Fed up, jealous and lonely!

[RJB]

Hello. I'm a 32 year old guy (in England). I got divorced 4 years ago from my ex wife who is also the mother of our two children. I have my children just about every weekend and one night during the week, which is amazing. But since we split up, I've not really ever had much luck in the dating scene. I've had a few dates here and there (not had a single date now for over a year) and the longest anything has lasted since our divorce was for about 6 weeks a couple of years ago.

 My friends are all in relationships, one recently got married, 2 others are getting married next year etc. 

I've never been very confident and so meeting people has always been a struggle. All the girls I've dated (including my ex wife) were all via dating apps. I'm on just about every app you can imagine but just never match with anyone. 

I'm a nice guy, funny, caring and not just after sex etc. I just don't know how to meet anyone and this is really starting to get me down now. I'll be 33 in a couple of months, been single for 4 years with barely any dates, and I just don't see how things will ever change! 

I work full time and don't have much free time so getting new hobbies etc isn't feasible, I just don't know how to change things!

[Batya33]

When I was in my 30s in the dating scene and worked way more than full time and unpredictable hours (but no kids!) I found volunteer work was a good way to meet people.  And several of my friends met dates/long term partners volunteering backstage in church or community theater.  You seem like a thoughtful and well intentioned person with a lot on his plate between working full time and being a dad with two kids -so yes it is hard! I wish you luck and all the best.

[ShySoul]

Easiest way to change something is to stop doing what hasn't been working. If you've been on apps for years and don't match with people, stop the apps. If dating isn't getting you anywhere, don't date. If you aren't spending the time invested in something that isn't paying off, you suddenly become more open and have more time for something else.

It may seem counter to your goal, but the best way to find love is to not look for it. Instead, focus on you. Carve out time for you. Find something that will make you happy. Sport, hobby, volunteer... doesn't matter what. Just make sure it is something you enjoy and which will refresh and energize you. If you are having fun, then you don't have the time to feel as lonely. You build up a natural confidence as you do something that you like and are good at. That creates a ripple effect of positivity in your life. You aren't jealous (ok, not as jealous) of friends because you have your own thing that makes you happy. Your overall attiude and mental health improves.

That positive attitude can then be contagious. It can help attract someone to you. And if you are doing a hobby with others, then you can naturally meet and get to know people without the all the stresses and expectations of being in dating situations. Things can develop as they develop rather then feeling the need to make them happen so you don't miss out.

Any time I've experienced love it came without me looking for it. I just focused on being happy with myself and living my life. And that lead to some wonderful experiences, both relationship wise and just in general.

And 33 is still young. Odds are you have plenty of time to find that right person. It'll happen for you. Good luck.

[smackie9]

Update your appearance. It's hotly competitive out there so you want to stand out in some way and the easiest is to get a makeover and a new wardrobe. Looking sharp, gives you confidence and a little swagger. Not gonna lie cuz I do this too, but the majority of women check out the shoes. 

[RJB]

41 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Easiest way to change something is to stop doing what hasn't been working. If you've been on apps for years and don't match with people, stop the apps. If dating isn't getting you anywhere, don't date. If you aren't spending the time invested in something that isn't paying off, you suddenly become more open and have more time for something else.

It may seem counter to your goal, but the best way to find love is to not look for it. Instead, focus on you. Carve out time for you. Find something that will make you happy. Sport, hobby, volunteer... doesn't matter what. Just make sure it is something you enjoy and which will refresh and energize you. If you are having fun, then you don't have the time to feel as lonely. You build up a natural confidence as you do something that you like and are good at. That creates a ripple effect of positivity in your life. You aren't jealous (ok, not as jealous) of friends because you have your own thing that makes you happy. Your overall attiude and mental health improves.

That positive attitude can then be contagious. It can help attract someone to you. And if you are doing a hobby with others, then you can naturally meet and get to know people without the all the stresses and expectations of being in dating situations. Things can develop as they develop rather then feeling the need to make them happen so you don't miss out.

Any time I've experienced love it came without me looking for it. I just focused on being happy with myself and living my life. And that lead to some wonderful experiences, both relationship wise and just in general.

And 33 is still young. Odds are you have plenty of time to find that right person. It'll happen for you. Good luck.

Thank you for your reply and advice. 

I know that getting new hobbies etc would be a massive step for me in terms of mental health, feeling more fulfilled in life and just generally being much happier. But withy complete black of finances (child maintenance, living costs and rent alone acres me up haha) I just don't have any money to take on new activities and even if I did, I really don't know what I'd chose to do! Plus the fact I have pretty limited time and I just don't see myself being able to take up anything sadly. I know the more I speak on here, the less of a catch I sound haha, but I do like to think that I have some positive things to give to someone. I'm not good looking (I look like I'm about 16!) which doesn't help obviously as women will never find me physically attractive but I like to think that if people were to give me a chance I could make someone happy! For a while I was fine being alone, I have my children and see my friends (only 4 or 5 of them) occasionally but that was good enough for me and I was happy. But the longer it's been without meeting anybody, the lower my mood has become and it's got to the point where I'm always feeling down and lack any kind of energy or desire in life, which I then worry will affect my children eventually, although I never let them see me feeling like this and when I have them I always put them first and make sure they're happy and doing fun things. 

