How do I get along with people that I know hate me?

[Enya77]

Most people tell me I need to get new friends. Though, the people I'm referring to aren't friends, they're often strangers and people I've never met before. This problem follows me around everywhere I go and I think it's me, but I can never find put what exactly I'm doing that's making people have such ugly feelings toward me.

Pretty much every person I meet is nice to my face and mean behind my back. They constantly talk bad about me and mock me for just being myself. This has happened to me since I was 11. The thing Is, I don't know how to get along with them. My reactions to disrepect are strong and I'm overcome wih anger. I either end up calling them out for it or just giving them dirty looks. I don't want to do this. I seem to take it personal every time. I feel like it's about me. I know they say that when people do that to you, it's about them, but I constantly beat myself up over it because it happens so much.

I really don't need that. I suffer with a mental illness and I often feel horrible enough as it is. It's hard to silence the voice inside me that makes these things bigger than they need to be.

I needed to vent and ask for some advice on how to maybe take this less personally?

I love my mom, but she always does some mean crap to me that is is constant reminder that she and my father don't like me. They talk badly about me. Today, while she was on the phone with my dad, she made an ugly, irritated face at him because I was in the room with her. She has done this many times and even called me ugly when I was very close by. I called her out on it and she said it was never directed at me, but I know it was.

I felt so mad, I couldn't focus on the task at hand. Sometimes I wonder how other people ignore it completely and never bring it up.

The thing is, I need the help of my mother. I struggle cognitively to remember information and I'm having memories of things that never happened. I used to be the smart kid and this is part of why I'm disabled. Lol. That's besides the point.

How do I calm down and deal with this the right way? Or think of it the right way.

[ShySoul]

Hey buddy. You knew I was going to respond, right? 😁

In the moment you feel that way, remind yourself the very things you wrote here. "I know they say that when people do that to you, it's about them." Don't take comments like that to heart. Step back and get away as much as possible. Take some deep breaths and remember that it's not about you. Half the time people speak it's really about all about them having the need to speak. It's about their insecurities. Even if it feels personal, you don't have to respond as such. Letting it get to you and upset you will only harm you. So acknowledge your feelings, realize there comments aren't true, and turn your thoughts to something more positive. 

I've also found the "kill them with kindness" idea works for me. I won't give them the satisfication of seeing me upset. Instead I'll just double down on being nice to them and showing they can't touch me. And I can usually get a laugh at how they respond or how silly there comments were in the first place.

Not a doctor, so not an expert. But as this seems to be a running theme, have you heard of a persecution complex? You say you have mental health issues. I think you said ADHD at one point (or I might be confusing you with someone else on here)? Perhaps this is a part of that and something to look into.

Whatever these people and voices say, I know you're not bad. You are simply you, and you seem like a neat person in my book. So don't let anyone or anything stop you from being happy with the unique person you are.

https://www.yourtango.com/self/signs-of-persecution-complex

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/personality-disorders/how-to-overcome-persecutory-delusions/

https://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/delusions-persecution

[Batya33]

How do you know they are talking about you? Is it possible you think they are but they are not/are referring to someone else? Maybe your mom was annoyed you were in the room when she was trying to have some me time/private conversation? I mean there are other ways  to deal but do you find that you don't pick up on social cues if someone needs space/wants private time/wants to end a conversation and move along whether in a store or on the sidewalk? 

Here's an example. I have a lovely neighbor named R. We've had some really nice conversations - somehow we  tend to run into each other while running errands which is unusual in our large city.  Sometimes we stop and chat sometimes not.

Some months ago I was trying to juggle take out food bags including my husband's favorite shake and I also had a bag with library books on my other arm and maybe even an umbrella -and all this and I had  to fish out my card access key to access our elevators.  I hear R behind me say hi and it sounded like she wanted to chat maybe - she absolutely didn't see all I was carrying because of where I was walking etc.  I tried to call back to her something like "sorry I have lots of bags to get upstairs" but I know she didn't hear me.  I felt badly.  And she might have thought -wow -how RUDE - and it's not the kind of thing where weeks later you can really bring it up.  Turned out fine. But just saying how it must have looked to her.  I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. 

