Do men exist who genuinely DON'T desire other women when in a relationship?

[blue_night08]

Ok everyone, first of all I want to apologize because english is not my first language and I will probably make a lot of mistakes, so sorry for that.

Where do I begin?

I'm a 22 yo woman and I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I've never had anyone else before him so he is my first everything. 

We've had a good relationship so far, we take care of each other, have fun together, have good communication, and I believe he is a nice guy who treats me well.

But I want to go straight to the point of this post. 

About a year into the relationship I saw something that made me rethink everything I thought I knew. I accidentally caught a glimpse of his explore page, and as you may have guessed, it was full of women in skimpy clothes, provocative videos etc., and he liked most of that content.

Of course my first thought was "why am I not enough? Is it my boobs, my ass, or maybe face, or hair? Or maybe he just got tired of everything about my body"  I told him how hurt I was by that, that I did not understand why he even felt the need to look up these women if he truly was satisfied with me. His answer was that he likes everything he sees on instagram and it means nothing. Of course I know he just told that to made me feel better, but I'm not that stupid. 

He apologized and stopped doing that, which I was very grateful for, but something inside me changed, because now I couldn't stop comparing myself to what I had seen. Never in my life I have felt so insecure and undesirable. I started thinking of all the other times he talked about other women..that day he told me his type was still blonde women (which I am not), that day he told me he would like to have sex with two gorgeous pornstars.. when he first told me those things I thought nothing of it, I brushed it off very fast, but now all of it started making sense.

And because he is my first boyfriend and I am very inexperienced with men, I had no idea if all of this was normal or not. So I went on the internet and looked up multiple articles about this exact topic. And apparently yes, men do not stop desiring other women just because they have one already.

I had no idea about this. It was a sudden and horrible realization. It's not even about noticing that this or that woman is attractive, because that's nothing, I can also acknowledge if one man is attractive or not, but that doesn't mean I desire them sexually. I truly only want and fantasize about my boyfriend. 

I don't care that everyone says "this is how men are, get over it", how can I accept that the man that I love is always lusting for others? Are they really all like that? If yes then what's the point of loving a man if he's always thinking about "newer" "fresher" women. It drives me nuts. 

I can understand that in a long term relationship it can happen to have little crushes and attractions to others, I'm okay with this fact, but always being distracted by others even in the honeymoon stage of the relationship? I feel like if you are constantly attracted to others you aren't truly 100% satisfied with what you have..

I don't want a man to sit beside me like a good boy and then mentally undress every woman that walks by. If that's the reality of how men are then I'm OK by myself, or dating asexuals and giving up sex forever (tbh I don't even care about sex)

I feel like life's too short to compromise on things that give me this level of hurt

[MissCanuck]

21 minutes ago, blue_night08 said:

I'm okay with this fact, but always being distracted by others even in the honeymoon stage of the relationship?

Always? No, I would not say that is normal. Who told you that? 

Look, humans will find others attractive - men and women alike. And yes, we will sometimes fantasize about those people in a sexual way too. Not everyone does this, of course, but it's common (and not just for men) Lusting after others all the time, well, that is not my experience. 

It sounds like your boyfriend is still quite immature and needs a filter. Telling you his type is something you are not and also that he wanted to have sex with two porn stars? What a clown. He will learn (hopefully) that there are certain thoughts that should not be spoken aloud, especially to one's partner. 

21 minutes ago, blue_night08 said:

what's the point of loving a man if he's always thinking about "newer" "fresher" women. It drives me nuts. 

Because this is simply not true. I suggest you step back from whatever internet sources are telling you this. Understand that men (and women) are individuals. Not everyone always does the same things or thinks the same way. There are plenty out there who do not fit your description above. 

[Batya33]

Agree with Canuck -this is not about gender as much as rudeness and immaturity and also desire doesn't have to mean the person enjoys looking at porn sites or at scantily clad people or "hot" people.  Feeling desire can simply be a person seeing or being around a person they feel an attraction to and having that feeling -and - choosing to do nothing about it including because maybe the person is committed elsewhere (or many other reasons -maybe that person is married/is not actually a good person to their knowledge/has nothing in common, etc). Feeling desire is normal.  I desire cheesecake too many more times than I purchase it. 

