Having doubts about my LDR but he's amazing... What is wrong with me!?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone! If any of you have any words of wisdom for long distance relationships, or want to help me with some guidance on how to navigate the situation, it’d be much would be appreciated! It’s been a long long time since I’ve written on here.. the last couple times I wrote here I felt like I was being judged rather than giving guidance so please bear with me.

 

My bf and I are both 29 years old, turning 30 this year. I live in a very urbanized city, he does not. My career/jobs have always been tied to sn urbanized city where I’ve felt my industry thrives too so I currently have lived in the city for four years and I have had luck having boyfriends, but have never been able to really trust men here near me in terms of loyalty. Fast forward: My now boyfriend is someone that I knew from high school so after 12 years of not speaking, we reconnected sometime this month last year (he slid into my DMs on instagram) and we’ve been inseparable ever since, chatting all the time and now official for four months.

 

There are so many things that I love about our relationship. He makes me feel like a kid again. Brings out my inner child with his goofiness, playfulness but most importantly he has a really pure heart and has been one of the most generous guys I’ve ever dated. He loves me and I am literally his world. In the past I’ve been burned so badly and right before him and I started speaking, I did try to do long distance with two other young gentleman but got burned so bad that I decided to swear off long-distance for a really long time and never do it again and then low and behold my now boyfriend and I are together. Ironically.

 

I tried to be really intentional going into this relationship and only wanted to date him unless he was different from the rest of my dating patterns, which he is.

 

So, in the past, I’ve dated really successful men. They’ve all been incredibly intelligent. They’re usually even more successful and more disciplined than me because I’ve always found it attractive to be with someone that I really admire. Because my boyfriend is not this way, I feel like I’ve been mothering him too much. He plays video games in his spare time, He’s not a very ambitious person while he does work hard in his job he allows people to step over him and he’s kind of a push over. He doesn’t read and doesn’t work out and I’ve had to teach him a lot about self improvement and while he’s been super open and receptive to everything that I’ve ever said to him and he tries. I sometimes feel like it’s not enough.

 

Something that I think has been a secret to his sauce in being so humble and why he treats me SO well is due to the fact he he isn’t successful yet, and had not many prior motivations to do anything with his life before me. He told me once he struggles to feel like he deserves better out of his own life, and obviously a culmination of all of these things plus the distance have been affecting me most recently. As we hit our fourth month together officially. We have the same values we align politically there’s really nothing wrong with our connection. The intimacy is incredible but again I feel like he’s a person that I’ve met that amongst all the greatest qualities and things I don’t know if it’s enough for me personally.

 

I don’t ever want to make him feel like what he’s doing is wrong, but sometimes I hear him complain a lot about things that he has full control over and again I feel like a mother rather than a girlfriend, telling him all the time and reminding him all the time to apply to other jobs and always see what’s out there for himself I’m always the one to initiate workouts. I’m also always the one to initiate eating healthy and I pretty much made him quit smoking weed and have influenced him very organically and not drinking as much since his friends do. Which brings me to another point I feel like his friends are mostly bombs or alcoholics and not great influences on his life they’re not people that I would personally seek out to spend my time with, and the culture of his town bores me since I prefer to be in the city.

 

Fast forward I recently got a job that requires a lot of my time and attention and so with the less time that I’ve had to chat with him what I used to work remote it’s definitely affected my time in speaking to him and having enough time to dedicate to face timing him as well and that his hit me extremely hard and I knew since the beginning and before starting that job that it would affect me and we’ve had multiple conversations of me crying on the phone telling him that I feel really frustrated with my schedule and I don’t have enough time for myself.

 

Not that I think this is a key factor, but when I worked remotely, I was alone, and I did not go out as often, as I am, obviously now physically out and about and out in the wild for my current job, which allows me and has allowed me to meet multiple men obviously within the first two weeks of my job I got asked out by many people, but none of them are people that I would date, and I’m interested in, however, it did impact me in a way where I felt like all along maybe because I was working remote I had limited myself and given up for myself, and my hopes of finding love in my current city so quickly that I feel like looking back in retrospect I didn’t allow myself the time to heal from the previous people that had burned me, and rather given up, and then resorted to some thing that I was comfortable with a.k.a. someone from my past.

