Virgin at 40

[shouldhavelearned]

Starts with a positive mindset

Be out and about

Go for walks, library, like you said other low cost things.

More people you meet the more chances you have

[Batya33]

55 minutes ago, DaniKla1984 said:

What I fear the most is the time that will take. Maybe I will be an old man when I meet a woman. Well. It is what it is. 

You might be older for sure.  A man I dated just met what looks to be the love of his life. He is 61 never married, single dad (she is 20 already) -and he met this woman who is somewhat younger within the last year.  He's been wanting a serious relationship for so many years. My friend met the love of her life -well, second love -her husband tragically died from cancer in his 40s - they met I believe at their HS reunion when she'd recently turned 60 and they've been married for years now.

[ShySoul]

22 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

More people you meet the more chances you have

Also more chances of it not working out, of being rejected, etc.

It's not a numbers game. You can meet a hundred people and still be alone. You can meet five people and find the love of your life. So much of it is really up to random chance.

28 minutes ago, DaniKla1984 said:

What I fear the most is the time that will take. Maybe I will be an old man when I meet a woman. Well. It is what it is. 

When you find it, the time won't matter. All that will matter is the moment you are in and the person you are with. The past will be in the past. The present will be what consumes you. And that will be a happy present, filled with a joy made better and more appreciated for all the time it took to arrive.

And depending on the study you read, you might be surprised that this is more common then one wold think. I'm seeing something saying in the US 5.25% of adults aged 40 and above have never been in a relationship. A quarter of adults at that age have never been married. People are putting relationships off and it shouldn't be a source of shame. Believe in yourself and find a way to be happy with just you. 

https://www.reddit.com/r/Futurology/comments/195tbib/within_ten_years_the_number_of_adults_aged_40_and/

https://suman92.quora.com/What-are-the-statistics-of-people-who-have-never-been-in-a-relationship-and-those-who-have-Is-it-more-uncommon-to-never#:~:text=42% (roughly 4 out of,never been in a relationship.

[Batya33]

I think it is a numbers game with the qualifier that you carefully select the environments.  Environments where people -whether single or married or whatever -are supposed to mingle and hopefully around a common shared activity. Working backstage at a community theater is a wonderful example of this as are swing dancing lessons and events.  By contrast I never much clicked with Mom Friends -because for me the fact that we were both moms was a fairly slim basis for bonding generally plus I was an older mom and sometimes the age got in the way.  I bonded over Mom Stuff but my life was much broader than that, my past as well.  I have found my people -and found people to date - through online sites, volunteer work, through mutual friends , at work and through work, at singles events including at places of worship and through professional networking groups and organizations.  

One of my dear friends who I texted with 30 minutes ago -we met in the late 90s on the front lawn of our apartment complex where sometimes people like us sunbathed - we bonded when a rude man with his dog off leash refused  to put him on a leash.  Living in the same building, same city, same age- we became friends and we stayed friends even when she moved out years later.  

I'm not into the random - see someone on the street who is cute -too random -but that is how my friend met her husband -been married over 20 years - but larger groups where there are  shared interests - that can work so nicely IMO.

[shouldhavelearned]

Yeah, odds are good at his rate. He's 40 and looking so going with a one in a one is not favored.

Maybe he doesn't meet the one right away. More people he talks to gives him a chance to get comfortable and sharpen his communication.

 

Again, all about being confident and not negativity.

[ShySoul]

If you want to make it a numbers game, look at it from this perspective. You meet a hunded people, get dates with 10, end up with one. Your success is 1%. Or you can meet ten people, have one date, end up together. Sucess rate is higher at 10%. More people doesn't equal more success. Depending on how you look at it, you could take it as being less sucessful. 

Just throw all that aside because it doesn't matter. What matters is being happy and comfortable with yourself. It's embracing who you are and loving the person you naturally are. That will be what leads to meeting the right person. And that will help you to have the internal confidence you need once you do meet them.