But please don't regard men as creatures who simply cannot help themselves by reacting to desire by being thoughtless to their partner, by focusing their  time on IG or porn sites, etc.  Just like you don't see women in this way. Also why assume that desire means "newer/fresher" - that's also kind of insulting to men.  I know of many people who desire people with all their hearts, souls, private parts -who are "old" by society's standards and not at all objectively attractive.

I'm married. I assume my husband has felt desire for other women in the over 20 years we've either been married or exclusive.  My husband has always treated me with respect in that way (and all ways but staying on topic here) - he's never ogled or been distracted by another woman in my presence, spoke of another woman in an inappropriate way, including his exes or told me he wants to have sex with or be with other women.  In our relationship that wouldn't be ok with me if he did. 

Many years ago I think we watched some porn together and it was fun and we enjoyed it!  He's gone to strip clubs as have I in our lifetimes but many years ago.  (For pre-wedding festivities of our friends). 

I wouldn't have dated or married him if he acted like your boyfriend does -we were in our late 20s when we first met.  Other women would be turned on and/or would act like that as well so they'd be compatible. 

That's the thing -you have to in your own mind and heart figure out your boundaries -which often will reflect your values -and stick to them and not tolerate someone who doesn't treat you appropriately in general. A rare slip -that's up to you - I once joked around in front of my then boyfriend about some hot guy who was at a wedding we were attending -joked with other women who were doing the same and he didn't like that.  I don't blame him.  I apologized. Some people would not be ok with a rare slip or it would depend on what it was.  Again, individual.

But when he told his friend in front of me that the bride (who he met at the wedding) looked beautiful that was totally fine -a bit out of character/effusive for him but again - it's that individual.  Someone else might have had their self esteem trashed at that moment "I got all dressed up for this wedding and you're commenting on another  woman's beauty!!"

Get real and get honest with yourself - I agree with Canuck but others who comment might think -oh he's just a guy, he's joking around, don't be so sensitive, have a thicker skin, maybe you two should have sex with porn stars, it's so thrilling -whatever floats their boat! What floats your boat and what will keep it seaworthy over years and years as it sounds like you're serious minded. It's not always easy to figure out and may need some  tweaking but if you feel yourself rationalizing -too much - that's a warning you're not respecting yourself.  JMHO.

 

[yogacat]

It doesn't have to be a "man thing."

It's not a universal trait.

I think your boyfriend has desires, like a lot people do, but your expectation is that he never allows himself to become so preoccupied that it consumes him, becomes a preoccupation.  Does that sound correct?  

There is a difference between finding someone attractive versus seeking it out.

Do I think that expecting your boyfriend to never have thoughts about anyone else ever again in his entire life is unrealistic? Yes. But I also think there are healthier and more respectful ways to address those feelings as opposed to seeking out women online and liking their content and confiding in you that he would like to have sex in the present tense with pornstars.

[Coily]

There's so many tropes here... going to be interesting.

Right off the bat, I think you need to differentiate between men who have idle thoughts and enjoy the female form; and men who seek out engagement. You have mistakenly conflated the two, not an uncommon mistake in youth. He may have too much reliance on visual stimulation, and has little shame of it; due to wide acceptance in the current society.

Unfortunately, you have fallen into the self esteem trap, I will say this is NOT a reflection upon you at all. Some young men will say they have a type to their GF, as a ham handed compliment trying to express that they find you pretty as you aren't who he usually goes for. It's tactless, but usually well intentioned.

The pornstar thing? If taken generously it's him thinking about trying new things with you. Otherwise it's just a dumb idle thought.

I'm sure a gas engineer will pop in and tell you how she plucked her husband's eyes out and he's the perfect quality form circular shopping. But, in reality you cannot control the inner workings of someone's mind.

Honestly, I think you are being overly dramatic in your self denial conclusions. You are having as unrealistic expectations of the inner workings of a mind,  on par with some guy who expects to find the virgin housewife candidate at a strip club.

 

 

[TeeDee]

Men are visual creatures.  They like to look.  

Your BF looking at images does not mean you are not enough.  

You are making this more than it is.  

