Smothered and drained by a close friend, don't know how to deal with it anymore

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a horrible thing to complain about, but I cannot help how I feel. It's about a close friend of mine. She's making me want to push away from her but I feel guilty even for the fact that these things bother me.

When I first started talking to her online and met her in person last year, I couldn't believe how many things we had in common, and we felt close instantly. We bonded over being obsessed with the guitarist in our favorite band. We started messaging on Facebook all day, morning to night. But now it's been a year and I am not really into this anymore and it's hard to explain precisely why, I can only give examples. I'm still confused by it.

I am autistic and I am 99% sure she is autistic too, along with her daughter. We have had a lot of the same experiences in life, like being treated horribly by many people in our lives, and being miserable in our current situations, and going through perimenopause which is horrible for both of us. So it was nice to have someone to talk to about all of the same problems that we were both having. We tell each other EVERYTHING (even bodily problems, everything we ate that day, every little detail about our lives).

But now I feel like I can't handle this friendship anymore. She is draining and at first we bonded over our problems but now it's finally sucking me dry. I can barely get through life the way it is without having someone sucking more energy from me. She also seems to worship me to the point of it being cringey. I'll try to summarize the main points.

Some examples of things that seem off:

• She is always trying to copy me, buying the same things I buy even though she had never even heard of that thing before I mentioned it. When I mention specific foods, she will buy them right away and eat them too, often wants to eat them at the same time "together". 
• We're both in perimenopause and somehow her hot flashes come and go at the same time mine do. On for a few months, off for a few months, and whenever it happens for me, it is somehow also happening for her too. This is not the same thing as periods syncing when women live together; we are 4000 miles apart and perimenopause symptoms come and go randomly so I cannot believe when mine stop, hers stop, and when mine start, hers start. Every single time. 
• She had 2 life regression hypnosis sessions and in both of them she said that we were sisters. Mind you, we didn't even know each other until she was 55 and I was 51, yet somehow we are soul sisters all of a sudden.
• She won't go to bed until I do. There is a 6-hour time difference so she stays up until morning just to continue messaging me on Facebook.
• She seems obsessed with us both seeing the moon at the same time, and asks me every night if I can see it. I love the moon but damn! She gets a kick out of when I can see the moon even if she can't, and I don't even care that much.

Some examples of how she is draining to me:

• She comes to visit me for a week or two and for that entire time I have to be available to pick her up from the airport, hang out with her at the AirBnB, drive her to stores, and bring her back to the airport. One time her plane was delayed by a whole day and she wouldn't stay at a hotel so I had to drive 4 hours total round trip to bring her back to my house so she could sleep on my couch and back to the airport again. 
• She doesn't seem to respect my boundaries when I say I have a hard time doing things every single day she is here. I don't even want her to make this a yearly thing but she is already planning the next trip to be here for 2 weeks again! I told her I might be moving to a different city or working (no job right now) but she says she doesn't care, she'll still come. But I can't move and have a job and be there to drive her around for 2 weeks all at the same time! She is determined to come here every year whether or not I am available even though she is dependent on me to get anywhere because she doesn't have a license. So I feel extremely pressured. My car is 17 years old with problems I can't afford to fix and now I have to be her chauffeur whenever she wants to come here.
• She is usually complaining whether it's in person or in her FB messages. It's literally 90% being negative about something. She is usually in victim mentality mode retelling me over and over about all the horrible things she's experienced and usually describing what she calls "drama" when it was really just a small thing that happened like she couldn't find something or something fell on the floor. I don't know what to say to all of this "drama" and when it happens here, it puts my nervous system on edge. Regarding her problems, she has excuses/reasons for why she can't solve any of them. At this point I don't even know how to respond to her anymore because she continues to ignore my suggestions and keeps on complaining about problems that she has the power to solve.
• Before she comes here to visit, we talk about all the places we're gonna go, restaurants we're gonna eat at, things we're gonna do. But every time we end up doing hardly any of them because she gets overwhelmed and just wants to relax on the couch at the AirBnB, or her daughter can't eat gluten so we can't go to any restaurants (her daughter has come with her two of the 3 times), or she physically is unable to do something she claimed she "couldn't wait" to do. So I was all excited about these trips and 90% of the time all she wanted to do was sit on the couch.
• She is an extreme people pleaser even though she says she "used to be". She married a guy and had a kid with him only because his parents wanted them to. She puts up with daily toxic texts from one of her "friends" who makes her physically ill from the stress yet she refuses to block her number. It is draining to have to listen to her complain about the life that she chose and the friend that she allows to hurt her. We talk about this stuff every day for the entire year we've known each other. I just have no more energy left in me to know what to even say anymore. She refuses to block her number. She refuses to get a divorce. She refuses to get a drivers license. She refuses to get a job.

