that doesn't bother me , I don't want any relationship  but because of his behaviour I am feeling worthless .. i know it's just a hookup but atleast he should not treat me like this if he Dont want this then he should say so .. it is second time somthing like this happened at first he will show so much interest and when I show same  suddenly he act like this..  he also has this pattern of texting me around 11 pm only .. now I am overthinking about him a lot.

Most people who enjoy casual hookups enjoy it because they don't get emotionally attached and therefore whether the person texts or otherwise doesn't affect them -it's all very practical -you text each other when you're horny and want to hook up and the only annoyance is if the person doesn't show up or is very late and doesn't apologize -just as if  you were meeting someone for a business lunch.  You are emotionally attached and how he reacts and acts seems to affect your self esteem.  You say you don't want any relationship and you say you are comfortable interfering in someone else's relationship and I think for the most part you are lying to yourself - so get real on what you want and when you know what you want you can start to work towards being a person who knows she deserves that and knows what steps and effort she has to put in to reach that goal.

[lostandhurt]

I am sure if all you want is sex there are plenty of guys out there that will respond and treat you better than this guy.

 The thing is if you don't care if he has a gf, don't care who gets hurt and allow a guy that is clearly a cheater dictate how you feel about yourself then there are larger issues going on here don't you think?

 It is like feeling bad about your job because some out of work loser told you that your job choice sucks.

  Self esteem is important, why do you think yours is so low?

Lost

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, Zara12 said:

I think he is in relationship but  that doesn't bother me , I don't want any relationship  but because of his behaviour I am feeling worthless

It's so clear with everything you write that you don't need him to make you feel worthless. You're doing a bang up job of that yourself. What you subconsciously think of yourself will decide who you will seek and attract and accept. You find yourself unworthy of anybody decent, so until you acquire self-love, expect the same pattern to repeat itself.

First off, you continued to bombard him with effort when he failed to reply to your texts. How about in the future taking hints that a person is just not that into you when the efforts are one-sided, and it's best to move on so that you can meet someone who equals your efforts?

You say you don't want to be in a relationship, so think about what that would ideally look like for you. Sounds like you expect great availability for texting and get togethers. When that didn't happen, wasn't that a sign he wasn't a good candidate for what you are apparently seeking?

Your lack of feeling for a sense of sisterhood, even with a stranger, is concerning. Do you have zero guilt that you've been intimate with a taken man?

As said, get real with what you really want from a union with a man. If you are truly okay with not being in a relationship, realistically it could end after one hookup, after 3 days, after two weeks, etc. I don't know if you're fooling yourself that you're okay with this, since you're already upset enough after this one brief encounter with a man to feel the need to write about it on a forum.

[Zara12]

@Batya33to be honest to all out there yes I realised that I emotionally got attached to him ..

I block him now , hoping to not to see him ever again in my life .

Should I stop hooking up since I easily get attached .. Also I had heartbreaking breakup in the last so I am not in a stage of getting in relationship with anybody.. 

[lostandhurt]

1 minute ago, Zara12 said:

Should I stop hooking up since I easily get attached .. Also I had heartbreaking breakup in the last so I am not in a stage of getting in relationship with anybody.. 

It sounds like you haven't healed up all the way or most of the way from your breakup.  Perhaps you should work on that healing before adding anyone else to your life in a temporary or permanent basis.  Getting attached so easily to a man that obviously was a creep shows me that you long for something you lost in the breakup which is perfectly normal.  Kind of like trying to put a bandage on a broken heart when all you are doing is covering up the hurt, not healing it.

  Have you actively worked on healing or are you just hoping time will heal you?

Lost

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, Zara12 said:

@Batya33to be honest to all out there yes I realised that I emotionally got attached to him ..

I block him now , hoping to not to see him ever again in my life .

Should I stop hooking up since I easily get attached .. Also I had heartbreaking breakup in the last so I am not in a stage of getting in relationship with anybody.. 

Is that even a question you do not know the answer to? Dating and relationships are optional.  Avoiding unhealthy situations when you can is -essential, yes?

[MissCanuck]

39 minutes ago, Zara12 said:

Should I stop hooking up since I easily get attached ..

I think you know the answer to this. 

 

[Zara12]

@lostandhurt sometime I think I  already healed up , it's already 1 year of that incident . We even talked to each other like normally and I don't feel same for him like before it's just that I am tried of putting efforts in any kind of relationship .. ..

This means I should stop hooking up? Just because I am not wholly heal up if that so I don't think I ever gonna heal up from the past . 

[Zara12]

@MissCanuckthen what to do when I feel  to have sex ???

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Zara12 said:

@MissCanuckthen what to do when I feel  to have sex ???

What do you do when you feel like eating cheesecake for breakfast the day of a big presentation at work or the day after your doctor told you you're prediabetic? What do you do when you feel the urge to have sex with a hot guy you see on the street -do you say oh no what should I do guess I'll approach the stranger and ask if he wants to get naked with me I mean what other choices are there?

What do you do when you are so tempted to lash out at your coworker or acquaintance or whoever posts some inflammatory political stuff on social media but you know if you click send or write something to lash out you'll suffer the consequences?

If you feel horny and you don't have options that on balance are healthy for you to partake in - you can - pleasure yourself, go for a run or exercise and work out the energy a different way, tell yourself we all have desires we can't instantly gratify -even people with spouses - so oh well I'll just experience desire, do nothing about it and it will pass.  Tons of options. 

