Feeling Emotionally Disconnected in My Relationship: Need Help

[klsses]

I need help. I have so much on my plate, and I don’t want to think about this anymore. This is a long and complicated wall of text (fake names).

 

This story starts with David, a former friend of my boyfriend, Brian. David and I went out a couple of times last year, and he brought up wanting a long-term relationship only a week into us seeing each other, which threw me off and made me lose all interest. He’s openly transphobic and homophobic, which didn’t sit right with me. After I turned him down, he was really sad and blocked me the day Brian told him we hooked up right at the beginning.

I ran into Brian a few months later at a club and ended up going to his place to smoke. We spent the night together, but didn’t have sex because he felt guilty about hooking up with the girl his friend really liked. The next year was a mess of conflict between David and Brian. I knew both of them at that point, and Brian’s anxiety made it tough for him. A couple of months ago, they stopped being friends completely, and Brian and I officially got together.

Initially, I was super infatuated. Things seemed promising at first because we’re really compatible. He’s kind, handsome, hardworking, and honest. But there was this one night where I was frustrated at how slow things were going, and I did a love spell while stoned, no protection. I’m not very spiritual, and I don’t know much about witchcraft, but I just did it and forgot about it (I didn’t think it would do anything). I feel like the universe has always given me what I wanted, and I took advantage of it that night.

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a change. I feel so emotionally disconnected now. I hated that I related to the #ihatemybf trend on TikTok. I love this man, but my romantic feelings for him seem to fade each day. He always tells me I’m pretty and gorgeous, saying how lucky he is to have me because I’m so emotionally mature. But I can’t do the same for him in a genuine way. I tell him he looks handsome every now and then, but it’s far less frequent than his compliments for me. He says “I love you” more often than I do, and while I do love him, it feels different now.

Brian had a drinking problem, was unemployed, and skipped classes last semester. This semester, ever since we got together, he’s taken a leave from uni, limited his drinking, and gotten a job, which I appreciate. But I have one issue with him—he doesn’t care much for his appearance. His hair is long and messy, full of dead ends and breakage. He finally agreed to get it cut, but he wears the same sweatpants for days in a row and justifies it by saying they aren’t dirty. I go out of my way to doll up every day, wearing new outfits and doing my hair and makeup. It bothers me that he doesn’t seem to put in the same effort.

I feel awful about it all. I don’t want to hurt him because it weighs so heavily on my chest whenever I’m with him. I feel honored he’s so devoted to me, and I often think I don’t deserve him. But I can’t shake the guilt of pretending everything is okay. I’ve tried to give him an ick by saying out-of-pocket things, but his continued affection makes it feel worse. I’m worried about how my friends and family would judge me if I ended things since they all know we’re together now.

Then there’s Theo, a guy from my lab group. We’ve made a lot of eye contact over the semester, and I caught myself wishing he was my lab partner last week. He ended up being my partner yesterday, and we had a great time chatting and getting our work done early. I think the interest between us is mutual. I dressed up extra pretty, and it felt nice to connect with him. But I can’t help but wonder if he represents something real or just a reflection of my dissatisfaction with Brian.

I feel like a bad person for staying in a relationship when I know I don’t feel the same way. I want to fix things, but pretending to be okay feels like a difficult act to maintain. I obviously will NEVER cheat, and I’m also not going to entertain the thought of Theo. I don’t know if I should work on myself or try to end it. If I try to end it, it would break him. I can’t ask for space to figure things out either. How do I go about this without hurting him? 

[shouldhavelearned]

Break things off with the current guy since it sounds like it won't work.

Don't rush into something else which is what you basically did with this guy.

Slow down and be friends, date, talk....nothing serious 

Monogamy 

[klsses]

1 minute ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Break things off with the current guy since it sounds like it won't work.

Don't rush into something else which is what you basically did with this guy.

Slow down and be friends, date, talk....nothing serious 

Monogamy 

You're right! It would be wrong for me to rush into something now. It took almost a year for Brian and I to officially get together so I feel like I took that very slowly. I don't know how to go about ending things with him though

[Batya33]

Can't you just cast one of your spells so Brian no longer is into you - you said you can ask the universe for what you want, right? I think most of your attraction to Brian was the drama of watching two men fight over you. You're quite lucky that you are a person who only has to ask the universe for what you want and you get it.  I'd get clear within yourself what your values, standards and goals are. You already know you want someone who is accepting of  LGBQT, you want someone who is into looking nice on the outside and has hygiene standards better than Brian.  I'd also evaluate why you chose someone who has a drinking problem and is unemployed in addition to being unkempt.  I'd do this self-honesty thing before progressing with your lab partner unless casting another spell works better for you.  I think Brian will be ok but let him find someone who respects and admires him.  You do not, it seems.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, klsses said:

If I try to end it, it would break him. I can’t ask for space to figure things out either. How do I go about this without hurting him? 

