Spouse wants to quit his job

[jnr586]

My (42) spouse (35) wants to quit his job. We are both quite unhappy in our respective jobs. Mine is well-paying and fairly senior. He has a very good job that’s recently been making him miserable. He’s bounced from a few different jobs over the past several years and this has by far been the one with the highest earning potential. His earnings contribute about 25% of our total income. 

I’m all for him quitting if he’s unhappy but I’m troubled that he has no concept of what he’d rather be doing. We went through this a few years ago when he quit a horrible job, took a few months off, and eventually this (previously) good job came along. 

We can float it financially but it would be a strain. I hate seeing him so unhappy but I don’t love the idea of him quitting with no plan. I’m a major planner. I’ve tried to spin it positively and have encouraged him to look into different jobs for months and nothing has happened. 

How can I be more supportive? I do think our net happiness would increase for a while if he quit, but him not working for an undetermined period stresses me out considerably. He will absolutely get another job, but with no idea what he wants to do, I don’t know when that’ll be. 

We don’t have children and have become much more financially stable with two strong incomes. I worry that we’ll undo a lot of the progress we have made over the last few years. 
 

[ShySoul]

My best friend stayed at a job that made her stressed and unhappy. Because the hours varied, there wasn't a good eating schedule and she often stayed up late and lost sleep. She was let go in a very uncomfortable manner. Within a year she ended up in a hospital and needed surgery due to heath issues. All the stress from that job and her situation built up until it was too late to prevent something serious and costly.

No job is worth all of that. Even if it is a strain financially, it could actually be saving you money in the long term as the benefits to your health -physical and emotional- are enormous.

Also keep in mind that changing jobs every few years is common and can actually be better for you. If you can work it to an upward trejectory, that can end be beneficial to your earnings.

I think he needs to figure out what he really wants to do. What is his passion? Where does he see himself in five years? How much of the unhappiness is within your control versus how much isn't? Even if you have a great job, a new person can come in and change it all in a moment. The best thing for him is to figure out what will make him happy long term, and do what he can do get that. The best thing for you to do is just talk to him about it and let him know you are there for him. 

Also, do you have things outside the job to make you feel better? Is there a hobby you can do? Maybe volunteering for something that makes you feel good. Work puts us all under stress. But having that thing away from the job that we can look forward to has a way of making situations more tolerable.

[shouldhavelearned]

He can look now and get something else allowing him to quit the one he has.

Find something working from home? Passive income? Reselling 

 

[Cherylyn]

I'll chime in by saying he shouldn't quit his job until he secures a second job.  After that,  then quit his current job.  This way he won't be in limbo and won't put a financial strain on your household.  No sense you carrying the load for both of you.  Be pragmatic. 

[Batya33]

54 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I'll chime in by saying he shouldn't quit his job until he secures a second job.  After that,  then quit his current job.  This way he won't be in limbo and won't put a financial strain on your household.  No sense you carrying the load for both of you.  Be pragmatic. 

This.  Also what conversations did you have last time this happened as far as quitting without another job? Also since he doesn't know what he wants to do is he willing to do side hustles to make up for the financial strain? Unless he is being harassed and he has real strains on his health - practical is the top priority - he can't act like he's single and just quit without a job -especially without having a plan. You get a  say.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

I'll chime in by saying he shouldn't quit his job until he secures a second job. 

^^I completely agree! 

I mean if he were single and wants to risk living like a pauper and/or off others, that's fine.

However he's married, he has responsibilities; his current income is only 25% of your total household bills as it is. 

If he quits his job without another it will be zero, leaving it all on you.

I think that's irresponsible, unfair and selfish, just my personal opinion.

I don't know the exact percentage but a very large percentage of people are unhappy in their jobs.  That's nothing new.

Yes it's stressful, we forfeit sleep, we often don't eat right etc. 

I myself experienced extreme stress and anxiety for years when employed but I stayed at my last job nine years because I am a responsibile human being who prefers to carry my own weight in the world.  I'm not perfect, but I'm at least responsible.

