I found out my wife cheated on me, she says she was drugged. No idea what to do

[lomi]

Me and my wife have been together for 9 years. We have two children, a 6 year old son, and a 4 year old daughter. My wife went back to work a year ago, when our daughter started going to kindergarten. It immediately became apparent, that her boss, Mark, is an ***. My wife constantly complained about him, how he keeps calling her "blondie" and "sweetheart" and stuff like that. She told him to stop several times, and he did, but only for a while. Her coworkers told her it's not a big deal, he talks like this to everyone, it's his way of being friendly. 2 months ago, my wife went on a 3 day buisness trip. She wasn't happy about it at all. I tried to calm her down, told her to quit if she hates this job so much, she told me she loves the job, she just hates Mark. I told her she should at least try to enjoy the trip, she got pissed, that I'm not listening to her. We had an argument, and the next day, she went on the trip. I could tell she was still angry, but didn't know what to say to her. When she came back, she was silent during the whole day. She didn't really talk about the trip, she just kept looking at me. I assumed she was still hurt, because of our argument, so I apologized to her, and told her I'll try to be more attentive in the future. Since then, she never complained about her boss, when I asked her about it, she kept changing the topic, it was very weird. Yesterday, I was messaged by Mark's wife. She told me Mark cheated on her with my wife. She sent me 3 videos, told me she found these on Mark's phone. On the first video, my wife and the other coworkers are in some living room area, and Mark is talking to my wife. My wife is dismissive towards him, he calls her "beautiful", praises her work, but my wife doesn't look interested. He then shows the camera the hotel room. On the next video, it's night, everyone is in different clothes so I assume this was recorded on another day. It's night, they are in the hotel, everyone is drinking. My wife looks like a different person, she unbuttoned her blouse, let down her hair, laughing loudly at Mark's jokes. Mark keeps complimenting her, and she is eating it up, smiling at him. They keep talking, and my wife is the life of the party, which is not like her at all, she's normally very shy. On the third video, there are fewer people, the lights are dimmer, and my wife is sitting across the table, looking at Mark. She is playing with her hair, which I know she only does when she's in the mood. Mark called her sexy, and my wife didn't say anything, just smiled at him. They flirted for a while, then Mark started talking about how nice the view from his bedroom is. My wife showed interest, and Mark offered to show her. They went in, and Mark showed her the view. Suddenly, Mark put down the phone, and based on the sounds, they started kissing. After that, Mark turned off the camera. I asked Mark's wife, why Mark recorded these, she said he loves recording everything, it's like an obsession for him. I confronted my wife, and she started crying, told me she doesn't remember that night, she must have been drugged. I asked her who drugged her, she said Mark gave her a drink, and then she only remembers waking up the next morning in his bed. She asked me to forgive her, but I don't know if I could even believe her. If she was drugged, wouldn't she just pass out, like a zombie? She looked like she was enjoying every second of it, but it's true, that she didn't look like herself, so I have no idea. If she was raped, why didn't she tell me, why didn't she leave her job? She says she doesn't want to go to the police, but she didn't go to work today. I have no one to ask for advice, we didn't talk since then, and I feel like I'm going insane. I don't want to divorce her, I want to keep our family together, but I can't even look at her. What should I do?

[TeeDee]

You encouraged your wife to go on this trip when she didn't want to.  Knowing what a jerk this boss was, I can't say I'm surprised this happened.  He sounds like the type.  You dismissed her intuition that this trip was a bad idea & look what happened. 

Now your wife tells you that she is the victim of a crime.  Instead of supporting her & offering rape crisis counseling you are victim blaming & talking about divorcing her.  Good grief.  

You should tell her you love & that you are very sorry for not trusting her.  Then you need to encourage her to go to the police or at least talk to a rape crisis counselor.  See if you can get her to talk to an attorney too.  She has grounds for a personal injury case & an sexual harassment case based on the assault.  Do not let her quit until you talk to the lawyer; sometimes if you quit you can't sue.  But do tell her you support her decision to never go back to that job again.  

Finally, get her some real therapy.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

Do not let her quit until you talk to the lawyer; sometimes if you quit you can't sue. 

This^ is incorrect @TeeDeeat least in the US.  I don't know where the OP lives.  

No court of law would expect an employee to return to work after being drugged and sexually assaulted.  By either their boss or co-worker. 

