My (ex) love?

[Nejla]

Hi everyone. Its like the Second time in my life Im doing this - posting my feelings online in seek for support. 

3 years ago I met my boyfriend and fell in love with him. He is a very talented musician and the moment he started singing to me, I wanted him mine. However our relationship wasnt the most romantic thing, because he had many mental health issues, like he got often paranoied over silly things, he had major panic attacks that made him literally paralized, anxiety, plus he was taking helexu each night for sleeping cuz he couldnt sleep at night . 

His issues were consequences of bad breakup with exes, his childhood and his oversensitivity. 

Anyways I started to feel heavy myself, soon I suffered from panic attacks and anxiety too. I know for sure that partly this was a consequence of my last breakup but I always felt it is connected also to my boyfriend, since I must say I am a person who easily and quickly absorbs other people's energy. 

If there werent mental health issues we would be great couple, we have many common things,. We used to play and song together.. I love his energy and charisma. 

This year he quit his job to take some time off for himself - he spet half year in our flat and later on I found out that was the time he started taking drugs. He explained to me that he learnt drugs could help him in small doses to overcome his depression, but eventually he started abusing them and things got out of control.

As a rock star he used to drink alcohol since young age and continued ever since.. At least 2 beers per day. 

Eventually it came to the point I couldnt take it anymore and so I moved out of our flat. His alcohol and drug a use worsened also cuz he was losing me so he decided he will go to a rehab. 

Now he is in a rehab and will stay there for 4 months.

He once told me he always had a feeling that I dont really want him to be my life partner. And he kinda had right, he was too irresponsible and unstable at times. 

Before going to a rehab he told me he needs my support and love more then ever. He needs to have hope that when he gets out I will be there waiting for him. 

Now when in rehab our contact is limited we only hear each other once per week on phone. 

My feelings now are mixed. I love him so much and I cant immagine to let him go, but on the other hand my mental health got better now while im away from him. He wants to prove me he will overcome his alcohol addiction and try hard to win me back. 

I dont know what to do. Help

[Batya33]

What I would do is be there for him remotely-at a distance -as a supportive friend.  Maybe offer to make a phone call on his behalf like for insurance or other resources - and continue that when he is released. Then I would wait for him to be sober at least a year before even considering dating him and maybe go to a few Alanon meetings and ask there how long -if a year is enough,  If  you're that connected and meant to be  you will be equally meant to be then.

[ShySoul]

Be a friend. No matter what happened in the past or may happen in the future, you do seem to care about him. You do think of him as friend. And friends are there for each other and are supportive in the rough times. 

You don't have to decide what you will be or define anything right now. Don't pressure yourself to do so. Just take it day by day and be supportive and understanding. Help him through his problems by showing you care about him and want him to be happy and safe. That is what he needs right now. And that is all you are in a position to offer.

Your mental health is better because of the person he was. The person he will be may be very different, one that won't hurt you so deeply. It is possible that once he is well, he will become the person he wants to be and you can have that relationship without all the stress and anxiety. It is also possible that you won't be able to get back to where you were. There is no way to tell. So just focus on what you can do in the present and let the future attend to itself.

He needs to regain your trust and prove himself. That takes time. Be honest with him. You care about him, but you can't make any guarantees or promises. You are willing to see what happens and want to be friends. In time you can revisit things. For now, just follow your heart and do what you feel is right for both of you.

[Andrina]

I think you'll get a lot more insight from skilled people in the know at NarAnon and AlAnon meetings. I have heard that once released, they are supposed to not take on anything new like a getting a pet, start to date, buy a new house, etc. Because though those things have a lot of pros, lots of stress normally accompanies those things, and the recovering addict needs to concentrate solely on themselves and retaining sobriety.

I know my cousin has been sober for many years and remember his sister telling their Mom, "Don't offer to help him with things like putting up new curtains in his place. If he wants help and asks you for help, yes you can assist." What that was about, I don't know, but she'd learned it from attending AlAnon meetings.

Don't feel guilty if you choose to move on and not reconnect with him. I'm glad he's doing what's best for himself, and he should be learning resiliency, which includes dealing with exes who are choosing no contact. If you feel better without him, you need to do what's best for yourself as well.

