I found out my wife cheated on me, she says she was drugged. No idea what to do

[redswim30]

1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

Does sound very suspect that mark would be brazen enough to drug her while other colleagues were around. No idea what the drug could be but the effects are unpredictable so it was taking a huge risk. It would make more sense if she simply had too much to drink and that lowered her inhibitions. 
That would be diminished responsibility but still cheating. 
 

And if such a magical drug existed that acted as an aphrodisiac and lowered inhibitions and allowed you to drug people in plain sight with bystanders non the wiser and without making the person unconscious then I think it would be well known by now. 
 

I don’t think she’s blameless but there are mitigating circumstances. She was probably under the influence of something. It was a work business trip so difficult for her to escape from the situation and a lot of pressure was exerted on her. 

But ultimately it does depend on whether you’re able to forgive her and the problem is that unlike most situations of cheating where you hear about it second hand you’ve seen videos you’ll never be able to erase from your mind 

Men slip date rape drugs into drinks at crowded places constantly.  Crowded bars.  Crowded parties, etc. Rarely does it happen in private places.  It happens every day of the week.   It's why bars tell women not to accept drinks handed to them or to drink from drinks they have stepped away from.  

Yes, such a drug DOES exist- it's called Ecstasy/Molly.  And it's extremely well known. 

If he gave her a drink and her feelings changed drastically, this sounds very much like she was drugged. Especially if she was acting out of character.   

If she was drugged, then she IS blameless.   It does not matter what she was wearing, if she was flirting etc-  no woman deserves to be drugged then raped.  And make no mistake, if you are in a state where you aren't capable of making decisions, then it IS rape.  As in my previous example, even if she was simply really drunk, barely conscious and her judgment was clearly impaired, it is still rape. 

Again, OP- please don't dismiss the fact that this man FILMED everything.  FILMED. IT.  He's TRYING to make it look consensual to cover his butt.  And his "wife" if it's not just him is already defending it- IMO, THAT's why his wife (or him) is even sending you videos- so you both won't do anything, to make it look consensual.   To me, this is the biggest tell. I find it very weird that this guy's spouse has easy access and so eagerly sending you explicit videos.  And when you mention rape- immediately there's a another more explicit video?  I hope you understand this is a form of blackmail.  IE " Report it is rape and I will send the video to" who knows.   Perhaps they've done this before? This all sounds VERY PLANNED. This guy is severely messed up, any way you slice it.   If I were you, I'd report this SOB to HR AND to the police.   And ask this "wife" for her phone number so you can call "her", I have a feeling it's not his wife. 

I feel so badly for your wife.  She doesn't deserve any of this.  I really hope you can get over this.  Please try and understand this shouldn't be about your pride, but about what your wife went through.  Put the grotesque video out of your head for a second.  Do you honestly believer if your wife so SOBER she would be BOTH brazen enough and dumb enough to film herself sleeping with a work colleague that she hates? I know it's hard, but try and take your emotion out of it for a minute and think logically here. But at the end of the day, you either trust her-what you know of her, what you have together, and if you believe her or not. 

If you can't get over this, please divorce her.  She needs the space to recover and needs support and not judgment during this time.   

 

[Seraphim]

I feel so bad for both of you caught up in someone else’s sick sick crimes. Stand together and bring down this criminal. 

[Seraphim]

Also remember rape is NEVER NEVER about sex it is about power and humiliation. 

[redswim30]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

I feel so bad for both of you caught up in someone else’s sick sick crimes. Stand together and bring down this criminal. 

^^^^^^^^THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[redswim30]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Also remember rape is NEVER NEVER about sex it is about power and humiliation. 

YES.  This man was probably pissed at your wife for not responding to his multiple advances. 

So, IMO- he created a plan to exert power, domination and humiliation over her.  I'm SURE some people in the office know.  He created this little video as "proof" and as blackmail- most women fear the humiliation and likely would be concerned about it getting out, so it turns into " Okay, I won't report it"

This man is sick.   OP, please understand most people that cheat, even serial cheaters, aren't eager to film it and have proof.  There's a REASON (or multiple) that he wanted video proof.  I also find it HIGHLY suspect that his wife knows who you are, how to contact you, easily found these videos he supposedly deleted and is eager to share her husband in compromising positions with his job AND the law. 

Even if it had been consensual, most workplaces have strict- No fraternizing with subordinates policies.  That alone can get him fired.  It would be viewed as a superior asking for or accepting sexual favors.  And that's to say nothing of the lawsuit you could bring. 