I once got called out on FB because by accident I clicked on the haha emjoi instead of the "care" one.  Totally called out and in fact I'd realized too late and had gone back to edit.  Now - why in the world couldn't this person assume first I hadn't meant it -it would have been bizarrely mean to do "ha ha" to what she wrote.  So I apologized and added in - I clicked on the wrong emoji and I'm sorry.  Then a number of people commented that that had happened to them too, clicking wrong, not realizing.

I was accused once by a coworker at a past job of ccing our boss on an email - thing is -would have been totally fine for me to do so - wouldn't have been "tattling" etc - but the fact was -I had NOT done so.  And in that case to try to "prove it" to her likely would have made things worse in this particular situation.  So she assumed I was  trying to undermine her or get her in trouble by ccing a boss- her assumption was --- wrong. Her assumption upset her and upset me -for no reason.

Do any of these example ring true for you at all -the assumptions perhaps you are making?

[SophiaG]

4 hours ago, Enya77 said:

They talk badly about me. Today, while she was on the phone with my dad, she made an ugly, irritated face at him because I was in the room with her. She has done this many times and even called me ugly when I was very close by. I called her out on it and she said it was never directed at me, but I know it was.

How did you know your mom made a face at your dad (on the other end of the phone?) because of you? I don’t know you or your mom and there are certainly parents who don’t like their kid but what you said here also made me wonder if you indeed misheard her or took something personally when she didn’t mean it that way. What did she say exactly when she called you ugly? What are some other examples of your mom and dad talking badly about you? When you say other people talk bad behind your back, how did you know or did you just assume it?

[Enya77]

59 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

How did you know your mom made a face at your dad (on the other end of the phone?) because of you? I don’t know you or your mom and there are certainly parents who don’t like their kid but what you said here also made me wonder if you indeed misheard her or took something personally when she didn’t mean it that way. What did she say exactly when she called you ugly? What are some other examples of your mom and dad talking badly about you? When you say other people talk bad behind your back, how did you know or did you just assume it?

I don't assume. I've heard them say bad things about me in the next room. At dr.'s offices, I can hear them very clearly. They stand right outside my door and do it. As for my family, I've stood there and listened in at times because I got sucked into it. Most of the time, I overhear it. It's not very hard to hear it. Often, people do it on purpose so that I will hear it. Everyone says it's not possible, but this happens to me all the time. I don't hear voices either.

The most common thing I hear people say is that they don't like me. I've even been mentioned by name.

[Enya77]

57 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

How did you know your mom made a face at your dad (on the other end of the phone?) because of you? I don’t know you or your mom and there are certainly parents who don’t like their kid but what you said here also made me wonder if you indeed misheard her or took something personally when she didn’t mean it that way. What did she say exactly when she called you ugly? What are some other examples of your mom and dad talking badly about you? When you say other people talk bad behind your back, how did you know or did you just assume it?

My mom was on video call with my dad.

[Enya77]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How do you know they are talking about you? Is it possible you think they are but they are not/are referring to someone else? Maybe your mom was annoyed you were in the room when she was trying to have some me time/private conversation? I mean there are other ways  to deal but do you find that you don't pick up on social cues if someone needs space/wants private time/wants to end a conversation and move along whether in a store or on the sidewalk? 

Here's an example. I have a lovely neighbor named R. We've had some really nice conversations - somehow we  tend to run into each other while running errands which is unusual in our large city.  Sometimes we stop and chat sometimes not.

Some months ago I was trying to juggle take out food bags including my husband's favorite shake and I also had a bag with library books on my other arm and maybe even an umbrella -and all this and I had  to fish out my card access key to access our elevators.  I hear R behind me say hi and it sounded like she wanted to chat maybe - she absolutely didn't see all I was carrying because of where I was walking etc.  I tried to call back to her something like "sorry I have lots of bags to get upstairs" but I know she didn't hear me.  I felt badly.  And she might have thought -wow -how RUDE - and it's not the kind of thing where weeks later you can really bring it up.  Turned out fine. But just saying how it must have looked to her.  I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. 