 

I’m in a bit of a pickle because we were about to break up as of two weeks ago, and then we decided that we really needed to see each other at the end of the month maybe spend some time together to recoup our feelings and our connection for one another so he bought me a ticket to go see him however, someone that I’ve always been interested in, has appeared in my life, and I take it as no coincidence that they did because they are the complete opposite of my boyfriend but also, they are very interested in a relationship with me while this man knows that I am in a relationship. He’s been very respectful and has backed off, but I can’t help but think I made a mistake and never giving him a chance now seeing the contrast of who my boyfriend is and who this other man is as well which has kind of been is affecting my thought process in what my wants and needs are in a man. Thinking about other men while in a relationship is unlike my character and is very out of pocket for me, which has made me feel even worse. 

 

I love him, but I’ve been crying all this morning figuring out what it is that makes me happy, we want the same things like wanting to create a family, get married invest in a house etc etc but he’s always seen himself invest in Texas, and I didnt see that for myself. I’ve tried to be open so many times but I fear that If I move to him I’d be bored out of my mind. And that I wouldn’t feel happy. I’ve moved over 5 times in my adulthood, and to do it again for a man would not be in my plans. I don’t want to break him heart, but I don’t want to waste our time and I feel he says he’ll change and say’s a lot to make me happy in the moment but something energetically tells me he’s just waiting for me to give in and move with him. I feel like I've been ***ing over nothing. Help. AND please- be nice in the comments. thankyou. 

[SophiaG]

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

maybe because I was working remote I had limited myself and given up for myself, and my hopes of finding love in my current city so quickly that I feel like looking back in retrospect I didn’t allow myself the time to heal from the previous people that had burned me, and rather given up, and then resorted to some thing that I was comfortable with a.k.a. someone from my past.

Sorry you're hurting. This could very well be the truth and you are well aware that long distance doesn't work with your schedule and he's not someone that you're inherently attracted to if he didn't treat you SO well - which could have been motivated by his own insecurities and low self-esteem more than by love.

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

He plays video games in his spare time, He’s not a very ambitious person while he does work hard in his job he allows people to step over him and he’s kind of a push over. He doesn’t read and doesn’t work out and I’ve had to teach him a lot about self improvement and while he’s been super open and receptive to everything that I’ve ever said to him and he tries.

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

sometimes I hear him complain a lot about things that he has full control over

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I feel like his friends are mostly bombs or alcoholics and not great influences on his life they’re not people that I would personally seek out to spend my time with, and the culture of his town bores me since I prefer to be in the city.

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

he’s always seen himself invest in Texas, and I didnt see that for myself.

These are glowing signs of major incompatibilities IMO. You don't really admire or (I don't mean this in a judgmental way, I'd feel the same if I were you) respect him as a person. Most of his good qualities you can think of are about how sweet and loving he is to you - of course he is - if he doesn't have at least that would you ever date him? You said in your post multiple times you don't know if it's enough, or you feel as though it's not enough. When you have those thoughts it's quite clear to me as a bystander that it is not enough to you. You feel more like a mother than a girlfriend to him. That is an awful way to feel about your boyfriend. You are too young to be settling with someone whose ambition, values, lifestyle, etc. are so misaligned with yours. These incompatibilities will not disappear when you see each other in person or connect over intimacy. Now that you are working out of home and meeting new people, you are seeing greater potential for your life and the comfortable yet not quite enough coziness between you and him will become less and less satisfactory. Time to rip off the band-aid.

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

someone that I’ve always been interested in, has appeared in my life, and I take it as no coincidence that they did because they are the complete opposite of my boyfriend but also, they are very interested in a relationship with me while this man knows that I am in a relationship.

