i think shes an avoidant and i dont know what to do

[artist of fkups]

Me and this girl met online,we were talking for about 2 months before meeting up because she lives 400km away.She was into me i was into her,so i took the risk and went to her city.It all seemed good maybe even too good for me.We had a good time kissed and she even gave me a brastrap bracelet and she said she was comming to my city now in 10 days.She said she coulndnt wait to see me again and i felt like that too.Then on a ride home she said it was best to stay friends.I was so confused on what happend and what should i do.We talked for a bit and i said if u still want to see me when ur in my city just say.After a few days of no contact she texted me saying she changed her mind and she just pushed me away because she has trust issues then again in the same conversation she asked me to block her which i obviously didnt do.And today i told her how i feel about her and everything(i felt like and idiot) and she just said she doesnt want a relationship cuz she doesnt want to attach or something like that.

I just said goodbye cuz i dont know how to deal with these kind of people i rly like her btw

[MissCanuck]

Try not to dwell to much on the avoidant label. 

Maybe she is, or maybe it was just an excuse on her part because it's more palatable than whatever the truth is. All you can do is hear what she's telling you, which is that she doesn't want to be more than friends. 

11 minutes ago, artist of fkups said:

i rly like her btw

That may be, but there is not much you can do when the other person doesn't want what you want. It's disappointing but at least now you know not to spend any more time or effort on her. 

[artist of fkups]

yeah i think that shes actually telling the truth btw and thats why im so confused and hurt tbh

 

 

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry you're hurting. It's understanable that it stings. 

The best thing you can do now for yourself is to let go of the idea of dating her. It just doesn't sound like a realistic prospect. 

[Andrina]

16 minutes ago, artist of fkups said:

she asked me to block her

A pretty girl who is mentally healthy will have oodles of dating opportunities locally, so the first red flag was that she's seeking and accepting communication with guys as far away as 400 kms away or more. She's obviously used to treating guys like a yo-yo. Maybe she's already gone through all this flaky behavior with local guys and that pool is dried up.

She might be pretty, but that can't be the sole reason you want to continue on with someone. 

Your way of dating is too expensive and you ended up bonding with a fantasy during that whole 2 months of talking before meeting. 

I recommend you stick to local dating, which I did back when I did OLD. Far cheaper. A far quicker vetting process, as most of the fish in the sea will be thrown back before finding that one keeper. Even locally, don't talk more than 2 weeks before arranging to meet. As you can see, everything is fantasy before meeting, and though the first part of your meetup was magical, everything quickly fell apart. Lesson learned. Block her so she doesn't reach out during a dry spell. She's too great a risk to your heart. What you see is what you get. If you think she'll magically turn into exactly who you want, you haven't enough life experience yet to know any better. Take care.

 

[yogacat]

40 minutes ago, artist of fkups said:

Me and this girl met online,we were talking for about 2 months before meeting up because she lives 400km away.She was into me i was into her,so i took the risk and went to her city.It all seemed good maybe even too good for me.We had a good time kissed and she even gave me a brastrap bracelet and she said she was comming to my city now in 10 days.She said she coulndnt wait to see me again and i felt like that too.Then on a ride home she said it was best to stay friends.I was so confused on what happend and what should i do.We talked for a bit and i said if u still want to see me when ur in my city just say.After a few days of no contact she texted me saying she changed her mind and she just pushed me away because she has trust issues then again in the same conversation she asked me to block her which i obviously didnt do.And today i told her how i feel about her and everything(i felt like and idiot) and she just said she doesnt want a relationship cuz she doesnt want to attach or something like that.

I just said goodbye cuz i dont know how to deal with these kind of people i rly like her btw

She probably got carried away with the online chatting and the novelty wore off once it was in person. There's also considerable geographical distance and she is not open to that as she might have initially thought.

It sucks but she has been clear that she doesn't want to advance things. Telling you to block her is a bit dramatic but I would consider it a glaring sign that she's very non-committal, flaky and is making things difficult for you right off the bat.

Don't make things difficult for yourself by indulging in unnecessary distress.

Before you get a heartache, unplug and move on.

Wishing you all the best.

[artist of fkups]

thanks alot i think it was just me idealising someone idk why i always do that

 

 

 

[The Shark101]

1 hour ago, artist of fkups said:

Me and this girl met online,we were talking for about 2 months before meeting up because she lives 400km away.She was into me i was into her,so i took the risk and went to her city.It all seemed good maybe even too good for me.We had a good time kissed and she even gave me a brastrap bracelet and she said she was comming to my city now in 10 days.She said she coulndnt wait to see me again and i felt like that too.Then on a ride home she said it was best to stay friends.I was so confused on what happend and what should i do.We talked for a bit and i said if u still want to see me when ur in my city just say.After a few days of no contact she texted me saying she changed her mind and she just pushed me away because she has trust issues then again in the same conversation she asked me to block her which i obviously didnt do.And today i told her how i feel about her and everything(i felt like and idiot) and she just said she doesnt want a relationship cuz she doesnt want to attach or something like that.