[smackie9]

People are visual and emotional creatures. People will fantasize about other people. There are very few people on this planet that don't or haven't. Whatever goes on in ones head is no ones business. And yes OP there will be a day when you are older you will catch yourself doing it to. Seeking it out?...ya most young men will. In the old days it was porn mags under the bathroom sink. It's nothing new. I'm sorry you find this distressing but it's part of life AND it has nothing to do with you. YOU cannot compare yourself to what he's looking at. His feelings for you remain the same. The pictures he looks at are just an extension of his sexuality. I'm a woman and I have always understood this. It doesn't mean you have to like it or accept it....just understand it. 

[bluecastle]

Echoing much of what's been said...

This isn't really about men vs women, as most all of us humans still notice—and enjoy, sometimes lustily, even when inside a relationship—the sight of another attractive human. A billboard that more or less hovers over my apartment, for example, is run by a plastic surgeon who specializes in abs and butts. I am not ashamed to say that I have noticed those abs and butts, which of course are of the abnormally attractive variety. Similarly, while watching an episode of dumb TV last night with my girlfriend I noticed a male actor who to my eye was almost illegally handsome and who I'd venture my girlfriend appreciated on even more levels than I did.  

So it goes.

In terms of the specifics here, I think a lot of it is about the warping lens of social media. If it was 1995, your boyfriend would have flipped through the occasional Playboy, noticed a poster of a random hottie at a record shop, appreciated the figure of, I don't know, a beach volleyball player glimpsed in a 15 second ad for an upcoming match on ESPN. You'd have known all that, on some level, and been, like, whatever. Because you'd noticed a hot dude at the park with friends that afternoon and had a 5-second long conversation about the divot of his triceps. 

Alas, now this stuff is beamed into our palms, and anything we stare at for longer than one second sends a message to the algorithm that we'd like more. And more comes, with some very modern consequences. 1. New habits are created, e.g. the young dude who once glanced at that poster (but found the idea of buying it lame) now has zillions of that poster in his phone. 2. Semi-public things like Explore Pages exist, which can be glimpsed by partners, giving a completely false impression of who someone is.  Looking at my own, for example, reveals a portrait of someone with a serious interest in celebrity couples and breaching whales—an accurate portrait of maybe .0001 percent of my humanity. 

The other big factor here: immaturity, on both sides. A man talking to a romantic partner his type, about fantasies about porn stars—that will 99.9 percent of the time result in the romance hitting the skids. This gets learned, adjustments get made, growth happens, etc. Sounds like there's been a touch of that, on his part. Not fun, I know, but also not the apocalypse. 

Similarly, you taking this super personally is a sign of your own immaturity/insecurity—and a part of this I really feel for, as it's seriously hard to grow up with all this noise mobilizing to stunt you at every step by pouring kerosene on those very human insecurities. But imagine this: How would you feel about your boyfriend if social media did not exist? That's what's most important, because that's the only part that's actually real, and maybe this can be a moment for you to see that a bit more clearly and not invest as heavily on the not-real.   

 

[Tinydance]

OK so I'm female and I'm also pansexual (I like all genders). My personal opinion is that yes most people do find other people attractive and do desire other people. Most people have sexual fantasies and sometimes they're not about their partner. Sometimes people find themselves attracted to someone they don't even want to be attracted to. I think it's natural to appreciate attraction and we are very visual creatures. That's why attractive people usually have things a lot easier in life. Because people see them and equal being attractive to being good and desirable. Even straight women might admire other and be like: "Wow she's so pretty". 

However I think how people respond to that attraction might be different. I honestly think that most men probably won't cheat. Like in the sense that they will actually do anything with other women. But a lot of men will do stuff like look at porn or photos of models. Many men don't see it as meaning anything because they're just random women on the screen that they don't know. They separate attraction and sexual desire from their real emotional relationship with their girlfriend. For example, if I watch TV shows, I'll crush or fantasise about an actor. But I don't love them and don't want to be with them or something. OK to be honest if Ryan Gosling or Bradley Copper asked me out, I'd be with them. Or Emma Stone 🤣

One thing I really want to draw attention to though is that most likely this is nothing about you. There's nothing wrong with you or how you look. Like if I'm perving on Ryan Gosling or Emma Stone, that doesn't mean I'd only date people who look like that. I don't date people I'm not attracted to someone I was attracted to every single partner I had. Most models and women in porn have big breasts but that doesn't mean that all guys would ONLY date women with big breasts. This is just a stereotype of how models and porn actresses look. Like, that bleached blonde "Barbie" look. 