When you're married, that the least you should expect!

I am now working for myself and love it!   I keep my own hours, work hard but also have lots of free time too.  I am sleeping better, eating better and generally feel better!

This may be something that's suited to him as well, and you can certainly support him!  And should! 

However, I caution you to not mother him or counsel him because you risk the marital dynamic becoming more like a parent/child versus a husband/wife dynamic.  If it's not already. 

As a responsible 35 year old married man who places value on his own contributions to the marriage and to you (or should be), he should be figuring this out for himself.

17 hours ago, jnr586 said:

We went through this a few years ago when he quit a horrible job, took a few months off...

What was he doing during these few months of unemployment?

Was he making effort to send out resumes, arrange interviews and secure another job? 

Was he volunteering, doing side jobs, making himself productive?

Or lounging around playing video games all day? 

I don't want to assume so will reserve further response until you answer. 

[Batya33]

I think all job decisions in a marriage have to be a team approach (or marriage-equivalent relationship).  Whether it's switching jobs, quitting, working less/working more - and obviously -relocating for a job or a job that requires more travel etc.  Like I wrote -if he wants to temp or do several part time gigs while he looks into his next big thing -fine as long as he's approximating income of 25% OR as a couple you might decide you're good with 20% or whatever.

And finding a job can be a job in itself so all the more reason to keep this job - he can work on his resume/go on interviews in his non-working time -or -as I did -I bet many did - arrange an interview for a lunch hour, leave a little early for a "medical appointment" etc and now with virtual interviews much easier.

I like Rainbow Roses stuck it out at bad jobs/ toxic jobs and the rest -we all have our limits -I get it- but to me unhappy and toxic didn't mean I'd quit without a job - (particularly since toxic is kind of broad these days).

Also employers are much more interested in candidates who are presently working -at least that's how it was when I was younger. I looked without a job for the first time in forever when I went back after 7 years as a SAHM and I explained the gap in a cover letter.  But I was uncomfortable with the gap!

[ShySoul]

While it is preferable and ideal to have a second job lined up before you leave the current one, does that actually work in your situation? Is the job one that requires him to constantly be available or work long hours, thus making potential job searches difficult or more stressful? Would it be something he can handle or would adding what amounts to a second job be too much for him? 

You actually said you are both unhappy with your jobs. Why? Is it the company as a whole? A particular boss or person? Is the work something that you don't like and would prefer to go into another field? Is it more about the two of you not be sure about what you want?

To know how to best handle it, you have to know what the real problem is and why. Have you taken the time to figure that out and talk about it with each other? If so, could we know? We might be able to give better help if we can know where the real issues lie.

If he is completely miserable, staying is unhealthy physically and emotionally for him. That will cause long term affects. That will still cause you stress as you will have to witness his depression. There is also the risk that it will spill over into your relationship. Mental health is not something that should wait until it is financially convenient. It's something that should be addressed as soon as possible. If his unhappiness is showing signs of wearing on him, I'd look into how to deal with it now, rather or not he quits the job.

Given that you make more, I think his issues should be addressed first so that you can cover things will he finds what will make him happy.

But I also think you should look at your position and think about if it is what will fulfill you. You shouldn't have to be at a place that is make you unhappy. 

There is more to life then finance. Money may cover the expenses so we can live, but if we spend that life unhappy and depressed, was all that money really worth it? If you can find a way to get by on less while doing something that will really make you happy, that will be worth it in the long run.

[MissCanuck]

On 10/14/2024 at 2:26 AM, jnr586 said:

How can I be more supportive?

Why do you need to be supportive of undetermined unemployment? 

You say you understand the reasons he wants to leave, which is fine. But has he shown much understanding of the financial strain this would put on you? Why is it all about you accommodating him? 

At some point, one needs to be more responsible. Now is the time for him to do just that. 

[ShySoul]

You are not being supportive of undetermined unemployment.