[yogacat]

The filming is the off part. He filmed it because he wanted proof that it was consensual. I don't know of many rape situations in which the man films himself in the act. Not to say it doesn't happen. I have no idea if your wife was aware she was being recorded while giving Mark a blowjob. 

[redswim30]

9 minutes ago, yogacat said:

The filming is the off part.  I don't know of many rape situations in which the man films himself in the act..

That doesn't really make sense if her state of mind was being manipulated. 

He would do it to provide "proof" that it was consensual.  (Sick people do often film their own sexual assaults, it's ordinary consensual affairs in which people don't want evidence) I agree that the filming is the off part, just in a different way- 

Why would someone not expecting to sleep with someone have a recording ready and know exactly when and where to place it if it was unexpected "in the moment" and not planned? Why would a superior film himself having sex with a subordinate knowing that would get him fired? 

How would his SPOUSE know exactly where these deleted videos are, who her husband is ( I guarantee my husband does not remember or have access to my co-workers' spouses names- and even I don't have their phone numbers!) and have be sending explicit videos that implicate her husband?  Even if she was mad or wanting to divorce him, that does not make sense.  IMO, most wives would be ashamed and not want EVIDENCE getting out there.  

To me, the BIG tell here is the SECOND video sent to the OP.  He mentions the word rape and immediately IMMEDIATELY, there's another longer and more explicit video?  Kinda convenient, don't you think? The wife instantly has her husband's phone, knows exactly where this other video is and sends it instantly to the OP? 

FISHY.  FISH. Y.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Thanks for the update @lomi.  It must have been really difficult viewing that second video (both actually), I can't even imagine how you must have felt viewing it and how you must be feeling now.  

My advice fwiw is for now, give her the benefit of doubt and support her version of the story.  

I DO understand her not wanting to report it to the police however tell her if she won't report this to HR (for her own sake and safety if she is going to continue to work there and the sake and safety of others) then YOU will.

Offer to go together.  The company will perform an internal investigation including talking to everyone who was there and Mark.  

This is a very serious crime and assuming your wife is telling you the truth, Mark needs to be made accountable for it and face those consequences.

Assess your wife's reaction to your telling her this.  There is only one right answer imo, and it's that she agrees and you go to HR together. 

I also think you and your wife should seek couples counseling.  NOT just because of this incident but because of this. 

6 hours ago, lomi said:

When she calmed down, she told me what she remembers. She was upset when she left. She said she was angry at me, for not listening to her. 

Have you discussed this^?  

It sounds like your marriage was in trouble prior to this incident, work on resolving that.  Her anger and why she feels you don't listen. 

Not an accusation, just a suggestion.

Another thing that sounds troubling to me even though on its face it sounds like a small thing. 

6 hours ago, lomi said:

My wife never liked blowjobs, but on the video, she looks fully into it. The other thing is, she knew she was getting recorded, because at one point she stopped, and blew a kiss towards the camera, then laughed. 

Not sure why but if me, her blowing that kiss to the camera and laughing would really bother me. 

Regardless of whether she's telling the truth or not (and I honestly don't know, I wasn't there) her memory for detail including her own feelings in that moment and the fact she remembered having an orgasm is remarkable. 

[lostandhurt]

Go talk to Marks wife.  You are both caught in this mess together so you should talk to her in person.

  You do need to tell your wife she needs to get tested for STD's.  I don't recall the waiting period or how many times after they will want to test her but she needs to be tested no matter what the real truth is here.  She had unprotected sex with Mark plain and simple and needs to be tested for her own health.

  Company sponsored events fall under HR rules in many areas and since he was her boss he has a problem no matter what happened.  You and your wife need to report this to her HR right away.  Going to the police seems like the right thing to do but if she will not file a complaint then that is that.

 If you divorce or not will take time and counseling.  Find a couples counselor and make an appointment so you both can get professional help sorting through this.  A good therapist will see things clearly and help you decide what to do.  No matter how it turns out you both will benefit from counseling.

Lost

[Batya33]

I am in the role of learner in this thread as far as why this would happen in this way (the filiming etc) and motives for supplying video after the fact.

I wanted to chime in that I think it's a very good point that this likely isn't Mark's wife.  

I also like the idea of the husband and wife here going to HR or police -together -or at least HR.  I'm a little less comfortable -JMHO -with the idea of husband going with wife's opposition but I would understand that.

I also would recommend some sort of individual and or couples counseling or at least look into websites/book resources - I cannot imagine - and yes I think it complicates matters a lot that the OP has some resistance to believing/trusting.  And he chose to watch the video -I get it -but then you know you cannot unsee it....

[tattoobunnie]

Reminds me of the new movie, Blink Twice.