[Tinydance]

8 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Echoing much of what's been said...

This isn't really about men vs women, as most all of us humans still notice—and enjoy, sometimes lustily, even when inside a relationship—the sight of another attractive human. A billboard that more or less hovers over my apartment, for example, is run by a plastic surgeon who specializes in abs and butts. I am not ashamed to say that I have noticed those abs and butts, which of course are of the abnormally attractive variety. Similarly, while watching an episode of dumb TV last night with my girlfriend I noticed a male actor who to my eye was almost illegally handsome and who I'd venture my girlfriend appreciated on even more levels than I did.  

So it goes.

In terms of the specifics here, I think a lot of it is about the warping lens of social media. If it was 1995, your boyfriend would have flipped through the occasional Playboy, noticed a poster of a random hottie at a record shop, appreciated the figure of, I don't know, a beach volleyball player glimpsed in a 15 second ad for an upcoming match on ESPN. You'd have known all that, on some level, and been, like, whatever. Because you'd noticed a hot dude at the park with friends that afternoon and had a 5-second long conversation about the divot of his triceps. 

Alas, now this stuff is beamed into our palms, and anything we stare at for longer than one second sends a message to the algorithm that we'd like more. And more comes, with some very modern consequences. 1. New habits are created, e.g. the young dude who once glanced at that poster (but found the idea of buying it lame) now has zillions of that poster in his phone. 2. Semi-public things like Explore Pages exist, which can be glimpsed by partners, giving a completely false impression of who someone is.  Looking at my own, for example, reveals a portrait of someone with a serious interest in celebrity couples and breaching whales—an accurate portrait of maybe .0001 percent of my humanity. 

The other big factor here: immaturity, on both sides. A man talking to a romantic partner his type, about fantasies about porn stars—that will 99.9 percent of the time result in the romance hitting the skids. This gets learned, adjustments get made, growth happens, etc. Sounds like there's been a touch of that, on his part. Not fun, I know, but also not the apocalypse. 

Similarly, you taking this super personally is a sign of your own immaturity/insecurity—and a part of this I really feel for, as it's seriously hard to grow up with all this noise mobilizing to stunt you at every step by pouring kerosene on those very human insecurities. But imagine this: How would you feel about your boyfriend if social media did not exist? That's what's most important, because that's the only part that's actually real, and maybe this can be a moment for you to see that a bit more clearly and not invest as heavily on the not-real.   

 

I was literally thinking all the same stuff. I keep remembering how on another forum this girl completely went off at me. She was saying that her boyfriend watches porn and she feels really insecure because she had a caesarean when she had their baby. And that she thought he watched porn because he's not attracted to her because of her caesarean scar. I mean. I don't know the real situation but my guess is he was just watching porn because he was horny. I understand that many women hate porn but for some reason they immediately jump to that there's something wrong with them? I never felt threatened by those Playboy models or porn actresses because they mostly just look so fake. I mean, if people feel good to get plastic surgery then I'm happy they feel self confident. But personally I hate that fake breasts and botox look. I love my natural looks. I think even when I'm 60 + I'll never get botox. I'll be loving my cute wrinkles lol

[Jaunty]

I think this goes to personal self esteem issues of your own.   He might be creepy, I don't know, but  your sense of self is wrapped up in what kind of pictures he likes to look at in an unhealthy way.  

Honestly, I think you might want to seek some professional help to sort through this.   It's no way to live.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

He sounds very immature. What he did and his response is not respectful.

Looking and thinking about different women is one thing. To openly like and keep tabs or pages up is something different. He knows he can't get those women for the most part.

I don't think he would like it if you were doing the same thing. 

He knows what he has and what your past experience is.

Don't let him beat you down.

Be strong, confident, and glowing.