Well, in short, you can't.

It's going to hurt him. You need to do what's right, even if it hurts. But, he will someday heal and move forward to. It's not helping him to bei n a relationship with someone (you) who isn't into him anymore and is eyeing up other options. 

You know what to do. 

[klsses]

 

32 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Well, in short, you can't.

It's going to hurt him. You need to do what's right, even if it hurts. But, he will someday heal and move forward to. It's not helping him to bei n a relationship with someone (you) who isn't into him anymore and is eyeing up other options. 

You know what to do. 

 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Can't you just cast one of your spells so Brian no longer is into you - you said you can ask the universe for what you want, right? I think most of your attraction to Brian was the drama of watching two men fight over you. You're quite lucky that you are a person who only has to ask the universe for what you want and you get it.  I'd get clear within yourself what your values, standards and goals are. You already know you want someone who is accepting of  LGBQT, you want someone who is into looking nice on the outside and has hygiene standards better than Brian.  I'd also evaluate why you chose someone who has a drinking problem and is unemployed in addition to being unkempt.  I'd do this self-honesty thing before progressing with your lab partner unless casting another spell works better for you.  I think Brian will be ok but let him find someone who respects and admires him.  You do not, it seems.

No clue why, but I never really saw it that way, Batya33. Now that you mention it, I don’t know why I ignored those things about him, and yes, their arguing did stroke my ego at first. But that only lasted a couple of weeks because it got stressful—especially since David had a girlfriend the entire time he was fighting with Brian, and it messed up their whole friend group.

In my defense, here’s how I see it: Brian and I were seeing each other casually for 8-9 months, and during that time, we both saw other people. Eventually, I told him I wasn’t going to keep seeing other people, and he said he wouldn’t either, but he still wasn't ready to officially commit to me for MONTHS. So, in a way, we were already together without the label before making it official. I feel like I’ve been with him long enough to understand who he is.

I’ve thought about how to bring this up, and I think I’ll tell him that my expectations have changed now that we’re in a relationship. When we were just friends, I didn’t care about how he carried himself, but now I expect a little effort in his appearance. I don’t think it’s a huge ask, but maybe I’m nitpicking, which is part of why I found myself entertaining thoughts about Theo. What do you think?^^

If I’m honest with Brian about what I need, we could probably work through this. The problem is that I’ve held off on communicating because he tends to take things really hard. Would it be better to have a conversation as soon as possible, or should I try distancing myself/doing something to soften the blow?

Thank you for the insight!

[yogacat]

You just have to tell him. The same thing happened to me with my high school boyfriend. I became attracted to someone else and I knew it would be wrong to continue the relationship feeling that way.

I simply told him the truth, that I had developed feelings for someone else and that I didn’t want to continue our relationship knowing that. It was a difficult conversation, but ultimately it was the right thing to do for both of us. It’s not fair to your boyfriend to continue the relationship if your heart isn’t fully in it.

Be honest with him and explain your feelings, and give him the opportunity to process and ask any questions he may have.

[TeeDee]

There is no sense in staying in a dating relationship that is unfulfilling.  If you were married with 2 kids I'd tell you to work harder to fix it but you are in college.  Go have fun.  

[Batya33]

I wouldn’t share your personal dress code and hygiene expectations. It’s irrelevant. And if he changed “for you “ would you really want that ? He should dress as he wishes and change clothes as he wishes mostly for himself. For sure I dressed up for my partner too as he did for me but my basic hygiene standards and fashion stuff and makeup was for me. And not because I was told to change for the privilege of being someone’s partner or arm candy.
 

You two aren’t a match and you’re actively fantasizing about your lab partner. I think a few weeks of you getting excited about the drama was distracting enough so you could choose not to evaluate whether aside from you as the prize you actually saw potential with this person. 
Yes it will hurt him. And that happens when most dating relationships end. You both can move on to find better matches. I agree it’s not like you’re married with kids. 

[smackie9]

Getting hurt is just part of life. He will get over it and then life just goes on.

[Andrina]

15 hours ago, klsses said:

If I try to end it, it would break him. I can’t ask for space to figure things out either. How do I go about this without hurting him? 

He won't be broken. And it's really insulting toward him for you to think that. No getting around being hurt though. But that's a normal thing people deal with throughout an ordinary life. He wouldn't want to be with you if he knew everything you typed here. You'll be doing him a favor by releasing him to eventually find a woman who is crazy about him and can't imagine ever letting him go.

Keep the break up discussion brief. I'd simply say you don't have the feelings you should to want to continue on with him.

[TeeDee]

Break ups hurt. That is the nature of the beast.  He will survive.  You can't stay with him out of pity