I found out my wife cheated on me, she says she was drugged. No idea what to do

[ShySoul]

14 hours ago, The Shark101 said:

She won't go to the police because an experienced police investigator will get to the truth in 5 minutes, and that, she doesn't want to happen for a very good reason. 
So the best course of action for her is to blame the boss but do nothing to prove that what she's saying actually happened ( the tape).
And because you can't prove she's lying, you have to believe she's not.

She's playing you really good.

Rape is drastically under reported for a good number of reasons, included comments like this that automatically assue the victim is lying or at fault.

If there is any chance it happened, then for her health and safety, believe her.

Some research for you:

https://aspirecounselingmo.com/blog/women-wait-report-sexual-assault-rape

https://ballardbrief.byu.edu/issue-briefs/the-underreporting-and-dismissal-of-sexual-assault-cases-against-women-in-the-united-states

The NCVS estimates that more than 2 out of every 3 rapes go unreported. Some scholars even estimate that the reporting rate is below 5%. Sexual assault (rape, in particular) is frequently labeled as the most underreported crime in the US. Approximately 31% of rapes are reported, meaning more than 2 out of every 3 rapes go unreported.To put that into perspective, approximately 62% of robberies and 63% of assault and battery crimes are reported to police, with only around 1 out of 3 crimes going unreported.

[ShySoul]

If you need resources or help in figuring out what steps to take: https://rainn.org/resources

 

[Seraphim]

Even once reported justice isn’t guaranteed. I know I never got justice and I was a child . My attacker walked free. 

[ShySoul]

28 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Even once reported justice isn’t guaranteed. I know I never got justice and I was a child . My attacker walked free. 

Sorry that happened to you (or any person for that matter). Rape is easiy the most heinous act there is.  Can't stand how many people get away with it. Or for that matter, how many even brag about getting away with it. Wish every one of them would be locked up for good.

[The Shark101]

13 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Those "experienced police investigators" and your dismissive attitude are some of the reasons why rape and sexual assault are so underreported and traumatizing.

My dismissive attitude is not because I don't believe they're rapes but because she doesn't want to go to police and punish the person who she claims drugs and raped her.

She pretty much doesn't want to do anything: Not leaving her job, not report to HR, not going to police, all  that's is just too suspicious. 

Everyone believes her story without questions just because she is a woman.  It's like "No way woman will lie to save her skin" ,and just because she is a woman she's getting a free card.

I hope the OP will have the balls to come back here when he'll find the true about all that. 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Whole thing is not adding up.

[redswim30]

10 hours ago, The Shark101 said:

My dismissive attitude is not because I don't believe they're rapes but because she doesn't want to go to police and punish the person who she claims drugs and raped her.

She pretty much doesn't want to do anything: Not leaving her job, not report to HR, not going to police, all  that's is just too suspicious. 

Everyone believes her story without questions just because she is a woman.  It's like "No way woman will lie to save her skin" ,and just because she is a woman she's getting a free card.

I hope the OP will have the balls to come back here when he'll find the true about all that. 

 

The vast majority of rapes go unreported.   Most women who have been raped do not have any desire to see the person "punished".  They feel so violated and shamed and awful- being raped for a woman, is for most of us, the worst thing that will ever happen to us. 

It has happened to me.  I was a child who couldn't even legally give consent and it was a full grown adult. And guess what?  The four (3 of whom were full grown women) people that knew, still blamed me. "I was too nice to him", " I dressed too cute", " I should have fought to get away"  (I did, but I was a scrawny 14 year old and the man was big and 28).  I couldn't tell my parents, they would have blamed me and punished me.  So I definitely couldn't report it in any way.  I just wanted to forget it ever happened, which through other women's stories and the work I do with both police and lawyers is an extremely common tale (Women who start to report then worry and stop because they are too afraid of retribution or it ruining their reputation IE people not believing them or simply having to relive that nightmare over and over again thru re-telling it and confronting the man). 

In this case, I don't believe this woman just because she's a woman.  I believe her for two key reasons- 

1.  She's never given her husband a reason not to trust her (Listen, if she had consistently had a crush on this guy and spoke of him well and was always flirting with him, I'd believe she DID cheat- I don't have the opinion that women are incapable of cheating or lying) BUT- in this case, she NEVER liked this man AND it was verified by other people in the office that this man always behaves this way with other women and it's weirdly accepted in this workplace. 