I cannot spend the rest of my life listening to her complain about her life. I feel like a jerk for this but I have diagnosed anxiety and depression along with Autism so I am not in the right place mentally to handle someone else's problems on top of my own.

I can't just tell her she can't come here anymore because then I would be taking away the only thing that she lives for in life. I don't want to end our friendship because she has been there for me when even my best friend has not been. So it's not that I want to end our friendship (which would crush her, honestly), but I just feel like something is off about all of this and I feel smothered and I don't know how to deal with it.

[Batya33]

So as you can see - it's never really all one way in a close friendship right - so it makes these sorts of decisions harder -I hear that in what you wrote.

Before she had you to visit and overwhelm you she lived her life - so apparently this is not the only thing she's lived for long term.

I have a friend -a good friend - who to me anyway has made lame excuses about why she doesn't exercise/get a job (she is a SAHM so it would be a part time job), and on and on.  I only give unsolicited advice when (1) the person actually doesn't know the information and I know that (which comes up more often in parent-child of course); or (2) it's really just a dangerous situation.  Then I prioritize safety.

So she sees that I do work, I do exercise and I'm careful not to talk about that much because I don't want her to feel like somehow I'm "better" because I do these things.

I bring this up because in the last month or so -all on her own -she's started doing daily brisk walks - and -she likes it -and she's now starting to stick to a routine.  When she tells me I say "that's great" and I'll add if I think it was particularly nice out. I never ask her how fast or how long -again I want to tread lightly-pun intended.  But -you know -I'm surprised she is now sticking to a routine -it's impressive -and it shows me people can change (we are in our 50s).  So - maybe there is similar hope for your friend but I think what would help perhaps is you start being much clearer in your boundaries -about visiting, about how much time you can spend on the phone, etc.  She has to sort of wean herself off her dependence.

Now look I would totally support you cutting her off and I hear that while  she is draining you're not at that point to completely cut her off.  So I'd try one more time to assert boundaries and ask  yourself -have you been direct and clear enough? 

I also would say directly "yes, you feel badly because as you were racing to the phone you stubbed your toe and then the caller hung up anyway - that sounds frustrating."  Then I would say "tell me something good that happened today -something you are appreciative of" -if there is silence you share something like that -see if she will follow a lead of changing the subject and changing it to something more pleasant.

You can tell her with I statements "I've kind of used up my quota today of hearing about negative stuff -can we talk about something else?" 

Also other than the shared perimenopaus stuff and the negative stuff -do  you laugh together- do you have other things in common? If she won't go out and do an activity say "I can hang out for __ amount of time at your AirBnB and then I'm going to go to [errand or activity or whatever] -you are welcome to come with me to the store or if not fine and I'll see  you tomorrow.

You are one of the people in this so I'm trying to figure out how you communicate your feelings and boundaries.  

All the best to you -it is hard!

[Cherylyn]

Your friend is an energy vampire.  In other words,  she's draining you.  😠

You could enforce strict boundaries with her but don't be surprised if she disagrees with you and doesn't abide by your reasonable rules.  Most people are set in their ways including habits not compatible with yours.  😒

All of my local,  very close friends and I have common sense boundaries.  We're very close yet we don't bother each other excessively which is how it should be.  We have discretion.

She will not change for you.  The only change comes from you.  End the friendship.  Send her a text which says this:  "It's time to go our separate ways.  Please do not contact me anymore.  Thank you in advance for respecting and honoring my request.  I wish you all the best.  Sincerely,  Your Name."  You don't need to complain and explain.  If she continues to be relentless,  delete and block her on your phone and social media.

 

[Seraphim]

Maybe it is Autistic burnout . My son is Autistic and he is pretty peopled out by most experiences. 
 

I would tell her that you are experiencing Autistic burnout and you need to be alone to get better . 