From a woman's perspective, but applies regardless of gender:

https://www.frostmagazine.com/2012/09/why-men-arent-like-frogs-and-dating-isnt-a-numbers-game/

"Numbers games rely on chance. Would that then mean that finding love should be compared to roulette or poker? I think we can agree that all of those are tremendously risky activities over which you have and little control over the outcome. The idea that the more people you date the more chance you have in succeeding is misleading; laying a few pounds on which horse wins a race won’t make too much difference in your life if it goes wrong. However an overly cavalier attitude towards dating will provide less than stellar results. It’s about quality not quantity; dates with people that you have instant chemistry with, not endless dates with people because you ‘might as well’.  While it shouldn’t be approached with the precision of a military campaign it deserves more respect and attention than thinking of it as a game or a gamble."

https://www.threads.net/@lookingforsomethingserious/post/DALplmovaL4

https://violetlange.com/blog/is-love-really-just-a-numbers-game/

"Love isn’t a numbers game. It’s a commitment process:

Of being 1000% committed to being present, for yourself…and dating with your heart not just your mind.

It’s a commitment process: Of trusting your intuition and looking for LOVE, Not more dates."

[DaniKla1984]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

It's not a numbers game. You can meet a hundred people and still be alone. You can meet five people and find the love of your life. So much of it is really up to random chance.

I agree. Maybe our lives are shaped by random things. But we are not used to thinking that way and we want to build interpretations, signals, tendencies, destiny etc just to not accept the random nature of life. 

[shouldhavelearned]

You trash my opinion and like my opinion. 

All up to the op at this point.

[DaniKla1984]

10 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You trash my opinion and like my opinion. 

All up to the op at this point.

I am sorry. Sometimes, I consider many different ideas and I go with the flow. But it is a thing that I do without even realize. I hope you don't get angry with me.  

[DaniKla1984]

14 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You trash my opinion and like my opinion. 

All up to the op at this point.

But I agree that There are way more opportunities being out there interacting with people and having a positive mindset. I apologize if I made you angry. 

[DaniKla1984]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You might be older for sure.  A man I dated just met what looks to be the love of his life. He is 61 never married, single dad (she is 20 already) -and he met this woman who is somewhat younger within the last year.  He's been wanting a serious relationship for so many years. My friend met the love of her life -well, second love -her husband tragically died from cancer in his 40s - they met I believe at their HS reunion when she'd recently turned 60 and they've been married for years now.

I must confess something. Maybe it is because when I was a teenager and a young adult I was never with with a woman with the same age. I, now, long for the touch, the contact of a younger woman. I never had that. I want to know what is it like to be with a young woman before my own youth ends. Maybe a great love come to any age as you say but When I see younger women my heart melts with desire. But I know for sure that now they are almost unattainable. And well maybe I am too ambitious but I would like to spend an important amount of time enjoying the relationship. Let's suppose that I meet her in my 60s and I live till 80 lets suppose. Only 20 years. It seems to me too little for the time I've been waiting. I know that quality is the most important thing in a relationship and not quantity, but as I said, maybe I am too ambitious.

[DaniKla1984]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

And depending on the study you read, you might be surprised that this is more common then one wold think. I'm seeing something saying in the US 5.25% of adults aged 40 and above have never been in a relationship. A quarter of adults at that age have never been married. People are putting relationships off and it shouldn't be a source of shame. Believe in yourself and find a way to be happy with just you. 

I would be happy if only my libido were lower but it is overwhelmingly high. Like a volcano inside me. I resist because I have a good self control but most of time I struggle to hide it from other people's sight. And masturbation doesn't seem to work anymore. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, DaniKla1984 said:

I must confess something. Maybe it is because when I was a teenager and a young adult I was never with with a woman with the same age. I, now, long for the touch, the contact of a younger woman. I never had that. I want to know what is it like to be with a young woman before my own youth ends. Maybe a great love come to any age as you say but When I see younger women my heart melts with desire. But I know for sure that now they are almost unattainable. And well maybe I am too ambitious but I would like to spend an important amount of time enjoying the relationship. Let's suppose that I meet her in my 60s and I live till 80 lets suppose. Only 20 years. It seems to me too little for the time I've been waiting. I know that quality is the most important thing in a relationship and not quantity, but as I said, maybe I am too ambitious.