It's even things like my job. It's minimum wage, dead end job with no hope of any progression there, and there's only 9 of us who work there, so even meeting new people at work is impossible. But I can't get a job elsewhere as I have a schedule set by the courts where I have my children (long story but my ex tried taking the girls away from me for no reason so I took her to court to get joint custody orders) and the times I have the girls mean my working shifts are all over the place so no other employer would accept it, and my current boss changed my shifts around to suit me so I'm kind of stuck for a while!

It just feels my opportunities to meet people and make a happy future with someone are dwindling all the time and I should get used to the fact that this is how my life is, but I really don't want that for myself!

[Andrina]

Sorry to say, but a woman in your age group is not going to be happy that you have zero weekends free to date her, unless she doesn't have weekends off from work, herself.

Can I ask you what time you leave for work and what time you arrive home on weekdays? How do you have time in the evening on that one weekday when your kids are with you, yet the other weekday nights you can't spare a few hours once or twice during a week for a hobby/interest?

It's a given your kids are a priority, but your own needs are important as well. Would it be possible for you to change the custody arrangements that one weekend per month is one where your wife keeps them, allowing you time to get out into the world? 

In the meantime, read some articles/ books on how to gain some self-worth and confidence. If you don't have time to join a gym, there are some streaming sites on TV or the computer with plenty of exercise programs. You can by a few inexpensive items like hand weights and stretch bands, etc.

You might ask your friends if they can spread the word to their girlfriends and wives that if they have any single friends, you're interested in meeting them in either a group activity you could be included in, or photos can initially be exchanged.

I hope you won't come back with more excuses after receiving plenty of advice. Change, though daunting, is better than living in a safe bubble of loneliness.

[ShySoul]

Doesn't sound like a dating issue. Sounds like you need need a boost of confidence in accepting yourself. You are a catch, and the more you think otherwise, more detrimental it will be for your future and prospects.

20 minutes ago, RJB said:

I'm not good looking (I look like I'm about 16!) which doesn't help obviously as women will never find me physically attractive

One woman who did find me attractive and loved me would joke with me about how young I look. I'm 41 and I think she may finally admit to me looking like I'm in my mid twenties. It didn't matter to her. She liked me, all of me. When you like someone, it's not about how you look or what you wear. That is superficial. A person should like you for the person you are, for who you are inside. If they like that, then they will find themselves attracted on the outside. 

There is also someone who is into pretty much every look. You don't need to look a particular way, just look like you. Someone will like it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's all subjective anyway. So don't stress about it. Believe in yourself. Don't give a thought to how you look, focus on who you are. I won't be posing for any photo shoots any time soon. I dress casual and have never been to a gym. I look young for my age. So what. Plenty of women have found me physically attractive. One even left a note on my door wanting to talk to me based solely on seeing me coming and going from my apartment.  Trust me, anything is possible and however you look will be fine.

30 minutes ago, RJB said:

I just don't have any money to take on new activities and even if I did, I really don't know what I'd chose to do

At least in my area there are free or cheap events all the time. There are concerts in the park, free museum days, cultural festivals... all kinds of things. A friend likes to hike the many trials in the area. All that costs is an investment in a good pair of shoes. Get a basketball and shot hoops at a park. Find a rec center and go for a swim. Go to a library and join a book club. Find a group that likes to stream anime. Really, the possibilities are endless, and they don't have to be expensive. The important thing is to figure out something that makes you happy and do it.

36 minutes ago, RJB said:

But the longer it's been without meeting anybody, the lower my mood has become and it's got to the point where I'm always feeling down and lack any kind of energy or desire in life, which I then worry will affect my children eventually, although I never let them see me feeling like this and when I have them I always put them first and make sure they're happy and doing fun things. 

That right there is something to be proud of and something that does make you a catch. You are a loving and caring father. You want the best for them and to see them be happy and having fun. Women have told me they find that attractive. They see a person good with children and know this is someone with a good heart and isn't as likely to hurt them. So see your strengths instead of focusing on perceived weaknesses.

The concern is the excuse. I understand how difficult it is to keep going when it seems like you will never have someone. But in giving up and lacking a desire to live for yourself you guarantee the very thing that is making you depressed. It becomes a cycle and drains you of any hope. But you make the choice each day. You can decide to pick yourself up and not be like that. You can decide to try and do anything you want to. It just takes you getting up and actually doing it. You don't need books, articles, or anything else. You just need to pick something to do and do it. It can be small. Talk a walk every night after dinner. Get the energy up and show yourself you can do it. Then branch out into something else that interests you.

