Appropriate response when you let someone down?

[Daisygirl25]

Hi! First time poster so you'll have to bear with me here.  I am truly at a loss with my husband and really need some insight, am I expecting too much? Or am I justified in my feelings.  We've been married 10 years and this issue keeps resurfacing.  
 

I will ask him to do something, whether it be take the trash out, call to schedule something, pay a bill, etc.  I do 95% of coordinating our family's schedule.  We have two children who are school aged so it is a busy time in our lives and we both work full time.  He will forget/neglect to do said thing- I say neglect because sometimes it's truly a choice he's making to not do something.  My issue is mainly his response to his failure to follow through.  He will come at it like "so what, I forgot, I can't change it so there's no point in talking about it" instead of being apologetic and trying to make it right.  He says it's not that deep and I shouldn't get mad about little things, but to me multiple little things add up to a big thing.  And at that point if he made it right and did the thing he forgot to do I would be ok, but he'll simply say he doesn't feel like it, he'll do it later, tomorrow, etc and then it doesn't happen.  It's to the point where if I want to know something is done I have to do it on my own but I'm one person who also has a busy job and then I get resentful that I'm not getting the support I need from my spouse.  
I feel like it is reflective of your character when you let someone down but don't take accountability for it.  I've told him it's not up to him to decide if something is small or doesn't matter, it's up to the person he let down to give him grace (or not if said thing was truly important) but he just says "well, it didn't happen.   Be mad if you want but you're in charge of you feelings and anger and you can choose to let it go or not, but I'm over it" like no skin off his back... of course it doesn't bother him because it doesn't affect him when he fails time and time again so someone else has to do what he said he would.  
 

ex: I have asked him for a month to schedule a drivers permit test for our son.  I have reminded him several times but he was the one that was going to take him so he had to schedule it around his work and what would work for him so this wasn't something I could do for him.  I have asked, reminded, pleaded... every day this week I reminded either through text or a phone call.. it's still not done. His response was again what i posted above.  It's not a big deal and i can choose to be angry but he's over it and moving on... he has me backed into a corner with no where to go but to get angry.  
 

if you've gotten this far thank you for taking the time.  I would love any constructive feedback/advise/perspective that you have to offer.

[Batya33]

I can relate to all but the lack of apology.  I know no right or wrong and IMHO he is wrong.  Totally wrong.  I have one child and I do most of The Things (yes we have  to schedule a drivers permit test at some point LOL).  

Here is how I decrease the annoyance of The Things.  First, we try to do most by email, some by text.  That way we decrease the boring conversations and -then it's documented -for both of us.  Second since I work part time and he works more than full time I put reminders on my phone and depending on what it is I will follow up with him -by email or text and not in a nagging way.

Second I pay attention to our strengths/weaknesses.  I am better at scheduling maintenance work on our apartment (also because I am home more) and I am better at scheduling doctor appointments.  He is better at scheduling  tech stuff -new modem, talking to the person who does our computer virus protection, etc.  That also decreases risks because the person is more motivated to do what they are good at.

I would use I statements with husband.  "I am frustrated when you drop the ball and don't take responsibility and apologize and ask how you can help make it better.  That is what I expect when you drop the ball.  I own my feelings of annoyance or frustration but that is not the point.  The point is when people make a promise and don't make good on their promise they apologize and ask how they can help."  Did your kids watch Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood or do they? I take this from that kids show modeled on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.  When young Daniel does something wrong he is taught to say "I am sorry" AND "how can I help."

Ask your husband -if one of your kids breaks a promise or like doesn't do their homework as promised etc or lets down a friend by cancelling a playdate randomly - would he be ok with them not apologizing to the wronged party?

Also be very clear as to whether your husband is promising to do X or whether it's more like "OK I'll try but can't promise since I have X and Y going on today." We do that too -my husband prints stuff out for me at his office and some of it is really time sensitive but he'll make clear whether he is certain he can or whether it's only if he has time.  Be clear -again -email/writing is very helpful here- on (1) what the task is; (2) whether it is time sensitive; (3) whether the person doing it actually can do it or it is tentative.

Does your husband work -if so use that as a model too -would he really refuse to apologize to his colleague if he let them down as he lets you down? Does he see what you do as work -albeit, unpaid work?

Finally if he refuses to be responsible or accountable tell him you will start to outsource The Things you can't fit into your schedule -because you need to know it is either being done or the person will explain why in a simple direct way (and then not charge you/make good on it).  You are not backed into a corner.  Your options are: tell him you expect him to do what is on his list or if he can't give you advance warning he can't or if he drops the ball to apologize and tell you how he's going to resolve it and prevent it from happening next time (if that is relevant).  Tell him if not you will hire someone for example to drive your son to get his permit.  These days you can outsource all this stuff.  So basically he will know if he's not part of the team -and being ridiculous by dropping the ball/not apologizing is not being part of the team - he will have to pay $$$ for it.  