2. The Events of the Trip are too bizarre.  The fact that her behavior so wildly and radically changes, which the husband even admits is out of character for her is HIGHLY indicative of some drug being used- and contrary to popular belief, most rape drugs do NOT knock you out cold- they can make you sluggish/tired but mostly they make you lose control of yourself, impair your judgment, and make things hazy- and yes, some of them physiologically make you aroused. Sounds like this man used Ketamine or a Mickey Finn- the wife's behavior indicates this- a detachment from reality and not being able to remember it all.   The biggest red flag of all- that this man filmed it all.  People having affairs don't tend to want to create evidence of said affair.  This highly indicates a PLAN the man had, as evidenced by the fact that he filmed her both prior to and after said impairment.  It's also a sneaky way to kinda "loophole" evidence (fraudsters often do this to try and create some manufactured 'reasonable doubt' IE their own alibi). 

So even IF IFFFFFFFF you want to TRY and stretch and say that this was "consensual"- this man STILL would be a sexual predator for encouraging relations with a subordinate, coaxing her (check out the view from my room- come ON), and FILMING HER.   This predator's wife can say whatever she wants, I think this is a man that films his "conquests".  Even IF the OP's wife did anything willingly, there's still a case against him here.  At the very least, this man is still a married man actively trying to sleep with female subordinates at a business conference.  SCUM. BAG. 

None of us were there.  But based on the story here, I think the circumstantial evidence is too great to not believe drugging was involved.    

My advice to the OP remains the same.  Support your wife.  Believe her.  Get medical attention to test for STD's.  Try and encourage her to report it.  It's her choice, but at the VERY least, she deserves support, the option to go to therapy and a husband that doesn't abandon her when she needs him the most. 

And hey, I remain open to the possibility that I could be wrong.   Perhaps details will come to light that no one yet knows.  However, the actual evidence that the OP saw on the videos, as well as the prior knowledge of the interactions, behaviors, and opinions of both his wife and this man, really do strongly suggest that drugging was involved. 

 

[Seraphim]

I am so glad for the husband I have . He has always supported me and he didn’t even know me when the horrendous things happened to me . 

[yogacat]

40 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

The vast majority of rapes go unreported.   Most women who have been raped do not have any desire to see the person "punished".  They feel so violated and shamed and awful- being raped for a woman, is for most of us, the worst thing that will ever happen to us. 

It has happened to me.  I was a child who couldn't even legally give consent and it was a full grown adult. And guess what?  The four (3 of whom were full grown women) people that knew, still blamed me. "I was too nice to him", " I dressed too cute", " I should have fought to get away"  (I did, but I was a scrawny 14 year old and the man was big and 28).  I couldn't tell my parents, they would have blamed me and punished me.  So I definitely couldn't report it in any way.  I just wanted to forget it ever happened, which through other women's stories and the work I do with both police and lawyers is an extremely common tale (Women who start to report then worry and stop because they are too afraid of retribution or it ruining their reputation IE people not believing them or simply having to relive that nightmare over and over again thru re-telling it and confronting the man). 

In this case, I don't believe this woman just because she's a woman.  I believe her for two key reasons- 

1.  She's never given her husband a reason not to trust her (Listen, if she had consistently had a crush on this guy and spoke of him well and was always flirting with him, I'd believe she DID cheat- I don't have the opinion that women are incapable of cheating or lying) BUT- in this case, she NEVER liked this man AND it was verified by other people in the office that this man always behaves this way with other women and it's weirdly accepted in this workplace. 

2. The Events of the Trip are too bizarre.  The fact that her behavior so wildly and radically changes, which the husband even admits is out of character for her is HIGHLY indicative of some drug being used- and contrary to popular belief, most rape drugs do NOT knock you out cold- they can make you sluggish/tired but mostly they make you lose control of yourself, impair your judgment, and make things hazy- and yes, some of them physiologically make you aroused. Sounds like this man used Ketamine or a Mickey Finn- the wife's behavior indicates this- a detachment from reality and not being able to remember it all.   The biggest red flag of all- that this man filmed it all.  People having affairs don't tend to want to create evidence of said affair.  This highly indicates a PLAN the man had, as evidenced by the fact that he filmed her both prior to and after said impairment.  It's also a sneaky way to kinda "loophole" evidence (fraudsters often do this to try and create some manufactured 'reasonable doubt' IE their own alibi). 