But even if that weren't the case, an employee has the legal right to sue after they leave a job.  

OP, your wife claims she was sexually assaulted.  Drugged and raped. 

This is an extremely serious crime and should have been reported immediately!

If not to the police (which she should have but sadly even today, many women don't), but at least to HR at her job!

If true the man is dangerous!  A rapist. 

I don't want to accuse her of anything without getting all the facts however her not wanting to report it and actually returning to work is definitely suss as well as the photos sent by the guy's wife. 

At first I thought she may be in shock or in denial but she admitted she was drugged (or thinks she was) so that's not the case.  She's quite aware.  

I was drugged and sexually assaulted years ago and I was unconscious; if someone were there taking photos, that would have been VERY obvious.

I certainly would not have appeared as if I was enjoying myself!  Unbuttoning my blouse, kissing him, flirting and willingly accompanying him to the bedroom.

And why would this guy's wife contact you and send photos? 

Again I don't know and don't want to accuse her of lying. 

Just use common sense and continue communicating. Encourage her to speak with HR, other women could possibly be in danger of this alleged predator!

It's the responsible thing to do.

Also encourage her to speak with a rape counselor, rape often has long term effects.

Gauge her response. You know her best.  

I'm sorry this happened and good luck! 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, lomi said:

She asked me to forgive her...

Also, think about this^ comment.  

If she were drugged and raped, what would she need to be forgiven for?

She would have done nothing wrong, she's a victim of a crime. 

Did you ask her? 

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, lomi said:

She sent me 3 videos, told me she found these on Mark's phone. On the first video, my wife and the other coworkers are in some living room area, and Mark is talking to my wife. My wife is dismissive towards him, he calls her "beautiful", praises her work, but my wife doesn't look interested. He then shows the camera the hotel room. On the next video, it's night, everyone is in different clothes so I assume this was recorded on another day. It's night, they are in the hotel, everyone is drinking. My wife looks like a different person, she unbuttoned her blouse, let down her hair, laughing loudly at Mark's jokes. Mark keeps complimenting her, and she is eating it up, smiling at him. They keep talking, and my wife is the life of the party, which is not like her at all, she's normally very shy. On the third video, there are fewer people, the lights are dimmer, and my wife is sitting across the table, looking at Mark. She is playing with her hair, which I know she only does when she's in the mood. Mark called her sexy, and my wife didn't say anything, just smiled at him. They flirted for a while, then Mark started talking about how nice the view from his bedroom is. My wife showed interest, and Mark offered to show her. They went in, and Mark showed her the view. Suddenly, Mark put down the phone, and based on the sounds, they started kissing. After that, Mark turned off the camera.

For her to go from being 0 percent interested in Mark to 100 percent in one night of course looks odd.

Let’s take your wife on her word that she was drugged and violated. Most people who are drugged experience loss of memory and wake up feeling not so good.

I wonder if being drugged with something like Ecstasy or Ketamine can increase one's likelihood to share those kinds of moments? Some drugs may cause a person to black out, but not all drugs have the same effects on everyone. She could have been conscious during the experience, but may have been unable to communicate or set boundaries due to the effects of the drug. 

I would think if she was intentional and not drugged she wouldn't consent to being filmed in the event it were to come back to you or his wife.

Alcohol is ingested intentionally. Date rape drugs aren't. Maybe she was flirting then she was drugged and lost control and woke up in the morning not knowing what happened. She most likely is terrified to tell you and afraid of what you will think. Her silence could be out of shame and fear. These are all common reactions to sexual assault or rape.

The truth is strange things can happen, even the victim might not understand how or why they respond.

This is such a complicated matter.

Perhaps in time you will learn the truth of the matter.

Encourage her to talk to someone, a therapist or a support group for sexual assault survivors. Let her know that you are there for her, no matter what, and that you will support her in whatever decision she makes, whether it's going to the police or not. She needs a safe and supportive space to process her experience and to make a decision about how she wants to move forward.

In the meantime, take care of yourself as well. This is a very difficult situation for you too so being angry, confused, and hurt is normal. 

[Seraphim]

I was drugged and raped at 19. I wasn’t unconscious but was hallucinating for hours and hours past the rape . It entirely depends on the drug used. 
 

And victims of crimes don’t tell people because of situations like this , where they aren’t believed .