I found out my wife cheated on me, she says she was drugged. No idea what to do

[Seraphim]

16 minutes ago, lomi said:

I care for her, I am worried about her, but my heart is broken into pieces. Please, tell me as someone who is not emotionally biased, like I am, what do you think happened? I just want your opinion, to get another perspective.

Well, there are about 73 answers of what people think. I think she needs to ditch Linda and the job . I also think interrogations of her coworkers is wrong . She has now been basically thrown to the wolves and EVERYONE now knows and she will be the job laughing stalk or “ dirty girl”. So no progress going to happen there . 
Block whoever sent you “ evidence” I would keep what you have as evidence for the police because you can bet your backside this is going up as revenge porn. 
 

It is also time to go to therapy together because there is more happening here than just a weekend . If she spent a weekend b*tching to coworkers you guys need help. 

[catfeeder]

20 minutes ago, lomi said:

I care for her, I am worried about her, but my heart is broken into pieces. Please, tell me as someone who is not emotionally biased, like I am, what do you think happened? I just want your opinion, to get another perspective.

You've been married to your wife with two children for how many years, yet you'd rather poll a bunch of strangers on the Internet than believe her? ... C'mOn.

[lomi]

I just want to know what you think, because my head is going to explode. Of course, I need to work this out on my own, but I just want someone, who can look at this objectively, to tell me their opinion. The woman I thought I knew would never do those things, or say those things, so that went out the window. I'm angry, but you are right, if we want to work this out, we need therapy, I just need someone else's perspective on this. Sorry for bothering you with my problems.

[yogacat]

21 minutes ago, lomi said:

I care for her, I am worried about her, but my heart is broken into pieces. Please, tell me as someone who is not emotionally biased, like I am, what do you think happened? I just want your opinion, to get another perspective.

We are hearing bits and pieces of information from you from this situation and third parties as well. We obviously only have your narrative and the "distant" narrative of everyone connected. I'm going to tell you that even I can't 100% say what I think truly happened. I was not there, none of us were. We have no definitively balanced amount of information from each party. So right away everything is going to be riddled with speculation. 

Your wife was very angry with you for ignoring her feelings and making her feel isolated. It's easy to think that this very behavior caused her to lash out. 

She might have started out "tagging" along and having fun, yet then she continuously notices how much you ignore her. Linda "listens" to her and understands how she feels, while you're completely oblivious to her needs. Mark could have easily fed into this and took advantage of your wife's state. 

Beyond that, yes certain substances can effect women in different ways. 

At the end of the day, the unanswered questions most people have doesn’t allow me to fully give a prediction of what happened. All I can say with certainty is that I'm so sorry this happened to your wife and you and that the only way anything is going to improve is if you talk to your wife. If there is any kind of recovery you wish to make with your wife, you yourself act soundly and respectfully towards her. She is a vulnerable woman who is struggling and grappling with whatever happened that night, whatever motivations she had that night the multitude of concerns she had about you and your marriage. 

Is going back over what 'happened' that night even going to help? What exactly are you hoping to gain? Let's say both views were 100% accurate, that it was a misunderstanding, what do you want next? Let's say it isn't, what do you get from it? Both views are the statistics we already have...a chance that your wife was raped. Either way, what appears to matter at this moment is to address the emotions and stress you both are feeling right now. 

I would advocate for her going to a therapist currently, at least to start the ball rolling. You don't need to focus on forgiving her or anything at this point. Meet with her in therapy, find out how your wife is ACTUALLY feeling. 

Sometimes when someone we care about is harmed we tend not to understand how the victim allowed themselves to put themselves in danger. Again, you witnessed a side of your wife that was unfamiliar.

Like others have said, you can't unsee what you saw, and even if you do believe that your wife was raped, seeing her with another man would put you in a traumatic state of mind when watching those videos. 

[Seraphim]

Well , I have told you what I think. She was raped. And you q are being played by the rapist and his videos. You both need to go to HR and the police . People don’t just go from hating someone to hey let’s do it because they are mad . 

[redswim30]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Well , I have told you what I think. She was raped. And you q are being played by the rapist and his videos. You both need to go to HR and the police . People don’t just go from hating someone to hey let’s do it because they are mad . 

100% agree.  Also, OP- you are making the narrative about HIM VS. YOU.  You seem very disinclined to trust your wife and her words. 