I just said goodbye cuz i dont know how to deal with these kind of people i rly like her btw

How to deal with it? Very simple: She is a mess. Drop and forget her. 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, artist of fkups said:

.After a few days of no contact she texted me saying she changed her mind and she just pushed me away because she has trust issues then again in the same conversation she asked me to block her which i obviously didnt do.And today i told her how i feel about her and everything(i felt like and idiot) and she just said she doesnt want a relationship cuz she doesnt want to attach or something like that.

Respect her in not pursuing more. But there is no reason to not continue to me in touch with her or forget about her. If you want to still talk with her, then talk with her.

I dealt with a woman like this. She would get close, pull away, get close, pull away. She was open about having trust issues and would change her mind in an instant. Sometimes the conversations would be heated and passionate. Then she would decide it wouldn't work. She was scared of committing, wounded from past experiences. But that didn't mean she didn't like me. She actually loved me and admitted so.

I handled it by being honest with her and never backing down. I made clear that I liked her as more, but that I respected her enough not to push for anything she wasn't ready for. I said my intent was to be her friend, no matter what. And she responded to that. Every time she pulled away, I didn't give up and just remained a true friend. And each time she would come right back.

Saying goodbye and not speaking only guarantees that you will lose out on everything. There will be no relationship or even friendship. If you are comfortable quitting on knowing her at all, then this is what you should do.

However, if you want to know her or be around her, then stay in touch and stay a friend. Don't expect anything more, but you can never rule anything out. She has changed her mind before, no telling what the future could bring.

1 hour ago, artist of fkups said:

.She said she coulndnt wait to see me again and i felt like that too.Then on a ride home she said it was best to stay friends.I was so confused on what happend and what should i do.We talked for a bit and i said if u still want to see me when ur in my city just say.After a few days of no contact she texted me saying she changed her mind and she just pushed me away because she has trust issues then again in the same conversation she asked me to block her which i obviously didnt do.

The bolded parts are the real her, the rest is the fear and insecurity inside of her. She wants to see you. She wants to be friends with you. 

Do you want to see her? Do you want to be friends with her? Then do so. Enjoy it. Have fun together. Life is to short to not enjoy the company of someone we get along with.

And if you did block and push her away, you would probably be confirming all the trust issues and fears she has. Is that something you really want to do to a person?

[artist of fkups]

she asked me to block her becasue i said i cant be friends with her cuz i see her in a different way.i couldnt block her so she did.

i just cant be friends with someone i have other intentions about.it will just hurt me even more and the distance thing is kinda bad too.idk man i want to keep trying with her but at the same time im kinda tired of making and idiot of myself for someone whos on and off with me.

Maybe shell come back maybe she wont well see

 

[yogacat]

10 minutes ago, artist of fkups said:

i just cant be friends with someone i have other intentions about.it will just hurt me even more and the distance thing is kinda bad too.idk man i want to keep trying with her but at the same time im kinda tired of making and idiot of myself for someone whos on and off with me.

Maybe shell come back maybe she wont well see

Right. And this is what happens when you hold onto false hope that someone will change their mind about you. I mean, if you can do it and it doesn’t hurt you, great, but most people can’t (and shouldn’t) just “be friends” with someone they really want to date. Because hanging onto that is like a long-term emotional hostage situation that only delays moving on.

So give yourself the gift of space and time.

For all you know, she could have said the things she did because she was just trying to let you down easy. In which case, how would contact be remotely helpful in that situation? Or, you could be actively putting off other potential connections with people who will date you because you’re too pressingly involved with this woman and/or too emotionally unavailable yourself.

[artist of fkups]

ill just leave her alone i think thats the best thing that i can do i posted this cuz i was confused.

it was first time in a while that i felt anything towards someone and im sure she felt it too but is just too scared or she was just acting the whole time and now shes lying to me

 

[ShySoul]

51 minutes ago, artist of fkups said:

she asked me to block her becasue i said i cant be friends with her cuz i see her in a different way.i couldnt block her so she did.

i just cant be friends with someone i have other intentions about.it will just hurt me even more and the distance thing is kinda bad too.idk man i want to keep trying with her but at the same time im kinda tired of making and idiot of myself for someone whos on and off with me.

Maybe shell come back maybe she wont well see

So understand that you are making this choice. She isn't wanting this, you are. She wants to be friends and be in touch with you. You are the one who had decided to avoid her. Which makes you just as avoidant in this situation as her. You are the one is calling yourself an idiot and thinking you have done something wrong or that it will be damaging to you. You are closing the door on her and expecting her to come to you. 

