I found out my wife cheated on me, she says she was drugged. No idea what to do

[lomi]

Me and my wife have been together for 9 years. We have two children, a 6 year old son, and a 4 year old daughter. My wife went back to work a year ago, when our daughter started going to kindergarten. It immediately became apparent, that her boss, Mark, is an ***. My wife constantly complained about him, how he keeps calling her "blondie" and "sweetheart" and stuff like that. She told him to stop several times, and he did, but only for a while. Her coworkers told her it's not a big deal, he talks like this to everyone, it's his way of being friendly. 2 months ago, my wife went on a 3 day buisness trip. She wasn't happy about it at all. I tried to calm her down, told her to quit if she hates this job so much, she told me she loves the job, she just hates Mark. I told her she should at least try to enjoy the trip, she got pissed, that I'm not listening to her. We had an argument, and the next day, she went on the trip. I could tell she was still angry, but didn't know what to say to her. When she came back, she was silent during the whole day. She didn't really talk about the trip, she just kept looking at me. I assumed she was still hurt, because of our argument, so I apologized to her, and told her I'll try to be more attentive in the future. Since then, she never complained about her boss, when I asked her about it, she kept changing the topic, it was very weird. Yesterday, I was messaged by Mark's wife. She told me Mark cheated on her with my wife. She sent me 3 videos, told me she found these on Mark's phone. On the first video, my wife and the other coworkers are in some living room area, and Mark is talking to my wife. My wife is dismissive towards him, he calls her "beautiful", praises her work, but my wife doesn't look interested. He then shows the camera the hotel room. On the next video, it's night, everyone is in different clothes so I assume this was recorded on another day. It's night, they are in the hotel, everyone is drinking. My wife looks like a different person, she unbuttoned her blouse, let down her hair, laughing loudly at Mark's jokes. Mark keeps complimenting her, and she is eating it up, smiling at him. They keep talking, and my wife is the life of the party, which is not like her at all, she's normally very shy. On the third video, there are fewer people, the lights are dimmer, and my wife is sitting across the table, looking at Mark. She is playing with her hair, which I know she only does when she's in the mood. Mark called her sexy, and my wife didn't say anything, just smiled at him. They flirted for a while, then Mark started talking about how nice the view from his bedroom is. My wife showed interest, and Mark offered to show her. They went in, and Mark showed her the view. Suddenly, Mark put down the phone, and based on the sounds, they started kissing. After that, Mark turned off the camera. I asked Mark's wife, why Mark recorded these, she said he loves recording everything, it's like an obsession for him. I confronted my wife, and she started crying, told me she doesn't remember that night, she must have been drugged. I asked her who drugged her, she said Mark gave her a drink, and then she only remembers waking up the next morning in his bed. She asked me to forgive her, but I don't know if I could even believe her. If she was drugged, wouldn't she just pass out, like a zombie? She looked like she was enjoying every second of it, but it's true, that she didn't look like herself, so I have no idea. If she was raped, why didn't she tell me, why didn't she leave her job? She says she doesn't want to go to the police, but she didn't go to work today. I have no one to ask for advice, we didn't talk since then, and I feel like I'm going insane. I don't want to divorce her, I want to keep our family together, but I can't even look at her. What should I do?

[TeeDee]

You encouraged your wife to go on this trip when she didn't want to.  Knowing what a jerk this boss was, I can't say I'm surprised this happened.  He sounds like the type.  You dismissed her intuition that this trip was a bad idea & look what happened. 

Now your wife tells you that she is the victim of a crime.  Instead of supporting her & offering rape crisis counseling you are victim blaming & talking about divorcing her.  Good grief.  

You should tell her you love & that you are very sorry for not trusting her.  Then you need to encourage her to go to the police or at least talk to a rape crisis counselor.  See if you can get her to talk to an attorney too.  She has grounds for a personal injury case & an sexual harassment case based on the assault.  Do not let her quit until you talk to the lawyer; sometimes if you quit you can't sue.  But do tell her you support her decision to never go back to that job again.  

Finally, get her some real therapy.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

Do not let her quit until you talk to the lawyer; sometimes if you quit you can't sue. 