[ShySoul]

Having had an older brother who went through a program for drug abuse, I can say that your support is invaluable. One of the things that helped him through was me, recognizing how much he loved me and the kind of example he wanted to set for me. He said I was his link, his reminder of the larger world he was messing up in turning to the drugs. Knowing I loved and supported him, that I would welcome him and still love him when he got out, made it easier to push on and face his issues. He still had to do the hard part, but even just being a passive influence in his life helped.

I know that being a sibling and a lover are a bit different. But at its core, both are friends who care about a person. And both can mean the world to someone struggling with addiction.

I also dealt with an alcoholic father who didn't get treatment. But the same applied. The good times were in part because of the love and support given to him. Being there for a person makes a difference.

Also note that Al-anon and such groups are not for everyone. Do your rearch to see if it would work for you. There is a highly religious/spirtual component to the ones I have seen that some people may not be comfortable with. They can focus on people who feel they enable the person and how not to do so, which may or may not fit with your situation. Do your own homework and see if there is a group that works for you, if you even think it's something you need. It's entirely possible to understand your own feelings and not need it. In the end, you have to do what is right for you, regardless what anyone else says.

[Nejla]

First of all THANK YOU SO Much guys!!! Reading your comments I realized how powerful these mutual talks can be ❤️🙏 I was thinking about going to a psychotherapist to get some answer but you already helped my mind get sorted and clearer. 🍀

I really thank each of you, it means a lot every oppinion and advice in these times to me.❤️❤️❤️

Also very good advice, I agree with each of you 🙏

[Nejla]

Girls, can I Ask you for some advice? 

since now I am in contact with my boyfriend once a week over phone, but after 3 weeks in rehab he will be allowed to get visitors, and I will come see him. 

You suggested me that I dont promise him anything and let him know he should be firsty one year sober after rehab and then I shall see.

What do you think when should I tell him about this plan. He is expecting that when he comes home after 4 months I will be waiting for him and give him a Second chance. 

When should I Tell him that First he needs to be sober like one year, get a job and prove he can manage his life well. Should I Tell him this now when I meet him in a rehab or after he gets home?  You have experience and I kind of thing its not good idea to Tell him now when he needs love and support. 

Also he used to Tell me often that he cant live alone in his flat, that he needs a woman and was never single in his life. He needs a compny doesnt have many friends and he once let me know that if we ever break up he will get another quickly. 

Thank you!! 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Nejla said:

Girls, can I Ask you for some advice? 

since now I am in contact with my boyfriend once a week over phone, but after 3 weeks in rehab he will be allowed to get visitors, and I will come see him. 

You suggested me that I dont promise him anything and let him know he should be firsty one year sober after rehab and then I shall see.

What do you think when should I tell him about this plan. He is expecting that when he comes home after 4 months I will be waiting for him and give him a Second chance. 

When should I Tell him that First he needs to be sober like one year, get a job and prove he can manage his life well. Should I Tell him this now when I meet him in a rehab or after he gets home?  You have experience and I kind of thing its not good idea to Tell him now when he needs love and support. 

Also he used to Tell me often that he cant live alone in his flat, that he needs a woman and was never single in his life. He needs a compny doesnt have many friends and he once let me know that if we ever break up he will get another quickly. 

Thank you!! 

I would not go see him in person.  I would limit contact to a phone call and limit the discussion to what you can offer as far as additional external resources.  I wouldn't tell him all now -simply tell him on reflection you don't think it's a good idea to make solid plans about the two of you now. That you will talk again once he is out of rehab.  From what you wrote -why in the world would you want to date someone even if sober if he tells you he simply replaces women like a roll of paper towels or toilet paper so he won't be so-called "alone?"  Let him "get another one quickly" in that case.  Also no I would never demand someone "prove" anything.  What I wrote was (and now it's irrelevant -this guy is a bad match for other reasons) you don't date him at all until he is sober for a year.  Then observe whether he has a job and is financially stable.  If you observe differently simply tell him he is not a match.  It's not your role to demand that he change to your specifications. He will choose to maintain sobriety and choose to get a job if he so chooses.  Not "for you" and not to "prove" something to you -or anyone.

But given what you wrote I would stop considering him for any potential future.