[TeeDee]

Your husband is doing this on purpose.  He knows you will eventually pick up the slack.  So stop.  If he lets stuff slide, don't fix it.  Let the lights get turn off because he didn't pay the bill.  If your son wants his license, send him to dad to get this scheduled.  Stop making it your responsibility  

[smackie9]

You need couples counselling. His behavior is out of him being resentful. 

[tattoobunnie]

What is he doing when he procrastinates?  Is he doom scrolling? Gaming? Texting others?

Does he have ADHD? To me, his behaving screams inability with executive functioning, but if he's gaming, then I have zero sympathy for him. My hubs has ADHD (so do I), and can't remember to pay a bill online, even when his credit was dependent on it.

What does your hubs do well at least?  I am absolutely not a fan of him dismissing your requests, and blames you for ever making them.  I hope you aren't doing his laundry or cooking for him.

If it's ADHD, there's way to not get resentful, and different ways to approach them.

[ShySoul]

23 hours ago, Daisygirl25 said:

I feel like it is reflective of your character when you let someone down but don't take accountability for it.

The crux of the whole issue.

People make mistakes. Things happen. We forget. We get overwhelmed and are busy with something else. Circumstances beyond our control get in the way. We get upset and react poorly. Any number of things can happen that prevent us from keeping our word. It that is fine and acceptable.

The true pressure of a person is how they respond. Do you own up to something and admit you are wrong? Do you strive to do better? Or do you ignore it and keep doing the same thing? No one should expect perfection, but there should be an effort put in.

You are not wrong to be upset or angry if this keeps happening. It shows a lack of respect for you and the relationship. If the roles were reversed, odds are he would be just as upset. 

I would take out any talk of giving grace or you being mad. That is likely to put him on the defensive (and I know that is not your intent, it's really about his internal processing of things). While your feelings are valid, try to take them out of the equation for the moment. Talk to him about how you need to know that certain things will get done, that each thing that is missed is an extra burden for you and could potentially cause trouble for both of you. I assume he wants your son to have a license? Not setting the appointment delays the test, delays him getting the license, could cause your son to be upset and their be problems there, and delays your son from taking on some of these responsibilities that you could be giving to him. It may seem like a little thing, but the ripple effect leads to big things. Maybe if your husband could see that, it might get him to switch his attitude.

If he responds well and starts doing the extra chores, then I'd open a dialogue on feelings. I'd express that it's not about blaming anyone or being angry. It's about feeling hurt. It's about feeling like the other person cares enough to listen to you and remember the things that are important to you. To ignore or make light of something that matters to you is a dismissal of your feelings. And that is something no one should have to live with.

I hope you can work this out.

[catfeeder]

Sounds like he resents being managed. You could try going on strike. Take care of yourself and your children, but stop doing his laundry or fixing his meals or any other favors you typically do for him. Move any stuff he leaves around into a box in his closet and out of your way. Hire help if you need it.

If he raises an issue with the 'new you,' be kind rather than punitive. Open a conversation about the two of you operating as a team rather than as adversaries, and listen to his point of view. See if you can put more balance into decision-making about your family and the household. Negotiate fair exchanges, reward one another with bribery to get things of value that you want from the other, keep it reciprocal rather than sounding like he's your support person who owes you assignments. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Sounds like he resents being managed. You could try going on strike. Take care of yourself and your children, but stop doing his laundry or fixing his meals or any other favors you typically do for him. Move any stuff he leaves around into a box in his closet and out of your way. Hire help if you need it.

If he raises an issue with the 'new you,' be kind rather than punitive. Open a conversation about the two of you operating as a team rather than as adversaries, and listen to his point of view. See if you can put more balance into decision-making about your family and the household. Negotiate fair exchanges, reward one another with bribery to get things of value that you want from the other, keep it reciprocal rather than sounding like he's your support person who owes you assignments. 

Question -I was going to suggest the first step you suggested and was concerned it was passive aggressive. I like that you then mention that when he notices then have a conversation.  But if he's used to her doing his laundry and then doesn't have the shirt he needs for a business trip/presentation won't that come across as punitive if he wasn't forewarned?

I always like the division of labor part - it's assumed my husband scans in any checks we receive in the mail, it's assumed he lines the garbage cans with bags and I take out the trash, it's assumed that I take our son to school early mornings -it's divided not delegated and it does work better that way you are correct.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Question -I was going to suggest the first step you suggested and was concerned it was passive aggressive. I like that you then mention that when he notices then have a conversation.  But if he's used to her doing his laundry and then doesn't have the shirt he needs for a business trip/presentation won't that come across as punitive if he wasn't forewarned?

Good point. I left out the part about staying cheerful and kind. Let him know that you've thought about what he said. You're open to negotiating favors and chores and operating as a team with mutual respect instead of as adversaries. When he's ready to sit together and hash that out, he can let you know. Meanwhile, you're pulling back on those things, and he's welcome to take up any slack on laundry or cooking or anything else he might be taking for granted that you typically do for him.