If you cannot offer her support when she's been/being put through the ringer, then perhaps you should consider divorcing.  Your wife is already hurting, already being flamed in the gossip mill, likely getting alienated and worried about this video surfacing(which you should both be concerned about for your children's sake), and your primary focus right now is what she did with him vs. what she has done with you- in other words,  your pride and ego, instead of helping her. 

Your wife needs to see a doctor and a therapist at the very least. 

I'd highly encourage you to stop listening to gossip and inviting drama.   I would go to their HR dept together and then to the police.  

You can be angry and wounded as you want, but any way you slice it- this man is in the wrong and at the VERY least coerced a subordinate into performing sexual favors at a WORK function- grounds for termination, even IF it was "consensual" which I still don't believe it was.  

But you're gonna believe whatever you want.  I just feel bad that your hurt is making you want to side with your wife's harasser and abuser.  (Which he IS in ANY scenario here)

[Coily]

I'm fully with @yogacat here, your wife needs to start therapy and get some things rolling to help you both. I also agree that you don't need to focus on forgiving or forgetting yet, this is so raw you need to process this with a professional.

There are a lot of factors playing into this whole mess, from your wife being angry at you and complaining to  Linda, to "mark's wife" gaslighting you. 

I also think there are a few too many calls against the OP to blindly trust his wife, he's struggling with this personal hell too. Two people (more if you count the kids) were seriously harmed that night; let's not forget that. If there is to be a way forward Lomi and his wife need to be on an equal footing.

This is a huge deal OP, and mark needs to feel the effects of his misdeeds through the legals system; and or HR.

[Seraphim]

Just now, Coily said:

I'm fully with @yogacat here, your wife needs to start therapy and get some things rolling to help you both. I also agree that you don't need to focus on forgiving or forgetting yet, this is so raw you need to process this with a professional.

There are a lot of factors playing into this whole mess, from your wife being angry at you and complaining to  Linda, to "mark's wife" gaslighting you. 

I also think there are a few too many calls against the OP to blindly trust his wife, he's struggling with this personal hell too. Two people (more if you count the kids) were seriously harmed that night; let's not forget that. If there is to be a way forward Lomi and his wife need to be on an equal footing.

This is a huge deal OP, and mark needs to feel the effects of his misdeeds through the legals system; and or HR.

You are all victims of a criminal turd, your children too and your wife most of all. You guys should call the police today. 

[redswim30]

Just now, Seraphim said:

You are all victims of a criminal turd, your children too and your wife most of all. You guys should call the police today. 

It's a VERY good idea to get a police report and what your wife recalls.  Especially as you have NO idea what Mark may do.  The legal system can only go by what evidence they have.  Your wife should make a statement.  That way, there's evidence from your wife's side of things, should Mark TRY to go to HR himself or involve legal systems in an effort to create his own narrative.  Then there would also be more grounds for recourse, should he choose to share the video. 

With so many people at work knowing, I think you are both in a position where you HAVE to report it to her HR.  She must tell her side of things.  Too many people know at this point, and there's too much opportunity for Mark to try and control the narrative should she choose to say nothing.   With the rumor mill, it's likely she's going to be called in anyway for a work investigation. 

[Coily]

8 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

But you're gonna believe whatever you want.  I just feel bad that your hurt is making you want to side with your wife's harasser and abuser.  (Which he IS in ANY scenario here)

I'm not getting that at all, and I think this is a very unfair light to paint the OP in. he's hurting like hell and doesn't know who or what to believe. His world have been destroyed by some ***, he needs guidance to navigate this; not being scolded and burdened with more guilt than he probably already feels encouraging the trip.

As Seraphim said they are both victims of mark; the OP needs to feel heard, not just told he's a POS for not just believing his wife without question. That may not be a charitable interpretation of your intent, but it comes across that way.

[catfeeder]

26 minutes ago, lomi said:

I just want to know what you think, because my head is going to explode. Of course, I need to work this out on my own, but I just want someone, who can look at this objectively, to tell me their opinion. The woman I thought I knew would never do those things, or say those things, so that went out the window. I'm angry, but you are right, if we want to work this out, we need therapy, I just need someone else's perspective on this. Sorry for bothering you with my problems.

I don't understand why you are overlooking your wife's description of having a drugged experience rather than describing her behavior as some kind of disloyalty to you.