I think you are looking for a unicorn other than I know of a number of men who prefer younger women with some notion that looking a certain age is a positive. Oddly -maybe not oddly?? I know of many women who don't look their age - women in their 20s who look much older, women in their 40s the opposite.  I started looking older for a number of reasons - for me I think it was having a baby at 42, losing weight beyond my pre pregnancy weight -I was slim now I am very thin -and I think sometimes thin on an older person (I am 58) might show the wrinkles more??

Also I am not at all interested in or willing to do any form of botox or plastic surgery.  My c-section surgery was quite enough as well as my oral surgeries I've needed. No thanks! My body is much more youthful than when I was younger because I work out even more (started in 1982), and being slim and fit looks youthful.  I absolutely would not date or get involved with any man who I suspected was as focused as you seem to be on "youth" as we'd have incompatible values. 

Since you apparently also need a woman who won't be relying on you financially please know that it's highly unlikely that a younger woman with her own career and financial independence and stability is going to like your notion that you can ride the coattails of her "youth" and parade her around as some prize of youth you won as the older man -that is what the impression would be IMO and it's not a good look particularly for a younger woman who's ambitious and driven in the career context. 

A much younger woman with kids - meaning she's a single mom who is not able to work full time outside the home and perhaps gets alimony /child support is also not going to fulfil your visions of youthfulness because her focus will be on her young kids and very often that saps the energy of even the most youthful person who is a single parent.  Just what I've seen and observed.  

Yes you are too "ambitious" IMO.  Like I wrote above I really haven't had much experience with a man with your obstacles/challenges having this tall an order for what your potential partner must have and tacking on the youth part - just makes it more unicorn-like.  Is it at all possible you do this to yourself so you can throw in the towel and stay in your safe space of yearning and longing without having to put in the effort? Is that true at all to you?

[DaniKla1984]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

and parade her around as some prize of youth you won as the older man

No. I don't want to parade her around. Don't think I am a frivolous man that only wants a prize woman to boast off. It is just that there are so many things that i didn't experience. 

[DaniKla1984]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think you are looking for a unicorn other than I know of a number of men who prefer younger women with some notion that looking a certain age is a positive. Oddly -maybe not oddly?? I know of many women who don't look their age - women in their 20s who look much older, women in their 40s the opposite.  I started looking older for a number of reasons - for me I think it was having a baby at 42, losing weight beyond my pre pregnancy weight -I was slim now I am very thin -and I think sometimes thin on an older person (I am 58) might show the wrinkles more??

Also I am not at all interested in or willing to do any form of botox or plastic surgery.  My c-section surgery was quite enough as well as my oral surgeries I've needed. No thanks! My body is much more youthful than when I was younger because I work out even more (started in 1982), and being slim and fit looks youthful.  I absolutely would not date or get involved with any man who I suspected was as focused as you seem to be on "youth" as we'd have incompatible values. 

Since you apparently also need a woman who won't be relying on you financially please know that it's highly unlikely that a younger woman with her own career and financial independence and stability is going to like your notion that you can ride the coattails of her "youth" and parade her around as some prize of youth you won as the older man -that is what the impression would be IMO and it's not a good look particularly for a younger woman who's ambitious and driven in the career context. 

A much younger woman with kids - meaning she's a single mom who is not able to work full time outside the home and perhaps gets alimony /child support is also not going to fulfil your visions of youthfulness because her focus will be on her young kids and very often that saps the energy of even the most youthful person who is a single parent.  Just what I've seen and observed.  

Yes you are too "ambitious" IMO.  Like I wrote above I really haven't had much experience with a man with your obstacles/challenges having this tall an order for what your potential partner must have and tacking on the youth part - just makes it more unicorn-like.  Is it at all possible you do this to yourself so you can throw in the towel and stay in your safe space of yearning and longing without having to put in the effort? Is that true at all to you?