Why didn't you date this person before? I would be cautious if he wasn't interested previously but suddenly wants to be your boyfriend knowing that you are in a relationship. But if I'm wrong and the circumstances have changed, go ahead and explore things with him after you've properly ended your current relationship. Good luck!

[Batya33]

I echo what SophiaG wrote - I mean all of it - and - FWIW I only dated very ambitious highly educated and intelligent men with a strong work ethic and successful and financially stable (no -wealthy was not my goal at all so if it was success for example in the nonprofit world or academia -totally fine) - I was able to offer all these things and yes I was and am a city girl. I'm 58 now and I didn't settle -married at 42 and the second time around we dated we were long distance for about half of our 3 year relationship before marriage.  I relocated for him but to another major city.  I admire and respect and love him.  Can't imagine being with someone I felt I had to mother other than when he has a Man Cold.  😉 

These men also were compassionate, kind, caring, thoughtful etc - I never bought into the sort of Wall Street movie protoype of all corporate guys being cold hearted whatever - I was a corporate type for 15 years and I wasn't like that not by a long shot nor did I date any cold hearted men.  

I add that I did try to date men like your guy and it was good for short term only if that.  Even if they treated me well and had future dreams.  I needed much more concrete - and presently ambitious, presently intelligent, presently educated.  Especially once I was in my late 20s and beyond.  Early 20s and before that -for sure many of us were in school, planning on grad school, finishing college a bit later whatever- but you still knew the core values and the actions of reaching those goals were obvious -not the goals of video games as a steady diet. 

[shouldhavelearned]

What's keeping him from joining you where you live?

 

[ShySoul]

You remind me of a similar sitution I was in. 

It was long distance and we didn't get to see each other in person often. She had been burned badly in the past. She was used to a certain type of guy, more outgoing and more together then I currently was at that point in time. It wasn't that I was undisciplined or unsuccesful as much as I was just getting out of college and still getting my feet wet. I wasn't the typical person she would be into. 

What she was into about me was many of the things you are interested in your boyfriend for. She saw a pure heart that was there for her, even when, by her own admission, she didn't make things easy on me or treat me as well as she should. She appreciated my generousity and the way I volunteered or helped people out. She enjoyed by silly humor and how we had fun. It was my first real chance at something, so she was my world and that flattered her. But I also think she felt like she had to a mother, even when she didn't and it was mostly coming from her feelings and insecurities.

While we getting close, an old bofriend of hers reentered her life. He made clear that he wanted to get back together. And she still had feelings for him. She was unsure of how she felt about me and unsure what to do. This guy was very much the opposite of me.

Ultimately she saw that pursuing him and the thing that she was used to had never worked out for her. It had actually hurt her many times. She made the choice to not go back to that. Instead she took a chance on something different and saw that if she felt something for me, there was a reason, no matter what she was used to or what the supposedly logical thing was.

5 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

He plays video games in his spare time, He’s not a very ambitious person while he does work hard in his job he allows people to step over him and he’s kind of a push over. He doesn’t read and doesn’t work out and I’ve had to teach him a lot about self improvement and while he’s been super open and receptive to everything that I’ve ever said to him and he tries. I sometimes feel like it’s not enough.

People are all different. None of these things are anything terrible. Many highly successful, productive people enjoy video games. Not everyone in life needs to be an ambitious type A personality. Plenty of couples get along just fine with one of them being content to live and enjoy a simpler, less hassle free live. Plenty of people don't find reading to be their thing. I don't work out, yet I am still in good health. I do agree the taking weed and poor choice in friends is concerning. But I don't think it is disqualifying, especially if he has made the effort to improve himself.

When you love someone, it's not about comparing them to a list. It's not about seeing if they check off a bunch of boxes. It's not about trying to change them or get them to fit your idea of who they should be. It is about taking them for who they are and accepting them, good and bad. No one will ever fit our ideal description. No one will ever be perfect. So trying to analylize and dissect them isn't going to work. It's likely to lead you to find faults and give up on something that may actually have been just fine. It can lead to perfect being the enemy of the good.

