Virgin at 40

[DaniKla1984]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

you want somehow to meet this person doing what you are doing now

I don't like dating game but I will have to play it. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, DaniKla1984 said:

Yes. I am willing. 

Great so what action can you take today to meet more people you have things in common with?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, DaniKla1984 said:

I don't like dating game but I will have to play it. 

Yes part of it is a game, part of it is not/need not be.  Did you play the interview game to get jobs? 

[DaniKla1984]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Great so what action can you take today to meet more people you have things in common with?

Maybe, join some groups with the same interests.

[Batya33]

Just now, DaniKla1984 said:

Maybe, join some groups with the same interests.

Great idea! I did that and many other things. I think it's worth the effort despite no guarantees.  I'm glad you're taking this approach.

[DaniKla1984]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes part of it is a game, part of it is not/need not be.  Did you play the interview game to get jobs? 

No. I've never worked because of some issues I had. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, DaniKla1984 said:

No. I've never worked because of some issues I had. 

OK so how do you plan to pay for dates or contribute to dates? To pay admissions to groups where you share interests or pay for activities? I don't know of many women in your age group who would be comfortable with being the only person who works unless you have financial stability in some other way.  

[DaniKla1984]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

OK so how do you plan to pay for dates or contribute to dates? To pay admissions to groups where you share interests or pay for activities?

That's the main issue. You have to have money to do a lot of activities. I am looking for free events. 

[DaniKla1984]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OK so how do you plan to pay for dates or contribute to dates? To pay admissions to groups where you share interests or pay for activities? I don't know of many women in your age group who would be comfortable with being the only person who works unless you have financial stability in some other way.  

Here in my country there is a massive economic crisis and there is no job. It is really tough to find a job. 

[DaniKla1984]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OK so how do you plan to pay for dates or contribute to dates? To pay admissions to groups where you share interests or pay for activities? I don't know of many women in your age group who would be comfortable with being the only person who works unless you have financial stability in some other way. 

I have my own house. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, DaniKla1984 said:

I have my own house. 

You said you've never worked so current conditions will not explain that. I'd look to a place of worship for free events.  I would not date unless you can afford to pay for or contribute to dates and if you are financially stable.  Owning a home is positive of course. 

[DaniKla1984]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You said you've never worked so current conditions will not explain that. I'd look to a place of worship for free events.  I would not date unless you can afford to pay for or contribute to dates and if you are financially stable.  Owning a home is positive of course. 

It's true. There were good years but since at least 4 years we are in a huge crisis. And this doesn't seem to get better. So if I wait till things get better I will be 50 and then it will be even harder to find someone. And I don't want to wait because I fear that if get older I will begin to have health issues. 

[DaniKla1984]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You said you've never worked so current conditions will not explain that. I'd look to a place of worship for free events.  I would not date unless you can afford to pay for or contribute to dates and if you are financially stable.  Owning a home is positive of course. 

Yes. Good years went by. But In those years I was struggling with anxiety and depression and my father also had health issues. 

[Zaku-II]

49 minutes ago, DaniKla1984 said:

I don't want to get divorced. 

The leading cause of divorce is marriage.

[DaniKla1984]

1 minute ago, Zaku-II said:

The leading cause of divorce is marriage.

Hahaha. Good joke. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, DaniKla1984 said:

Yes. Good years went by. But In those years I was struggling with anxiety and depression and my father also had health issues. 

I understand.  I have no experience at all giving input to someone of your age in your financial situation with all your requirements for what the woman has to be and have. So I will leave it to others who might have valuable input.  Take care.

[DaniKla1984]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I understand.  I have no experience at all giving input to someone of your age in your financial situation with all your requirements for what the woman has to be and have. So I will leave it to others who might have valuable input.  Take care.

Thanks for your time and attention. I much appreciate your words. Thanks again and have a lovely life. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, DaniKla1984 said:

Thanks for your time and attention. I much appreciate your words. Thanks again and have a lovely life. 

