I found out my wife cheated on me, she says she was drugged. No idea what to do

[TeeDee]

21 hours ago, lomi said:

I just want to know what you think, because my head is going to explode. Of course, I need to work this out on my own, but I just want someone, who can look at this objectively, to tell me their opinion. The woman I thought I knew would never do those things, or say those things, so that went out the window. I'm angry, but you are right, if we want to work this out, we need therapy, I just need someone else's perspective on this. Sorry for bothering you with my problems.

We think she was raped.  

The woman you know did not do these things.  They were done to her, without her consent.  

I'm encouraged that you want therapy but please make sure your wife gets IC especially rape crisis counseling.  

You are not bothering anybody.  Having a place to discuss problems is the purpose of forums like this.  

[lostandhurt]

8 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I'm encouraged that you want therapy but please make sure your wife gets IC especially rape crisis counseling.  

 If you have doubts then help her get into see professionals in dealing with these situations.  They will know what to do and as you both work through this together the answers you seek will show themselves.

  Personally I am dubious of this whole thing as so many things simply do not add up but your wife and victim always gets  the benefit of the doubt.

 Have you discussed getting her in to talk to a rape counselor?  Any type of therapist?  This is the number one thing you should be concerned about right now.  The marriage and all the other stuff can wait until your wife is seen by people who can help her because there is a long road ahead for her.

I wish you the best, I am out.

Lost

[The Shark101]

On 10/23/2024 at 12:14 AM, redswim30 said:

The vast majority of rapes go unreported.   Most women who have been raped do not have any desire to see the person "punished".  They feel so violated and shamed and awful- being raped for a woman, is for most of us, the worst thing that will ever happen to us. 

It has happened to me.  I was a child who couldn't even legally give consent and it was a full grown adult. And guess what?  The four (3 of whom were full grown women) people that knew, still blamed me. "I was too nice to him", " I dressed too cute", " I should have fought to get away"  (I did, but I was a scrawny 14 year old and the man was big and 28).  I couldn't tell my parents, they would have blamed me and punished me.  So I definitely couldn't report it in any way.  I just wanted to forget it ever happened, which through other women's stories and the work I do with both police and lawyers is an extremely common tale (Women who start to report then worry and stop because they are too afraid of retribution or it ruining their reputation IE people not believing them or simply having to relive that nightmare over and over again thru re-telling it and confronting the man). 

In this case, I don't believe this woman just because she's a woman.  I believe her for two key reasons- 

1.  She's never given her husband a reason not to trust her (Listen, if she had consistently had a crush on this guy and spoke of him well and was always flirting with him, I'd believe she DID cheat- I don't have the opinion that women are incapable of cheating or lying) BUT- in this case, she NEVER liked this man AND it was verified by other people in the office that this man always behaves this way with other women and it's weirdly accepted in this workplace. 

2. The Events of the Trip are too bizarre.  The fact that her behavior so wildly and radically changes, which the husband even admits is out of character for her is HIGHLY indicative of some drug being used- and contrary to popular belief, most rape drugs do NOT knock you out cold- they can make you sluggish/tired but mostly they make you lose control of yourself, impair your judgment, and make things hazy- and yes, some of them physiologically make you aroused. Sounds like this man used Ketamine or a Mickey Finn- the wife's behavior indicates this- a detachment from reality and not being able to remember it all.   The biggest red flag of all- that this man filmed it all.  People having affairs don't tend to want to create evidence of said affair.  This highly indicates a PLAN the man had, as evidenced by the fact that he filmed her both prior to and after said impairment.  It's also a sneaky way to kinda "loophole" evidence (fraudsters often do this to try and create some manufactured 'reasonable doubt' IE their own alibi). 

So even IF IFFFFFFFF you want to TRY and stretch and say that this was "consensual"- this man STILL would be a sexual predator for encouraging relations with a subordinate, coaxing her (check out the view from my room- come ON), and FILMING HER.   This predator's wife can say whatever she wants, I think this is a man that films his "conquests".  Even IF the OP's wife did anything willingly, there's still a case against him here.  At the very least, this man is still a married man actively trying to sleep with female subordinates at a business conference.  SCUM. BAG. 

None of us were there.  But based on the story here, I think the circumstantial evidence is too great to not believe drugging was involved.    

My advice to the OP remains the same.  Support your wife.  Believe her.  Get medical attention to test for STD's.  Try and encourage her to report it.  It's her choice, but at the VERY least, she deserves support, the option to go to therapy and a husband that doesn't abandon her when she needs him the most. 

And hey, I remain open to the possibility that I could be wrong.   Perhaps details will come to light that no one yet knows.  However, the actual evidence that the OP saw on the videos, as well as the prior knowledge of the interactions, behaviors, and opinions of both his wife and this man, really do strongly suggest that drugging was involved. 

 

 

 "I don't believe this woman just because she's a woman."

No?, 5 pages and 100 replies and not even one who questioned the wife's integrity. She's getting a free card from the get-go!

""The Events of the Trip are too bizarre. The fact that her behaviour so wildly and radically changes ."

Are you familiar with the saying " What happened in Ibiza staying in Ibiza"? When on holiday people behave in a way they will NEVER allow themselves to behave at home. The famles on here know very well what I'm talking about. 

Let's drop all your imaginations assumptions you all do and remember  the fact as posted in the original OP :

Quote: "My wife says she was raped, but on the video, it doesn't look like she was uncomfortable. She was very clearly flirting with him, it doesn't look like she was forced. If I saw the videos without knowing my wife, I would say she seduced Mark and not the other way around ,,,,,,When Mark called her "blondie", but on the video, she looks like she enjoys it. Maybe I don't know her " ( end quote) .