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

It's a VERY good idea to get a police report and what your wife recalls.  Especially as you have NO idea what Mark may do.  The legal system can only go by what evidence they have.  Your wife should make a statement.  That way, there's evidence from your wife's side of things, should Mark TRY to go to HR himself or involve legal systems in an effort to create his own narrative.  Then there would also be more grounds for recourse, should he choose to share the video. 

With so many people at work knowing, I think you are both in a position where you HAVE to report it to her HR.  She must tell her side of things.  Too many people know at this point, and there's too much opportunity for Mark to try and control the narrative should she choose to say nothing.   With the rumor mill, it's likely she's going to be called in anyway for a work investigation. 

Yup, this is no longer a secret it is all out in the open now. So it is best to report it . You can bet HR knows already. 

[redswim30]

1 minute ago, Coily said:

I'm not getting that at all, and I think this is a very unfair light to paint the OP in. he's hurting like hell and doesn't know who or what to believe. His world have been destroyed by some ***, he needs guidance to navigate this; not being scolded and burdened with more guilt than he probably already feels encouraging the trip.

As Seraphim said they are both victims of mark; the OP needs to feel heard, not just told he's a POS for not just believing his wife without question. That may not be a charitable interpretation of your intent, but it comes across that way.

I never called the OP a POS, so please don't put words in my mouth.  

What I said was his hurt (which is understandable) is likely fueling his desire to want to believe his wife betrayed him,  as opposed to being inclined to trust her.  That was not intended as a scolding, simply as a your hurt feelings aren't pointing you to a logical conclusion. 

I agree with you, Coily- that their whole family is being made victims of Mark.  Which I believe was Mark's intent.   I don't blame the OP for that at ALL.   Simply pointing out that OP's hurt is NOT going to serve him in making sound judgment calls at this moment. 

 

[Coily]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

I don't understand why you are overlooking your wife's description of having a drugged experience rather than describing her behavior as some kind of disloyalty to you.

It'd far outside his experience, perhaps. he is seeing things in a far different light than we can with our cold seperation.

[Coily]

Just now, redswim30 said:

I never called the OP a POS, so please don't put words in my mouth.  

What I said was his hurt (which is understandable) is likely fueling his desire to want to believe his wife betrayed him,  as opposed to being inclined to trust her.  That was not intended as a scolding, simply as a your hurt feelings aren't pointing you to a logical conclusion. 

I agree with you, Coily- that their whole family is being made victims of Mark.  Which I believe was Mark's intent.   I don't blame the OP for that at ALL.   Simply pointing out that OP's hurt is NOT going to serve him in making sound judgment calls at this moment. 

 

I do apologize for that, part. I don't think logic works when anyone is this devastated.

[redswim30]

Just now, Coily said:

I do apologize for that, part. I don't think logic works when anyone is this devastated.

Thank you.  I agree with you. 

[SophiaG]

I'm so sorry for both of you going through this.

Granted I don't know any of the people involved but I tend to believe your wife was under the influence of something. Luckily never been a victim of the date rape drug myself, but I had light sedation for a small procedure which didn't knock me out - I was able to walk and speak apparently - but I have very vague if any recollection of what happened during that time. Different drugs work differently on different people. I don't think anybody can confidently say she wasn't drugged because she did X in the video or remembered/didn't remember Y or Z.

If this is the case, your wife experienced something beyond horrible and she needs love and support from you of all people but she's likely also scared, humiliated and feeling deeply guilty which could explain why she didn't tell you. However, I can also imagine how things would feel from your perspective and seeing a video like that would be devastating for anyone in a relationship who cares about their partner. Both of you need to put a lot of effort into processing and getting over the trauma and hopefully healing from this - whether you do that together or separate, at this point, is probably more up to you. Do you love her enough and have the confidence to work through this and stay together? What you've seen can't be unseen, however if you choose to believe her - I mean if she's drugged without her knowledge then she really can't be held responsible for those actions - then with time and therapy hopefully you can eventually see those videos as the evidence of a sick pathetic man violating her, instead of her betraying you, and direct your anger at him on her behalf.

If you don't think you can ever do that, then I don't see any other option than divorce. In that case I hope you end things as quickly and amicably as possible so she and you can have the space and energy to heal on your own.