You're welcome.  I know when I don't know. I know and lived through decades of dating and relationships.  But then sometimes there are very unusual circumstances I cannot give input on in any meaningful way.  

[ShySoul]

Dating/love/relationships are not a game. In a game there is a winner and loser. In love there should be no losers, only winners. In a game there are rules to follow. In love there should be no rules, it should be about following your heart and doing what is right for you. There is no set path one should follow. Its really about believing in yourself and following your own dreams and wishes.

Likewise it is not a job interview. It's not about creating a resume and seeing if you each match someone's list of necessary qualifications. It shouldn't be work, it should be fun and enjoyable. It should flow naturally because you and the other person really get along well and understand each other. 

I have also seen horrible divorces and decided long ago that wasn't an option for me. I want it to last. As a professor once said: do it once, do it right, never do it again. 

Sex is not necessary for a relationship. Many women have told me they would be fine without it, that they enjoy the simple pleasures of hugs, kisses, etc. If you really care for each other, you'll be so in the moment that you can get lost in those thrills and not need anything further. With the right person, you will both be willing to wait until the time is right for both of you, only wanting to go as far as each is ready for.

Sorry about the money issue. That does limit what you can do. But in my experience, I have met several people through free activities. At least in my area there are things going on every weekend. There are groups to meet for all kinds of hobbies and interests. Focus on having fun and enjoying yourself, and the rest will happen for you.

Also, are you able to volunteer? It looks good when applying for jobs, can help you make connections and meet people, and just feels good. It can help put you in a positive mood, get you thinking good thoughts about yourself and what you are doing. Increasing that positive energy and being happy with yourself is the first step. 

Anxiety and depression is a constant struggle. Hope you are doing well. Take care of yourself.

[DaniKla1984]

28 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Dating/love/relationships are not a game. In a game there is a winner and loser. In love there should be no losers, only winners. In a game there are rules to follow. In love there should be no rules, it should be about following your heart and doing what is right for you. There is no set path one should follow. Its really about believing in yourself and following your own dreams and wishes.

Likewise it is not a job interview. It's not about creating a resume and seeing if you each match someone's list of necessary qualifications. It shouldn't be work, it should be fun and enjoyable. It should flow naturally because you and the other person really get along well and understand each other. 

I have also seen horrible divorces and decided long ago that wasn't an option for me. I want it to last. As a professor once said: do it once, do it right, never do it again. 

Sex is not necessary for a relationship. Many women have told me they would be fine without it, that they enjoy the simple pleasures of hugs, kisses, etc. If you really care for each other, you'll be so in the moment that you can get lost in those thrills and not need anything further. With the right person, you will both be willing to wait until the time is right for both of you, only wanting to go as far as each is ready for.

Sorry about the money issue. That does limit what you can do. But in my experience, I have met several people through free activities. At least in my area there are things going on every weekend. There are groups to meet for all kinds of hobbies and interests. Focus on having fun and enjoying yourself, and the rest will happen for you.

Also, are you able to volunteer? It looks good when applying for jobs, can help you make connections and meet people, and just feels good. It can help put you in a positive mood, get you thinking good thoughts about yourself and what you are doing. Increasing that positive energy and being happy with yourself is the first step. 

Anxiety and depression is a constant struggle. Hope you are doing well. Take care of yourself.

When I talked about dating game i was talking about all the process of meeting new people, make contact with potential partners, see who shares your values and views, talk to them and being accepted. It seems such a hard task. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, DaniKla1984 said:

When I talked about dating game i was talking about all the process of meeting new people, make contact with potential partners, see who shares your values and views, talk to them and being accepted. It seems such a hard task. 

It is very hard and there are game like aspects but it's a bad idea to treat an individual as a game piece so to speak. I found the rules I had for myself and the rules I respected that I'd heard and the structure very helpful especially when I felt nervous or insecure.  First meets and dates can have some interview like aspects -not bad interviews or interrogations but yes an interview. My husband had some interview like questions for me on our first lunch date. I liked that!