This^ is incorrect @TeeDeeat least in the US.  I don't know where the OP lives.  

No court of law would expect an employee to return to work after being drugged and sexually assaulted.  By either their boss or co-worker. 

But even if that weren't the case, an employee has the legal right to sue after they leave a job.  

OP, your wife claims she was sexually assaulted.  Drugged and raped. 

This is an extremely serious crime and should have been reported immediately!

If not to the police (which she should have but sadly even today, many women don't), but at least to HR at her job!

If true the man is dangerous!  A rapist. 

I don't want to accuse her of anything without getting all the facts however her not wanting to report it and actually returning to work is definitely suss as well as the photos sent by the guy's wife. 

At first I thought she may be in shock or in denial but she admitted she was drugged (or thinks she was) so that's not the case.  She's quite aware.  

I was drugged and sexually assaulted years ago and I was unconscious; if someone were there taking photos, that would have been VERY obvious.

I certainly would not have appeared as if I was enjoying myself!  Unbuttoning my blouse, kissing him, flirting and willingly accompanying him to the bedroom.

And why would this guy's wife contact you and send photos? 

Again I don't know and don't want to accuse her of lying. 

Just use common sense and continue communicating. Encourage her to speak with HR, other women could possibly be in danger of this alleged predator!

It's the responsible thing to do.

Also encourage her to speak with a rape counselor, rape often has long term effects.

Gauge her response. You know her best.  

I'm sorry this happened and good luck! 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, lomi said:

She asked me to forgive her...

Also, think about this^ comment.  

If she were drugged and raped, what would she need to be forgiven for?

She would have done nothing wrong, she's a victim of a crime. 

Did you ask her? 

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, lomi said:

She sent me 3 videos, told me she found these on Mark's phone. On the first video, my wife and the other coworkers are in some living room area, and Mark is talking to my wife. My wife is dismissive towards him, he calls her "beautiful", praises her work, but my wife doesn't look interested. He then shows the camera the hotel room. On the next video, it's night, everyone is in different clothes so I assume this was recorded on another day. It's night, they are in the hotel, everyone is drinking. My wife looks like a different person, she unbuttoned her blouse, let down her hair, laughing loudly at Mark's jokes. Mark keeps complimenting her, and she is eating it up, smiling at him. They keep talking, and my wife is the life of the party, which is not like her at all, she's normally very shy. On the third video, there are fewer people, the lights are dimmer, and my wife is sitting across the table, looking at Mark. She is playing with her hair, which I know she only does when she's in the mood. Mark called her sexy, and my wife didn't say anything, just smiled at him. They flirted for a while, then Mark started talking about how nice the view from his bedroom is. My wife showed interest, and Mark offered to show her. They went in, and Mark showed her the view. Suddenly, Mark put down the phone, and based on the sounds, they started kissing. After that, Mark turned off the camera.

For her to go from being 0 percent interested in Mark to 100 percent in one night of course looks odd.

Let’s take your wife on her word that she was drugged and violated. Most people who are drugged experience loss of memory and wake up feeling not so good.

I wonder if being drugged with something like Ecstasy or Ketamine can increase one's likelihood to share those kinds of moments? Some drugs may cause a person to black out, but not all drugs have the same effects on everyone. She could have been conscious during the experience, but may have been unable to communicate or set boundaries due to the effects of the drug. 

I would think if she was intentional and not drugged she wouldn't consent to being filmed in the event it were to come back to you or his wife.

Alcohol is ingested intentionally. Date rape drugs aren't. Maybe she was flirting then she was drugged and lost control and woke up in the morning not knowing what happened. She most likely is terrified to tell you and afraid of what you will think. Her silence could be out of shame and fear. These are all common reactions to sexual assault or rape.

The truth is strange things can happen, even the victim might not understand how or why they respond.

This is such a complicated matter.

Perhaps in time you will learn the truth of the matter.

Encourage her to talk to someone, a therapist or a support group for sexual assault survivors. Let her know that you are there for her, no matter what, and that you will support her in whatever decision she makes, whether it's going to the police or not. She needs a safe and supportive space to process her experience and to make a decision about how she wants to move forward.