You are being supportive of a human being with thoughts, feelings, and emotions. You are being supportive of the husband who you love and want to be happy. You are being supportive of the person you person you pledged loyalty to "for richer or poorer." 

Part of being responsible is knowing how to care for our own well being. If a job is going to damage our psyche and well being, then it is irresponsible to ourselves and those who care about us to knowingly live a life we hate everyday.

Any time one looks for work it is undetermined. There is no telling what jobs will be available, which will meet our skills, how the fit or interview will come, who else is interviewed, how a company reaches a decision, etc. Job searches have a lot of random chance involved. As long as he is making the effort, then it will take how long it needs to take. And if he is making the effort, then that is being responsible.

I have stayed at a job that made me unhappy far longer then I should have because I didn't want to put a financial burden on someone. It hurt my health and it still placed a burden on them as they had to see me be unhappy everyday. I have seen people hurt there health by staying at a job the didn't like. It's not worth it. Especially when you can make ends meet and when the person has demonstrated the ability to find other jobs.

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

As a responsible 35 year old married man who places value on his own contributions to the marriage and to you (or should be), he should be figuring this out for himself.

Yes, this. 

OP, have you previously found yourself in a parent-child dynamic with him? 

[rainbowsandroses]

59 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Part of being responsible is knowing how to care for our own well being.

Agree and applies to the OP as well.  Or did you not consider that? 

Did you miss this? 

On 10/13/2024 at 5:26 PM, jnr586 said:

He’s bounced from a few different jobs over the past several years and this has by far been the one with the highest earning potential. His earnings contribute about 25% of our total income. 

I’m all for him quitting if he’s unhappy but I’m troubled that he has no concept of what he’d rather be doing. We went through this a few years ago when he quit a horrible job, took a few months off, and eventually this (previously) good job came along. 

We can float it financially but it would be a strain.

This isn't about this one job he's unhappy at.  It's been a pattern for YEARS.

And it's not just about him, he has a wife, HER well bring including feeling safe financially and emotionally is just as important.

I asked her what he did during the few months after he quit his previous job and she hasn't responded.

However given the tone of her posts and how troubled she is by yet another job he's quitting without securing another, my sense is he didn't do much to secure new employment until it became necessary and prefers not working. 

As stated previously many many of us have stressful jobs and stress lives but as mature responsibile adults, we learn to manage our stress and mental well being while still working and contributing to our own selves and/or the marriage, if married which HE is.

We make effort to eat the right foods, exercise, get plenty of rest, many companies have their own mental health services available to employees. 

There is no excuse imo for this pattern he's developed of quitting jobs before finding another because he's unhappy or feels stress. 

Especially when there are services available to him to help him manage stress and another person to consider.  His WIFE!

He's 35 years old for goodness sake, not some kid. 

If you don't agree, so be and I'll leave it there. 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

46 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This isn't about this one job he's unhappy at.  It's been a pattern for YEARS.

Yes, and I too would be very concerned if I were her. 

It is one thing to support a partner going through a difficult time. It is another to enable a pattern that is damaging to the relationship. 

[Coily]

While normally, I lean towards him having a job lined up; there are circumstances where cutting an running can make more sense.

My thinking is this:

1. He should have a job lined up and then move on
2. If he's under a lot of stress, he should make a plan and steps to execute it before he quits
3. Alternate source of income to not be as deterimental while he looks to establish himself elsewhere

 

19 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

As a responsible 35 year old married man who places value on his own contributions to the marriage and to you (or should be), he should be figuring this out for himself.

He's not in a vacuum, it seems that he is looking to do this with respect to his wife. Otherwise he would have probably just quit without any deference to his wife.

[yogacat]

On 10/13/2024 at 5:26 PM, jnr586 said:

How can I be more supportive? I do think our net happiness would increase for a while if he quit, but him not working for an undetermined period stresses me out considerably. He will absolutely get another job, but with no idea what he wants to do, I don’t know when that’ll be. 

Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for our happiness - truly - and I do get that. 

Is there a way you can be more supportive here?