So even IF IFFFFFFFF you want to TRY and stretch and say that this was "consensual"- this man STILL would be a sexual predator for encouraging relations with a subordinate, coaxing her (check out the view from my room- come ON), and FILMING HER.   This predator's wife can say whatever she wants, I think this is a man that films his "conquests".  Even IF the OP's wife did anything willingly, there's still a case against him here.  At the very least, this man is still a married man actively trying to sleep with female subordinates at a business conference.  SCUM. BAG. 

None of us were there.  But based on the story here, I think the circumstantial evidence is too great to not believe drugging was involved.    

My advice to the OP remains the same.  Support your wife.  Believe her.  Get medical attention to test for STD's.  Try and encourage her to report it.  It's her choice, but at the VERY least, she deserves support, the option to go to therapy and a husband that doesn't abandon her when she needs him the most. 

And hey, I remain open to the possibility that I could be wrong.   Perhaps details will come to light that no one yet knows.  However, the actual evidence that the OP saw on the videos, as well as the prior knowledge of the interactions, behaviors, and opinions of both his wife and this man, really do strongly suggest that drugging was involved. 

 

This is such a great post.

One thing that sticks out to me is that she willingly went into the hotel room with him. I would think that if you're roofied and can barely stand, would you voluntarily go into a private room with a man you barely know?

And then the fact that she was openly flirting and playing along with his advances, even if she was drugged, raises some questions. That is not to discredit and dismiss the possibility that she may have been drugged and taken advantage of, but her behavior in the video does not necessarily match up with someone who is completely out of control of their actions.

I think that's what is causing you the most confusion and turmoil. On one hand, you have the evidence that shows your wife being flirty and willing to go into a private room alone with this man. But on the other hand, you have her claiming that she was drugged and has no recollection of that night.

Before making any decisions, I would suggest talking to your wife calmly and openly about the situation. Ask her for more details about that night, what exactly happened and how she ended up in bed with him. Ask her why she didn't tell you or leave her job. Listen to her carefully and try to not let your emotions get the best of you.

It's also important to take into consideration her behavior after the incident. Did she continue to work with Mark? Did she act differently towards him? Did she seem upset or anxious? These are important details to consider when trying to determine the truth.

You also need to address the issue of him recording the videos. It's important to understand why she would participate in something like that, especially with a boss she dislikes. Is it possible that she was also using the videos as evidence against him? Again, this is something that only your wife can answer.

Ultimately, you have to decide what you believe and what you are willing to forgive. It's a difficult situation, but you owe it to yourself and your family to have an open and honest conversation with your wife. Seek counseling or therapy if needed, and make sure to take care of yourself during this challenging time. It is not easy to go through something like this, but with patience, understanding, and communication, you can find a way forward.

[Seraphim]

Everyone thinks they know what they will do until it happens to them . 

[yogacat]

15 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Everyone thinks they know what they will do until it happens to them . 

I wasn't roofied but I was sexually assaulted, three times.

The first time, was a random person and I did not have enough evidence to press charges.

The second time, I wanted to leave my job (and I did, without pressing charges, I just wanted it to go away).

The third time was a stranger and I would have loved to press charges but I did not have enough evidence against him.

I am not defending this Mark character but it's important to get to the bottom of it and it sounds like he has a history of inappropriate behavior with your wife and potentially with other coworkers. It's important for you to have a serious talk with your wife and get to the bottom of what happened on that trip. If she was under the influence and unable to give consent, that is considered rape and you need to support her in whatever decision she wants to make, whether that be pressing charges or leaving her job. 

 

[Seraphim]

23 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I wasn't roofied but I was sexually assaulted, three times.

The first time, was a random person and I did not have enough evidence to press charges.

The second time, I wanted to leave my job (and I did, without pressing charges, I just wanted it to go away).

The third time was a stranger and I would have loved to press charges but I did not have enough evidence against him.

I am not defending this Mark character but it's important to get to the bottom of it and it sounds like he has a history of inappropriate behavior with your wife and potentially with other coworkers. It's important for you to have a serious talk with your wife and get to the bottom of what happened on that trip. If she was under the influence and unable to give consent, that is considered rape and you need to support her in whatever decision she wants to make, whether that be pressing charges or leaving her job. 

 

The thing is she probably has to decide between paying bills and feeding her kids or that job. It is a hard decision. And it shouldn’t be used to determine “ her guilt “ so to speak. She may not have the ability to leave before she has another job. 
 

This guy has already proved to be a creeper by videoing his “ conquests “ so to speak. 
 