I once got called out on FB because by accident I clicked on the haha emjoi instead of the "care" one.  Totally called out and in fact I'd realized too late and had gone back to edit.  Now - why in the world couldn't this person assume first I hadn't meant it -it would have been bizarrely mean to do "ha ha" to what she wrote.  So I apologized and added in - I clicked on the wrong emoji and I'm sorry.  Then a number of people commented that that had happened to them too, clicking wrong, not realizing.

I was accused once by a coworker at a past job of ccing our boss on an email - thing is -would have been totally fine for me to do so - wouldn't have been "tattling" etc - but the fact was -I had NOT done so.  And in that case to try to "prove it" to her likely would have made things worse in this particular situation.  So she assumed I was  trying to undermine her or get her in trouble by ccing a boss- her assumption was --- wrong. Her assumption upset her and upset me -for no reason.

Do any of these example ring true for you at all -the assumptions perhaps you are making?

That makes a lot of sense and I've done that before. Sometimes I do take things that are innocent and think they were insults directed at me. I've done something exactly like that multiple times too.

[Enya77]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Hey buddy. You knew I was going to respond, right? 😁

In the moment you feel that way, remind yourself the very things you wrote here. "I know they say that when people do that to you, it's about them." Don't take comments like that to heart. Step back and get away as much as possible. Take some deep breaths and remember that it's not about you. Half the time people speak it's really about all about them having the need to speak. It's about their insecurities. Even if it feels personal, you don't have to respond as such. Letting it get to you and upset you will only harm you. So acknowledge your feelings, realize there comments aren't true, and turn your thoughts to something more positive. 

I've also found the "kill them with kindness" idea works for me. I won't give them the satisfication of seeing me upset. Instead I'll just double down on being nice to them and showing they can't touch me. And I can usually get a laugh at how they respond or how silly there comments were in the first place.

Not a doctor, so not an expert. But as this seems to be a running theme, have you heard of a persecution complex? You say you have mental health issues. I think you said ADHD at one point (or I might be confusing you with someone else on here)? Perhaps this is a part of that and something to look into.

Whatever these people and voices say, I know you're not bad. You are simply you, and you seem like a neat person in my book. So don't let anyone or anything stop you from being happy with the unique person you are.

https://www.yourtango.com/self/signs-of-persecution-complex

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/personality-disorders/how-to-overcome-persecutory-delusions/

https://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/delusions-persecution

Hi Shysoul! I agree. Especially on the anger part. I'm only poisoning myself with that anger. That definitely isn't good for me. The persecution thing, I am going to look into. That just might be what's happening.

 

[Seraphim]

I can promise you that people 99.9% of the time are thinking of themselves and their own life . 

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, Enya77 said:

I don't assume. I've heard them say bad things about me in the next room. At dr.'s offices, I can hear them very clearly. They stand right outside my door and do it. As for my family, I've stood there and listened in at times because I got sucked into it. Most of the time, I overhear it. It's not very hard to hear it. Often, people do it on purpose so that I will hear it. Everyone says it's not possible, but this happens to me all the time. I don't hear voices either.

The most common thing I hear people say is that they don't like me. I've even been mentioned by name.

What exact words and what has happened right before you overhear this with your name?  

[MissCanuck]

16 hours ago, Enya77 said:

Sometimes I do take things that are innocent and think they were insults directed at me. I've done something exactly like that multiple times too.

Could that not also be the case here? 

It is very unlikely that so many people are you to get you, Enya. 

[catfeeder]

22 hours ago, Enya77 said:

That makes a lot of sense and I've done that before. Sometimes I do take things that are innocent and think they were insults directed at me. I've done something exactly like that multiple times too.

This ^^^ is a great observation. I think most of us have done this at one time or another.

It may be helpful to remember this, maybe even copy your words above to keep with you to remind yourself. So next time you believe people are speaking badly of you, take out your words, read them, and decide that it's easier to assume that you're just making the same mistake now. Maybe this can help you to move past it and remain kind, regardless of what other people do.

Also, I live in an apartment surrounded by noisy neighbors and kids playing outside. So I wear earphones a lot. I stay focused on my podcasts or audio books or music or tv shows as I do housework. I also pair them with my phone and listen while I walk outside or sit in a doctor's office or shop for groceries. I'm still able to hear people if they speak to me directly, and I can unplug one ear, but otherwise, I operate in my own world and nobody disturbs me.