[jazz_lover]

OP is also a victim. The wife seemed to want to bury her head in the sand as the OP only found out about the incident when he was contacted by Mark's "wife". From the timeline it seems that the business trip was a few months ago and OP only found out very recently and after the business trip the wife continued to work for the company only quitting after the OP found out.

That is a long time for the wife to hide something like this from her husband and even if there were gaps in her recollection of the evening she'd have known that she woke up in the bed of a man who wasn't her husband and felt very sick and therefore realized she'd been drugged (based on her version of events). 

Surely she must realize that it is far worse for the husband to hear about this from a stranger than from herself and he understandably is having some doubts. 

And as people on here have pointed out her reaction to bury her head in the hand and try to forget about it may be natural but it is no longer viable as too many people know, there are videos out there, and the husband has been made to view those videos. 

Out of consideration for her husband and other women who will likely be victims of Mark's machinations she should really report this. 

 

 

[Seraphim]

Believe me there is no deeper humiliation than rape and I know exactly why she didn’t tell and this is why these criminals get away with it . Cheaters don’t want evidence but pathological psychos want trophy’s and “ memories” of what they did . 
 

The only way my parents knew I was raped was by reading my diary. And it took me over 35 years to talk about being raped by a stranger . The humiliation and shame are so deep you never get over it . 

[redswim30]

8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Believe me there is no deeper humiliation than rape and I know exactly why she didn’t tell and this is why these criminals get away with it . Cheaters don’t want evidence but pathological psychos want trophy’s and “ memories” of what they did . 
 

The only way my parents knew I was raped was by reading my diary. And it took me over 35 years to talk about being raped by a stranger . The humiliation and shame are so deep you never get over it . 

ALL OF THIS! 

So sorry that happened to you, Seraphim.  My parents died without ever knowing I was raped at 14.  I still can't talk about it openly to anyone who isn't a close friend. 

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

ALL OF THIS! 

So sorry that happened to you, Seraphim.  My parents died without ever knowing I was raped at 14.  I still can't talk about it openly to anyone who isn't a close friend. 

I am so sorry for what happened to you. I tell my story openly because this criminals thrive on secrecy. I don’t like talking about and I refuse to discuss it with my mom because it makes me feel revolting. 

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, lomi said:

I care for her, I am worried about her, but my heart is broken into pieces. Please, tell me as someone who is not emotionally biased, like I am, what do you think happened? I just want your opinion, to get another perspective.

Sorry to say, rape is an emotional topic and everyone is going to be biased on the subject in someone. Even if it is not rape and is cheating, that will also create an emotional bias in how people will respond. So please understand that a lot of what you are getting will be based on what the commentators have experienced or believe. The right call on what to do will be up to you and how you feel about the situation, and most importantly, her.

There is no way we will ever know what happened. The only people who know are her and Mark. And given that she was either drugged or drunk and doesn't remember, that leaves Mark who is not likely to be useful.

At a minimum Mark took advantage of an emotional vulnerable person. I find it hard to believe she would go from disliking him so much to being a willing participant in filming an affair. All the video proves is that something did happen. It doesn't prove that she wanted it to happen. It doesn't prove that she didn't want it to happen. It could easily have been her under the influence of something. I would lean to her being slipped something in the drink and if affected her afterwards. Add in her being hurt and upset with the encouragement of other people, and it was a recipe for disaster.

She clearly feels guilty, no matter what the real story. So the question to ask yourself is, do you want to try and make things better? Do you still want to be with her? Do you still love her?

The answer to those questions seem to be yes. So the two of you need to find a way to talk about not only this, but the problems that left her feeling hurt and vulnerable in the first place. Get counseling. Find someone to talk to to help save this marriage.

Right now she is stuck in her sadness and guilt. You are stuck in feelings of betrayal and anger. While both sides are understandable, you will both need to find a way to set that aside, reach across to the other person, and come together to address everything as a couple. If you want to stay together, and it is very possible, then you need to focus on the love you share and work together, without judgements or hostility, to repair all the damage that has been done.

 

 

[ShySoul]

58 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

My parents died without ever knowing I was raped at 14.  I still can't talk about it openly to anyone who isn't a close friend. 

Sorry that happened to you redswim. And sorry you didn't have that support when it happened. 

Wish I could take every rapist, lock them up, and toss away the key. And wish no one else had to every know what that feels like. Makes me sick anyone would even be capable of doing such a thing.