Am I evil for having a rape fantasy as a man?

[NoNameHere]

The title's pretty self-explanatory, but I'll add some context here. I've been having rape fantasies about women I'm attracted to for years and, even though I've never been tempted to act of them, I've always felt guilty for that. I've had people online try to reassure me by saying I'm fine because lots of women have similar fantasies. But that's never felt helpful. I'll take some time to explain why I say that now:

 

When women have fantasies about being raped, from what admittedly brief, unofficial research I've done, It's typically for one of these three major reasons.

 

One: They have to deal with a lot of responsibility in their daily life, so the idea of being "subjugated" by partners they trust provides a sense of comfort and relief that translates to arousal within that setting. Sounds okay to me.

 

Two: They've suffered from an actual rape and are trying to recreate their trauma in a controlled environment as a means of mitigating the negative impact that traumatic experience has left them with. Exposure therapy.

 

Three: They like the idea of someone finding them so attractive that they lose control and are even willing to risk getting locked away and branded as garbage just for the sake of getting to have their way sexually with them.

 

None of these mentalities sound inherently wrong or problematic to me(Although they can easily be if their levels of intensity become extreme). Nor does the idea of a man playing along with a woman's fantasy to please her. What worries me are the implications of a man, like me, having a rape fantasy all on his own. That doesn't seem great.

 

The only two motives I can think of for this being the case is an attraction to power dynamics(Which is the case for me), or the desire to make women suffer. Both of which strike me as coming from an unhealthy place and being more likely to become problematic. It's especially troubling for me because my fantasy directly goes against the ethics anf morals my family spent years trying to drill into my head, most of which were pretty much meant to lead me away from becoming an *** who's driven through life by selfish desires. 

 

And, well...I can't think of much that's more ***-like than wilfully taking the potential risk of giving some poor girl a lifetime of PTSD just for the sake of getting my rocks off. To make matters worse, I actually know more than a few rape victims(Mostly family members), and I've seen for myself the type of long-term impact such abuse can have. It's not a pretty sight. But I'm still getting off to scenarios where I'll inflict similar trauma on others. What does that say about me as a man?

[yogacat]

Why not look into BDSM groups where you can safely explore these fantasies with willing partners? That way, you can indulge in your fantasy without actually causing harm to anyone.

15 minutes ago, NoNameHere said:

I've been having rape fantasies about women I'm attracted to for years and, even though I've never been tempted to act of them, I've always felt guilty for that.

Maybe you want the power to be able to "have sex" with someone who doesn't want you and turned you down. A revenge, and to savor in how-even if you reject them, it doesn't matter; no matter how much you hate it, it doesn't matter.

The thing is that you have specific women in mind-- because maybe you only keep them close out of hopes to one day finally force them, the power trip with that type.

But who knows why, really.

Alternatively, you could try exploring other fantasies that don't involve non-consensual acts, such as role-playing or power dynamics.

[Seraphim]

As someone who has been raped that is disturbing. 

[NoNameHere]

11 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

As someone who has been raped that is disturbing. 

Not an unfair response.

[SophiaG]

I wouldn’t call someone evil because of a fantasy. It’s what they do with it that matters I think. Many women have some extent of râpé fantasies without needing to act it out. You can also explore it in a safe and consensual way like yogacat suggested. You recognize that rape is wrong and (I hope) don’t intend to actually hurt anyone which suggests to me you are not an evil person.

[NoNameHere]

3 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

I wouldn’t call someone evil because of a fantasy. It’s what they do with it that matters I think. Many women have some extent of râpé fantasies without needing to act it out. You can also explore it in a safe and consensual way like yogacat suggested. You recognize that rape is wrong and (I hope) don’t intend to actually hurt anyone which suggests to me you are not an evil person.

You don't think it's a red flag that I'm able to get off on the idea of rape despite knowing how bad of a crime it is?

[ShySoul]

You aren't evil. There isn't anything mentally wrong with you. You have a kink and fetish, one that is probably more common then most men or women would like to admit. 

I believe you've posted on this before and I'll say the same thing I said then. There is a difference between thought and action. People have a lot of fantasies. They can let there imagination go wild and think of things that they would never actually do in real life. It doesn't even have to be sexual. That person who did us wrong or co-worker who said something bad about us? Maybe we wish harm to them or think about getting revenge. People think it all the time. But usually we don't act upon those desires. As long as you are not going out and raping women, then you aren't a bad person.

The fact that this bothers you enough to research why you have these thoughts and post about it, shows me you aren't a bad person. The bad people are the ones doing it or posting hateful and sexist comments on the dark corners of the internet. I doubt that is you.

58 minutes ago, NoNameHere said:

It's especially troubling for me because my fantasy directly goes against the ethics anf morals my family spent years trying to drill into my head, most of which were pretty much meant to lead me away from becoming an *** who's driven through life by selfish desires. 

That may very well be a good part of why you have these thoughts. My theory is that a person's sexual preferences are often contrary to how they live there everyday life. A person needs some outlet for all the anxiety and stress they build up. Many people find that outlet in sex. When they have sex, they use it as an escape from all the things they have to go through the rest of the time. They go out of themselves and be a different person, someone they can't normally be.

