Virgin at 40

[SophiaG]

3 hours ago, DaniKla1984 said:

I have not experienced youth at all.

How so? Everybody who lived to a certain age experienced youth - they just experienced it differently. And at 40 you still have plenty of youth left to experience IMO. Do you mean you never experienced romance in youth or never experienced dating someone young? Have you never had a crush as a teenager? That's one of the many ways to experience that aspect of youth...

[DaniKla1984]

8 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

I hope I don't sound overly discouraging or insensitive but I agree with @Kwothe28 and @Batya33 that you seem to be overly ambitious with your expectations in a partner and very unambitious regarding your own life. Of course relationships shouldn't be transactional but people are usually attracted to those with similar ambition/goals/experience etc. What you can bring to the table, so to speak, generally determines the type of partners you get. Simply being a virgin at 40 or wanting to wait to have sex isn't necessarily an issue - it will naturally lead to a smaller pool of compatible people, for sure, but even on this site I remember seeing multiple people, men and women, saying they want to wait until marriage to have sex and/or have conservative values about relationships. But combined with having never worked and seemingly not having any desire to change that, looking to spend as little money as possible in activities, wanting younger women, and not wanting to "play the dating game" or learning things through trial and error I can't help but feel that you are - maybe subconsciously - creating almost insurmountable barriers for yourself to meet that person.

Maybe I took it the wrong way but I'd be careful with the desire for younger women. How much younger are we talking about? I'm assuming you mean more than a few years so probably someone in their 20s? That's a significant age gap and you'll run into even more issues than you might with a woman of a similar age. Now, there's nothing wrong with liking vibrant, youthful looks or energy and I myself am guilty of that - both my bf and myself probably look younger for our age and are often mistaken for 20 somethings in our 30s - but I've dated many actually younger guys up to ~10 years younger and rarely had good experience. The differences in life stages, maturity levels and relationship expectations etc. are simply too huge. Combined with your rejection of "trial and error" and "failure is not an option" idea I can't see how things can potentially work well, not to mention that many young women who enter a relationship with a much older man with traditional/conservative values would expect the man to be somewhat successful, financially secure and able to take care of them. Being a good romantic partner is a learned skill. Being able to find a suitable partner is also a skill and you can't expect to master these skills without ever trying. 

I also disagree with the idea that love happens when it's supposed to happen and we don't need to do anything about it. Sure sometimes things happen when we least expect it. Some people are just lucky that love (or other things they want) simply fall into their lap without them having to put themselves out there. Others might be very unlucky no matter how hard they try they just don't seem to get much results. But those are relatively rare situations. There is a random/luck factor with many things but randomness doesn't mean there are no patterns at all. Random variables are often correlated with and predicted by known factors. Which is what we mean by "the more people you meet the more likely you'll meet someone special for you" - it's not a perfect correlation so there are exceptions but it's a pretty strong correlation overall. Many people like @Batya33 and myself have to put ourselves out there and spend time dating and learning how to date before we find love or a life partner. Relationship itself takes work. If you don't want to put in the effort or work on personal growth even if the right person comes to your doorstep you won't be able to keep them for long. Life commitment is not a value, it's a decision that people make based on mutual love, compatibility and again effort - and can be reconsidered and taken back if you are not matching their contribution or effort. Divorce is only not an option when you choose not to get married in a country where divorce is allowed.

When I say younger women I am saying between 30 and 40. (Actually women of my age) When I say trial and error I am saying that I don't want to have many sexual partners until I find the right one. I will date of course because Without dating there would be no possibilities at all but I am saying that I will not have intercourse until find my life partner. 

[DaniKla1984]

10 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

How so? Everybody who lived to a certain age experienced youth - they just experienced it differently. And at 40 you still have plenty of youth left to experience IMO. Do you mean you never experienced romance in youth or never experienced dating someone young? Have you never had a crush as a teenager? That's one of the many ways to experience that aspect of youth...

Yes. I have not experienced romance or dating. Yes I had a couple of crushes but only in my imagination. (One with a cousin and another with a girl that was a schoolmate). No real life romance. No sex or kisses at all. 

[rainbowsandroses]

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

From a woman's perspective, but applies regardless of gender:

https://www.frostmagazine.com/2012/09/why-men-arent-like-frogs-and-dating-isnt-a-numbers-game/

This^ was actually a pretty good article Shy, thanks for posting it!

I dislike all those clichés and dating myths as well.  Dating is too nuanced to apply those myths imo.

I do however think talking, meeting and interacting with many different people is beneficial. 

NOT with the intention of dating them but rather to become more comfortable with people and in your own skin.   Learning what you like and dislike, qualities you're attracted to..

So when you DO meet that special person who razzes your berries, you'll be in a better position to comfortably interact with them and develop a connection.

So in that sense, it's a numbers game but with respect to dating, Shy and the author of the article are right imo. 

It's not how many people you meet (quantity) but rather the quality of those interactions and connections.

JMO.

 

[SophiaG]

32 minutes ago, DaniKla1984 said:

Yes. I should've started with all this 20 years ago. 

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.

While it's not helpful to dwell in what happened (or didn't happen) in the past that you can no longer change, maybe ask yourself: what stopped you from trying all these things over the last 20 years? Have you changed/addressed all those barriers now?

[DaniKla1984]

2 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.

While it's not helpful to dwell in what happened (or didn't happen) in the past that you can no longer change, maybe ask yourself: what stopped you from trying all these things over the last 20 years? Have you changed/addressed all those barriers now?

20 years ago. I began to suffer from anxiety and depression. And still I do but it's controlled. 

[DaniKla1984]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

looking to spend as little money as possible in activities,

I am poor. Although I get a job my expenses can never surpass certain levels. We must take care of money. Here in my country we have 53% of people being poor, 18% indigent and last year we had 300% of inflation and salaries are below the subsistence level. So I can't offer fancy dinners, relatively expensive gifts or trips.