Spouse wants to quit his job

[rainbowsandroses]

My read on this is he never had a career so there's nothing to change.  

He's been floundering for years, hopping from one dissatisfied job to another with long periods (months) in between. 

This is what OP posted so my opinion is based on that.

Anyway if the OP's salary was enough to compensate and SHE was OK with  it, it's not for me to judge. 

But according to her initial post, she's not okay with it, she's quite not okay with it and concerned and I and some others are supporting her about that.  

Not trying to convince her that this is normal behavior by a 35 year old married man because for HER it's not okay.  

I wouldn't be okay with it either especially if we wanted children.  Or to buy a home etc. 

Re career change, I agree this can be very beneficial and it's done often.  My ex did and I fully supported him! 

Recently so have I !!  And I remained employed (although unhappy) until I was financially stable to fully pursue it without being financially strapped like the OP posted they would be. 

But again, the guy never had a career and he's floundering.  So that's not what this is about anyway from my read.

I advised to give a push, a nudge, as some people do need that to find their groove versus enabling them.

@tattoobunnie advised "tough love" which I also agree with.  Which my mom gave me while she was alive and although it came out all wrong at times (which I have forgiven her for), I am actually a better more responsible driven person because of it. 

JMO

 

 

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

advised "tough love" which I also agree with.  Which my mom gave me while she was alive and although it came out all wrong at times (which I have forgiven her for), I am actually a better more responsible driven person because of it. 

JMO

Isn't it something - not really "weird" -but "something" when it's only later we realize the tough love in hindsight was I guess real love? I totally get it with it coming out wrong.  I've had this very experience and it's quite an art/skill to give tough love and not have it come out wrong - for so many reasons -I've had that too where it came out right (and then also has to be right timing/environment etc).

OP - might be worth figuring out what sort of message might resonate -just to know you "tried".   I've had people in my life say so little -meaning so few words - but the impact -the tough love impact was strong as Rainbowsandroses has expressed above.

[MissCanuck]

On 10/14/2024 at 2:26 AM, jnr586 said:

We can float it financially but it would be a strain

Does he understand how the finances would change if yours is the only income? 

I would be concerned that he's okay letting you shoulder that, if the strain is enough to be noteworthy. 

 

[ShySoul]

On 10/13/2024 at 5:26 PM, jnr586 said:

I’m all for him quitting if he’s unhappy

We can float it financially but it would be a strain. I hate seeing him so unhappy

I do think our net happiness would increase for a while if he quit,

He will absolutely get another job 

It's a two step approach to the issue. First step, should he leave the job?

Given how unhappy he seems to be with the job, to tell him to say seems beyond tough love. It's beyond sucking it up and taking it for the team. It feels cruel and unloving. You should want your partner to be happy, and if something is making him unhappy, then it is not worth continuing.

And given jnr586's own words, he is will find another job in time, they can support themselves, and it would actually increase their happiness. So why not do what will make them both happier? And if she openly says she is "all for him quitting" then I support HER own comments.

On 10/13/2024 at 5:26 PM, jnr586 said:

I’m troubled that he has no concept of what he’d rather be doing. We went through this a few years ago when he quit a horrible job, took a few months off, and eventually this (previously) good job came along. 

 I don’t love the idea of him quitting with no plan. I’m a major planner. I’ve tried to spin it positively and have encouraged him to look into different jobs for months and nothing has happened. 

 but him not working for an undetermined period stresses me out considerably... with no idea what he wants to do, I don’t know when that’ll be. 

Second step, dealing with the aftermath.

This is where you communciate your concerns, on both side, and work together as a couple to figure out what will make both of you happy. You take what comes as it happens, and you ride through it together. 

Reality is, none of us knows what the job search will look like. I've been out of work for five months. I also found a new job within a week. Anything could happen. It could be a stressful period that drags on. Or it could bring two people closer together because they talk through things and take the time to find what is is that will leave both of them happier and more fulfilled, not just in work, but in life. 

An issue here is that you are a planner. I'm a planner as well. I like things to be certain and set. But there are things that are out of our control. You can't plan or control everything. And trying to do so while cause you more stress and worry, which is what will be unhealthy for you. 

Bottom line, it's not wrong to want to be happy. It's not bad to leave a place that you can't stand. And it's not wrong to take time to figure out what is right and pursue that. If you have to experience a setback, or several setbacks to figure it out, then that is what it takes. Life is more then bills, more then condo. If you have a roof over the head and food in your stomach (which you seem to be okay with both), then pursue what is ultimately fulfilling for your soul. 

And do so as a couple. What matters is what the two of you agree to together. 

I hope you both find what will make you happy. 

 

[ShySoul]

Also, in my experience tough love can be harmful and detrimental to a person's happiness. This would especially be true for people of a more sentimental nature. While some people may respond to it, for others it will create more issues and be worse.

Given that none of us here knows the guy, I'd be careful on how to approach him about this. 

jnr, you know him best. You know what will get through to him and how he would respond. So talk to him in a manner that is approriate for him, you, and your relationship.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/202301/how-tough-love-wormed-its-way-into-the-mainstream

[rainbowsandroses]

To clarify, I'm not advocating a push, a nudge, or tough love as some sort of "strategy" to get him to "shape up" or something.

I am advocating that OP speak up, assertively, about an issue that is very troubling to her!  And potentially harmful to their marital union.

There's a difference.

And to @ShySoul, with respect, as mentioned in another thread, for every website you link supporting your POV, there are others refuting it and supporting tough love when warranted and being assertive and speaking your voice when something troubles us or hurts us. 

Versus "making nice" and enabling which thus far hasn't resulted in anything positive for the OP.

He is still in the same place he was years ago (floundering) so I'd say it's actually working against her. 

[catfeeder]

On 10/13/2024 at 8:26 PM, jnr586 said:

He has a very good job that’s recently been making him miserable. He’s bounced from a few different jobs over the past several years

What things, specifically, are making him miserable about his job; can he identify these in a tangible way? Would these potentially be things he'd need to contend with in any other job?

You mention that you're not happy in your job, either. Why would he expect you to remain locked into yours while he quits his?

Might he be willing to stay in his until you can find a more suitable job that would make you feel happier? Might that make his change easier for you to handle?