My friend didn't disclose a person in our friend group was a pedophile

[Glitch88]

To give some context, I only found out about this a few weeks ago, while the event happened in the spring.  Long story short, my friends and I had a night out, everything went well.  One couple that was there I was not familiar with, but knew they were friends of my friends, didn't think much of it. They wanted to see something in my house after the date so of course I invited the whole group in.  Everyone enjoyed the visit and we said our goodbyes.  Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I found out the male of that couple is a convicted pedophile/registered sex offender.  I was appalled as he was in my house when we all were saying our goodbyes, and I have a small child (thank goodness not left alone with anyone).  I went to discuss this with my friend, and I was told she knew the whole time.  She told me nothing before, during, or after the date.  I found out from another friend in the group, and I wanted to know if it was true.  It was true and the betrayal cuts so deep because it didn't affect just me, but my child's safety.  Needless to say, I have distanced myself, and cut ties with several of those friends.  I still am having a hard time as many of us work together, and there is a lot of drama surrounding this issue.  I had one coworker state that I was a bad mom for not doing my research of who I let in my house.  To me, wouldn't it be a moral duty to tell your friend that this person is a pedophile and you have a small child, maybe he shouldn't come in.  I was absolutely baffled that she was defending omitting that kind of information, that it is my fault for not being informed.  I come here to hear other people's views on this.  I have no question I did the right thing and said bye to those who didn't seem to care of a child's safety.  I would like insight of anyone who has been through something similar, and how did you get through it.  How did you cope of losing those "friends" you were close to.  How did you move on from mistrust of everyone after the feeling of betrayal?  I appreciate any responses and thank you in advance for reading my challenge that I am facing.

[mylolita]

Hello OP!

 

My question would be - if your friends know this terrible information about him, why on earth do they still hang around with him?! 
 

You are not in the wrong. Most people don’t think of these dark things and take people a they come, at face value. You weren’t going to leave this man alone with your children - a credit to you, as no stranger should be. This is probably a wake up call to be aware (as you are) and also to rightfully ditch your friends who seem to think keeping the company of a sex offender is an okay thing. I would question their morals and characters too.

 

Best stay clear of this whole group be find new friends. 
 

x

[yogacat]

I would not feel right about this, especially if you have small children.

You were not informed of the individual’s past, which could have been potentially dangerous for your family.

I'm all for 2nd chances and giving people a better chance at their rehabilitation, but when it comes down to my family's safety (since the offender was a predator), I would have taken a more cautious response.

Could your friend not have said anything because she didn't feel it was her place to disclose personal information about her friend? Sure.

Could she have disclosed the information to at least give you a heads up? Absolutely.

Her loyalty to you is questionable. It's an unfortunate predicament but people choose to befriend who they want to. 

It's not your responsibility to take precautions when you're not given the warning.

I think that you handled the situation appropriately by distancing yourself and cutting ties with those friends.

[Batya33]

Oh my goodness I'm so sorry this happened to you! I would not associate with that friend ever again unless she absolutely did not know you had a young child in the home.  I mean I wouldn't want any convicted sex offender in my personal space but at least then I could see the gray areas. Of course you can't know everyone's past let alone the pedophile part?

I mean I ask before my son goes somewhere -like to someone's house or away on vacation with a family -about certain safety and health related issues.    But if someone knows something that is not visible to the homeowner and potentially dangerous of course they should tell.  For example - what if the person tested positive for covid but is asymptomatic? Or has a concealed weapon on them? Or has been smoking pot and will come in with all the secondhand odors/smoke? No you should not have to ask about that sort of invisible stuff - that's your friend's total responsibility IMO assuming the friend knows.

I've been betrayed but not as egregiously as you -and we weren't good friends and had only met in person a few times.  I created as much distance as possible.  Fortunately she was kicked out as a moderator of a FB group I was in for similar reasons as she betrayed others much worse than me.  i feel for you that there is now this tension.  Again I am so sorry.  

[Cherylyn]

As a mother of sons,  I hadn't experienced what you're going through.  However,  I've always used my instincts.  Whenever a person is shady,  sneaky or doesn't ring true to me,  I have no qualms making them my permanent ex-friend. 

My thoughts?  Safety first.  Even if I wasn't a mother,  I do not wish to associate with those who've committed any type of criminal behavior towards children or anyone. 

I would even go so far as to say I don't interact with anyone whom I don't instinctively trust. 

Anytime a person deliberately conceals information from you,  it is a huge red flag.  😒  I've had several people in my life including local relatives,  extended relatives and local in-laws who've deliberately withheld information only for me to discover the ugly truth eventually.  I steer clear.  Follow your intuition because it's always correct.

[Glitch88]

10 hours ago, mylolita said:

Hello OP!

 

My question would be - if your friends know this terrible information about him, why on earth do they still hang around with him?! 
 

You are not in the wrong. Most people don’t think of these dark things and take people a they come, at face value. You weren’t going to leave this man alone with your children - a credit to you, as no stranger should be. This is probably a wake up call to be aware (as you are) and also to rightfully ditch your friends who seem to think keeping the company of a sex offender is an okay thing. I would question their morals and characters too.

 

Best stay clear of this whole group be find new friends. 
 

x

Thank you for the support in my decision and yes, this blind sided me with them even being around someone like that.  I always want to keep myself in check too, to make sure I have a healthy worry about these things.  It is crazy how much you would not guess someone would do such a thing, they are right under our nose.  Thank you for taking the time to reply, ♡

[Seraphim]

I am so sorry. I would jettison these people. They aren’t friends. They put your children in danger . 

[TeeDee]

Be thankful that you found out before anything happened.  

Distance yourself from everyone involved & move forward.