He said his wife was completely out of character. Shouldn’t that be concerning or an indication there is a problem?

As we both know wanting it to go away is the normal response. To try to carry on as normal IS a normal response though not healthy. It lead to me having a complete nervous breakdown in my 40’s. 0/10 rating I don’t recommend. 
 

Going to HR not always going to garner the right outcome either . My husband went to HR at a civi company he worked at to defend women being sexually harassed by a guy. Guess who ended up fired ? Yes, my husband. They also had to pay him a year salary so he would shut up and not sue them . 
 

I went into a courtroom at 14.  I wasn’t allowed to have my parents in the courtroom. I was allowed to be questioned by my attacker because he had no lawyer. He was a family member and he got off Scott free because it was my word against his And he had reduced me to a nervous breakdown before the trial could continue. He stalked me for 3 years after despite a lifetime restraining order. 

It is 100% stacked AGAINST victims and society buys into it . 

[yogacat]

7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

The thing is she probably has to decide between paying bills and feeding her kids or that job. It is a hard decision. And it shouldn’t be used to determine “ her guilt “ so to speak. She may not have the ability to leave before she has another job. 
 

This guy has already proved to be a creeper by videoing his “ conquests “ so to speak. 
 

He said his wife was completely out of character. Shouldn’t that be concerning or an indication there is a problem?

As we both know wanting it to go away is the normal response. To try to carry on as normal IS a normal response though not healthy. It lead to me having a complete nervous breakdown in my 40’s. 0/10 rating I don’t recommend. 
 

Going to HR not always going to garner the right outcome either . My husband went to HR at a civi company he worked at to defend women being sexually harassed by a guy. Guess who ended up fired ? Yes, my husband. They also had to pay him a year salary so he would shut up and not sue them . 
 

I went into a courtroom at 14.  I wasn’t allowed to have my parents in the courtroom. I was allowed to be questioned by my attacker because he had no lawyer. He was a family member and he got off Scott free because it was my word against his And he had reduced me to a nervous breakdown before the trial could continue. He stalked me for 3 years after despite a lifetime restraining order. 

It is 100% stacked AGAINST victims and society buys into it . 

I had to decide between a well paying job where I was making the equivalent of $100K a year. I didn't have kids but I did have a mortgage and other expenses. It's not an easy decision but ultimately, I couldn't keep going to a job where I felt violated and disrespected every day. It was affecting my mental health and I couldn't handle it anymore. 

Yes, I think that if the wife was acting out of character, it is definitely concerning and warrants further investigation. I have been under the influence before with a man on a date and I can tell you that even though I may have been laughing and having a good time at the moment, I did give my consent to anything that happened that night. 

You are right, going to HR does not always guarantee the right outcome. But that is why it is important to gather evidence and document everything. It is unfortunately a flawed system but it is important to try to hold perpetrators accountable. 

I am so sorry for what you have been through, that is absolutely horrific and no one should have to go through that. I hope that society continues to make changes and supports victims in a better way. Thank you for sharing your story and your perspective. 

[redswim30]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

This is such a great post.

One thing that sticks out to me is that she willingly went into the hotel room with him. I would think that if you're roofied and can barely stand, would you voluntarily go into a private room with a man you barely know?

And then the fact that she was openly flirting and playing along with his advances, even if she was drugged, raises some questions. That is not to discredit and dismiss the possibility that she may have been drugged and taken advantage of, but her behavior in the video does not necessarily match up with someone who is completely out of control of their actions.

 

First of all, thanks.  

That's just the thing though- about a lot of date rape drugs, a lot of them cause you to not really be able to make fully conscious choices.  

For example, Ketamine- which is a common drug used for date rape.  (It's real purpose is for depression and sometimes to aid anesthetic)- It causes hallucinations, it makes people feel disconnected from reality and not in control.  Kids often abuse this at parties for these exact reasons.   It's often called a "fantasy drug" as you don't feel in your body.  Reports of this drug are often of people claiming to have met God- that's how out of control it can make you feel. 

So yes, someone could easily go to a room voluntarily as in a drugged state, she may have believed she was dreaming or with her husband or something even more off the wall.  It's not only possible, it's plausible and if she was smiling a lot and unresponsive, this is actually a pretty strong suggestion of this. 

