Virgin at 40

[shouldhavelearned]

Starts with a positive mindset

Be out and about

Go for walks, library, like you said other low cost things.

More people you meet the more chances you have

[Batya33]

55 minutes ago, DaniKla1984 said:

What I fear the most is the time that will take. Maybe I will be an old man when I meet a woman. Well. It is what it is. 

You might be older for sure.  A man I dated just met what looks to be the love of his life. He is 61 never married, single dad (she is 20 already) -and he met this woman who is somewhat younger within the last year.  He's been wanting a serious relationship for so many years. My friend met the love of her life -well, second love -her husband tragically died from cancer in his 40s - they met I believe at their HS reunion when she'd recently turned 60 and they've been married for years now.

[ShySoul]

22 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

More people you meet the more chances you have

Also more chances of it not working out, of being rejected, etc.

It's not a numbers game. You can meet a hundred people and still be alone. You can meet five people and find the love of your life. So much of it is really up to random chance.

28 minutes ago, DaniKla1984 said:

What I fear the most is the time that will take. Maybe I will be an old man when I meet a woman. Well. It is what it is. 

When you find it, the time won't matter. All that will matter is the moment you are in and the person you are with. The past will be in the past. The present will be what consumes you. And that will be a happy present, filled with a joy made better and more appreciated for all the time it took to arrive.

And depending on the study you read, you might be surprised that this is more common then one wold think. I'm seeing something saying in the US 5.25% of adults aged 40 and above have never been in a relationship. A quarter of adults at that age have never been married. People are putting relationships off and it shouldn't be a source of shame. Believe in yourself and find a way to be happy with just you. 

https://www.reddit.com/r/Futurology/comments/195tbib/within_ten_years_the_number_of_adults_aged_40_and/

https://suman92.quora.com/What-are-the-statistics-of-people-who-have-never-been-in-a-relationship-and-those-who-have-Is-it-more-uncommon-to-never#:~:text=42% (roughly 4 out of,never been in a relationship.

[Batya33]

I think it is a numbers game with the qualifier that you carefully select the environments.  Environments where people -whether single or married or whatever -are supposed to mingle and hopefully around a common shared activity. Working backstage at a community theater is a wonderful example of this as are swing dancing lessons and events.  By contrast I never much clicked with Mom Friends -because for me the fact that we were both moms was a fairly slim basis for bonding generally plus I was an older mom and sometimes the age got in the way.  I bonded over Mom Stuff but my life was much broader than that, my past as well.  I have found my people -and found people to date - through online sites, volunteer work, through mutual friends , at work and through work, at singles events including at places of worship and through professional networking groups and organizations.  

One of my dear friends who I texted with 30 minutes ago -we met in the late 90s on the front lawn of our apartment complex where sometimes people like us sunbathed - we bonded when a rude man with his dog off leash refused  to put him on a leash.  Living in the same building, same city, same age- we became friends and we stayed friends even when she moved out years later.  

I'm not into the random - see someone on the street who is cute -too random -but that is how my friend met her husband -been married over 20 years - but larger groups where there are  shared interests - that can work so nicely IMO.

[shouldhavelearned]

Yeah, odds are good at his rate. He's 40 and looking so going with a one in a one is not favored.

Maybe he doesn't meet the one right away. More people he talks to gives him a chance to get comfortable and sharpen his communication.

 

Again, all about being confident and not negativity.

[ShySoul]

If you want to make it a numbers game, look at it from this perspective. You meet a hunded people, get dates with 10, end up with one. Your success is 1%. Or you can meet ten people, have one date, end up together. Sucess rate is higher at 10%. More people doesn't equal more success. Depending on how you look at it, you could take it as being less sucessful. 

Just throw all that aside because it doesn't matter. What matters is being happy and comfortable with yourself. It's embracing who you are and loving the person you naturally are. That will be what leads to meeting the right person. And that will help you to have the internal confidence you need once you do meet them.

