Sexual tension with work colleague (same sex female)

[Sunflower122]

So I’ve started my job in a large organisation about 4 months ago and I’m ’buddied’ up with a colleague of mine initially for the first month to help me with settling in. I’m a female (bisexual) and in a heterosexual relationship and she is married in a heterosexual relationship with kids. The first 2 months was normal but I do get a bit nervous around her at times as I admit I think she is beautiful and sometimes I would get lost in her eyes when she talks to me. Now for the last 2 months I think we have upped the ante and things have escalated a bit. These are just a few instances where she has- 

1. Made intense and prolonged eye contact

2. Smiles at me a lot and laughs at my jokes (even though they are not that funny)

3. Changed her voice tone and voice towards me (soft spoken and at times sweet)

4. Started becoming touchy with me, I’ve noticed from one time when she had stood so close to me our arms were touching (I didn’t move because I enjoyed it) and from then on she started touching my arm when we talk and she would stand in close proximity to me 

5. Started joking and introduced banter to our conversations

I know she is flirting with me. But as far as I know she has never indicated to me she is anything but straight however her actions says otherwise. It’s driving me crazy as the sexual tension between us is so intense the air becomes so tense sometimes when we are in each other’s vicinity. 

I really don’t know what to do because I have to work with her and speak to her most days and she is driving me so crazy. Most of the time she takes the initiative to make the moves on me and I’m more of the shy type so I just make eye contact and we caught eyes a few times. 

Should I talk to her about it knowing that most likely nothing will ever eventuate from it since we are both attached or should we just continue with the workplace flirting/fun or completing stop?

 

Thanks and regards

 Confused  

[Batya33]

You only can control you.  I would from now on keep physical distance, step away -can be done subtly not awkwardly -each time she comes closer or close enough to touch you, look away from prolonged eye contact. Conduct as much interaction as possible online.

Since the buddy thing is over do you have to have this level of interaction with her?

You choose whether you choose to react by being "driven crazy" or whether  you want this job.  If the latter you wil choose an appropriate, professional reaction just as you would if a coworker was so annoying it drove you crazy.

Also consider ending things with your partner so he can find someone who isn't gonna play with fire and risk her job (that is, if you two mingle finances, etc).  

[ShySoul]

As long as you are both in relationships, this shouldn't go any further. Are you happy and comfortable with the person you are with? If so, no need to change anything in that relationship. This is a crush on someone you have gotten close to, nothing more. It's okay to have feelings and be attracted. But if neither of you are in a position to act upon feelings, then there is no reason to uproot and change your life for something that can be contained in a simple fantasy.

Do what you feel comfortable with doing. If you are friends, get along, and have fun together, then there is no reason to avoid or stop having contact. You could actually be hurting her feelings if you did so, as well as cutting yourself off from someone you enjoy being around. How is that fair or right to either of you? And as you have no proof that she does feel this way for you, you might be doing it for nothing. For all you know you might be projecting your feelings onto her.

Try to separate your fantasy of her with the reality of the situation. You are both taken. View this as a friend, not a potential love interest. Keep reminding yourself of that and it should take away some of the tension you feel.

If it continues to bother you, and you feel close enough to open up to her, then just be honest. Honesty is the best policy. Say you aren't comfortable with the touches or glances. Say it's starting to feel like more and you don't want to risk anything given the circumstances. Odds are she will be understanding. You can actually talk and set the record straight, each knowing exactly where things stand. Clear the air. Things will settle down and may be awkward for a bit, but they will reset and you will be able to move on, secure in where things are.

Good luck.

[Andrina]

Often, but not always, emotional affairs, either one-sided or not, happens when one has an emotional disconnection with their primary partner.

A good rule of thumb to know which barriers/boundaries need to be put up is to imagine your partner is in the room when you are interacting with this colleague. If you wouldn't behave in a particular way or say certain things to this lady, or allow her to do or say particular things to you in your partner's presence, then you're crossing the line.

It's up to you to put up boundaries to be the ethical/faithful partner you should be. Because don't you expect the same of your partner whenever he is at work or doing other things out in the world?

You can start distancing yourself from this dynamic, changing it to the pleasant but not sexually charged co-worker relationship it should be. Just cut conversations short by saying you need to get back to work. Curb the personal talks. Move back when she invades your personal space. 

It's like you can't see the forest for the trees. If you're both taken and she's engaging in this type of behavior behind her husband's back, you really think she'd refrain from this if you two left your partners and got together? Two wrongs will never make a right.

If you find yourself lacking an ideal connection with your man, either concentrate on reigniting that spark or go your separate ways. Stick to dating outside the workplace, as most new relationships fail and then you have the awkward task of seeing the ex every day.

[catfeeder]

How long have you been with your partner, and how is your relationship with him?

[MissCanuck]

I would not talk to her about this. 

Much as you believe it's mutual, there is always a chance that it is not. And even if it is, neither of you is available for anything more than being friends and colleagues. Because she is a colleague, I would caution you even further from approaching her with this. It could be completely misconstrued and make things very awkward in the workplace. 

Instead, I woudl keep your distance from her. Be professional and friendly, but cut any flirty gestures you're making and don't enable any you sense coming from her. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I would not talk to her about this. 

Much as you believe it's mutual, there is always a chance that it is not. And even if it is, neither of you is available for anything more than being friends and colleagues. Because she is a colleague, I would caution you even further from approaching her with this. It could be completely misconstrued and make things very awkward in the workplace. 

Instead, I woudl keep your distance from her. Be professional and friendly, but cut any flirty gestures you're making and don't enable any you sense coming from her. 

Yes I wrote some version of this above and I like how  she put it -I cannot emphasize this enough.  Especially in our world now.  I think creating physical distance is the way to go -in your workplace there seems to be no reason to be close together physically much less touching each other - describing it at this point as potentially romantic or crossing those boundaries is not honest -it's oversharing in a workplace.  It's like if I complimented my male colleague's haircut "good haircut!" and he said "oh that made me think you want to run your fingers through it" (even if he was thinking that -even if he bizarrely misread my tone as flirty instead of blandly polite) - I would then assume he was interested in me and feel really uncomfortable and not even know how to respond to tell him -nope- was just observing you got a haircut. 

Assume she is bad with boundaries in the workplace - like a close talker type - and leave your interpretations of ohhhhh she has a crush on me!!! - in your own head and do your work.   Date outside the workplace unless you are single, the person is single and you do not work together you just happen to work for the same employer and you see the person around at large company events or presentations.  Then to me it's ok (I originally met my husband at work in that context).