In the meantime, take care of yourself as well. This is a very difficult situation for you too so being angry, confused, and hurt is normal. 

[Seraphim]

I was drugged and raped at 19. I wasn’t unconscious but was hallucinating for hours and hours past the rape . It entirely depends on the drug used. 
 

And victims of crimes don’t tell people because of situations like this , where they aren’t believed . 

[lomi]

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

For her to go from being 0 percent interested in Mark to 100 percent in one night of course looks odd.

That's what I don't understand. On the first video, she looks like her normal self, then on the second one, she's all smiles and sunshine with Mark. I've never seen her like that before.

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I was drugged and sexually assaulted years ago and I was unconscious; if someone were there taking photos, that would have been VERY obvious.

I certainly would not have appeared as if I was enjoying myself!  Unbuttoning my blouse, kissing him, flirting and willingly accompanying him to the bedroom.

I'm sorry that happened to you. This is what's bothering me. My wife says she was raped, but on the video, it doesn't look like she was uncomfortable. She was very cleary flirting with him, it doesn't look like she was forced. If I saw the videos without knowing my wife, I would say she seduced Mark, and not the other way around. Is there a drug, that can induce this type of behaviour?

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

Alcohol is ingested intentionally. Date rape drugs aren't. Maybe she was flirting then she was drugged and lost control and woke up in the morning not knowing what happened.

But why would she flirt with him in the first place? We had a fight before she left, but I thought she hated Mark. Then again, I thought she hated it, when Mark called her "blondie", but on the video, she looks like she enjoys it. Maybe I don't know her. I just can't make sense of this. If she was raped, why didn't she tell me, and leave her job? I feel like my head is going to explode.

[TeeDee]

She wasn't flirting.  She was pressure to go on the trip & to fit in when she was there.  She had been drinking & if she was drugged it lowered her inhibitions.  

She's blaming herself which is why she is asking for forgiveness.  She's doing the coulda, shoulda, woulda to herself berating herself for going on the trip, for having a drink for doing anything other than going to her own room & locking the door.  Lots of rape victims, especially those who know their attacker, think it's their fault. 

Your wife didn't cheat.  She was attacked 

[lostandhurt]

This is a matter for the police and the HR department at your wife's work.  I am sure her coworkers can shed some light on the situation.  If she will not file a complaint then personally I would go talk to this Mark person and see what I see.  No threats, no harm should come to him just talk.

 She needs to get tested for STD's right away no matter what else happens.  Then she needs to get in to see a therapist to work through all this.

 Whether or not you believe her is up to you in the end.

Lost

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, lomi said:

But why would she flirt with him in the first place?

@yogacatmentioned Ecstasy, I have never taken it but know couples who have to enhance their sexual experience in a very big way! 

I did read it's supposed lower inhibitions but again never taken myself but it's possible he slipped that into her drink which caused her to behave seductively which would explain what you posted below.

7 hours ago, lomi said:

She was cleary flirting with him, it doesn't look like she was forced. If I saw the videos without knowing my wife, I would say she seduced Mark, and not the other way around. Is there a drug, that can induce this type of behaviour?

Most times when we hear of a woman (or man) being drugged and raped in a social situation, they've been given a drug called "rohypnol" which has many different effects and known as the "date rape" drug.

It's a depressant and typically renders a person unconscious with no memory of what happened.  A blackout. 

However in some people it can render the same effects you just described so it's possible that's what she was given, I don't know. 

In any event, if she refuses to go to the police, encourage her to report to HR as like I said the man is possibly dangerous, a sexual predator and needs to be fired before he does this to another woman at an office event or party, or wherever.

I am a bit surprised she's back at work, working with him, but everyone responds differently.  Again I don't know.  

It IS confusing but just keep communicating keeping an open mind.  No interrogating, no accusing.

The truth always has a way of revealing itself eventually.

I also agree with @lostandhurt, STDs are a real concern so she really needs to be tested, not only for herself but for you as your health is also at risk.

 

[Seraphim]

Very often as people mention this stuff is slipped into drinks . That is what happened to me 1986 when that wasn’t even discussed or even known about . This is all common knowledge now. 
I hate to have another victim of a crime destroyed by disbelief. 