[Tinydance]

How old is her daughter? Is she under age or she's an adult? If she's over 18 then maybe you could just say you prefer just your friend time together just the two of you? Unless of course the daughter is more severely autistic and isn’t actually able to be left on her own. 

I'm not here to tell you what to do at all in your own life or who you should be friends with. I always say to anyone that a friendship or romantic relationship is a choice so you should be friends with people you truly want to be friends with. It’s not the same as having to work alongside a colleague at work where you have to interact with them and don't have a choice whether they're there or not.

Having said that, I believe that if some things are bothering you about a friend, it might be able to be resolved. Working it out so that they change some of their behaviours or maybe changing the situation. I don't think that you necessarily have to fully end the friendship and cut the person off in every case. Most people will have annoying things about them, we all do. Sometimes the way I'm friends with people just needs to be "tweaked" so that we both feel more comfortable with the friendship.

Have you spoken to your friend about how you feel and that it's not really your thing to talk 24/7? I mean, because you've been doing it for a few years, maybe she has no idea that you feel this way. Also sometimes autistic people struggle to read the tone or atmosphere correctly. It might be best to just be direct and honest with her. She might just not be getting the hint. I don't think it's necessary to talk to anyone as much as you talk to this friend. I think most people would find it too much and too smothering. You could dial it down and just talk only once or twice a week or something like that. If she wants this friendship to continue, she will need to listen to your feelings and adapt. If she can't actually do that then yeah maybe the friendship can't work.

In terms of her coming to visit you where you live. Maybe two weeks is too long and maybe needs to be more like one week. But then again if she only comes two weeks in a year, to me that doesn't seem like that much. To be honest if I was coming especially to see only one good friend and I paid for flights and accommodation, I would expect to actually spend substantial time with that friend there. I mean, she's spending a lot of money to come to see you. If you don't want her to come that's how you feel. In that case maybe just tell her honestly that you don't want her to come. But I think it's a bit rude to say that she can come to your city but then try not to see her much because she came there specifically to spend time with YOU. I don't know where you live but in my city any hotel or Air b n B costs a lot, it's all very expensive. And she doesn't stay at your place so it's not like she's putting you out in that way or in your face literally 24/7.

Also I totally get it's annoying if you made plans and she doesn't always follow through. Maybe what the problem is that you are both autistic and it sort of becomes a clash. Often people who are autistic get very stressed if plans get changed and things become out of order. But at the same time they can get a sensory overload and feel overwhelmed or apprehensive about going to a loud place. E.g. Going to eat in a restaurant. From having dated people on the spectrum or having  autistic friends, some of them had to leave an event or go to another room or outside due to the sensory overload. If your friend struggles with something like this then it might help you to be more understanding and allow her some grace. 

 

[Rockchick26]

21 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I apologize if the formatting of this message shows up wrong, I have never used this site before and I am not familiar with this site's method of quoting!

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Before she had you to visit and overwhelm you she lived her life - so apparently this is not the only thing she's lived for long term.

Well, this is a hard one to answer because just because someone keeps themselves alive doesn't mean that they have anything to live for. She loves her daughter but she never wanted to become a mother or a wife and is miserable because she made this choice feeling pressured by friends and her husband's family, so she hates her life. She says that she cries multiple times a day.

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So - maybe there is similar hope for your friend but I think what would help perhaps is you start being much clearer in your boundaries -about visiting, about how much time you can spend on the phone, etc.  She has to sort of wean herself off her dependence.

Now look I would totally support you cutting her off and I hear that while  she is draining you're not at that point to completely cut her off.  So I'd try one more time to assert boundaries and ask  yourself -have you been direct and clear enough? 

 

I probably have not been direct and clear enough in that way, but I did tell her that every day I am stressed out just thinking about all the things that could go wrong when she comes here. I told her, what if something were to happen to my car, or to me? I am the only person that she knows in this country. She is 100% dependent on me, she even said that she wouldn't know what to do if she had a medical emergency here. That puts a lot of pressure on me because I don't even know what I would do in a medical emergency, I have not been to the doctor in 25 years. I have told her that I get stressed out when I am driving in unfamiliar places. So she knows that I freak out about all of these things and she responded by saying that she freaks out about them too but she needs to come here for her Mental Health so basically she makes it sound like it's all worth it. I also have told her that doing things that many days in a row is stressful but she knows that because we talk about that all the time, both of us are the same way, we only do one or two things each week (meaning how many times we actually leave the house). But yet she still feels like those rules don't apply when she is here, apparently. Originally she came here to spend time with me so it would have been silly to leave her sit there by herself most of the time. But now she loves the place that she stays at and it's more Home to her than her actual home. So I think that this next time she will be fine staying there without me a couple of the days but she knows I have no excuses, I don't have a job, I don't have a partner, I don't have kids, I am just home all day so I don't know what I can say to excuse myself from being there everyday.