46 minutes ago, RJB said:

It just feels my opportunities to meet people and make a happy future with someone are dwindling all the time and I should get used to the fact that this is how my life is, but I really don't want that for myself!

All things are temporary. Just because this is the situation today, is no guarantee things will be the same tomorrow or six months from now. You could meet someone randomly at the grocery store and suddenly find yourself swept away. No one knows the future. If you convince yourself this is all there is and you are doomed, then you will find a way to make it happen. If you keep yourself open to possibilities and take things as they come, then the sky is the limit. Perception really does shape reality.

You are so down on yourself right now that dates and relationships should not be the focus. As much as you might want that connection (and I know how painful it is to be without one), you need to love yourself first. Don't do things to try to meet someone, that will just put more pressure on you and make you feel worse. What you need is to value yourself and become happy with your own life as it is. When you can do that, you will see that these fears of being lonely aren't worth it. 

[RJB]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Sorry to say, but a woman in your age group is not going to be happy that you have zero weekends free to date her, unless she doesn't have weekends off from work, herself.

Can I ask you what time you leave for work and what time you arrive home on weekdays? How do you have time in the evening on that one weekday when your kids are with you, yet the other weekday nights you can't spare a few hours once or twice during a week for a hobby/interest?

It's a given your kids are a priority, but your own needs are important as well. Would it be possible for you to change the custody arrangements that one weekend per month is one where your wife keeps them, allowing you time to get out into the world? 

In the meantime, read some articles/ books on how to gain some self-worth and confidence. If you don't have time to join a gym, there are some streaming sites on TV or the computer with plenty of exercise programs. You can by a few inexpensive items like hand weights and stretch bands, etc.

You might ask your friends if they can spread the word to their girlfriends and wives that if they have any single friends, you're interested in meeting them in either a group activity you could be included in, or photos can initially be exchanged.

I hope you won't come back with more excuses after receiving plenty of advice. Change, though daunting, is better than living in a safe bubble of loneliness.

In regards to work, I start everyday at 7am and finish between 5 and 6pm every except on Wednesdays and Fridays where I leave at 2.30 to collect my children from school. I do usually meet up with a friend on a Monday evening for a bite to eat and a beer down the local pub and occasionally meet up with my (only) female friend on a Thursday for a drink (she's a good 15 or so years older than me though so doesn't have any suitable single friends 😅). 

The arrangement that I have with the courts is actually for me to have the children three weekends in every 4, so I do have one free weekend a month roughly. I'm a big football (soccer for any Americans reading!) fan and have a season ticket for my local side, where I go with my friend and my dad (we've been going together since I was 5) and that's my biggest interest/hobby outside of my children. 

I've asked all my mates if their partners have single friends who I could possibly be introduced too but it's never happened! 

It may sound like I do t have much to e for dating with my work and children etc, but if I were to start talking to someone, I would always find the time to meet and date. In the past when I have managed to date, I've arranged to meet in evenings or even on play dates with mine and their children at the local soft play area where the children played me me and my date just sat and chatted with a coffee! If I could start talking to someone, then arranging dates isn't an issue, I'm good at planning things haha, but it's getting to the talking stage in the first place that I don't seem to be able to achieve! 

[Andrina]

I just Googled and see that Meetup.com activity groups exist in England. Nice that you regularly get together with your dad and friends, but none of this is conducive to meeting any single ladies. If you have regular time on Monday and Thursday nights to meet with friends, you have an occasional week night to participate in a Meetup.com group activity. Try that as a supplement to OLD. I tried a few groups in addition to OLD when I was single and really enjoyed meeting new people and it got me out of the house and away from the computer. You might also look into taking dance lessons. I briefly dated a guy I met taking East Coast Swing dance lessons which were followed by a dance with a live band.

[ShySoul]

Live for yourself, be yourself, be happy with who you are and the rest will fall into place. Do things you want to do, not for anyone else or with expectations of meeting anyone, for any purpose. 

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-find-real-lasting-love-without-looking-for-it/

"This may sound counterintuitive, but it’s exactly how I met my husband. I stopped looking for “the one” after a two-year relationship ended, which I had believed was the one. I decided to turn my attention inward—to get to know and accept myself, to heal past wounds, and to explore and develop new parts of myself.

Previously, I needed to be with someone in order to feel content, to have someone love me in order to feel loved. Breaking up with past boyfriends was so painful because it felt as if I was breaking up, as if I was being torn from a part of myself.

What I discovered was that I had to learn to be whole. And when I started to work on that, my life changed."

[Batya33]

I agree with the dance lessons -I'd suggested volunteer work which requires time but not $ - how about that? I like Andrina's practical suggestions a lot, as well.