is it cheating to think of someone else in my alone time?

[jabondox]

So my partner has sexually checked out and I have come to terms with it. For the record, I just don't know why she can't say no when I ask her for intimacy. It is always an excuse. I don't blame her checking out since I had emotionally cheated on her a while back. While it was a one time thing, I take full responsibility for what it did to her and the relationship. Over the years, there is a lot of transparency and she has full access and stuff. But still she has checked out physically and based on some therapy sessions, likely checked out emotionally.

But now my question is...it is killing me inside that I am slowly starting to find it very hard to think of her sexually in my head. The past few months, I couldn't just imagine her sexually and I end up feeling so guilty for I promised her I will never be involved again with any other person.

Any man/woman faces that? Is my feeling of guilty valid/justified?

 

[WendyT]

Sex is a massive part of a relationship - (for most) it certainly sounds like it is for you. This lack of intimacy could cause long-term issues if you are left wanting something from a relationship that you are not getting.  Has she detailed the reasons she no longer wants to be intimate with you? - it obviously stems from your emotional affair that you have taken account for but maybe this has had consequences that run deeper - has her confidence been damaged? Does she no longer think you find her sexy? Maybe she needs you to make her feel good about herself again so she isn't constantly comparing herself to this other person whom you emotionally connected with. 

How is the rest of the relationship? Do you still laugh, have special times together etc? The fact you say she has checked out emotionally as well is a bit of a concern. What is the point in this relationship? 

How long have you been together and do you have any children?

[TeeDee]

Thoughts are not actions.   You are not a cheater but your marriage is in trouble. 

Is there a way you can reconnect with your wife?  Have you ever asked her what would make her desire you? or how you two can reconnect?