From a woman's perspective, but applies regardless of gender:

https://www.frostmagazine.com/2012/09/why-men-arent-like-frogs-and-dating-isnt-a-numbers-game/

"Numbers games rely on chance. Would that then mean that finding love should be compared to roulette or poker? I think we can agree that all of those are tremendously risky activities over which you have and little control over the outcome. The idea that the more people you date the more chance you have in succeeding is misleading; laying a few pounds on which horse wins a race won’t make too much difference in your life if it goes wrong. However an overly cavalier attitude towards dating will provide less than stellar results. It’s about quality not quantity; dates with people that you have instant chemistry with, not endless dates with people because you ‘might as well’.  While it shouldn’t be approached with the precision of a military campaign it deserves more respect and attention than thinking of it as a game or a gamble."

https://www.threads.net/@lookingforsomethingserious/post/DALplmovaL4

https://violetlange.com/blog/is-love-really-just-a-numbers-game/

"Love isn’t a numbers game. It’s a commitment process:

Of being 1000% committed to being present, for yourself…and dating with your heart not just your mind.

It’s a commitment process: Of trusting your intuition and looking for LOVE, Not more dates."

[DaniKla1984]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

It's not a numbers game. You can meet a hundred people and still be alone. You can meet five people and find the love of your life. So much of it is really up to random chance.

I agree. Maybe our lives are shaped by random things. But we are not used to thinking that way and we want to build interpretations, signals, tendencies, destiny etc just to not accept the random nature of life. 

[shouldhavelearned]

You trash my opinion and like my opinion. 

All up to the op at this point.

[DaniKla1984]

10 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You trash my opinion and like my opinion. 

All up to the op at this point.

I am sorry. Sometimes, I consider many different ideas and I go with the flow. But it is a thing that I do without even realize. I hope you don't get angry with me.  

[DaniKla1984]

14 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You trash my opinion and like my opinion. 

All up to the op at this point.

But I agree that There are way more opportunities being out there interacting with people and having a positive mindset. I apologize if I made you angry. 

[DaniKla1984]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You might be older for sure.  A man I dated just met what looks to be the love of his life. He is 61 never married, single dad (she is 20 already) -and he met this woman who is somewhat younger within the last year.  He's been wanting a serious relationship for so many years. My friend met the love of her life -well, second love -her husband tragically died from cancer in his 40s - they met I believe at their HS reunion when she'd recently turned 60 and they've been married for years now.

I must confess something. Maybe it is because when I was a teenager and a young adult I was never with with a woman with the same age. I, now, long for the touch, the contact of a younger woman. I never had that. I want to know what is it like to be with a young woman before my own youth ends. Maybe a great love come to any age as you say but When I see younger women my heart melts with desire. But I know for sure that now they are almost unattainable. And well maybe I am too ambitious but I would like to spend an important amount of time enjoying the relationship. Let's suppose that I meet her in my 60s and I live till 80 lets suppose. Only 20 years. It seems to me too little for the time I've been waiting. I know that quality is the most important thing in a relationship and not quantity, but as I said, maybe I am too ambitious.

[DaniKla1984]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

And depending on the study you read, you might be surprised that this is more common then one wold think. I'm seeing something saying in the US 5.25% of adults aged 40 and above have never been in a relationship. A quarter of adults at that age have never been married. People are putting relationships off and it shouldn't be a source of shame. Believe in yourself and find a way to be happy with just you. 

I would be happy if only my libido were lower but it is overwhelmingly high. Like a volcano inside me. I resist because I have a good self control but most of time I struggle to hide it from other people's sight. And masturbation doesn't seem to work anymore. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, DaniKla1984 said:

I must confess something. Maybe it is because when I was a teenager and a young adult I was never with with a woman with the same age. I, now, long for the touch, the contact of a younger woman. I never had that. I want to know what is it like to be with a young woman before my own youth ends. Maybe a great love come to any age as you say but When I see younger women my heart melts with desire. But I know for sure that now they are almost unattainable. And well maybe I am too ambitious but I would like to spend an important amount of time enjoying the relationship. Let's suppose that I meet her in my 60s and I live till 80 lets suppose. Only 20 years. It seems to me too little for the time I've been waiting. I know that quality is the most important thing in a relationship and not quantity, but as I said, maybe I am too ambitious.