 

 

 

 

 

[The Shark101]

""Do men exist who genuinely DON'T desire other women when in a relationship? "'

NO.  If you're a healthy man with a healthy level of testosterone you'll desire many women even when in a relationship,  but that doesn't mean you have to act on it. 
What your bf do is beyond just a simple desire to other women, it's an indication that you're not enough for him. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, The Shark101 said:

""Do men exist who genuinely DON'T desire other women when in a relationship? "'

NO.  If you're a healthy man with a healthy level of testosterone you'll desire many women even when in a relationship,  but that doesn't mean you have to act on it. 
What your bf do is beyond just a simple desire to other women, it's an indication that you're not enough for him. 

Moreso to me it's an indication that no woman really would be enough for him to change from acting in a boorish disrespectful way.  Because if he truly would "change" for someone who looked like one of those photos -then when that woman's looks fade or if they change/she gains or loses a lot of weight -then what with a person who is comfortable behaving that way to his partner?

[ShySoul]

On 10/16/2024 at 12:31 AM, blue_night08 said:

And apparently yes, men do not stop desiring other women just because they have one already.

Some men, not all.

If I love someone, I love them. I do not desire anyone else. I am not attracted to anyone else. I can appreciate a specific quality about them, such as thinking they are smart or kind. But I do not "want" them. To even consider being with another woman would be a disservice and dishoner to the love I have. If I am fortunate enough to have someone who actually wants to be with me, I will return that affection with every ounce of my heart and soul. 

I have never wanted to be with many women, never wanted to have relationships or dates with lots of women. I have always dreamed of that one person who I will spend my life with, forsaking all others. Variety doesn't mean anything. When you are with the person that completes you, where everything fits, there won't be an interest in anyone else. You already have the best next to you. Why settle for anything less? And why even consider hurting the person you love?

On 10/16/2024 at 12:31 AM, blue_night08 said:

I don't care that everyone says "this is how men are, get over it", how can I accept that the man that I love is always lusting for others? Are they really all like that? If yes then what's the point of loving a man if he's always thinking about "newer" "fresher" women. It drives me nuts. 

Don't accept it. If you don't want that, then don't accept it from anyone. Don't accept if from the guy you are with. Don't accept it from anyone who tells you it's how it is. If it drives you nuts, there is a reason for that. And there is no point in loving someone who thinks about someone else.

You deserve someone devoted to you and only you. You deserve the kind of love that you want to have. And if you want someone who only has eyes for you, then you should have that.

This isn't about sex, this isn't about appearance. This is about love. If you love someone fully, then your mind, heart, body, and soul are tuned into them. You want and desire them. There is no one else. Doesn't matter if you are a man, woman, or any other gender. They are it, your world, your fantasy.

 

[ShySoul]

This is also not a sign you are doing or thinking anything wrong or bad. This is not your problem. You should have the kind of love you want to have, no matter what anyone else thinks, says, or does. Do not settle for less then what is ideal and right for you.

People aren't all visual creatures. For some people they don't care about the appearance. They care about the heart. They care about the emotions. They don't see people in terms of looks. They aren't focused on sexual desires (and appearance really has nothing to do with sex in the first place). There are guys who focus on the soul of a person. As one, I should know.

It doesn't matter how common it might be for others to lust or fantasize about people they aren't with. What matters is what you want in the relationship. If you don't want it, then it shouldn't happen, at all.

You weren't saying he couldn't have thoughts about anyone ever. But even if you did expect that, it wouldn't be unrealistic. If it was what you wanted, then it is what you wanted and it is what you should have. And a guy deserving of you should be able to give you that.

You were not being overly dramatic. You were not having self denial conclusions. You were not making more of this then is there. You were expressing the feelings of your heart, feelings that were understandable and real. If it has been bothering you, it is a sign that you want more then this person can give.

If you are a loving, caring man you only desire the one you love, the one you are with. And the love that people like this give is far more passionate, intense, and fulfilling then the love you will get from those other guys.

Honestly, this kind of love is rare. Most people aren't ready for it. This guy certainly isn't ready for it. But it exists. And it is heaven.

Hope you can find someone who will give you everything you deserve and everything you desire, someone who will desire you and only you.