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I also would say directly "yes, you feel badly because as you were racing to the phone you stubbed your toe and then the caller hung up anyway - that sounds frustrating."  Then I would say "tell me something good that happened today -something you are appreciative of" -if there is silence you share something like that -see if she will follow a lead of changing the subject and changing it to something more pleasant.

You can tell her with I statements "I've kind of used up my quota today of hearing about negative stuff -can we talk about something else?" 

 

I've never felt comfortable being that direct, but what I have been doing is turning everything she is saying negative around and focusing on the good part of it, or I just don't comment on it at all, because honestly, I am out of words now, I literally don't even know what to say anymore when she complains about the same things day in and day out. You can only say "that sucks" so many times, you can only give them solutions that they reject so many times. In response to my paragraphs saying "you should block her number", she just tells me an update of what her friend texted her today and how much it is stressing her out, completely ignoring my suggestion to block her.

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Also other than the shared perimenopaus stuff and the negative stuff -do  you laugh together- do you have other things in common?

Oh yes, we do laugh, and we do have things in common, the reason we met is because we have so many things in common. But it's not interests that keep a friendship together, it's also energetics. And her energy is so negative that it drags me down further than I already am with my own problems. And sometimes like I said her energy is so cringy with how she tries to get me to see all of the ways that we are so similar, it's like she's always trying to advertise that we are the best two friends that have ever existed or something, and it just makes me feel cringy. She was telling me that she loved me within four or five days of us even talking online, before we even met!

Thanks for your response!

 

[Rockchick26]

21 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Your friend is an energy vampire.  In other words,  she's draining you.  😠

You could enforce strict boundaries with her but don't be surprised if she disagrees with you and doesn't abide by your reasonable rules.  Most people are set in their ways including habits not compatible with yours.  😒

All of my local,  very close friends and I have common sense boundaries.  We're very close yet we don't bother each other excessively which is how it should be.  We have discretion.

She will not change for you.  The only change comes from you.  End the friendship.  Send her a text which says this:  "It's time to go our separate ways.  Please do not contact me anymore.  Thank you in advance for respecting and honoring my request.  I wish you all the best.  Sincerely,  Your Name."  You don't need to complain and explain.  If she continues to be relentless,  delete and block her on your phone and social media.

 

I honestly don't think that I could actually do that. I have had many friends in my life that I have quit talking to but I have never done this, I just unfriended them or blocked them (on facebook), especially if that was our only way of communication. But with her, she knows my address, she's been to my place, she knows where my mom lives, she has my phone number, she has my email address, she has access to me on Twitter (which is actually how we first found each other), she has access to me on Discord in multiple chats that we have been in together, we're both in like 10 of the same Facebook groups, so it's not just a matter of cutting ties, because I would literally have to move somewhere else and completely erase my identity online. Also, I don't think I could live with the guilt knowing that I am taking away from her the number one thing that keeps her going. I don't know how many times she has told me that the only thing that keeps her going is knowing that she gets to come back here every year. She said it's the only time that she's ever been happy in her entire life. There has to be a better way than to just completely cut her off and erase my online identity and hope that she never comes to my house.

[Rockchick26]

21 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Maybe it is Autistic burnout . My son is Autistic and he is pretty peopled out by most experiences. 
 

I would tell her that you are experiencing Autistic burnout and you need to be alone to get better . 

Oh she knows I am in autistic burnout, that is why I quit my job 6 years ago. But if I did it before, she would question why I'm unable to do it now. She knows that I have enough energy to go to 4-day music festivals multiple times throughout the summer, so I can't really go to a bunch of those and then tell her that I don't have the energy to sit on the couch with her.