[yogacat]

14 hours ago, lomi said:

That's what I don't understand. On the first video, she looks like her normal self, then on the second one, she's all smiles and sunshine with Mark. I've never seen her like that before.

That's why it's very possible that she was drugged. If her personality shifted THAT much in such a short amount of time where she goes from a history of disliking him to being chummy with him it just is such a drastic shift.

I have never taken any of the drugs mentioned but I do know just based on what I read that Ecstasy can make you very lovey dovey and hands on with just about anyone.

Regardless, you're going to have to take your wife's word for it. Especially if she's never given you any other reason for you to mistrust her. The last thing you want to do is create a situation for a victim where they are too afraid to come forward.

Albeit, why was it being filmed? That's the part that is sticking out like a sore thumb. I would think if he was going to roofie your wife, why would he not erase the video of their interactions? Unless, to make it seem like she was a willing participant.

For that matter, if she was a willing participant and not drugged, why would she want to risk being on video? Who did the filming? Was it Mark filming the entire time?

Like @rainbowsandrosessaid, the truth always comes out one way or another. This is your wife so you're going to have to put your suspicions aside and support her and get to the bottom of this so that this Mark character is investigated and properly charged accordingly with the appropriate consequences.

[The Shark101]

On 10/18/2024 at 6:12 AM, lomi said:

Me and my wife have been together for 9 years. We have two children, a 6 year old son, and a 4 year old daughter. My wife went back to work a year ago, when our daughter started going to kindergarten. It immediately became apparent, that her boss, Mark, is an ***. My wife constantly complained about him, how he keeps calling her "blondie" and "sweetheart" and stuff like that. She told him to stop several times, and he did, but only for a while. Her coworkers told her it's not a big deal, he talks like this to everyone, it's his way of being friendly. 2 months ago, my wife went on a 3 day buisness trip. She wasn't happy about it at all. I tried to calm her down, told her to quit if she hates this job so much, she told me she loves the job, she just hates Mark. I told her she should at least try to enjoy the trip, she got pissed, that I'm not listening to her. We had an argument, and the next day, she went on the trip. I could tell she was still angry, but didn't know what to say to her. When she came back, she was silent during the whole day. She didn't really talk about the trip, she just kept looking at me. I assumed she was still hurt, because of our argument, so I apologized to her, and told her I'll try to be more attentive in the future. Since then, she never complained about her boss, when I asked her about it, she kept changing the topic, it was very weird. Yesterday, I was messaged by Mark's wife. She told me Mark cheated on her with my wife. She sent me 3 videos, told me she found these on Mark's phone. On the first video, my wife and the other coworkers are in some living room area, and Mark is talking to my wife. My wife is dismissive towards him, he calls her "beautiful", praises her work, but my wife doesn't look interested. He then shows the camera the hotel room. On the next video, it's night, everyone is in different clothes so I assume this was recorded on another day. It's night, they are in the hotel, everyone is drinking. My wife looks like a different person, she unbuttoned her blouse, let down her hair, laughing loudly at Mark's jokes. Mark keeps complimenting her, and she is eating it up, smiling at him. They keep talking, and my wife is the life of the party, which is not like her at all, she's normally very shy. On the third video, there are fewer people, the lights are dimmer, and my wife is sitting across the table, looking at Mark. She is playing with her hair, which I know she only does when she's in the mood. Mark called her sexy, and my wife didn't say anything, just smiled at him. They flirted for a while, then Mark started talking about how nice the view from his bedroom is. My wife showed interest, and Mark offered to show her. They went in, and Mark showed her the view. Suddenly, Mark put down the phone, and based on the sounds, they started kissing. After that, Mark turned off the camera. I asked Mark's wife, why Mark recorded these, she said he loves recording everything, it's like an obsession for him. I confronted my wife, and she started crying, told me she doesn't remember that night, she must have been drugged. I asked her who drugged her, she said Mark gave her a drink, and then she only remembers waking up the next morning in his bed. She asked me to forgive her, but I don't know if I could even believe her. If she was drugged, wouldn't she just pass out, like a zombie? She looked like she was enjoying every second of it, but it's true, that she didn't look like herself, so I have no idea. If she was raped, why didn't she tell me, why didn't she leave her job? She says she doesn't want to go to the police, but she didn't go to work today. I have no one to ask for advice, we didn't talk since then, and I feel like I'm going insane. I don't want to divorce her, I want to keep our family together, but I can't even look at her. What should I do?