Don't compare him to what you wish he was. Don't compare him to someone else. That does a disservice to him and to the unique relationship you have. Take him for the person he is. Appreciate his strengths and the things you do love about him. 

5 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

feel like a mother rather than a girlfriend, telling him all the time and reminding him all the time

I say this as respectfully as possible, but maybe there is a third option here? It seems that the thought is either continue as is and feel like a parent, or break up with him. Maybe you could try not mothering him and trying to direct where he goes in his life? That is not to blame you, that is trying to relieve you of the stress you seem to be feeling. Make clear to him the things that you want in a relationship, things that you believe adults take care of. Then let him be the adult. See what he does. Let him demonstrate himself to you. If a person is always being reminded to do this and that, they can become reliant on the reminders. They know you will push them at some point. But if he is given more the opportunity to stand on his own, he may be able to fly.

[Tinydance]

I'm trying not to sound judgemental but there are a lot of posts here about women who have a boyfriend they basically consider a "loser" and they are mothering him. But they are mothering him by choice. And many women will make comments like: "I'm helping him be a better person". The problem is that what a good or appealing person is can actually be subjective. What many people do is they find a person they don't have much in common with and they try to change them to match what they want. But it's not fair to do that because you shouldn't be trying to change people.

By the way, I'm actually not into video games. I've played them very occasionally but I'm not a gamer by any means. But I've dated a lot of what you call "nerd" gamer guys. To be honest they were mostly all your typical kind of sci-fi loving, gamers, mostly working in software looll But they did have a different personality in my defence lol

So the way I see it. As an adult, we do something "productive" like study or work at our job. And then we get our free time. And usually in that free time we'll pursue our hobbies and interests. And unless they're illegal or hurt people, in my opinion there aren't any "good" or "bad" interests. There are people who spend their free time baking, going to the gym, doing art classes, walking their dog, going to church, gaming, etc., etc, etc. You obviously don't like video games and don't think of video games as a worthy pass time. But your boyfriend does. We just had a huge video games and board games convention here in my city that many thousands of people attended. These people LOVE video games, they come to the con in their favourite character cosplay. They nerd out together and they have an amazing time!

Also it's OK to want an ambitious guy but maybe your boyfriend isn't ambitious in the sense you want him to be. People tend to think of ambition as something like getting a Masters degree and working as a lawyer or doctor. But there are people who enjoy doing something else, like working as a gardener, taking care of animals, working as a chef, and so on. And thing is that in our society we actually need all the jobs that people are doing. Like, if you're going away and need to put your dog in kennels, we need staff there. If you're walking in a nice park, you need a gardener to look after it. We don't have people in our society who are only a doctor or lawyer. If we didn't have all the other professions then our society couldn't function.

You don't have to be with someone who doesn't match what you want. But yes I'm going to pull you up on the fact that you're trying to change and mould your boyfriend to something YOU want. But he's not that. Unless he's addicted to video games, he's allowed to do what he enjoys in his own free time. And if you do decide to be with someone, anyone, you have to accept them as they are and accept their hobbies and interests as part of them. You can't just pick and choose to your own tastes how they can and can't act. Like: "You're super sweet but don't play video games".

[ShySoul]

11 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

And if you do decide to be with someone, anyone, you have to accept them as they are and accept their hobbies and interests as part of them. You can't just pick and choose to your own tastes how they can and can't act.

As long as it's not illegal, immoral, or dangerous, everyone should have the right to be and do as they want. If you care for them, it means taking them as they are and accepting ALL parts of them. 

I've also seen it where people try to change others into what they think they want, only for them to lose the thing that really connected them in the first place. 

You fell for this person for the person that he is. That includes many of the things you now are having an issue with. Maybe some of his charm is in the very things you are unsure of? Maybe him being more easygoing can balance out the ambition you seem to have? Maybe things like video games help him to have that playfullness you like? 