You can be more supportive by listening to your spouse and trying to understand his feelings and reasons for wanting to quit. Let him know that you support him and his decision, but also express your concerns about the financial strain it may cause. Maybe he can work part-time or take a few months off to recharge and explore his options. Maybe it means cutting back on expenses so that your husband can have some breathing room to figure out what he wants to do next.

Perhaps it's time for him to take a break and really think about what he wants in his career. It's hard to do that when you are in the thick of things, working full-time. He may come up with a new passion or interest during this time that he can pursue.

If you're making more than him I am sure he feels pressure to make more or contribute more. Women take breaks all the time to take care of their kids and no one bats an eye, albeit, I'd argue that raising children is just intensive a job as a paid job except there is no salary or simple 1-year evaluation.

Your finances are a team effort and that you want him to be happy and fulfilled in his career, even if it means taking some time off to figure things out. People who are happier and fulfilled in their work tend to do better in their careers and make more money in the long run.

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, and I too would be very concerned if I were her. 

It is one thing to support a partner going through a difficult time. It is another to enable a pattern that is damaging to the relationship. 

This^.

In my own life, a long term ex and I were living together and living very well,  I had my job and he was VP of a major fininancial corporation earning $200k per year plus bonuses. 

However he became extremely stressed and unhappy and wanted to quit and start his own business.  

That would mean us moving out of the luxury condo we were renting at the time and cutting back in a major way for probably a few years!

I fully supported him making this change although I knew it would be a struggle financially but I supported him, encouraged him!

Why?  Because he had a purpose, a goal.  

And it was a struggle financially but it was OK because again he had a purpose/goal, and he was also much happier. 

After a couple of years, his new business began thriving and he ended up more successful than he'd been at the $200K corporate job!

I agree with @MissCanuck, and don't recommend supporting a pattern of laziness (imo) with no drive, motivation, purpose or goal like OP described.  

I am pretty lenient and permissive about most things, some believe overly so, but not about. this. 

Unless there is a mental disability of some sort and if so he should be under a doctor's care, I desire a partner to at least pull as much weight as I am otherwise resentment can set in which sounds like it has already for the OP by the tone of her posts. 

JMO and hope OP is okay and working this out since she hasn't returned.

@jnr30024if you're still reading, let us know how you're doing and again hope you're ok.

 

 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That would mean us moving out of the luxury condo we were renting at the time and cutting back in a major way for probably a few years!

So, what's wrong with that?

OP's husband may not know what his purpose is right now and is trying to figure that out. That doesn't necessarily mean he's lazy, unmotivated, or dealing with an underlying mental health issue. Wanting to try to be happy and fulfilled is not a mental health issue.

Perhaps, his job has just taken over his life and he's burned out. I'm just throwing out possibilities.

Remember, we only have a small glimpse of a much larger situation.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

OP's husband may not know what his purpose is right now and is trying to figure that out.

^^I didn't read it that way yoga.

On 10/13/2024 at 5:26 PM, jnr586 said:

I’m all for him quitting if he’s unhappy but I’m troubled that he has no concept of what he’d rather be doing.

It doesn't appear (to me) he's trying to figure anything out, again this has been his pattern for years.  

Which to me speaks volumes about his motivation and drive in finding a purpose and being successful whatever that means to him. 

He is 35 not some kid just out of college.

To me, based on the OP's posts, he just doesn't seem to care.  Just my read on it. 

If @jnr586 would like to return with more context, I'm open to reconsidering my opinion about that.

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Perhaps, his job has just taken over his life and he's burned out. I'm just throwing out possibilities.

^I agree with this possibility. 

Many people get burned out by jobs including myself and also agree with what @ShySoulposted earlier.

On 10/13/2024 at 6:33 PM, ShySoul said:

Also keep in mind that changing jobs every few years is common and can actually be better for you. If you can work it to an upward trejectory, that can end be beneficial to your earnings.

Absolutely.  However they typically don't just quit when the going gets tough, they make effort to find another before quitting. 