If you want to do this, know what you are doing and fully accept the consequences of your decision. Don't hold her to any standards or expectations. Don't be upset of frustrated with her behave if you choose to respond in kind.

It is actually pretty easy to be friends with someone who you feel more for. It isn't as complicated or confusing as most people make it into you. If the core of your relationship is a really deep friendship, then being friends is a great thing. It is something that can make both of you extremely happy because you know that being in each others life is better for both of you. I have been friends for years with someone I have feelings for. And she knows. But for various reason we can't be together. So we stay friends, because not being friends would hurt both of us too much. I love her enough to want her happiness, as she does for me. And being friends is what makes us happiest.

It would only be false hope or bad if you are intentionally using the friendship as a way to get back with her. But if it is just friendship for the sake of friendship, enjoying each others company because you just have fun doing it, then it's fine. You can be friends only and let the relationship part take care of itself in time.

[artist of fkups]

if its meant to be itll be why would i force doing something that hurts me and benefits her i mean i would understand if we lived closer and we could hang out from time to time but she said she doesnt want to see me when she comes to my city.So i dont think its my fault idk maybe im wrong tho

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

She probably got carried away with the online chatting and the novelty wore off once it was in person. There's also considerable geographical distance and she is not open to that as she might have initially thought.

It sucks but she has been clear that she doesn't want to advance things. Telling you to block her is a bit dramatic but I would consider it a glaring sign that she's very non-committal, flaky and is making things difficult for you right off the bat.

Don't make things difficult for yourself by indulging in unnecessary distress.

Before you get a heartache, unplug and move on.

Wishing you all the best.

I agree also many people change their minds after a first meet - the talk and typing beforehand is irrelevant mostly to whether there will be potential after a first meet to go on a real first date.  I also agree with Andrina to stick to local dating and why this person was willing to meet someone long distance.  I'm sorry you're disappointed!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, artist of fkups said:

ill just leave her alone i think thats the best thing that i can do i posted this cuz i was confused.

it was first time in a while that i felt anything towards someone and im sure she felt it too but is just too scared or she was just acting the whole time and now shes lying to me

 

If someone is that scared that they don't go on another date then that person is not available to date you as they are choosing fear over being close or potentially close. I don't think she was lying.  You and she were strangers for all dating and romantic purposes and she felt  what she felt the first time you met and later changed her mind for whatever reason - I wouldn't take it personally -you only met once.  

[ShySoul]

39 minutes ago, artist of fkups said:

if its meant to be itll be why would i force doing something that hurts me and benefits her i mean i would understand if we lived closer and we could hang out from time to time but she said she doesnt want to see me when she comes to my city.So i dont think its my fault idk maybe im wrong tho

Why do people have to even bring up words like fault or force? Why do we even think about things it terms of what hurts one and benefits another. If we see things in this manner, then we are always on guard and feeling the need to protect ourself. We block ourself off to possibilities because we are so focused on what could happen.

It's no one's fault. No one is forcing anything. Going with the flow and keeping the door open is all about not forcing things. It's letting this play out whatever way it was set to play out. But in not staying in touch, that is forcing things to end, possibly prematurely.

She both said she wanted to see you and not see you. The whole issue is that she has been unclear and has mixed feelings. This is focusing on the negative feelings and ignoring all the positive ones. Doing so means you only get the negative results and can't experience any of the positive ones. Maybe I'm the crazy one, put I'd rather experience both then just the negative.

I've tried not talking to someone and doing no contact. It hurt me more and damaged a good friendship. I kept talking to someone, and we both have benefitted over and over again for years. 

Your call. But in my experience, best to keep the lines of communication open. 

[artist of fkups]

but  how do i even bring something like that up now

after we both said what we said idk

seems like i would force her to talk to me when i alr said goodbye and she blocked me on instagram

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, artist of fkups said:

but  how do i even bring something like that up now

after we both said what we said idk

seems like i would force her to talk to me when i alr said goodbye and she blocked me on instagram

I would not try to contact this person again -you met once in person and the purpose of meeting was to see if you should date in real life.  Since she doesn't want to date you and you would like to date her please don't be in touch.  Take a don't know or I'm confused as a NO.  If she blocked  you she is showing you she wants no contact with you. Please please respect that .  I was the recipient of unwanted contact from men on dating sites back when I met men through online sites and it was not pleasant and sometimes really really creepy and icky.

[artist of fkups]

ofc i wont contact her im respecting her decision,i was explaining to that  guy shysoul that not everyone needs to stay friends 

 

[ShySoul]

Of course not everyone needs to stay friends. And I've said to do what you want to do and what is right for you.

