Scary Trend

[AV0]

After being in a 14 year relationship, I entered back into the dating pool earlier this year. The process was reluctant as someone I thought was just a friend became very flirty and overtly sexual in their communication towards me.  This included verbal advances and risque photos.  We finally agreed to start seeing each other and it lasted all of 2 months/5 dates.

 

You may ask why so few dates? Well, she couldn't keep plans ever.  Sometimes cancelling a half hour before meeting. Often citing health issues like stomach aches or even dehydration complete with a photo from the hospital bed with an IV in her arm. The shot was just of her arm and as she had no specific markings or tattoos it may not have even been her arm. After noticing an argument between her and another acquaintance I delved into it and found she was doing the same thing to him and several others simultaneously.  We never sex, thankfully. Needless to say we are no longer friends. I was disgusted. 

 

A couple months later I said ok, not everyone can be that bad. I try a dating app.  Met what seemed like a nice woman, we got a long well met for lunch and the conversation was great. We were to meet for a second date but she cancelled about an hour before citing kidney stones and sent a picture of herself in a hospital bed with her makeup smeared and her eyes wide. Not sure if that was supposed to simulate discomfort but I tried to be understanding though I was suspicious as she was a nurse and could have easily just taken this photo at any time. Also who is taking selfies while in excruciating pain? Now I am no doctor but I find it hard to believe someone would have a surgery  after working the night shift and being admitted at the same hospital and then go back the next day for a training seminar. It later came out she didn't feel a spark while we met  and rather than just say that and maybe we could have just had a pleasant friendly relationship if any, decided to just be dishonest.

 

This next one really concerns me. Started talking to someone a month ago. She is twice divorced with young adult children. Everything seemed great. She was a little quiet on our first date but I figured it was just nerves and  things got better by the end and were very good the next time I saw her. She has cancelled 3 times altogether. Once again health issues. Last week she informs me she has symptoms of Herpes. I have never had an STD before. Got tested this past August because I was skeptical given the events I believe led to the demise of my 14 year relationship. Results came back clean and I was relieved to know this. As this person I was recently seeing is the only person I have been with sexually, since testing clean, I am not apt to believe I gave this to her as she is implying. Also she has not volunteered any evidence of her diagnosis. I also have no symptoms or evidence that I have an infection.

 

I will be tested tomorrow to ease my mind. If she wanted to break things off or found someone else I would have accepted it but I refuse to be a scapegoat  for someone else's sickness. Has anyone else been seeing this behavior of people claiming illness to either end things or put someone off? I find this scary especially when it becomes accusatory and there is essentially no proof to back up claims. I promise I am not a bad person. I am just very lonely and wanted to believe that there could be someone who might enjoy spending time with me but I am not gullible by any means. I also do not sleep around so this is very alarming. Thank you for reading

[yogacat]

Yeah, it's funny how when you start dating someone they either get sick or have to travel on business. But, there was a time I had just started dating someone and I for sure got really sick. I didn't send him photos or anything though. He inferred that I was sick because I was kissing other men which really turned me off. I was so sick with some bacterial infection that I had to go to an urgent care clinic.

But, I had to laugh because I was kissing only him. His claims made no sense at all. But this woman you dated does have these red flags. As a nurse, you know better about kidney stones. They hurt really bad from what I hear. They don't come and go.

With something like herpes, that may be why she is hesitant to send you proof. If she is hesitant, that leads me to think the reason is that she doesn't have proof.

But the main thing wasn't so much about you being skeptical or not totally positive. It was in how she communicated with you, cancelling three times. There is no reason for anyone to communicate that way with someone they care for. This will be a downer for you because now, for sure, when dating women, you will remember these experiences, and it will make you jaded, moody, maybe bitter.

But, try and look at these experiences as learning opportunities. They really are. The more you experience the different kinds of women out there, the more you can build up a strong radar in your head and a strong cancelled date reflex in your body. Right now, you're batting zero and that's okay.

Don't beat yourself up about this or let this stop you from finding someone.

[Batya33]

Ugh I feel for you -I get so annoyed by flakes - not just in dating in the past -and feel like a fool each time I give another chance -except I try not to give too many chances.

I am reliable to a fault.  And in 1992 I was bitten by my then boyfriend's mother's dog.  I had plans to meet an old friend (also a guy and yes someone I'd dated a couple years earlier) at my school where I was in grad school and then we'd go out for lunch.  But because of the dog bite I had to go get checked out and get a tetanus shot if I remember.  I called his home and office -or any number I had -but obviously from a landline. 

I called my friend who was  supposed to go to class that day and left a message -maybe she could figure out who he was/at our meeting spot and tell him.  Nothing worked. He waited a long time and was upset with me.  And no he didn't believe the dog bite thing-not really. It was really frustrating and of course I felt badly that he went and waited! My friend was so sorry she didn't get my message.

But that's the thing -everyone gets a one off -we all have really odd things happen to us.  So what I would do - assess each situation on its own but decide how many chances you are willing to give based on what the excuse is.  For whatever odd reason I find that flakiness has only increased with technology -with so many ways to reach someone way in advance or at least with "I'm really sorry I am running 10 minutes late- see you soon." 

I'm sorry you've had such a run of flakes! As my mom used to say when I had a really bad date "well, um, at least it can't really get worse??"

[AV0]

Thank you so much for your response. I don't want to be bitter and I do still believe there may be someone out there for me. But this has been eating at me for days and just made me feel, as you said, jaded.

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, AV0 said:

Thank you so much for your response. I don't want to be bitter and I do still believe there may be someone out there for me. But this has been eating at me for days and just made me feel, as you said, jaded.

I think you're perfectly in your right to feel a bit deflated. I think anyone would be in your shoes!

[TeeDee]

I only did on-line dating once for about 90 days over 15 years ago & hated it.  It was demoralizing & I didn't connect with anybody I would have given the time of day to had I encountered them in real life. 

Skip the apps.  Get out there.  Do things.  Go places.  Be interesting.  Smile & say hi to strangers, especially anybody you meet while doing something that you enjoy.  The old fashioned way is the best way to meet solid non-flaky people.  

[AV0]

40 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I only did on-line dating once for about 90 days over 15 years ago & hated it.  It was demoralizing & I didn't connect with anybody I would have given the time of day to had I encountered them in real life. 

Skip the apps.  Get out there.  Do things.  Go places.  Be interesting.  Smile & say hi to strangers, especially anybody you meet while doing something that you enjoy.  The old fashioned way is the best way to meet solid non-flaky people.  

Thank you. I am naturally shy  but more willing to go outside my comfort zone if it will be worth it.

[TeeDee]

Shyness can be overcome.  It's a skill.  I'm not saying you have to be the life of the party but if you can make eye contact with somebody, nod your head in acknowledgement & maybe eeek out a "hi!" you have the start of something.   Everybody is so hung up on being scared or shy or wrong that nobody is brave enough to break the ice.  If you can manage to do that you will put the other person at ease  & they will be grateful.