Drugged my a$$. Can't believe the size of this BS. 

Your wife is a cheater and a lier. 

Some on here gaslightig you and blaming you for your wife cheating. DO NOT take any blame on yourself. 

[ShySoul]

The reality is that none of us where there that night and none of us can know exactly what happened. The ones who know are your wife and Mark. As Mark obviously won't admit to it, we have to go with what your wife has said. And if there is even the slightest chance she was raped, then that should be taken seriously.

Blaming the victim or not believing them is precisly way so many people get away with things. It could also be why she didn't want to tell you or report it to the police. She doesn't remember things clearly so can't really be sure. If you have doubts, then it's likely outsiders will have doubts as well, so the thought may be what is the point. If Mark is in a position of power, he could have influence over things or make her life even more difficult. There may be a sense of guilt or shame, blaming herself for letting this happen. That could explain asking for forgiveness. There are plenty of reason why victims stay silent even when they shouldn't.

Yes, there are drugs that could cause that. Her story is very possible. And if you want her safety, it is best to believe it. Innocent until proven guilty. At this point, all we know is she did something happened that she doesn't seem to remember and regrets.

She needs to be tested for STDs. If possible, get a rape kit. Her health is what is most important.

From there, at least talk to her HR. If he has been flirting and harassing her on the job, that in itself crosses a line regardless of the other allegations. And if he has done it to her, there is a good chance he has done it to other women. There may be a history of this behavior that can found out and lead to consequences that take a potentially dangerous person away from being able to harm anyone else.

[Batya33]

Also do you trust her? My husband would never ever think I'd lie about having been drugged. He might imagine that I was mistaken and was not drugged or was drugged but not by the person I suspected -a mistake- but lying because I actually cheated -no - he would not jump  to that conclusion. Same on my end.  We trust each other so our default is to believe the other person is being as honest as possible.  If you trust her then assume she is describing what happened to the best of her ability -meaning sounds like she was slightly buzzed at least so obviously that might cloud memory but drugged is another thing.

One time many years ago my coworker who had been flirting with me (he was married, I was dating someone seriously) - came to my office late at night, came around to the back of my chair, leaned over me and kissed me "good night" on the cheek after I'd told him no I don't want to go out for a drink after work that night. He'd never done that. I am a spunky, assertive go getter type person and when he did that I -froze.  I could not believe I froze - he left my office then.  I called my boyfriend immediately and what he told me was maybe I should tell the security guard on duty etc but he deferred to me.  He never ever questioned whether it happened any differently or whether I somehow invited the kiss.  He trusted me.

It almost happened again a few days later but before he could walk toward me I stammered (again I am not a stammerer I'm pointing out that in this situation the reactions might not be indicative of true character) -I said -"it's not appropriate" -he said "because of the marriage or that we work together" and I said both.  Yes I was thinking of reporting it to HR, yes I consulted a lawyer friend of mine who advised that if he didn't do it again reconsider reporting -this was in the early 2000s.  Then he was fired a week or so later for threatening to assault a female manager.  So there was no point in reporting. 

It never occurred to me that my then boyfriend would question my recounting of what happened - and he did not.  If I'd told him - hypothetically -thank goodness it was "just" a kiss - this man drugged the soda on my desk and attacked me he'd have felt awful and believed that too.  

 

[Seraphim]

My husband would never have forced to go on a business trip had I said I didn’t want to go and certainly not when I felt harassed. He would never never never do that. 
 

My husband would also never doubt me in such a situation. He knows what happened to me in childhood and as a teenager . 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Also do you trust her? My husband would never ever think I'd lie about having been drugged. He might imagine that I was mistaken and was not drugged or was drugged but not by the person I suspected -a mistake- but lying because I actually cheated -no - he would not jump  to that conclusion. Same on my end.  We trust each other so our default is to believe the other person is being as honest as possible.  If you trust her then assume she is describing what happened to the best of her ability -meaning sounds like she was slightly buzzed at least so obviously that might cloud memory but drugged is another thing.