The best relationships are with those that compliment us. We each pick up where the other might drop off.  Just something to consider.

20 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

But I've dated a lot of what you call "nerd" gamer guys. To be honest they were mostly all your typical kind of sci-fi loving, gamers, mostly working in software looll

I prefer the term geek. 😉

As someone who has been in that culture of sci-fi, comics, video games, etc. the people in it are generally awesome, fun loving people who are just ambitious and creative. They create the technology the world uses. The most successful movies these days fit that crowd. Gaming is a mega industry and people can actually become successful and profitable just from playing video games. 

If that's what a person likes, it's what they like. What's more important is the person he is on the inside. He is caring? Nice? Respectful?

[Tinydance]

11 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

As long as it's not illegal, immoral, or dangerous, everyone should have the right to be and do as they want. If you care for them, it means taking them as they are and accepting ALL parts of them. 

I've also seen it where people try to change others into what they think they want, only for them to lose the thing that really connected them in the first place. 

You fell for this person for the person that he is. That includes many of the things you now are having an issue with. Maybe some of his charm is in the very things you are unsure of? Maybe him being more easygoing can balance out the ambition you seem to have? Maybe things like video games help him to have that playfullness you like? 

The best relationships are with those that compliment us. We each pick up where the other might drop off.  Just something to consider.

I prefer the term geek. 😉

As someone who has been in that culture of sci-fi, comics, video games, etc. the people in it are generally awesome, fun loving people who are just ambitious and creative. They create the technology the world uses. The most successful movies these days fit that crowd. Gaming is a mega industry and people can actually become successful and profitable just from playing video games. 

If that's what a person likes, it's what they like. What's more important is the person he is on the inside. He is caring? Nice? Respectful?

Well it's important to find someone who have at least something in common with. Though of course it couldn't be everything. Maybe OP doesn't actually have common interests with her boyfriend that she can share? Personally I prefer to date "geek guys" coz I hate beer, sport and gym 🤣

[ShySoul]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well it's important to find someone who have at least something in common with. Though of course it couldn't be everything. Maybe OP doesn't actually have common interests with her boyfriend that she can share? Personally I prefer to date "geek guys" coz I hate beer, sport and gym 🤣

Oh, I knew I left something out. So I will amend that. 

The best relationships tend to have a foundation of things in common while the differences compliment one another. 

Okay, that covers the best of both words (which is a geek reference I doubt anyone here will pick up on, but amuses me nonetheless).

Actually, I'd be curious to hear if Anonymous can tell us common interests. If she can, might help to refocus her thoughts on what is right in the relationship. And if she can't, would be a good indicator that there isn't that core that would make it work.

Have never drank alcohol and barely watch sports (unless we're counting pro wrestling). And what's this thing called a gym? 🤣

[lostandhurt]

My question is:  Do you love him or do you love the idea of who you think he could be?

 Having a fixer upper boyfriend may seem like a good thing as you tell yourself "I am helping him be all he can be"  "I am helping him reach his true potential" and on and on.  Basically you are trying to change him into who you want to be with.  You are also trying to separate him from his friends.  All done with the best of intentions and with love for him I am sure but this goes way beyond getting him to dress nicer or put the seat down when he is done, this is molding.

  The relationship has run its course and the shine has worn off and now you are seeing everything very clearly.  It is sad and there will be tears and hurt but he is not the guy for you and you are not the woman for him.

  Ending it now is best for you both, no need to prolong this as you know it will not work out in the end.

 As far as these other men and dating them goes.  Perhaps you need to spend some time alone and truly figure out what it is you really want for and in your life.  Is it these flashy successful guys that keep hurting you or is it a genuine guy with a good heart that is happy with his life and wants to add someone to it.
  There could be just the right amount of successful and genuine guy out there for you but you need to slow things way down with them so you can see who they really are, not who they want you to see.  