Head high!

[Enya77]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Could that not also be the case here? 

It is very unlikely that so many people are you to get you, Enya. 

I'm sorry. I hate disagreeing with people. It's the part of me that feels it needs to walk on eggshells in order to avoid upsetting people, but I can't bring myself to believe that. I've heard these people talk about me and very badly. Many times I was close by. People just hate me for some reason. I don't know why. I can believe the emails and texts things, but this just keeps happening.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Enya77 said:

I'm sorry. I hate disagreeing with people. It's the part of me that feels it needs to walk on eggshells in order to avoid upsetting people, but I can't bring myself to believe that. I've heard these people talk about me and very badly. Many times I was close by. People just hate me for some reason. I don't know why. I can believe the emails and texts things, but this just keeps happening.

When you walk on eggshells how does that look - how do you interact to "avoid upsetting" people- that might explain partly at least why people react badly.  For example let's say I inadvertently go ahead of someone in the checkout line.  The person then is upset with me thinking I did it intentionally. So I then gush all over them "OMG!!!! I'm so so sorry I made that mistake I hate myself for doing that - can you pleeeease forgive me????" Or by contrast I can say "I'm very sorry I went in front of you.  I did not see you standing there. Please- go ahead.  Have a good day."  

Why assume you have to walk on eggshells? Life involves ups and downs, some people get upset because they're having a bad day.  I upset someone a long time ago because she assumed I cc'd our boss on an email.  I did not.  She was wrong.  I couldn't prove I hadn't so -oh well -she was upset with me.  Life goes on.  I've been upset with people who - say they will call and don't, who don't show appreciation or show it sufficiently when I go out of my way and do a favor, who make judgey comments about my parenting choices.  That's part of interacting with people but I move on and if it's that bad I create boundaries or choose not to be in contact depending on what happened.

My sense is people don't hate you - especially if they don't know you but it's possible they express annoyance with you and maybe not in nice ways. That is why I want to know how you focus on walking on eggshells to avoid "upsetting" people.  How you do it might come across as annoying/disruptive/overwhelming.  

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, Enya77 said:

I'm sorry. I hate disagreeing with people. It's the part of me that feels it needs to walk on eggshells in order to avoid upsetting people, but I can't bring myself to believe that. I've heard these people talk about me and very badly. Many times I was close by. People just hate me for some reason. I don't know why. I can believe the emails and texts things, but this just keeps happening.

If this is the story you tell yourself, and you're sticking to it no matter what, then how can we help you? Maybe this explains why you're bypassing some suggestions I've offered to you for mitigating conflicts.

What, exactly, ARE you willing to do to solve your problem?

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, Enya77 said:

I've heard these people talk about me and very badly.

Which people, and what exactly did they say? 

[yogacat]

What I am hearing is that you maybe assume the worst of everyone and if your mother is abusive then this is just fueling your inability to deal with life.

You can tell pretty quickly whether or not a person is in your corner if you read between the lines.

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this with your mom and with people in general. That's really tough and it takes a toll on anyone!

I was bullied a lot in high school and my reactions were really similar to yours. I haven't been able to stop my initial reaction (which is freeze up, feel intense anger, and have lots of thoughts racing through my head), but I have been able to find ways to calm myself and work out my anger in healthier ways. 

The thing is, you may look at people who can just brush it off and think it's a wonderful thing, but I bet a lot of people don't brush it off as easily as you think they do. They've just learned not to take everything so personally, which is what I think you're struggling with. Sorry if I'm wrong...

The fact is, sometimes people are just going to be jerks. The best approach is to assume the best of people and read between the lines. The second best approach is to try your best to not let it get you down. Accept that people laugh at each other, mock each other, and even are just virally stupid and naive at times.

[Enya77]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

When you walk on eggshells how does that look - how do you interact to "avoid upsetting" people- that might explain partly at least why people react badly.  For example let's say I inadvertently go ahead of someone in the checkout line.  The person then is upset with me thinking I did it intentionally. So I then gush all over them "OMG!!!! I'm so so sorry I made that mistake I hate myself for doing that - can you pleeeease forgive me????" Or by contrast I can say "I'm very sorry I went in front of you.  I did not see you standing there. Please- go ahead.  Have a good day."  