A person who feels like they need to control everything and constantly protect themselves, may have the urge to be submissive and give in to someone. A person who is always doing for others may wish to lay back and have someone please them. And a person who feels they have to constantly be unselfish, may have a need to indulge in something selfish.

Your morals are to be respectful and treat women with respect. And I am sure you do. But in your fantasy, you go the opposite as a way to release yourself from the stress and tensions of life. And that's okay.

[ShySoul]

1 minute ago, NoNameHere said:

You don't think it's a red flag that I'm able to get off on the idea of rape despite knowing how bad of a crime it is?

If it is done in a safe, consensual manner with someone it isn't a crime. It is roleplay.

[yogacat]

Of course it's alarming initially when we hear of these things but it's a fantasy. There is a difference. I have fantasies that I would never carry out in real life. You're not evil for having fantasies.

[NoNameHere]

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Your morals are to be respectful and treat women with respect. And I am sure you do. But in your fantasy, you go the opposite as a way to release yourself from the stress and tensions of life. And that's okay.

It doesn't feel okay. I'm turning to a fantasy where I'm literally robbing someone of their autonomy in the most intimate way possible and likely causing them significant psychological damage(Even though I keep physical damage in these fantasies to a minimum)to find relief from my own feelings of being trapped. That sounds like the type of emotional weakness that leads tons of people to become abusers. And even if that's not the case with me, the fact that I'm able to get satisfaction from that mental image makes me feel like I'm fundamentally inferior to people who don't. I don't know if that makes any sense with how it's worded, but that's the best way I can think to describe my thought process on the matter.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, NoNameHere said:

It doesn't feel okay. I'm turning to a fantasy where I'm literally robbing someone of their autonomy in the most intimate way possible and likely causing them significant psychological damage(Even though I keep physical damage in these fantasies to a minimum)to find relief from my own feelings of being trapped. That sounds like the type of emotional weakness that leads tons of people to become abusers. And even if that's not the case with me, the fact that I'm able to get satisfaction from that mental image makes me feel like I'm fundamentally inferior to people who don't. I don't know if that makes any sense with how it's worded, but that's the best way I can think to describe my thought process on the matter.

I think I understand what you're saying here^ and I credit you for having the self-awareness to recognize this is an issue for you outside the fantasy realm and as such has the potential to affect your real life relationships in a negative way. 

What have your real life relationships been like?  Was there ever a time or times specifically during sexual intimacy where you felt the urge to dominate and control her?  Or act out this fantasy in some form or fashion? 

But you held back because of what 'society' has taught you is wrong?  And/or your own internal moral code? 

You know yourself best. 

People can say it's just a fantasy but if it has this much impact on you such that you're creating threads and questioning whether or not you're evil, I wouldn't ignore it. 

Have you sought any sort of counseling to help you sort through your feelings about this?  

I don't want to alarm you but some of the most notorious serial rapists and killers have admitted to it starting out as a fantasy.  And over time, it escalated, albeit slowly.

NOT suggesting this is where you're heading, but again given this has become quite troubling for you (which it should be), it wouldn't hurt to speak with a professional about it.

Jmo, good luck..

[NoNameHere]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What have your real life relationships been like?  Was there ever a time or times specifically during sexual intimacy where you felt the urge to dominate and control her?  Or act out this fantasy in some form or fashion? 

But you held back because of what 'society' has taught you is wrong?  And/or your own internal moral code? 

Have you sought any sort of counseling to help you sort through your feelings about this?

I've never had any sexual or romantic relationships. My social skills are usually subpar at best and I've always been too afraid of getting rejected to try improving through trial and error like I've had many people suggest I do. 

 

No, I've never sought counseling for this. I'm still pretty dependant on my family and would most likely require their help finding a good therapist. And if I ask them for help, they'll want to know why. Most of the women in my family have a history of sexual abuse and I'd rather not risk them finding out about my fantasy. I wouldn't be totally surprised if this secret getting out ended with me being homeless. Even if it doesn't come to that, they'd never look at me the same way again.

[yogacat]

31 minutes ago, NoNameHere said:

My social skills are usually subpar at best and I've always been too afraid of getting rejected to try improving through trial and error like I've had many people suggest I do. 

That's why I commented earlier that your fantasizing about these women because you fear rejection. That maybe you want the power to be able to "have sex" with someone who doesn't want you and/or turned you down. (Easing Your Anxiety)

It's a common theme, wherein the fear of rejection becomes associated with sexual attractions (and behaviors), so the fantasies become a way of circumventing that fear. 

Like @rainbowsandroses suggested it wouldn't hurt to seek a professional for this. This is a very common fantasy that many men have and it doesn’t make you a monster. But it’s important to address why you have this fantasy and to figure out healthy ways to manage it.

[rainbowsandroses]

38 minutes ago, NoNameHere said:

I've never had any sexual or romantic relationships. My social skills are usually subpar at best and I've always been too afraid of getting rejected ...