  Let your bf down as gently as possible and for his sake don't date for a while.

Lost

[Tinydance]

I also just wanted to add that while yes maybe you have good intentions, you are actually acting controlling. You didn't see this guy for twelve years and in that time he's lived a certain life. Maybe it's not what you like but it's HIS life.

You've come in and very literally you are trying to change every aspect of him and his life. What job he should have, to quit smoking and drinking, distance from his friends, move to your city, potentially give up/cut back on gaming. But nobody has actually asked you to "help him" and maybe he's mostly fine with his life, his friends and so on. And you're saying: "While he's been receptive but it just doesn't feel like it's enough." Yes it's not enough because you want a different guy with a different life but he's not a different guy. You haven't waved magic wand and turned a frog into a prince lol

And in all honesty, he doesn't have to be receptive to anything you're saying. If someone was doing to me what you're doing to him, I wouldn't be receptive. You said he lets people at work walk all over him. But you know who else walks all over him? You. Sorry but it's true.

And again, I don't know this guy so I have no idea if he's a good or bad guy. But even if he was a loser, it's not your job or place to improve him. As you keep saying, this is a 30-year-old man. Unless he's intellectually challenged I'm sure he can make his own decisions in life. Even if those decisions are "bad". 

Also again, working out is something you like but doesn't mean he has to like it or do it. I don't like the gym. I like walking so I go for walks. But I don't actually work out as such. I think you need to stop looking down on people's lifestyle just because it's not the same as your lifestyle. It just comes across as you think you're better than someone else. Again I feel that you have very genuine intentions but you just can't change someone.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Personally I prefer to date "geek guys" coz I hate beer, sport and gym

I mean me too but I was careful and still am not to see people as labels because then you're not ready for -and can't enjoy -the surprises.  Geeks drink beer, gym rats might be math majors or work as an engineer etc.

I don't go for narrow definitions of ambition/work ethic - my grandfather owned his own business related to blue collar work and immigrated to the US as a young man -talk about work ethic and ambition -that was him - no education.

When it came to a romantic partner I'd never have dated someone I thought I'd need to mother and I did have more specific wants about education level, financial stability and ambition and work ethic and what kind of career/profession would be my preference. 

I respected ambitious barristas and wouldn't have married one who aspired to that as a full time job long term.  Different standards for who I was friends with and admired in friendship or as colleagues vs. my preferences/desires for a husband.  I knew of a family friend much older  than me where she insisted he not be a physical education teacher and instead become a doctor.  They were young. He became a doctor.  I could never imagine asking someone to change their career so drastically let alone requiring it -and if someone had tried to do that  to me that would have meant we were incompatible.

I think some people have narrow views of work ethic and ambition because some people are narrow minded. Or don't know any better or go with what they read on social media.  But I also think there's sometimes a sense that if you want to be with someone with certain attributes/values etc that means you are judging those who don't have that or want that - I mean that's not how it worked for me.  Surely someone can be racist or misogynistic in general and then apply that to romantic partners too -and for sure that's judging people in general but I know of many people including myself who have different standards for who they want to marry or be committed to vs. who they would be friends with or work with. 

I think the OP would be settling and agree it's unfair for her  to judge his choices and try to change him.  She should keep to her standards and let him live his own life apart from her and find someone who has more in common with him.

[Tinydance]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I mean me too but I was careful and still am not to see people as labels because then you're not ready for -and can't enjoy -the surprises.  Geeks drink beer, gym rats might be math majors or work as an engineer etc.

I don't go for narrow definitions of ambition/work ethic - my grandfather owned his own business related to blue collar work and immigrated to the US as a young man -talk about work ethic and ambition -that was him - no education.

When it came to a romantic partner I'd never have dated someone I thought I'd need to mother and I did have more specific wants about education level, financial stability and ambition and work ethic and what kind of career/profession would be my preference. 