Why assume you have to walk on eggshells? Life involves ups and downs, some people get upset because they're having a bad day.  I upset someone a long time ago because she assumed I cc'd our boss on an email.  I did not.  She was wrong.  I couldn't prove I hadn't so -oh well -she was upset with me.  Life goes on.  I've been upset with people who - say they will call and don't, who don't show appreciation or show it sufficiently when I go out of my way and do a favor, who make judgey comments about my parenting choices.  That's part of interacting with people but I move on and if it's that bad I create boundaries or choose not to be in contact depending on what happened.

My sense is people don't hate you - especially if they don't know you but it's possible they express annoyance with you and maybe not in nice ways. That is why I want to know how you focus on walking on eggshells to avoid "upsetting" people.  How you do it might come across as annoying/disruptive/overwhelming.  

I choose my words carefully to avoid upsetting them or I try to say as little as possible because sometimes I sound rude in my tone, but I don't think the rideness in my tone is what causes them to get so irritated by me. I don't have to speak and people instantly start attacking and berating me. Maybe It's how I'm always quiet. Often, I'm too shy to talk for fear of being laughed at or judged which happens a lot. It's either they start criticizing me with hate in their voice or mocking.

[Enya77]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

If this is the story you tell yourself, and you're sticking to it no matter what, then how can we help you? Maybe this explains why you're bypassing some suggestions I've offered to you for mitigating conflicts.

What, exactly, ARE you willing to do to solve your problem?

I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to find ways to accept it and myself better, but it seems that's not working. Everytime this happens, I question myself. I have an extreme emotional reaction to the point where my old therapist diagnosed me with a disorder or something that basically said I react to things with extreme emotions. Basically another way to say overreacting.

I don't know how to nelieve anything else when this is what I've experienced my whole life.

[Enya77]

6 hours ago, yogacat said:

What I am hearing is that you maybe assume the worst of everyone and if your mother is abusive then this is just fueling your inability to deal with life.

You can tell pretty quickly whether or not a person is in your corner if you read between the lines.

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this with your mom and with people in general. That's really tough and it takes a toll on anyone!

I was bullied a lot in high school and my reactions were really similar to yours. I haven't been able to stop my initial reaction (which is freeze up, feel intense anger, and have lots of thoughts racing through my head), but I have been able to find ways to calm myself and work out my anger in healthier ways. 

The thing is, you may look at people who can just brush it off and think it's a wonderful thing, but I bet a lot of people don't brush it off as easily as you think they do. They've just learned not to take everything so personally, which is what I think you're struggling with. Sorry if I'm wrong...

The fact is, sometimes people are just going to be jerks. The best approach is to assume the best of people and read between the lines. The second best approach is to try your best to not let it get you down. Accept that people laugh at each other, mock each other, and even are just virally stupid and naive at times.

That's probably what's happening. I guess I can never see how they handle it because they're good at hiding it. This gives me better insight to this. Thank you.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Enya77 said:

I choose my words carefully to avoid upsetting them or I try to say as little as possible because sometimes I sound rude in my tone, but I don't think the rideness in my tone is what causes them to get so irritated by me. I don't have to speak and people instantly start attacking and berating me. Maybe It's how I'm always quiet. Often, I'm too shy to talk for fear of being laughed at or judged which happens a lot. It's either they start criticizing me with hate in their voice or mocking.

Rude tone obviously doesn't go over well.  And are you silent when you are supposed  to speak? Do you have a rude or mean look on your face?

[Enya77]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Rude tone obviously doesn't go over well.  And are you silent when you are supposed  to speak? Do you have a rude or mean look on your face?

I think that my face just looks mean. My resting face has a frown. Doesn't help that native people look serious. I can look that way too. I never really smile. It's hard to be honest. I speak only when someone else speaks to me. I can't joke with other people, well, joke back at least because my delivery is poor and I end up embarassing myself, sometimes they give the weirdest look if I try.