One time many years ago my coworker who had been flirting with me (he was married, I was dating someone seriously) - came to my office late at night, came around to the back of my chair, leaned over me and kissed me "good night" on the cheek after I'd told him no I don't want to go out for a drink after work that night. He'd never done that. I am a spunky, assertive go getter type person and when he did that I -froze.  I could not believe I froze - he left my office then.  I called my boyfriend immediately and what he told me was maybe I should tell the security guard on duty etc but he deferred to me.  He never ever questioned whether it happened any differently or whether I somehow invited the kiss.  He trusted me.

It almost happened again a few days later but before he could walk toward me I stammered (again I am not a stammerer I'm pointing out that in this situation the reactions might not be indicative of true character) -I said -"it's not appropriate" -he said "because of the marriage or that we work together" and I said both.  Yes I was thinking of reporting it to HR, yes I consulted a lawyer friend of mine who advised that if he didn't do it again reconsider reporting -this was in the early 2000s.  Then he was fired a week or so later for threatening to assault a female manager.  So there was no point in reporting. 

It never occurred to me that my then boyfriend would question my recounting of what happened - and he did not.  If I'd told him - hypothetically -thank goodness it was "just" a kiss - this man drugged the soda on my desk and attacked me he'd have felt awful and believed that too.  

 

Bat I agree with this but he sees on video his wife being very flirtatious with this other man so naturally that is confusing.  

My point is different is not indicative of lying. It sounds like you trust her but are confused because she does not seem victimized in the videos. That doesn't mean she was cheating or it doesn't mean she was. 

But rather than worry about lying why not worry about this guy being obsessed with videoing everything and why she wouldn't be wary of drinking with coworkers with him? I would never want to accuse a victim of cheating because "she acted like she was interested in him" because you can't know how confused and terrified you are after something like that at that moment.

That night she may have been acting like she was interested in him because she was trying to prevent him from forcing her to do something she didn't want to do.

[catfeeder]

Different drugs have different effects. It may have been more than one drug slipped in her drink at different times, or it may have been the same drug increased over time.

You know your wife, we don't, but it sounds like she detested him and never wanted to be on this trip. Not only would I believe her and offer my unwavering support and comfort, her personality change would have been more proof, not less, that she'd been drugged to alter her behavior.

I'd contact a rape crisis hotline myself for counseling and advice. I'd step up to be the kind of spouse that I'd want someone to be for me if I were attacked and raped.

[MissCanuck]

On 10/17/2024 at 9:42 PM, lomi said:

They flirted for a while, then Mark started talking about how nice the view from his bedroom is. My wife showed interest, and Mark offered to show her. They went in, and Mark showed her the view. Suddenly, Mark put down the phone, and based on the sounds, they started kissing.

I think these weird videos lend further legitimacy to her claim that she was under the influence of something strong and not in her right mind at all. 

Sure, alcohol lowers inhibitions, but this to me reads like a lot more than some cocktails over dinner.  It doesn't sound as though she would have let this man film her actually entering his hotel room and admiring the view if she had her wits about her even remotely.  Unless she can't handle her liquor at all, she probably would have at the very least panicked a bit and told him not to record her in his freakin' hotel room. Most people with intent to cheat would rather jump off that hotel balcony than go along with being filmed in the company of the person whose room they've just gone back to. 

I think she's being honest that she was slipped something, OP The above just does not sound right, and this man sounds like an off-the-charts creep. 

[The Shark101]

On 10/18/2024 at 6:12 AM, lomi said:
If she was raped, why didn't she tell me, why didn't she leave her job? She says she doesn't want to go to the police,

Can you imagine any person will go back to the same workplace with a person who raped you???
She won't leave her job because she wasn't raped. 

She won't go to the police because an experienced police investigator will get to the truth in 5 minutes, and that, she doesn't want to happen for a very good reason. 
So the best course of action for her is to blame the boss but do nothing to prove that what she's saying actually happened ( the tape).
And because you can't prove she's lying, you have to believe she's not.