I also think a lot of people are blaming her and missing the point about the man in this situation.  Whether or not his wife was drugged, even IF she consented- this is still a married man, offering to take a work subordinate up to his hotel room who is married AND clearly not acting herself and then filming it.  Flirting is not consent to any of this.  And even IF she did say yes, HE still should have said no- and NOT under any circumstances been filming it.  The man's wife can defend that he "likes to film" everything, but we must ask ourselves how and why and how this man knew exactly when and what to film, if he didn't have a plan.  He took advantage of her, any way you slice it, even IF she said Yes.   To compare another off topic situation- two single people, but the man is sober and the woman is falling over drunk and saying yes- it would STILL be scummy of the man to sleep with her.  THAT's the point.  And clearly, this man has a history of being inappropriate with female co-workers, which says a lot. 

Playing the devil's advocate- let's imagine for a moment that this WAS a consensual affair- why film it?  And if it wasn't a premeditated plan on his part, how does he capture all these precise moments on film if he didn't know when to start filming?  Him being drunk doesn't add up and him being sober and not being planned, doesn't make sense that he just HAPPENED to film exact moments, where she was seemingly unaware of being on camera, up to and including in your hotel room.   If you're just a common sleazebag, having an ordinary affair and an unplanned opportunity, how do you have your phone immediately "at the ready"? 

All this is why I believe her.   

It's disgusting that this man's wife wants to blame the OP's wife instead of her creep husband. 

 

[Seraphim]

19 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

First of all, thanks.  

That's just the thing though- about a lot of date rape drugs, a lot of them cause you to not really be able to make fully conscious choices.  

For example, Ketamine- which is a common drug used for date rape.  (It's real purpose is for depression and sometimes to aid anesthetic)- It causes hallucinations, it makes people feel disconnected from reality and not in control.  Kids often abuse this at parties for these exact reasons.   It's often called a "fantasy drug" as you don't feel in your body.  Reports of this drug are often of people claiming to have met God- that's how out of control it can make you feel. 

So yes, someone could easily go to a room voluntarily as in a drugged state, she may have believed she was dreaming or with her husband or something even more off the wall.  It's not only possible, it's plausible and if she was smiling a lot and unresponsive, this is actually a pretty strong suggestion of this. 

I also think a lot of people are blaming her and missing the point about the man in this situation.  Whether or not his wife was drugged, even IF she consented- this is still a married man, offering to take a work subordinate up to his hotel room who is married AND clearly not acting herself and then filming it.  Flirting is not consent to any of this.  And even IF she did say yes, HE still should have said no- and NOT under any circumstances been filming it.  The man's wife can defend that he "likes to film" everything, but we must ask ourselves how and why and how this man knew exactly when and what to film, if he didn't have a plan.  He took advantage of her, any way you slice it, even IF she said Yes.   To compare another off topic situation- two single people, but the man is sober and the woman is falling over drunk and saying yes- it would STILL be scummy of the man to sleep with her.  THAT's the point.  And clearly, this man has a history of being inappropriate with female co-workers, which says a lot. 

Playing the devil's advocate- let's imagine for a moment that this WAS a consensual affair- why film it?  And if it wasn't a premeditated plan on his part, how does he capture all these precise moments on film if he didn't know when to start filming?  Him being drunk doesn't add up and him being sober and not being planned, doesn't make sense that he just HAPPENED to film exact moments, where she was seemingly unaware of being on camera, up to and including in your hotel room.   If you're just a common sleazebag, having an ordinary affair and an unplanned opportunity, how do you have your phone immediately "at the ready"? 

All this is why I believe her.   

It's disgusting that this man's wife wants to blame the OP's wife instead of her creep husband. 

 

Yep, whatever drug was slipped in my drink caused me to see talking animals with pink and purple dots . We are talking giraffes and such. Combined with the alcohol I was screaming at non existent creatures for hours . My mom didn’t know better and just thought I was drunk and decided to “ fix my backside” and make me clean the cat box and go grocery shopping at 8 AM. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, yogacat said:

I am not defending this Mark character but it's important to get to the bottom of it...

100% agree.   We can't just take someone's word. That is not what our judicial system is about nor should it be the court of public opinion either.  

There needs to actual evidence, an investigation into the matter or at the very least an honest and forthright conversation between the OP and his wife with some difficult questions being asked and answered. 

No one is victim shaming because we have questions.  That is how we find out the truth, by asking questions and gathering evidence. 

Our entire judicial system would be in complete shambles without this process. 

There IS quite a bit of ambiguity surrounding this particular situation and to take someone's word without obtaining the necessary evidence is biased. 