I have not experienced youth at all. Maybe That's why I yearn these things but I don't want to give the wrong impression and people think that I am a totally different person than I am. It was just a desire expression. Maybe I must simply take what I can get. 

[Batya33]

41 minutes ago, DaniKla1984 said:

I have not experienced youth at all. Maybe That's why I yearn these things but I don't want to give the wrong impression and people think that I am a totally different person than I am. It was just a desire expression. Maybe I must simply take what I can get. 

I think settling is a terrible idea and really unfair  to the other person. What do you feel experiencing youth would have looked like in particular? What do you feel you can't do now because you are not a youth anymore? My 15 year old said he back squatted 110 pounds in his weight training class at school.  My husband and I would not dare try that at our age because our backs are too sensitive/fragile -so that is one thing we wouldn't do based on age. Last December we all hiked in the Grand Canyon.  My son and husband did certain hikes I chose not to partly because of my age -I don't feel my balance is as good as it was in my 20s.  

Did you go to high school as a teenager? I mean older people go back to get their diploma but I get that it's not the same as experiencing high school as a teenager.  Did you learn how to drive as a younger person (I did but didn't get my license so I didn't experience driving as a young person).  Did you do any youth sports or youth activities like a high school play or high school band, or like that? Did you play in playgrounds ever? 

My guess is you have this glorified version of what "youth" was supposed to be like and then you tell yourself you had no "youth".  I did have a lot of those glorified things but that's also because I grew up in a major city, I was outgoing and loved to dance, I met a really cute guy who became my high school sweetheart and went to two proms with him -it was really the best. But I didn't have a college experience and I didn't have a driver's license and I wasn't in the popular crowd and on and on.

But I also know many people who had none of that - but had other  things in that time period. I had friends who were professional ballet dancers and missed part of college -didn't have any sort of typical college experience (neither did I -I commuted for most of it).  I had friends who had  to work from early on to help their families financially and others who relocated abroad and all over for a parent's job, so they never got to experience having a group of friends at a local high school etc.  My friend's daughter married at 17, became a mom at 19 and now has 3 kids under 10 so you can bet she didn't have a "youth" that was typical but is happy with her choices. Be careful about telling yourself half truths or even lies and then turning it into what you "missed out" on.   

[DaniKla1984]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think settling is a terrible idea and really unfair  to the other person. What do you feel experiencing youth would have looked like in particular? What do you feel you can't do now because you are not a youth anymore? My 15 year old said he back squatted 110 pounds in his weight training class at school.  My husband and I would not dare try that at our age because our backs are too sensitive/fragile -so that is one thing we wouldn't do based on age. Last December we all hiked in the Grand Canyon.  My son and husband did certain hikes I chose not to partly because of my age -I don't feel my balance is as good as it was in my 20s.  

Did you go to high school as a teenager? I mean older people go back to get their diploma but I get that it's not the same as experiencing high school as a teenager.  Did you learn how to drive as a younger person (I did but didn't get my license so I didn't experience driving as a young person).  Did you do any youth sports or youth activities like a high school play or high school band, or like that? Did you play in playgrounds ever? 

My guess is you have this glorified version of what "youth" was supposed to be like and then you tell yourself you had no "youth".  I did have a lot of those glorified things but that's also because I grew up in a major city, I was outgoing and loved to dance, I met a really cute guy who became my high school sweetheart and went to two proms with him -it was really the best. But I didn't have a college experience and I didn't have a driver's license and I wasn't in the popular crowd and on and on.

But I also know many people who had none of that - but had other  things in that time period. I had friends who were professional ballet dancers and missed part of college -didn't have any sort of typical college experience (neither did I -I commuted for most of it).  I had friends who had  to work from early on to help their families financially and others who relocated abroad and all over for a parent's job, so they never got to experience having a group of friends at a local high school etc.  My friend's daughter married at 17, became a mom at 19 and now has 3 kids under 10 so you can bet she didn't have a "youth" that was typical but is happy with her choices. Be careful about telling yourself half truths or even lies and then turning it into what you "missed out" on.   