I'm thankful it was pre-cell phone but for 5 plus years I had the whole email/IM thing.  I found it very very hard. I had a short list of dealbreakers but yes I put myself out there and sometimes got in my own way, making it harder.

[Kwothe28]

Not to be "that guy", but sorry, at 40 one of the first questions women would ask you will be financial stability. At 20, you can still coast along because at that age, people still do education and maybe dont support themselves on their own. 30+? One of the first questions you would get is "What do you do?". Because its already considered you have to support yourself and do at least something. Somebody at 40 without a job? Sorry, but your chances of meeting somebody are minimal.

That is not to say how "all women chase money" or something like that. But to them, "security" is one of the very important issues. Tomorrow, you will have to provide bills getting paid, or put food on the table. What are you planning about those? To find a woman who would do the work on her own? Again, sorry, no woman would sign on to that deal. Not all of them would want "provider". But most of them would like to know that they wouldnt be starving tomorrow when they marry you. So they would write you off as soon as they hear you dont work nothing. It has very negative connotation that you would be hard to get rid off.

So, my advice is to actually work on that first. I am a big proponent of working on yourself. Not everybody has the same starting point. But everybody can try to uplift themselves on the ladder. My country is also infamous for not that good job market. But you can still find work. I have a friend that finished university to be a teacher. Do you know what he works now? He drives a forklift. Found a job in some private company and they trained him for that. It pays a bit over the minimum, but its a decent work. Unlike him, I needed to work on my personal connections so I could find a job in my profession. So I did that. But even before that, I worked as a freelancer and lots of other stuff. So, you can do it too.

I am not saying that you would magically find a girlfriend after you get a job. Sorry, but I doubt that is the only issue since you yourself say you have social anxiety and lack of social skills. But it would be a step in the right direction. And who knows, maybe a job has a few nice ladies there to talk with them. Again, you need to work on every aspect of yourself. Its never too late for that, even at 40.

[ShySoul]

29 minutes ago, DaniKla1984 said:

When I talked about dating game i was talking about all the process of meeting new people, make contact with potential partners, see who shares your values and views, talk to them and being accepted. It seems such a hard task. 

When you see it as a game, it adds more pressures. It makes it into a scary mountain you have to climb. You turn it into something more then it has to be. Your mind starts creating scenarios and you think you have to plan things right and do this or that. And that turns what is a simple thing into a hard task to endure.

The only thing to fear is fear itself. In viewing it as you are, you are creating extra fear. I used to feel the same fear, do the same thing. And it only ever got me more fear.

When I threw out all the preconceptions of how things were supposed to be done, I got rid of the fear (mostly). I was able to be my authentic self and just concentrate on being me. I stopped caring how that would appear to others. I stopped seeing people as potential partners and just saw them for them. I met new people naturally through the course of life and doing things I wanted for myself. People who shared my values and views, we got along and developed friendships because of who we were. It just happened naturally, not because of anything specific we had to do. And those that didn't accept me as I was, we were never going to get along anyway. I simply didn't give them any more thought.

You've tried it one way - seeing it as a game and thinking you have to get out there to meet people and find a partner. It hasn't worked. It's just made you more anxious. Why not try a different way and just focus on you for a bit? Why not let love come to you when it's ready instead of thinking you have to go out and make it happen?

The rare moments of happiness with others in my life came when I wasn't looking or trying. I didn't have to date, play a game, or even go out and do an activity. I encountered them through the natural course of life. And the experiences were every bit as magical and rewarding.

[ShySoul]

If your entire country is having an economic crisis, I would imagine most people would be understanding. Most people would probably be in a similar situation, have been in that situation, or at least know someone who has. And there are plenty of people who don't care about money anyway. 

Get yourself stable for your own benefit. Do the best you can in that regard, taking the steps you need to. It's not easy and a lot of it is out of your control. But don't do it because you think you need to in order to find someone. Don't feel bad about yourself for struggling - financially or emotionally. Believe in yourself, focus on your strengths, and do the best you can.