I was also sexually assaulted (date rape) and I didn't file a police report either. 

I DID contact the police however and spoke in great length with a very kind female detective who asked me questions and from.my answers, tone and demeanor on the phone, she made a determination that I was telling the truth and strongly encouraged me to file charges. 

I was very young, inexperienced and scared so didn't but she did provide me with rape counselors and a support group.

To the OP @lomi, if you're still reading, would love an update when you get a chance I think we all would. 

In any event, I hope you and your wife are okay.

[Seraphim]

The OP should speak with a counsellor about how to approach his wife and not just demand answers. 
 

Like I said , so so so thankful for my husband who loved and supported me . His unwavering support let me understand there are good men in this world. 

[lostandhurt]

5 days and 35 responses since the OP last commented.  Either he does not want to get dragged into the debate, he just wanted to vent or this was all to get people riled up.

  Lomi are you still checking your thread?  If so what have you decided to do?

 

Lost

[shouldhavelearned]

Agree with above. 

People come in and post, never to come back.

 

Other people take over and share stories.

 

Another sad part is that other adults were there and probably knew something was up and didn't do anything.

I've been out a few times with people I knew and when they were acting weird, I stopped them from doing stupid stuff. They were much happier the next day!

[lomi]

Hi everyone. Sorry for not posting, the last few days were crazy. My wife stopped going to work, but she didn't actually quit yet. I wanted to learn everything I could about that night. I checked the pictures my wife and her coworkers shared about the trip, but I didn't see anything weird. I asked one of her coworkers, she said she doesn't know a lot either. She said my wife was not in a good mood during the trip, Mark consoled her, then they spent the evening talking to each other. She says she doesn't know what happened after, because she went to sleep, but the next morning, one of the other coworkers saw my wife coming out of Mark's bedroom. She told me she doesn't want to get into it, and then she ghosted me.

I wrote back to Mark's wife, telling her, that Mark raped my wife, and I'm going to the police. She said my wife wasn't raped, whatever my wife told me is a lie. She told me she is not trying to defend Mark, he is an ***, but my wife was a willing participant. She told me she has proof, that she did it willingly, but she doesn't want to send it to me, for my sake. I told her to send me everything she has, because I can't sleep, I have to know what happened. She sent me a very long video, I regret watching it, it broke my heart. I watched my wife, the woman I thought I knew better than anyone, give Mark, who I thought she hated, a blowjob. My wife never liked blowjobs, but on the video, she looks fully into it. The other thing is, she knew she was getting recorded, because at one point she stopped, and blew a kiss towards the camera, then laughed. At that point I had to stop watching, I had to vomit. I only sped through the rest of the video. Long story short, Mark put down the phone, and it recorded... a lot. I never heard her moan like that before, the whole thing made me sick. The worst part is, that I think she had multiple orgasms. Mark's wife told me to get a divorce, she is going to divorce Mark too.

I went to my wife, and asked her to tell me everything, down to the last detail. I showed her the video Mark's wife sent me, and she started crying hysterically. When she calmed down, she told me what she remembers. She was upset when she left. She said she was angry at me, for not listening to her. She was uncomfortable during the trip, she didn't enjoy it at all. That evening, everyone had a drink, and Mark started talking to her. For once, he was actually nice, asked her what's wrong. My wife didn't tell him, but appreciated the gesture. She thought they can bury the hatchet, at least. After some small talk, he asked her, if she wants a drink. My wife didn't want to accept it, but when he turned away, with a sad, disappointed look, she felt like he handed her an olive branch, and she threw it away. She accepted the drink, and they kept talking. My wife wanted to go back to her room, but she was waiting for the polite time to excuse herself. She wanted to end the conversation, but it kept dragging on. After a while, she started feeling something. She says it was a small thing at first, but it overtook her. She told me it was like a warm blanket has been placed on her, and all her thoughts started melting away. She remembers feeling relaxed, and the world become more colorful and the lights started slightly dancing. She said she felt the warmness go down into her stomach and then it spread, and it was like a tingling or almost burning feeling, almost like her body was yearning to be touched. She said after that, Mark started flirting with her. She saw that Mark was recording, but at that point, she didn't care at all. She said everything is hazy after that, but she remembers she wanted to show off her looks, that is why she unbuttoned her blouse. She remembers that she bent over slightly, to give him a better view, and when Mark complimented her, she said she felt so sexy, it was surreal. She said she has never been that aroused in her entire life. She has flashes of them kissing, she doesn't remember the blowjob, when I asked, she admitted, that she remembers having an orgasm. Next day, she woke up with a terrible headache. She got dressed and left. She said she vomited multiple times, her coworkers thought she just had a bad hangover. When she remembered that he was recording, she asked Mark to delete the videos, and he did delete them, in front of her. I guess he didn't really delete them, since the videos still exist. She said Mark acted like it was consensual.