Again, she's on holiday/ away from home trip,it is patty time: "What happened in Ibiza stay in Ibiza" behaviour.

No OP, you don't know your wife. You most likely don't know many things about your wife. You're not the first and not the last one.Women are great at hiding their old promiscuous real character and behaviour from their husbands otherwise he won't marry her.

Majority of the female on her , deep down, know something is not right with her story,  but you have to help one of your sisters in crime, hence why you're not questioning her integrity.

[The Shark101]

On 10/23/2024 at 8:01 PM, lomi said:

Hi everyone. Sorry for not posting, the last few days were crazy. My wife stopped going to work, but she didn't actually quit yet. I wanted to learn everything I could about that night. I checked the pictures my wife and her coworkers shared about the trip, but I didn't see anything weird. I asked one of her coworkers, she said she doesn't know a lot either. She said my wife was not in a good mood during the trip, Mark consoled her, then they spent the evening talking to each other. She says she doesn't know what happened after, because she went to sleep, but the next morning, one of the other coworkers saw my wife coming out of Mark's bedroom. She told me she doesn't want to get into it, and then she ghosted me.

I wrote back to Mark's wife, telling her, that Mark raped my wife, and I'm going to the police. She said my wife wasn't raped, whatever my wife told me is a lie. She told me she is not trying to defend Mark, he is an ***, but my wife was a willing participant. She told me she has proof, that she did it willingly, but she doesn't want to send it to me, for my sake. I told her to send me everything she has, because I can't sleep, I have to know what happened. She sent me a very long video, I regret watching it, it broke my heart. I watched my wife, the woman I thought I knew better than anyone, give Mark, who I thought she hated, a blowjob. My wife never liked blowjobs, but on the video, she looks fully into it. The other thing is, she knew she was getting recorded, because at one point she stopped, and blew a kiss towards the camera, then laughed. At that point I had to stop watching, I had to vomit. I only sped through the rest of the video. Long story short, Mark put down the phone, and it recorded... a lot. I never heard her moan like that before, the whole thing made me sick. The worst part is, that I think she had multiple orgasms. Mark's wife told me to get a divorce, she is going to divorce Mark too.

I went to my wife, and asked her to tell me everything, down to the last detail. I showed her the video Mark's wife sent me, and she started crying hysterically. When she calmed down, she told me what she remembers. She was upset when she left. She said she was angry at me, for not listening to her. She was uncomfortable during the trip, she didn't enjoy it at all. That evening, everyone had a drink, and Mark started talking to her. For once, he was actually nice, asked her what's wrong. My wife didn't tell him, but appreciated the gesture. She thought they can bury the hatchet, at least. After some small talk, he asked her, if she wants a drink. My wife didn't want to accept it, but when he turned away, with a sad, disappointed look, she felt like he handed her an olive branch, and she threw it away. She accepted the drink, and they kept talking. My wife wanted to go back to her room, but she was waiting for the polite time to excuse herself. She wanted to end the conversation, but it kept dragging on. After a while, she started feeling something. She says it was a small thing at first, but it overtook her. She told me it was like a warm blanket has been placed on her, and all her thoughts started melting away. She remembers feeling relaxed, and the world become more colorful and the lights started slightly dancing. She said she felt the warmness go down into her stomach and then it spread, and it was like a tingling or almost burning feeling, almost like her body was yearning to be touched. She said after that, Mark started flirting with her. She saw that Mark was recording, but at that point, she didn't care at all. She said everything is hazy after that, but she remembers she wanted to show off her looks, that is why she unbuttoned her blouse. She remembers that she bent over slightly, to give him a better view, and when Mark complimented her, she said she felt so sexy, it was surreal. She said she has never been that aroused in her entire life. She has flashes of them kissing, she doesn't remember the blowjob, when I asked, she admitted, that she remembers having an orgasm. Next day, she woke up with a terrible headache. She got dressed and left. She said she vomited multiple times, her coworkers thought she just had a bad hangover. When she remembered that he was recording, she asked Mark to delete the videos, and he did delete them, in front of her. I guess he didn't really delete them, since the videos still exist. She said Mark acted like it was consensual.

She cried, told me she loves me, and asked me to forgive her, she couldn't stop crying. She told me she hates herself. I am sleeping on the couch, ever since this thing started. My wife barely eats, and our kids started noticing that something is VERY wrong, but they don't know what. I told her we can put this behind us, if she goes to the police. She doesn't want to, she said she will quit her job, but she doesn't want to go to the police. She said she loves me, but I feel like I can't look at her like before. That video burned into my mind. The way she called out his name, the sensual way she did those things with him, come to my mind every time I look at her. I don't want a divorce, but I also can't pretend like nothing happened, even though I want to believe what she's saying. There is a voice in my head, that's saying maybe she was just got drunk, and made a mistake, or she took the drug willingly, but it got out of hand. I don't know. I think I need time to think. Thanks to everyone who offered me advice, I'm trying to not fall apart, but I am literally shaking as I'm writing this.

 

Just got a time to read some of the replies and specifically OP replies: I'm sticking to everything I said until now. The length most of you are going in protecting and excusing OP's wife behavior is disturbing.

Also, I bet that at home OP getting the most boring $ex from his wife. 

As I said before, your knowledge of your real wife character is none existing. 

Divorce her ! Yesterday.  This marriage is a dead horse.

Btw, OP.  Once she'll get over the first shock that you know about her cheating, she'll start blaming you for everything that happens that night.Be ready and don't fall for it. 

[shouldhavelearned]

How is this still going?