The reason is that I would like to spend an important amount of years with my life partner. My parents were married 43 years, but meet a person when you are 70 and you have maybe 10 or 15 years ahead is a little reward for so long wait. I am not saying it is not worth but to me it is not enough. I would have liked to spend 50 years with my life partner but now I see this will probably be not possible unless I meet my life partner right now and both live till 90. 

[Batya33]

Just now, DaniKla1984 said:

The reason is that I would like to spend an important amount of time with my life partner. My parents were married 43 years, but meet a person when you are 70 and you have maybe 10 or 15 years is little reward for a so long wait. I am not saying it is not worth but to me it is not enough. 

My parents were married 62 years and my mom is 89 and in awesome health. My great aunt lived to over 100, my uncle to well into his 90s.  If you truly wanted this sort of longevity my sense is you'd have taken far more steps towards your goal (despite no guarantees).  I had a loud ticking clock in my 30s - for me the age was related to fertility of course.  I was not willing to be a single mom by choice and egg freezing was not an option yet back then.  So just like you I had serious age related concerns but more than you because at least back then it was a fact that having a biological child after say age 45 was going to be difficult if not impossible. 

I chose to take steps to greatly improve the chances of reaching my goals of marrying the right person and having the opportunity to have a child biologically.  I took the long way around, I made sacrifices other than settling, I had to endure so much emotional stress despite being so darn lucky to be pregnant one time in my life at almost 42 years old.  So I get the age concerns -getting older is not within our control -what we do with the time we have -totally is.  I'm glad you're seeing you should do more given your stated goals.

[DaniKla1984]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My parents were married 62 years and my mom is 89 and in awesome health. My great aunt lived to over 100, my uncle to well into his 90s.  If you truly wanted this sort of longevity my sense is you'd have taken far more steps towards your goal (despite no guarantees).  I had a loud ticking clock in my 30s - for me the age was related to fertility of course.  I was not willing to be a single mom by choice and egg freezing was not an option yet back then.  So just like you I had serious age related concerns but more than you because at least back then it was a fact that having a biological child after say age 45 was going to be difficult if not impossible. 

I chose to take steps to greatly improve the chances of reaching my goals of marrying the right person and having the opportunity to have a child biologically.  I took the long way around, I made sacrifices other than settling, I had to endure so much emotional stress despite being so darn lucky to be pregnant one time in my life at almost 42 years old.  So I get the age concerns -getting older is not within our control -what we do with the time we have -totally is.  I'm glad you're seeing you should do more given your stated goals.

And I don't like being a single dad or a blended family. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, DaniKla1984 said:

And I don't like being a single dad or a blended family. 

That's fine. I dated one single dad for a few months -his ex girlfriend's water broke about a month or so into our dating - and another once or twice. I strongly preferred to marry someone with no children and I did.

[DaniKla1984]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My parents were married 62 years and my mom is 89 and in awesome health. My great aunt lived to over 100, my uncle to well into his 90s.  If you truly wanted this sort of longevity my sense is you'd have taken far more steps towards your goal (despite no guarantees).  I had a loud ticking clock in my 30s - for me the age was related to fertility of course.  I was not willing to be a single mom by choice and egg freezing was not an option yet back then.  So just like you I had serious age related concerns but more than you because at least back then it was a fact that having a biological child after say age 45 was going to be difficult if not impossible. 

I chose to take steps to greatly improve the chances of reaching my goals of marrying the right person and having the opportunity to have a child biologically.  I took the long way around, I made sacrifices other than settling, I had to endure so much emotional stress despite being so darn lucky to be pregnant one time in my life at almost 42 years old.  So I get the age concerns -getting older is not within our control -what we do with the time we have -totally is.  I'm glad you're seeing you should do more given your stated goals.