I respected ambitious barristas and wouldn't have married one who aspired to that as a full time job long term.  Different standards for who I was friends with and admired in friendship or as colleagues vs. my preferences/desires for a husband.  I knew of a family friend much older  than me where she insisted he not be a physical education teacher and instead become a doctor.  They were young. He became a doctor.  I could never imagine asking someone to change their career so drastically let alone requiring it -and if someone had tried to do that  to me that would have meant we were incompatible.

I think some people have narrow views of work ethic and ambition because some people are narrow minded. Or don't know any better or go with what they read on social media.  But I also think there's sometimes a sense that if you want to be with someone with certain attributes/values etc that means you are judging those who don't have that or want that - I mean that's not how it worked for me.  Surely someone can be racist or misogynistic in general and then apply that to romantic partners too -and for sure that's judging people in general but I know of many people including myself who have different standards for who they want to marry or be committed to vs. who they would be friends with or work with. 

I think the OP would be settling and agree it's unfair for her  to judge his choices and try to change him.  She should keep to her standards and let him live his own life apart from her and find someone who has more in common with him.

Yes I think you absolutely nailed it that it's important to have things in common. I think when you don't have much in common and especially not common interests - yes you can find their interests boring or lame. There are things I find boring too like sport and politics. This is why I never really dated guys who were into sport. But that definitely doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with sport or liking it. It's just not my thing.

I was actually joking about geek stereotypes. I guess I just meant I'm not usually into what's considered your typical manly male. Like, goes to the gym, likes sports, etc. But you're right that people aren't a stereotype. So there's probably no such thing as a typical manly male or geek.

It's interesting because I see ambition as doing something you enjoy. There is that saying: "Do a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life". In Australia there are low paid jobs like childcare workers, disability carers, aged carers. Even teachers don't get paid as well as they probably should. Same with nurses. But they're all important and rewarding jobs that people can enjoy. 

I'm not sure what OP meant that her boyfriend isn't ambitious. I don't know if she meant he works some kind of minimal wage job and has no education. And if you ask him what he wants to do in life, he doesn't know. Or whether she just meant he's not ambitious in the sense of earning a lot of money or moving up. E.g. Becoming a manager. Or that he needs to study a degree to lead him to a professional highly paid role. But that doesn't mean he doesn't have a proper job. I mean, I don't know what his job is so I can't comment on that.

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I'm not sure what OP meant that her boyfriend isn't ambitious. I don't know if she meant he works some kind of minimal wage job and has no education. And if you ask him what he wants to do in life, he doesn't know. Or whether she just meant he's not ambitious in the sense of earning a lot of money or moving up. E.g. Becoming a manager. Or that he needs to study a degree to lead him to a professional highly paid role. But that doesn't mean he doesn't have a proper job. I mean, I don't know what his job is so I can't comment on that.

Yes this is missing info and important info! My sense from the gaming comment is she sees him as unmotivated/passive in general maybe?? 

I learned to like certain sports and now I do as I am outnumbered- husband and son -I'm the only chick and they both love a certain sport very much!! 

I don't see ambition as just doing something you enjoy - I see it generally as being motivated in what it is you do and you aspire to grow in it - to develop even better skills, learn more, absorb more. So this can be as a SAHM, as an artist, a teacher, a lawyer, a gardener or farmer.  But certain jobs are self limiting where unless you move up or make a lateral move you kind of learn all there is to learn -you might enjoy it but you're not ambitious about it.  You're stagnant in the skills area.  When I looked for a husband I didn't just look for general ambition.  I wouldn't have married a starving artist despite being a huge patron and fan of multiple arts. 

But I would have recognized a man who was ambitious about his particular art.  I would have married a man who was ambitious about his art AND was motivated to be financially stable -so hypothetically he'd do a regular job he enjoyed just fine to pay the bills but was passionate and ambitious about his art.  

[TeeDee]

Stop mothering him & get him to come to you.  It doesn't sound like he has much holding him to where you both grew up. If he has more opportunities where you are, suggest he be the one to relocate.  

See if he steps up