[Rockchick26]

21 hours ago, Tinydance said:

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How old is her daughter? Is she under age or she's an adult? If she's over 18 then maybe you could just say you prefer just your friend time together just the two of you? Unless of course the daughter is more severely autistic and isn’t actually able to be left on her own. 

Her daughter just turned 18 when they were here in July, that's part of why they came here to celebrate her daughter's birthday. But she is not really capable of being on her own, she doesn't even sleep in her own bed, she sleeps with her mom (my friend). She even needs help styling her hair, and cooking.

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Have you spoken to your friend about how you feel and that it's not really your thing to talk 24/7? I mean, because you've been doing it for a few years, maybe she has no idea that you feel this way.

I have expressed concern about this but I have probably worded it in a way that didn't really get the point across. What I've been trying to do is word things in a way that make her understand that this trip might not be possible every year. I told her that I'm going to try getting a job again and I might be moving (which is true, I am on the housing assistance list), and I also tell her how stressed out I am and it's a lot of responsibility that I don't like, driving them around and literally being the only person that she knows in this entire country. So I have told her that I worry about this all the time, what if something happens to me or my car? Her response is that she worries about this stuff too but that's not going to stop her because she has nothing in life to live for except coming here every year, this is the only time she's happy. So then that also puts more pressure on me that if I am not able to pick her up at the airport and bring her back and bring her to stores and anywhere else we go, then she will not have any reason to live. The thing is, it was fine the first two times, because the first time, we met in a different state at a concert so we were staying at the same hotel and I didn't have to drive her anywhere because she took the shuttle to and from the airport. But then the second time she came here it was only for a week and I was really excited because I thought we were going to be able to do a lot more stuff that we talked about. The third time she came here it was for a full two weeks so it was much worse. That's when I really started to change how I feel about the whole thing. Now she will not come for less than 2 weeks, she has already said this. She wants to come for her daughter's birthday again and she wants to come for this music festival that we went to this year so she wants to be here for both of those things every year which means 2 weeks every single time. So if I say no to this, I'm also going to feel guilty that her daughter will not have a good birthday. Her daughter has also said that she wants to come back here every year. Her daughter considers me like her aunt, she loves me so much. She told one of her teachers that I have changed her life. These two people have put me on such a pedestal and now I feel pressured into spending two weeks with them every year.

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I don't think it's necessary to talk to anyone as much as you talk to this friend. I think most people would find it too much and too smothering. You could dial it down and just talk only once or twice a week or something like that. 

I think it's odd too, how much we chat. But neither one of us has jobs and I don't have a partner and she tries to avoid her husband as much as possible so we have used each other as an escape and as a way to vent about our lives that we hate. I loved messaging her this much back in the beginning but now the negative tone is starting to get to me because I'm actually trying to improve my life but she is not. So now that we have established this pattern, it's hard to explain why I want to send messages less often. I really don't want to deprive her of this escape that this is for her. I don't think there's any way that I can word this that will not hurt her feelings or make her cry because she cries over every little thing already. I really am trying to find a job, and I'm also trying to work on my online business and I keep telling her I need to spend more time doing that. The other thing is she sends me messages on Twitter, as well as Facebook. So I'm bouncing back and forth between the two of them all day long and that's definitely gotten overwhelming especially since now her daughter does it too (yes, both places, both of them!) I find myself making excuses for why I forget to check Twitter but this has been a habit and a pattern for the last year so it's making me look bad because it looks like I'm not thinking about her as much as she's thinking about me.

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In terms of her coming to visit you where you live. Maybe two weeks is too long and maybe needs to be more like one week. But then again if she only comes two weeks in a year, to me that doesn't seem like that much. To be honest if I was coming especially to see only one good friend and I paid for flights and accommodation, I would expect to actually spend substantial time with that friend there. I mean, she's spending a lot of money to come to see you. If you don't want her to come that's how you feel. In that case maybe just tell her honestly that you don't want her to come. But I think it's a bit rude to say that she can come to your city but then try not to see her much because she came there specifically to spend time with YOU. I don't know where you live but in my city any hotel or Air b n B costs a lot, it's all very expensive. And she doesn't stay at your place so it's not like she's putting you out in that way or in your face literally 24/7.