She cried, told me she loves me, and asked me to forgive her, she couldn't stop crying. She told me she hates herself. I am sleeping on the couch, ever since this thing started. My wife barely eats, and our kids started noticing that something is VERY wrong, but they don't know what. I told her we can put this behind us, if she goes to the police. She doesn't want to, she said she will quit her job, but she doesn't want to go to the police. She said she loves me, but I feel like I can't look at her like before. That video burned into my mind. The way she called out his name, the sensual way she did those things with him, come to my mind every time I look at her. I don't want a divorce, but I also can't pretend like nothing happened, even though I want to believe what she's saying. There is a voice in my head, that's saying maybe she was just got drunk, and made a mistake, or she took the drug willingly, but it got out of hand. I don't know. I think I need time to think. Thanks to everyone who offered me advice, I'm trying to not fall apart, but I am literally shaking as I'm writing this.

[dias]

It might be legit that she got drugged but I don't think your marriage is salvageable. 

[Batya33]

It is going to come down to whether you believe her recounting of being drugged -the haziness/lights and getting sick the next day.  Obviously she can google how it feels to be drugged so it's going to come down to whether you believe what she told you. Also it's odd that Mark recorded it if he drugged her but what do I know about what people are capable of.  This whole situation is awful.  Can the kids spend time with friends, or relatives etc to get some time away from the vibe in the house?

Also even if not police is she willing to go to HR and  tell them -wouldn't she want to protect other women from this person??

[jazz_lover]

Does sound very suspect that mark would be brazen enough to drug her while other colleagues were around. No idea what the drug could be but the effects are unpredictable so it was taking a huge risk. It would make more sense if she simply had too much to drink and that lowered her inhibitions. 
That would be diminished responsibility but still cheating. 
 

And if such a magical drug existed that acted as an aphrodisiac and lowered inhibitions and allowed you to drug people in plain sight with bystanders non the wiser and without making the person unconscious then I think it would be well known by now. 
 

I don’t think she’s blameless but there are mitigating circumstances. She was probably under the influence of something. It was a work business trip so difficult for her to escape from the situation and a lot of pressure was exerted on her. 

But ultimately it does depend on whether you’re able to forgive her and the problem is that unlike most situations of cheating where you hear about it second hand you’ve seen videos you’ll never be able to erase from your mind 

[Coily]

Something that keeps coming to my mind, is the person pretending to be mark's wife is actually mark himself. He's getting off on torturing you with this.

This is really a murky situation, while on one hand I think siding with your wife is the right thing; she needs to be willing to  punish mark; as it's not like she's completely alone here. 

Me personally, if your wife is unwilling to press charges, I would march right into the HR department make the accusation; with the video and make every effort to get mark fired. Maybe, don't do this, but that's how furious I'd be.

[yogacat]

I'm curious how did Mark's wife get your phone number exactly? By looking it up for herself, did her husband give it to her, or did you give it?

Maybe they drugged your wife that night and lured her into a trap and filmed it. I don't know what the motive would be for that, but something's just off with the whole thing. People often don't have that much memory of being roofied and especially sexually aroused and orgasmic.

If your wife did not know that she was under the influence of a drug, and did not proceed recklessly or with willful blindness, then she would have a valid defense of honest mistaken belief in consent. In other words, she could get raped if she had one drink too many and thought she was legally fit to consent.

Drugs like roofies can cause a person to act out of character, behave in ways they wouldn't normally, and even have memory gaps. While it's possible that your wife was not raped and willingly engaged in sexual activity with Mark, it's also possible that she was not in control of her actions due to the drug.

By the way, the person that assaulted me at work, albeit not as horrific as this, I did report to HR, I just didn't press formal charges.

If she truly believes she was drugged and taken advantage of, it's important for her to seek justice and prevent this from happening to anyone else. Of course she's probably afraid of the repercussions of coming forward, but it's important for you to support her in whatever decision she makes.

You may never know the full truth, and that's something you'll have to come to terms with.