[Zara12]

Thankyou to all the beautiful people out there for your lovely support and advice means a lot ...

I had been procrastinating on blocking the doctor, but I finally closed that chapter.

 

[lostandhurt]

On 10/19/2024 at 10:16 AM, Zara12 said:

I am tried of putting efforts in any kind of relationship .. ..

Would you like to be in a relationship?

On 10/19/2024 at 10:16 AM, Zara12 said:

This means I should stop hooking up? Just because I am not wholly heal up if that so I don't think I ever gonna heal up from the past . 

No not at all.  What it means is if you find yourself getting really attached to a guy you are only hooking up with then perhaps either you are not the type of person that can separate sex and feelings or you haven't healed enough to have the strength for these encounters. 

I might be wrong here but I feel like you tell yourself you only want to hook up with no romantic feelings/just sex but your heart thinks otherwise.  Could that be the case?

Lost

[Zara12]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

I might be wrong here but I feel like you tell yourself you only want to hook up with no romantic feelings/just sex but your heart thinks otherwise.  Could that be the case?

 

I hardly had hookups in the past but I have never attached to them .when a guy shows care during sex that attracts me a lot and this person was so sweet and cares a lot that shows even during my dental treatment which is why I got attached maybe ... 

[Zara12]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Would you like to be in a relationship?

Somthing I really want to feel that love again but at the same time just by imagining it makes me tired 

[Kwothe28]

I think that people treat us the way we let them treat us. He canceled your date and after you still were interested in him, he saw that he can do whatever he wants. So he blocked you, unblocked you, hooked up with you and now ghosts you etc. 

All that could easily be prevented if you just left it alone after he canceled the date. Once they show you how they really are, its up to us how we would handle it. You could just leave it alone and your head wouldnt hurt now. But you chose to continue and even hook up with somebody like that. I think you need to be more clear with yourself about what this guy is and why are you so adamant in pursuing somebody who does treats you bad.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Zara12 said:

I hardly had hookups in the past but I have never attached to them .when a guy shows care during sex that attracts me a lot and this person was so sweet and cares a lot that shows even during my dental treatment which is why I got attached maybe ... 

In a sexual arrangement or hook up showing care is very nice and doesn't mean he wants to be with you or cares about you when you are not having sex. My dentist shows he cares during my dental treatment. It's called bedside manner colloquially -my father was a doctor and did the same.  (And my dentist is married and gay).  But if a doctor shows he cares by flirting inappropriately that means he is a person who is unprofessional in giving medical care and likely not a person of character and integrity.  A person to avoid for medical care.  

When you are ready for a relationship you will feel energized- not "tired" - to be proactive in putting yourself out there and your main focus won't be on "feeling love" -you can feel love for a gorgeous tulip or for a man who is having sex with you - that's just a feeling -you'll be inspired to give love to a person who is a good match for you and who treats you with respect and thoughtfulness just like you do.

[SophiaG]

For a dentist to contact their patient to hook up sounds highly unprofessional and unethical.

[catfeeder]

On 10/19/2024 at 1:30 AM, Zara12 said:

...I think he is in relationship but  that doesn't bother me , I don't want any relationship  but because of his behaviour I am feeling worthless .. 

This all ties in together. If I'm 'not bothered' by a man being disloyal to someone else in order to have sex with me, then I've shut down the part of myself that is capable of empathy toward the woman who's being deceived--and also toward myself.

That alone can make me feel worthless because I've devalued two human beings by my participation in the harm caused to her. It also means that I'm dealing with a man who has clearly shown me his capacity for deception and cruelty. So why would I not expect him to be cruel to me, too?

On 10/19/2024 at 12:03 PM, Zara12 said:

...Should I stop hooking up since I easily get attached...

Bonding with a sex partner does not make you a freak, it's natural for women. Sex releases an oxytocin hormone that can bond us to a partner. (It's the same hormone that bonds a nursing mother to her baby.) That's why I believe it's important for me to get to know a man and his ethics well enough to trust him before I'll allow myself to bond with him through sex.

However, men don't typically bond in the same way. Their testosterone can block enough of the oxytocin to neutralize it. Some women have enough testosterone to prevent such bonding as well. So nobody else can speak to your private reactions to sex--it's an individual thing, but it's up to each of us to become self-aware and operate in our own best interests. Self sex is the safest sex.

Exploring your own humanity and your ethics and your sense of fairness to others is one way to learn how to become kind, loving, and generous toward yourself. By the same token, learning forgiveness and self love is also a potent way to adopt empathy and sympathy for others--it's a natural healing cycle.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Zara12]

On 10/21/2024 at 11:24 AM, Zara12 said:

 

 

On 10/19/2024 at 11:00 AM, Zara12 said:

I found him on insta and saw a girl with him ,I think he is in relationship but  that doesn't bother me ,

Everyone is talking about this, and I want to clear something up. I'm not sure if he's in a relationship or not. I did ask him once, about his past relationship but he didn't reply 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Zara12 said:

 

Everyone is talking about this, and I want to clear something up. I'm not sure if he's in a relationship or not. I did ask him once, about his past relationship but he didn't reply 

Then assume he is in a relationship.  A person who is interested in dating you would want you to know he is single and available.  When he did not reply what did  you do?