 

She will not just stay here for one week anymore, because now she's got her daughter on board with this whole idea and her daughter's birthday is like a week and a half before this Festival that we went to this year and she wants to go to it again next year so in order to be here for both her daughter's birthday and the festival, she has to be here for two full weeks. Plus, she said one week away from home was not enough. About the money, I have repeatedly told her it doesn't seem fair that she's spending all this money to come and see me but she says it's worth it. But it's also mostly her husband's money, he pays for her flights and AirBnB here because he likes having the house to himself just as much as she likes not being there (they have a horrible marriage, hence all the unhappiness). So he already told her that every year he will pay for her to fly here. So now that's three people that are putting energy into this happening and I am outnumbered.

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Also I totally get it's annoying if you made plans and she doesn't always follow through. Maybe what the problem is that you are both autistic and it sort of becomes a clash. Often people who are autistic get very stressed if plans get changed and things become out of order. But at the same time they can get a sensory overload and feel overwhelmed or apprehensive about going to a loud place. E.g. Going to eat in a restaurant. From having dated people on the spectrum or having  autistic friends, some of them had to leave an event or go to another room or outside due to the sensory overload. If your friend struggles with something like this then it might help you to be more understanding and allow her some grace. 

She did not have any of those issues when she was here, except for the first day right when she first got here, she hadn't slept in 24 hours and she needed food so we went to Walmart and it's very bright and loud in there and she got overwhelmed and said they had to leave even though she only had a few things in her cart. So then the next day I had to bring her back to the grocery store because she didn't have enough food. I completely understand if she doesn't want to go places, that's less driving for me. But I just didn't like sitting there and doing nothing, I absolutely hate sitting and this is why I avoid going to my mom's house too because all she wants to do is sit and watch TV and I can only handle that for maybe 2 hours. It would be fine if she would be okay at the Airbnb without me having to go there every day but she needs food so much, and every time she needs food I have to take her to the store and then her daughter wants to go to Target because that's her favorite store and we went to Target like 4 times and I was getting so sick of going there. I know this is an issue of me not being clear about my boundaries, but I feel bad because I'm the only person that they know here so if they have to go anywhere I'm the one that has to take them. And now it's both of them so I would feel bad saying to both of them that I need some time alone because they came here to see me. So I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

[Andrina]

You do list quite a bit of excuses, showing your way of dealing with such a problem is to want to bury your head in the sand versus being proactive and standing up for yourself by stating your own needs and sticking with your  boundaries. Sounds like there's not much you could do to have this barnacle friend be so angry with you that she'd stop being friends with you altogether, no matter what barriers you put up in certain avenues of your communication.

Where I would start if I didn't want to totally cut out a barnacle from my life? I'd tell her: People evolve, and I'm actually growing less fond of constant communication on the computer and phone, and I'm going to start limiting my talks to you for one hour every Sunday at (time of day). Even if she messages you on any of these FB groups, it doesn't mean you have to answer. 

Your concerns didn't faze her about her vacations by you. You just need to plain state that you will no longer be available to chauffeur her around for her vacation to your town and if she visits, you will meet up with her at her location on one and only one occasion. If that seems harsh, well, that's the way you have to be with someone who could care less that they are an imposition.

36 minutes ago, Rockchick26 said:

Her response is that she worries about this stuff too but that's not going to stop her because she has nothing in life to live for except coming here every year, this is the only time she's happy. So then that also puts more pressure on me that if I am not able to pick her up at the airport and bring her back and bring her to stores and anywhere else we go, then she will not have any reason to live.

However, I wouldn't even remain friends at all with someone who was obviously attempting to emotionally manipulate me like in your quote. It wouldn't matter how much she supported me in the past by listening to my woes. That would be a dealbreaker for any person possessing self-love if there ever was one. 

You've allowed yourself to get into this pickle and now you'll have to find a way out. No more excuses. Make a list of all the connections you have with her and begin with the easiest one to sever and each day, complete another task on your list. Nothing is impossible in life so don't use that psychology on yourself to avoid action.

[Tinydance]

19 minutes ago, Rockchick26 said:

 

OK so if you were drawing a flow chart of your friendship with this woman. The first box might be "Do I want to be friends with this woman?" If the answer is no, that's it. End of story. That's where the flow chart finishes. But if the answer is yes, the next box would probably be "How can I make this friendship work?"