She's playing you really good.

[SophiaG]

8 hours ago, The Shark101 said:

She won't go to the police because an experienced police investigator will get to the truth in 5 minutes, and that, she doesn't want to happen for a very good reason. 

Those "experienced police investigators" and your dismissive attitude are some of the reasons why rape and sexual assault are so underreported and traumatizing.

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, SophiaG said:

Those "experienced police investigators" and your dismissive attitude are some of the reasons why rape and sexual assault are so underreported and traumatizing.

Exactly . Less than 10% of rapes are ever reported and we know exactly why. Society and the law just rape you again. First hand experience here , I was 14. 

[redswim30]

First of all, I am so sorry that your wife is going through this. 

This is where it really all comes down to trust.  You know your wife better than any of us. 

Here's the facts- 

She has not shown any interest in this man and in fact has strongly disliked him. 

He has shown that he is interested in her and then has filmed her.  At best, this guy is a sexual harasser and a creep. 

I'm disgusted alone that the reaction of this man's wife is to show YOU a video of her own husband being a sexual predator and having the audacity to be angry at your wife instead of her husband who could go to prison for this- sexually assaulting a work subordinate.  It makes me VERY suspicious as to how the wife KNEW this was recorded and how she has access to it and how she knew so specifically that this was your wife and how the lead up to these things was recorded in an effort to make it seem consensual. 

This man belongs in prison after being fired and sued by your wife.   

OP, please do not victim shame your wife.  Any woman that has ever been raped or drugged and raped will tell you, there's an enormous amount of shame, guilt, and grief that comes with this.  You blame yourself even if you KNOW it wasn't your fault.  Women have a social stigma of " I should have dressed this way" or " I should have taken more precautions"  The vast majority of women who are raped never come forward or report it because sadly most people still blame the VICTIM- as this perpetrator's wife is doing to your wife, instead of blaming and divorcing her scumbag husband, who was CLEARLY the instigator in these videos. 

You should trust your wife, because by your own words-  her responses are NOT consensual.  Anything less than a VERBAL YES IS NOT CONSENSUAL.  Smiling, nodding, staying silent, leaning in- I really do believe your wife was drugged.  It appears she stayed silent and did not give verbal yes's- which mean NO!   By your own words, your wife was acting out of character.  

I STRONGLY recommend you call her company and report this to HR.  Then I recommend taking this video to the police.  Your wife needs to be tested for STD's as it is highly likely that Mr. 'film my own rapes" has done this before. 

Please care for your wife.  I'm sure she is feeling violated, hurt, betrayed, shame, guilt- all the things that rape survivors feel.  She needs your support and love more than ever.  Please do not add to her hurt by not believing her and making her feel further shame. 

Medical and lawful things first.  Then therapy.  

[Coily]

A couple of things.

Before I had read 2 months had passed, I was going to suggest getting drug tests done (hair follicle can  detect up to 30 days for rohypnol).

This is a really hard position for you to be in. You probably feel guilt, anger, and devastation. So other's blaming you for her going on this trip is grossly unfair.

If your wife is unwilling to go to HR, or act as if everything at work is okay; I can understand. A dear friend who is like a sister to me, went through something like this. She was afraid of stirring the pot, but after a few of us reassured her that we would be there for her she got the courage up to report her sexual assaulter. Encourage your wife to make the report, if he did it once mark will do it again.

However, if she doesn't even want to entertain getting this guy punished; I would also have increasing doubts about her story.  She needs help, but you too are affected by all of this too.

 

[yogacat]

It's a tough situation. I was harassed at work by a former boss where he made 'advances.' Instead of pressing charges, I opted to leave the company. I know I would feel really bad if my husband thought much less felt the way you do about your wife right now. Cheating is terrible but if she was drugged and taken advantage of, it's not her fault and not cheating. I would think that 9 years of marriage and kids would make you want to side with your wife. 

I can understand you are confused and in shock a bit.

My concern is if your wife was "drugged" and doesn't remember what happened, someone definitely took advantage of her.

Speak to your wife and express your concerns, it's not easy but at least you could get her to open up and try to piece together what exactly happened.