What I'm saying is something to consider for the future. If you always feel the need to stop contacting people if things don't go just how you want it to, or to protect yourself from being hurt, then you'll end up missing out on some potentially awesome friendships and any number of potential possibilities. You never know when knowing someone might come in handy, not just romantically. I've seen people stay in touch with and they eventually introduce the person to someone else who is a romantic match. Or someone who give a lead on a job. In my book, you never intentionally shut the door on anyone.

And even if it was just meeting in person once, you talked to her for two months. Thats plenty of time to build a friendship and have feelings, romantic and otherwise. To decide to end things throws two months of apparently nice conversation aside. 

49 minutes ago, artist of fkups said:

but  how do i even bring something like that up now

after we both said what we said idk

seems like i would force her to talk to me when i alr said goodbye and she blocked me on instagram

She blocked you on everything? You can't call, text, email, or do anything? If that is the case, then don't do anything. But I doubt that. Someone that torn leaves some way to change her mind. All you do is say "Hi." It shows you aren't out to block her from your life and lets the door open just a crack. She can respond or not. You don't have to do anything else or expect anything else. You aren't forcing anything. You are leaving it up to her to decide what she wants. As it stands know, you told her to not talk to you. Which is asking and expecting more of her then simple saying hi to a person you've spoken to for months.

Do what you want. Just sharing that my experience in a case like this showed me that still talking to a person actually paid off more in the long run. Your experience may vary.

[ShySoul]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Take a don't know or I'm confused as a NO.  If she blocked  you she is showing you she wants no contact with you

She blocked him because he said he didn't want to talk to her. She also indicated that she was willing to keep talking and be friends, just that she wasn't ready for a relationship at this time. She didn't block him because she wanted it, but because he said he would block her and then couldn't do it for some reason.

And if I had taken an "I don't know" or "I'm confused" as a NO, I would have never got my first kiss. I didn't take it as a yes or a no. I took it as exactly as what it was, that she didn't know or was confused at that time. If I had stopped talking to her entirely, I would not have had my first love and I wouldn't have found an even better love after that. 

Every situation is different. Every pairing is different. To automatically say that the purpose of meeting was a date for a relationship and if the relationship didn't work out to then ignore the person is to deny so many other possibilities. Just trying to broaden people's mind to the idea that if you keep yourself open to the infinity of possibilities out there, you'll probably hit on some pretty good ones. Just takes travelling down the road less travelled.

[yogacat]

I'm all for keeping doors open but not when it's at the expense of your own feelings.

You sound like you really like her, and yes, maybe talking about the possibility of a relationship with her at this juncture is a bit premature, BUT you've met up with her once, you were into each other, and she said blatantly that she "just want to be friends." 

Maybe there was chemistry when you were face-to-face, and in the moment, but when the dust settled, she realized you aren't the guy for her - OR - she's a commitment-phobe - OR - she's 'not over an ex', 'isn't ready for a serious relationship', etc. There are plenty of valid reasons for her not wanting you around as more than a friend.

I don't think you'll stop liking her overnight, and maybe you'll never want to stop liking her, but you don't necessarily need to drag yourself over the coals with it either.

I suggest you put your 'friendship' on the back end of your mind - she not only stated her desire for such before (after you met), she mentioned you should block her (WHAT? Go figure...). I don't want you making contact and hurt when she doesn't reciprocate (again) for whatever reasons. 

I went on one date with a man a couple years ago and I did not feel romantically inclined to go on a second date with him and offered friendship. I really wished we could remain friends but he kept pushing for more.

So, to be in regular contact with him would have been unfair, knowing that staying in the romantic capacity wasn't going to happen. 

On the flip side, I dated someone for a couple months and I wanted to progress the relationship (he didn't) and I knew it was in my best interest to disentangle myself because being around him was hurtful knowing that he wasn't at the same place I was emotionally.

It's very hard when two people are on different pages to try to maintain any type of relationship. Hurt feelings/emotions only makes the difference between two people so much worse.

If you want to revisit her "friends only" invitation, perhaps you can unblock her down the road. But by that time, you'll both have probably already moved on.

[ShySoul]

Kind of depends on if it is causing you pain, or if you are running from being friends before you have even had a chance to experience that pain. If you have made a blanket rule and cut contact from the get go, how do you even know that it's hurting you?

Well, at least I'm not the only one who feels this way, just had to go to a different board to not be alone. Food for thought:

"Absolutely. If I'm into them romantically, then I already know we're good friends, which is plenty fulfilling enough personally. I love my friends, I'm grateful for their companionship. Anything else is just a bonus."

"People mean more to me than just what they have to offer me. Especially if I was interested in them romantically it means I trust them and care for them a lot. "

"Absolutely because id rather have them as a friend than not at all"

[MissCanuck]

Don't overconplicate this, OP. 

It's not worth the mental gymnastics. It's not worth keeping this person in your life. Just close communication and be done.