Different drugs do different things.  If you trust and love your wife, believe her.

[catfeeder]

4 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Different drugs do different things.

That's the key point here. Pointing a finger at this women because she didn't pass out speaks of too little knowledge about date rape drugs to say anything useful.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

That's the key point here. Pointing a finger at this women because she didn't pass out speaks of too little knowledge about date rape drugs to say anything useful.

Absolutely, I didn’t pass out . I am notoriously hard to knock out . In an operation I have counted back to 3 before I am out and I have woken with the breathing tube in my throat . Every single person has a different tolerance.

[catfeeder]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Absolutely, I didn’t pass out . I am notoriously hard to knock out . In an operation I have counted back to 3 before I am out and I have woken with the breathing tube in my throat . Every single person has a different tolerance.

I'm sorry you went through that, S.

Not every date rape drug is designed to knock a person unconscious. The drug used on this woman, apparently, had the desired effect.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'm sorry you went through that, S.

Not every date rape drug is designed to knock a person unconscious. The drug used on this woman, apparently, had the desired effect.

Exactly . And I bet the person texting him isn’t the wife either . 

[catfeeder]

8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

... I bet the person texting him isn’t the wife either . 

It sounds like the guy did this to deliberately try to break up this woman's marriage.

I'd stand behind my wife, and I'd be MORE invested in my marriage and family, not less.

[redswim30]

26 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Exactly . And I bet the person texting him isn’t the wife either . 

YES.  And it's also HIGHLY suspect that the "wife" is telling the OP to divorce his wife.   That REEKS of " split them up so they don't unify against me and seek to hold me accountable.  Make them too busy with trauma and divorcing each other so they don't focus on me and my crime."

He's accomplishing his goal of humiliating her and trying to ruin her life. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Another reason to go to HR and/or the police. 

There are two extremely explicit and incriminating videos and it's not uncommon for perpetrators to upload such videos on line.  It could possibly go viral. 

Once that happens, it's there for life and your wife's reputation would be severely tarnished. 

There was a story about this in the news a few years ago - similar situation, woman was drugged at a party and gang raped. 

It was all video recorded, it went viral, the woman ended up committing suicide.

Truly sad story.  Devastating.

Those videos need to he confiscated, ASAP before this happens. 

Perhaps if your wife knew this, and understood the seriousness of it, it would give her the push she needed to report it to the police.

 

 

 

 

[redswim30]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Another reason to go to HR and/or the police. 

There are two extremely explicit and incriminating videos and it's not uncommon for perpetrators to upload such videos on line.  It could possibly go viral. 

Once that happens, it's there for life and your wife's reputation would be severely tarnished. 

There was a story about this in the news a few years ago - similar situation, woman was drugged at a party and gang raped. 

It was all video recorded, it went viral, the woman ended up committing suicide.

Those videos need to he confiscated, ASAP before this happens. 

Yes.  I've done enough work with police to know- perpetrators and blackmailers do this sort of thing to protect themselves and have leverage against incrimination.  The "wife" already did this when the OP used the word "rape", sent "proof". 

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, redswim30 said:

He would do it to provide "proof" that it was consensual.  (Sick people do often film their own sexual assaults, it's ordinary consensual affairs in which people don't want evidence) I agree that the filming is the off part, just in a different way- 

Why would someone not expecting to sleep with someone have a recording ready and know exactly when and where to place it if it was unexpected "in the moment" and not planned? Why would a superior film himself having sex with a subordinate knowing that would get him fired? 

How would his SPOUSE know exactly where these deleted videos are, who her husband is ( I guarantee my husband does not remember or have access to my co-workers' spouses names- and even I don't have their phone numbers!) and have be sending explicit videos that implicate her husband?  Even if she was mad or wanting to divorce him, that does not make sense.  IMO, most wives would be ashamed and not want EVIDENCE getting out there.  

To me, the BIG tell here is the SECOND video sent to the OP.  He mentions the word rape and immediately IMMEDIATELY, there's another longer and more explicit video?  Kinda convenient, don't you think? The wife instantly has her husband's phone, knows exactly where this other video is and sends it instantly to the OP? 

FISHY.  FISH. Y.

Indeed. The quickness in which the videos were obtained and sent to the OP is highly suspicious.  It would be unusual for a wife to know exactly where such incriminating evidence is kept on her husband's phone and so readily share it with a complete stranger, the OP in this case. 

How did Mark's wife even get your telephone number?

OP, the right thing to do here is to stand by your wife and find out the truth, the entire truth. Support her and listen to her story. Cheating is one thing but facing an allegation like this is different. It is emotionally draining and hurtful. These situations also break families and marriages. Be very careful before you jump to any conclusion. Find out all the facts. You’ve been with her for 9 years and have children together.