 It is not that I have a fetish with younger women or I want to parade them as prizes. I really want to spend a significant amount of time with them. 

[Batya33]

Just now, DaniKla1984 said:

 It is not that I have a fetish with younger women or I want to parade them as prizes. I really want to spend a significant amount of time with them. 

My best friend married at age 31 and died at age 34.  You never know unfortunately.  Again if this was truly your goal I suspect you'd have done more.  Like I did in my example -I was objectively time limited and had to act with more sacrifices to reach my life goal.  One of three main ones so believe me it was really important to me.

[DaniKla1984]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My best friend married at age 31 and died at age 34

That could happen also. Of course. And that is another thing that torments me. What if I died tomorrow without having known love. This is another reason for my sense of urgency. 

[DaniKla1984]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My best friend married at age 31 and died at age 34.  You never know unfortunately.  Again if this was truly your goal I suspect you'd have done more.  Like I did in my example -I was objectively time limited and had to act with more sacrifices to reach my life goal.  One of three main ones so believe me it was really important to me.

Yes. I should've started with all this 20 years ago. 

[SophiaG]

I hope I don't sound overly discouraging or insensitive but I agree with @Kwothe28 and @Batya33 that you seem to be overly ambitious with your expectations in a partner and very unambitious regarding your own life. Of course relationships shouldn't be transactional but people are usually attracted to those with similar ambition/goals/experience etc. What you can bring to the table, so to speak, generally determines the type of partners you get. Simply being a virgin at 40 or wanting to wait to have sex isn't necessarily an issue - it will naturally lead to a smaller pool of compatible people, for sure, but even on this site I remember seeing multiple people, men and women, saying they want to wait until marriage to have sex and/or have conservative values about relationships. But combined with having never worked and seemingly not having any desire to change that, looking to spend as little money as possible in activities, wanting younger women, and not wanting to "play the dating game" or learning things through trial and error I can't help but feel that you are - maybe subconsciously - creating almost insurmountable barriers for yourself to meet that person.

Maybe I took it the wrong way but I'd be careful with the desire for younger women. How much younger are we talking about? I'm assuming you mean more than a few years so probably someone in their 20s? That's a significant age gap and you'll run into even more issues than you might with a woman of a similar age. Now, there's nothing wrong with liking vibrant, youthful looks or energy and I myself am guilty of that - both my bf and myself probably look younger for our age and are often mistaken for 20 somethings in our 30s - but I've dated many actually younger guys up to ~10 years younger and rarely had good experience. The differences in life stages, maturity levels and relationship expectations etc. are simply too huge. Combined with your rejection of "trial and error" and "failure is not an option" idea I can't see how things can potentially work well, not to mention that many young women who enter a relationship with a much older man with traditional/conservative values would expect the man to be somewhat successful, financially secure and able to take care of them. Being a good romantic partner is a learned skill. Being able to find a suitable partner is also a skill and you can't expect to master these skills without ever trying. 

I also disagree with the idea that love happens when it's supposed to happen and we don't need to do anything about it. Sure sometimes things happen when we least expect it. Some people are just lucky that love (or other things they want) simply fall into their lap without them having to put themselves out there. Others might be very unlucky no matter how hard they try they just don't seem to get much results. But those are relatively rare situations. There is a random/luck factor with many things but randomness doesn't mean there are no patterns at all. Random variables are often correlated with and predicted by known factors. Which is what we mean by "the more people you meet the more likely you'll meet someone special for you" - it's not a perfect correlation so there are exceptions but it's a pretty strong correlation overall. Many people like @Batya33 and myself have to put ourselves out there and spend time dating and learning how to date before we find love or a life partner. Relationship itself takes work. If you don't want to put in the effort or work on personal growth even if the right person comes to your doorstep you won't be able to keep them for long. Life commitment is not a value, it's a decision that people make based on mutual love, compatibility and again effort - and can be reconsidered and taken back if you are not matching their contribution or effort. Divorce is only not an option when you choose not to get married in a country where divorce is allowed.