I think you are looking for a unicorn other than I know of a number of men who prefer younger women with some notion that looking a certain age is a positive. Oddly -maybe not oddly?? I know of many women who don't look their age - women in their 20s who look much older, women in their 40s the opposite.  I started looking older for a number of reasons - for me I think it was having a baby at 42, losing weight beyond my pre pregnancy weight -I was slim now I am very thin -and I think sometimes thin on an older person (I am 58) might show the wrinkles more??

Also I am not at all interested in or willing to do any form of botox or plastic surgery.  My c-section surgery was quite enough as well as my oral surgeries I've needed. No thanks! My body is much more youthful than when I was younger because I work out even more (started in 1982), and being slim and fit looks youthful.  I absolutely would not date or get involved with any man who I suspected was as focused as you seem to be on "youth" as we'd have incompatible values. 

Since you apparently also need a woman who won't be relying on you financially please know that it's highly unlikely that a younger woman with her own career and financial independence and stability is going to like your notion that you can ride the coattails of her "youth" and parade her around as some prize of youth you won as the older man -that is what the impression would be IMO and it's not a good look particularly for a younger woman who's ambitious and driven in the career context. 

A much younger woman with kids - meaning she's a single mom who is not able to work full time outside the home and perhaps gets alimony /child support is also not going to fulfil your visions of youthfulness because her focus will be on her young kids and very often that saps the energy of even the most youthful person who is a single parent.  Just what I've seen and observed.  

Yes you are too "ambitious" IMO.  Like I wrote above I really haven't had much experience with a man with your obstacles/challenges having this tall an order for what your potential partner must have and tacking on the youth part - just makes it more unicorn-like.  Is it at all possible you do this to yourself so you can throw in the towel and stay in your safe space of yearning and longing without having to put in the effort? Is that true at all to you?

[DaniKla1984]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

and parade her around as some prize of youth you won as the older man

No. I don't want to parade her around. Don't think I am a frivolous man that only wants a prize woman to boast off. It is just that there are so many things that i didn't experience. 

[DaniKla1984]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think you are looking for a unicorn other than I know of a number of men who prefer younger women with some notion that looking a certain age is a positive. Oddly -maybe not oddly?? I know of many women who don't look their age - women in their 20s who look much older, women in their 40s the opposite.  I started looking older for a number of reasons - for me I think it was having a baby at 42, losing weight beyond my pre pregnancy weight -I was slim now I am very thin -and I think sometimes thin on an older person (I am 58) might show the wrinkles more??

Also I am not at all interested in or willing to do any form of botox or plastic surgery.  My c-section surgery was quite enough as well as my oral surgeries I've needed. No thanks! My body is much more youthful than when I was younger because I work out even more (started in 1982), and being slim and fit looks youthful.  I absolutely would not date or get involved with any man who I suspected was as focused as you seem to be on "youth" as we'd have incompatible values. 

Since you apparently also need a woman who won't be relying on you financially please know that it's highly unlikely that a younger woman with her own career and financial independence and stability is going to like your notion that you can ride the coattails of her "youth" and parade her around as some prize of youth you won as the older man -that is what the impression would be IMO and it's not a good look particularly for a younger woman who's ambitious and driven in the career context. 

A much younger woman with kids - meaning she's a single mom who is not able to work full time outside the home and perhaps gets alimony /child support is also not going to fulfil your visions of youthfulness because her focus will be on her young kids and very often that saps the energy of even the most youthful person who is a single parent.  Just what I've seen and observed.  

Yes you are too "ambitious" IMO.  Like I wrote above I really haven't had much experience with a man with your obstacles/challenges having this tall an order for what your potential partner must have and tacking on the youth part - just makes it more unicorn-like.  Is it at all possible you do this to yourself so you can throw in the towel and stay in your safe space of yearning and longing without having to put in the effort? Is that true at all to you?

I have not experienced youth at all. Maybe That's why I yearn these things but I don't want to give the wrong impression and people think that I am a totally different person than I am. It was just a desire expression. Maybe I must simply take what I can get.