I don't think you're wrong for having questions, you witnessed another side of your wife that you're unfamiliar with and if you're unfamiliar with the effects of alcohol and date rape drugs naturally it'll look like she was enjoying it.  What looks like enjoyment could possibly be an effect of alcohol/drugs, which not only heightens libido it also causes people to do things they normally wouldn't.

It can also act as a sedative (depending on which specific drug), hence why it's used as date rape cocktails to make people pass out and have no recollection / recollection if some one takes a small amount and is partially sedated which is where people that have been on it out before will walk home safely and it looked like they were fully functional during the period they were on it. 

[lomi]

One of my wife's coworkers wrote back. He is completely natural, as far as I know, he doesn't have strong opinions on either Mark or my wife. He was also there that night. Here is what happened according to him:

My wife was visibly sad at the start of the trip. He asked if I know Linda. I told him no, I don't know her. He told me she is on good terms with my wife, and was the only person she talked to during the trip. Apparently, my wife complained to Linda during the entire trip about me, how I don't listen to her problems, and how I ignore her, how she felt about the trip, etc. I know that at least some of this is true, because there were some details about our argument, that he couldn't have known about, unless my wife told them. He told me Linda basically spent the whole time riling my wife up against me. He told me he didn't say anything, but he was annoyed he had to listen to their drama during the trip. That day, before the evening, my wife spent the entire late afternoon with Linda. During the evening, Mark approached my wife, and they started talking and drinking. He says he left the room, and only came back an hour later, but at that point, my wife and Mark were heavily flirting. He told me he never saw my wife acting like that before, he felt pretty awkward. After they went into Mark's room, they could hear sounds of her laughing, so they assumed she was okay. The next day, my wife acted like nothing happened, and on the way back, she sat next to Linda, but he couldn't hear what they were saying. I asked him how does Linda look, he said she has long black hair and freckles.

I rewatched the video. I had a hunch the girl sitting next to my wife was Linda, and I'm 95% sure she is. She was sitting next to my wife, and during the whole thing, she was subtly encouraging her behaviour, occasionally chiming in on the conversation. On second watch, I think my wife knew exactly why she was going into Mark's room. If her words, and the tone of her voice didn't make it clear enough, she kept glancing down at his crotch. As they stumbled in, my wife looked surprised Mark actually showed her the view. Before he kissed her, she gave him "that look", and puckered her lips, so (now that I saw it for a second time) it's obvious she wanted a kiss.

I could forgive her flirting, but I can't unsee her giving a blowjob and swallowing (which she NEVER EVER did for me), or her moaning and calling out his name. I can't even hug her, because I instantly remember how they cuddled, and I feel uncomfortable. Also, every coworker who actually wrote back to me, said they were surprised, because the trip was 2 months ago, and Mark and my wife were on friendly terms since. I wrote to Linda, and she blocked me. About Mark's wife, I don't know if she is her, I know the wife herself is real (I think?), but maybe Mark is writing in her name? Whatever it is, I don't want to talk to him/her again, I don't want more "evidence". The truth is, I don't know what to believe anymore, I can't make sense of it. What do you think? If someone could rationalize this for me, or write a timeline on what they think realistically happened during that trip, I would appreciate it, because I am completely lost.

[yogacat]

I think what you need to do is get your wife in for some trauma therapy, assuming you're wanting to stay married. If you're not, then I would say this relationship isn't or wasn't anything close to healthy and you should move on.

But you sound unsure which tells me that you do want this marriage to work, so it's time to go beyond the surface. I think it's pretty apparent at this point that she does need help. Set aside whatever you may think to ask of her for the moment. Let's focus on her. Let your wife know that this is important for her. Of course this is also about protecting yourself, you can't ignore your pain but you do have to respect that pain somewhere because you were in love with this woman.

You must care about her, you must be worried about her and if you're not, then it seems to me that it's already over for the long haul.

[Seraphim]

Whatever the reality of it you both need therapy together because she was obviously pissy about being forced into this trip with someone she hated. 

[lomi]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

You must care about her, you must be worried about her and if you're not, then it seems to me that it's already over for the long haul.

I care for her, I am worried about her, but my heart is broken into pieces. Please, tell me as someone who is not emotionally biased, like I am, what do you think happened? I just want your opinion, to get another perspective.

[dias]

You can support her, you can go to therapy with her, you can report the rape (if there is one in the first place) but at this point it would be difficult to salvage the marriage. You can't unsee what you saw.