In the meantime they take advantage of the mental health services available to them.  Whether through their employer or on their own if they're that stressed. 

I can say from experience that employers do not look favorably on people who have a pattern of arbitrarily quitting jobs and gaps in their resume even if only a few months.  

This is not beneficial imo and experience.

Unless there's a good valid reason like caretaking for a family member as you're doing yoga.  OR their own serious illness.

To clarify I am not against him leaving his job if he's stressed and unhappy.

I just think it's a bit reckless to do so without securing another position, that's all. 

Especially again when there are services available to help him cope in the meantest.

Once he secures the new job, he can always negotiate a start date a couple of weeks after he departs his current job allowing him time to unwind and de-stress. 

Most employers are pretty agreeable to that without even providing a reason.

Anyway, to quit willy nilly is just not healthy for the marriage or his own financial future if he's single for reasons stated. 

JMO.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It doesn't appear (to me) he's trying to figure anything out, again this has been his pattern for years.  

I'm getting the same impression. 

I think OP has already been quite understanding, compassionate and flexible if this has happened a few times before. Now it's happening again and she has stated herself that this will eventually bring considerable strain to the finances and the relationship. 

In my view, it is unhealthy for her to just keep going along with this without making her concerns clear to him about his employment track record and how that will affect her (and them as a unit) 

[rainbowsandroses]

@jnr586one more thing to add if you're still reading. 

This is just my opinion and my sense from reading your posts and how frustrated and concerned you appear to be.  

So okay to take with a grain of salt but wanted to say it anyway as something to consider.

And to tell you I understand.

Anyway....

It's OK to speak up and voice your concern even if it doesn't always sound kind or supportive.  I mean don't be cruel or overly aggressive but it's okay to be assertive. 

Sometimes people need a push to begin feeling motivated and inspired to improve their lot in life. 

In my life, I see so many people (both women and men) afraid to speak up, afraid to 'rock the boat'. 

They believe (mistakenly imo) that if they're not always kind, understanding and supportive even when what they're supportive of is or could be detrimental and hurtful, their partner will leave or stop loving them and/or they will be viewed in an unfavorable light. 

Would it surprise you if I told you especially with men, it's the exact opposite?

My own boyfriends, ex-husband and other men have admitted to me they appreciate a partner who is able to assertively speak her voice!

In their eyes and for many women too, there is nothing worse than a "doormat" who goes along with everything, never challenges them about anything, who disregards her own needs for his, who places his well being above hers. 

Why?   There is nothing inspiring him and not just re employment but re HER, his feelings for her and their relationship or marriage in general. 

They're in a sort of 'emotional rut.'  He (or she) goes through the motions; in your husband's case, jumping from one job to another, with no motivation, drive or purpose.  Nothing inspiring him to dig out from under this rut. 

Frankly there may possibly even be some depression happening.  I wouldn't rule that out.  Some individual counseling may be of some benefit to him. 

Marriage and relationships are NOT always so polite and "nice" and it's OK to not always be so polite and "nice." 

Again never be cruel but don't be afraid to rock the boat once in awhile, when warranted. 

I've learned this is my own relationships and also from my relatively new therapist.  

That's reality.  Versus this Disney fairytale some people seem to be living in who believe love conquers all and all you need to do is be "kind, understanding and supportive" even when it's destructive or harmful, and you'll both go riding into the sunset together. 

That is how people end up in toxic relationships that hurt them and have the capability of destroying them, ultimately.  I've seen it happen too many times to ignore it. 

NOT saying that's what's happening here but do speak up and voice your concern. 

That's honest.  That's being real. 

As my late mom used to say "the good lord did not place us on this earth to be martyrs."

I have never forgotten that. 

Jmo, good luck!  

 

 

[TeeDee]

Ask him how you can help him find a new job while he still has this one.  Emphasize how much easier it is to get a job while he has a job.  

Plan some time where you go over his resume together to polish it.  

Help him brainstorm about what he wants to do instead of what he is doing.  Also discuss potential household cuts that will have to be made to accommodate his job change.