 

38 minutes ago, NoNameHere said:

Most of the women in my family have a history of sexual abuse...

I don't have much time right now to elaborate but imo both comments above speak volumes as to why you may be having these thoughts and fantasies.

Feeling powerless with women in that they have the ability to hurt you by rejecting you; so much so you're fearful of ever giving dating or women a fair shot.  

These thoughts and fantasies may be your way of gaining that loss of power and control back. 

A possibility anyway.

Second quote, there's something happening in your family history or background since abuse is occurring or has occurred to all or most of the women.  Please don't dismiss that, I think it's relevant.

Apologies for all the questions but what was/is your parents marriage like?

It's a shame you're unable to seek therapy as I do believe it's necessary to unravel this and prevent it from possibly escalating. 

By the way, your first quote is exactly how Jeffrey Dahmer felt.  He was gay but had these same fantasies about men before it escalated. 

I watched his documentary by Ryan Murphy and it was excellent!  

I actually felt sorry for him at certain points (as did many others who watched it).

He lacked social skills and felt so awkward, fearful, anxious and obviously quite troubled to have done what he had done.  A truly sad individual.

Anyway this was longer than I intended and again I wish you the best of luck sorting this out. 

 

[NoNameHere]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Apologies for all the questions but what was/is your parents marriage like?

My parents didn't have the best marriage. They were fighting almost constantly and I've had them both openly tell me on more than one occasion that they only stayed together as long as they did because of me and my sister. They divorced when I was about thirteen or fourteen years old.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, NoNameHere said:

My parents didn't have the best marriage. They were fighting almost constantly and I've had them both openly tell me on more than one occasion that they only stayed together as long as they did because of me and my sister. They divorced when I was about thirteen or fourteen years old.

One last question, how was/is your relationship with your mom?  Growing up and today as an adult?

Did you ever feel rejected by her? 

[NoNameHere]

26 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

One last question, how was/is your relationship with your mom?  Growing up and today as an adult?

Did you ever feel rejected by her? 

My relationship with my mom was fine up until a few months ago. I actually got along better with her than I did with my dad. My sister's relationship with her was a different story though. I don't want to get into everything here, but I stopped talking to her after my grandmother(Mom's side)let something slip about my sister making "accusations" while we were texting one night. I asked my sister what she was talking about shortly thereafter and she said our grandma knew about her sexual abuse when she was little and did nothing about it. She accused every man that was in my grandma's house accept one of my uncles. The uncle in question was put into a mental hospital as a kid after plans he made to bomb his school were found in his room. Needless to say, I found it pretty suspicious that he was specifically singled out as not being an abuser. My grandma's response when I confronted her didn't help. She was...deflective.

 

Some time after that, my sister has a mental breakdown and my dad and stepmom have to help get her subdued and to a hospital. When they come back, they said she told them our mom knew about her being molested too. I started ignoring my mom's texts after hearing that because I didn't trust myself not to lose my *** and, within days, she sends my stepmom a message that basically translates to "*** this kid for even considering his sister wasn't lying". But after my sister gets discharged, she tells me she's trying to work things out with our mom. I...I really don't even know what to think right now.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, NoNameHere said:

My relationship with my mom was fine up until a few months ago. I actually got along better with her than I did with my dad. My sister's relationship with her was a different story though. I don't want to get into everything here, but I stopped talking to her after my grandmother(Mom's side)let something slip about my sister making "accusations" while we were texting one night. I asked my sister what she was talking about shortly thereafter and she said our grandma knew about her sexual abuse when she was little and did nothing about it. She accused every man that was in my grandma's house accept one of my uncles. The uncle in question was put into a mental hospital as a kid after plans he made to bomb his school were found in his room. Needless to say, I found it pretty suspicious that he was specifically singled out as not being an abuser. My grandma's response when I confronted her didn't help. She was...deflective.

 

Some time after that, my sister has a mental breakdown and my dad and stepmom have to help get her subdued and to a hospital. When they come back, they said she told them our mom knew about her being molested too. I started ignoring my mom's texts after hearing that because I didn't trust myself not to lose my *** and, within days, she sends my stepmom a message that basically translates to "*** this kid for even considering his sister wasn't lying". But after my sister gets discharged, she tells me she's trying to work things out with our mom. I...I really don't even know what to think right now.

Wow thank you for sharing and I'm sorry you experienced that, that's a lot to unravel!

I came from an unstable abusive home as well (my mom) so can relate.

Through therapy, I have since found forgiveness which released a lot of the pain.  I'm much more stable now and happier! 

Anyway I truly hope you can somehow find some peace and come to terms with your fantasies so you don't feel so emotionally burdened by them.

By the way, just from reading your posts, you do NOT sound evil, not even close! 

You sound like a good man to me and like I said earlier, quite self-aware. 

Hang in and hopefully others will respond

@ShySoulposts are always positive and inspiring in situations like this.. and @yogacat as well.

Everyone really, this forum can be a great support.

Again all the best. 😀