I'm not sure If my tone is always rude, but I know of some instances where I tried to change vocal inflections and my voice came out too strong or serious sounding. This happens with jokes and people don't laugh if I joke back. Like if they're jokingly being sarcastic or cocky, I'll try to be the same way back and I've had instances where It came out sounding incredibly rude, a major reason I avoid joking back at all costs. So when someone jokes, I just laugh at it.

Not only that, but I'm always incredibly stiff and netvous around other people. I have extreme social anxiety from years of isolating. My bipolar had caused some of that too. So, there's a lot wrong.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Enya77 said:

I think that my face just looks mean. My resting face has a frown. Doesn't help that native people look serious. I can look that way too. I never really smile. It's hard to be honest. I speak only when someone else speaks to me. I can't joke with other people, well, joke back at least because my delivery is poor and I end up embarassing myself, sometimes they give the weirdest look if I try.

I'm not sure If my tone is always rude, but I know of some instances where I tried to change vocal inflections and my voice came out too strong or serious sounding. This happens with jokes and people don't laugh if I joke back. Like if they're jokingly being sarcastic or cocky, I'll try to be the same way back and I've had instances where It came out sounding incredibly rude, a major reason I avoid joking back at all costs. So when someone jokes, I just laugh at it.

Not only that, but I'm always incredibly stiff and netvous around other people. I have extreme social anxiety from years of isolating. My bipolar had caused some of that too. So, there's a lot wrong.

I'm so sorry you have such challenges.  For sure in a perfect world people would cut you slack/give you grace but if you are behaving this way in public there will be people who react badly to it - I don't like being around people who look mean, I don't like being spoken to in a rude way.  I also limit sarcasm to people I know well and I don't do cutting or biting sarcasm with rare exception -my sister and I do that because that is how we joke around and tease each other but we've been very close for 45 years plus.  We never take it the wrong way ever and I would never try that on anyone else except maybe our mom lol! I don't talk behind someone's back if they are rude but I can understand why some people might. 

The other day I tried to be friendly to a cashier I see regularly at my market.  I said "I saw your photo in the photos outside about the volunteer project you all did - it's a grreat photo and it was great to see that you all did that project" -like that.  She perfunctorily said thanks -no smile- looked negative.  I thought that was really rude. I cut slack as in I guess she's having a bad day.  BUT I will never ever again try to give her any sort of compliment.  I will be polite and thank her if she is my cashier and that. is. it.  I think that's fine on my part.  

Agan I am sorry about your challenges with social skills and your challenging childhood. I don't think people should talk behind your back but perhaps they are so put off/surprised by your rude tone or mean looks they sort of vent to who they are with at the time.

[Enya77]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm so sorry you have such challenges.  For sure in a perfect world people would cut you slack/give you grace but if you are behaving this way in public there will be people who react badly to it - I don't like being around people who look mean, I don't like being spoken to in a rude way.  I also limit sarcasm to people I know well and I don't do cutting or biting sarcasm with rare exception -my sister and I do that because that is how we joke around and tease each other but we've been very close for 45 years plus.  We never take it the wrong way ever and I would never try that on anyone else except maybe our mom lol! I don't talk behind someone's back if they are rude but I can understand why some people might. 

The other day I tried to be friendly to a cashier I see regularly at my market.  I said "I saw your photo in the photos outside about the volunteer project you all did - it's a grreat photo and it was great to see that you all did that project" -like that.  She perfunctorily said thanks -no smile- looked negative.  I thought that was really rude. I cut slack as in I guess she's having a bad day.  BUT I will never ever again try to give her any sort of compliment.  I will be polite and thank her if she is my cashier and that. is. it.  I think that's fine on my part.  

Agan I am sorry about your challenges with social skills and your challenging childhood. I don't think people should talk behind your back but perhaps they are so put off/surprised by your rude tone or mean looks they sort of vent to who they are with at the time.

That's probably it. I always tried to understand that if I was behaving this way involuntarily that that's the type of reaction I can expect it to elicit in others. I still react the way I do. I genuinely can't help it.aybe I should tty yo give myself grace, but this problem always finds a way to nag at me.

[Cherylyn]

I would just be polite but not talk too much.  I'd keep all interactions brief and respectful.  In other words,  do the bare minimum for the sake of peace.  This is what I do with unavoidable difficult people in my life.