Number one thing, you really don't need to be friends with someone just out of pity. At the end of the day, if you don't like her then she's being misled about your friendship. She seems codependent and maybe it's mostly that. But she seems to really like you a lot. Maybe she even thinks of you as her best friend. If you don't feel the same, that's OK..But if you don't really want to be friends then let her know. Don't lead her on and pretend that everything is fine just because you feel bad. Personally I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who secretly doesn't like me. I want real friends who do like me for me and actually enjoy my company. 

If you do actually want to continue being friends with her, then just be really honest about how you want the friendship to be. If she really values you and wants you in her life, then she needs to respect how you feel. Friendship is a two way street. It's not all just about her. It seems to me that it's now become more like a holiday getaway for her and her daughter. They don't stay at your place so I guess you can't really tell them not to come. If the husband can afford it and they enjoy the holiday, you can't exactly stop them.

However you don't have to constantly drive them around. You definitely need to set some very clear boundaries. Yes the daughter likes you but you aren't her mother. You don't actually need to make sure that the daughter can go wherever she wants, e.g. Target. Also why does the daughter act like a child? Is she severely autistic and/or disabled? Or is she just extremely coddled and codependent? In any case, she's not a kid, she's an adult. She can't just expect to be driven around on a whim so just say no.

If you're not interested in doing certain things they want to do, tell them directly. Just say: "Actually I'm not into XYZ. I won't be coming with you to XYZ. Please get public transport or an Uber there." I mean, yes this woman is autistic but presumably high functioning? She's married, raised a child and can catch a plane to another country/continent. Don't baby her and just tell it like it is. Give help on how to catch public transport or walk places and say they have to do it. Be very clear. If they don't like that, they are free not to come to see you. 

 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Rockchick26 said:

I honestly don't think that I could actually do that. I have had many friends in my life that I have quit talking to but I have never done this, I just unfriended them or blocked them (on facebook), especially if that was our only way of communication. But with her, she knows my address, she's been to my place, she knows where my mom lives, she has my phone number, she has my email address, she has access to me on Twitter (which is actually how we first found each other), she has access to me on Discord in multiple chats that we have been in together, we're both in like 10 of the same Facebook groups, so it's not just a matter of cutting ties, because I would literally have to move somewhere else and completely erase my identity online. Also, I don't think I could live with the guilt knowing that I am taking away from her the number one thing that keeps her going. I don't know how many times she has told me that the only thing that keeps her going is knowing that she gets to come back here every year. She said it's the only time that she's ever been happy in her entire life. There has to be a better way than to just completely cut her off and erase my online identity and hope that she never comes to my house.

Enforce healthy and strict boundaries.  Learn the power of saying, "No."  There is a way to drift apart from a person and fade away.  Decline a lot.  Sooner or later she'll get the message that you are no longer interested in cultivating,  nurturing and maintaining an abnormal friendship. 

[Batya33]

Please reread again and again what Tinydance and Andrina wrote.  Spot on.  To add -this doesn't sound like a friendship from how you described it especially how she expresses herself to you. It sounds like you are the caregiver and she is the patient/client/child however you want to describe it.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, Rockchick26 said:

I honestly don't think that I could actually do that. I have had many friends in my life that I have quit talking to but I have never done this, I just unfriended them or blocked them (on facebook), especially if that was our only way of communication. But with her, she knows my address, she's been to my place, she knows where my mom lives, she has my phone number, she has my email address, she has access to me on Twitter (which is actually how we first found each other), she has access to me on Discord in multiple chats that we have been in together, we're both in like 10 of the same Facebook groups, so it's not just a matter of cutting ties, because I would literally have to move somewhere else and completely erase my identity online. Also, I don't think I could live with the guilt knowing that I am taking away from her the number one thing that keeps her going. I don't know how many times she has told me that the only thing that keeps her going is knowing that she gets to come back here every year. She said it's the only time that she's ever been happy in her entire life. There has to be a better way than to just completely cut her off and erase my online identity and hope that she never comes to my house.

I feel like you're torn because she annoys you but on some level you actually still want to be friends. Being friends with someone largely online is actually much easier to cut off than in real life. You say goodbye and then you block the person on every platform. Even if you're in a lot of the same groups, they can't see you or speak to you. Did you genuinely not know that you can do that? Or you're actually looking for reasons to hold on to this friend?