After the break up, I’m coming to the realization that my then bf may be codepen

[Holssi]

My then ldr bf and I met on Reddit a year and a half ago and became friends. We got closer after his break up with his then gf and then 3 weeks after, he told me he was in love with me. I thought it was too fast but ultimately after some time, we got together because I had feelings for him. I haven’t been the best partner to him throughout the relationship as I wasn’t able to heal from my past romantic and sexual traumas that it resulted in a lot of insecurities and even verbal abuse to him (i feel horrible about it). He would lovingly reassure me a lot, shower me with gifts, even give me money so I could move out (i was grateful but unhappy with how extreme it is) before we met in person. 

Despite the fights, the distance and the issues, we grew more and more in love and attached to each other. He would be there for me on my good and very dark days, set aside his hurt to help me and would be very devoted to me, so much so that his daily life has my “presence” in it such as his passwords (and him giving it to me), spending months to make a present for me, dropping whatever he’s doing just to accommodate me, telling me he wanted to be with me forever, wanting to spend all his time with me instead of making closer friendships etc. I would get worried that he wouldn’t have an identity outside the relationship but he would tell me that being with me is what he wants and his decision. 

During the latter months of our relationship, he remained close to me but would also get distant during our fights which would lead to me chasing after him. I genuinely thought that he was losing feelings for me but when we met in person, I grew more attached to him. During these months, I would anxious when he would disappear for a bit or would stonewall. Regardless of this, he would still act like he was in love with me so I thought things were still normal. After an issue surrounding his ex emerged and triggered my trust issues, it caused an issue between us and we ended up having a session with our couples therapist. The session was frustrating as it didn’t provide much clarity but I was still hopeful that things would be ok. 

The day before and hours before the session, he was really clingy and affectionate but after it, he dumped me. He told me that he would always be a disappointment and I will never be happy with him (to me thats far from reality). My then bf dumped me via text as I was crying and pleading on the call. He didn’t even speak to me during the call and just typed. He still told me that he loves me multiple times even as he left. It all came as a shock and I sent him a letter to explain my feelings. 

For weeks now, I’ve been depressed, guilty for my actions to the point of numbness. We had minimal contact afterwards and I would obsess about his wellbeing and actions, leading me to frequently stalk his socials. It was hard to go on without him and the break up struck me hard to the point of nearly taking my own life. I’m so attached to him that my days feel so empty. I thought we were gonna get married and I was ready to give up my life in my home country for him. The life i had with him became all I knew over time. My best friend, who had been in a similar relationship before, had a long talk with me and let me know that my then bf may have been unintentionally love bombing me and is codependent on me and in the end, I became that for him. 

The conversation stuck with me but I still think things are my fault for the actions I’ve done in the relationship and for pushing him away. As days went by, I would end up remembering how he would neglect his needs for mine, putting me in such a high pedestal, continuing to spoil me with gifts and money even when I told him not to, taking up too much responsibility, getting upset if I’m frustrated with a situation, wanting me to rely on him, has poor boundaries and his life revolved around me and making me happy. It would get overwhelming at times but I just thought that it was his way of loving me. I would end up feeling guiltier for entertaining this “possibility” as I was treated so well and I hurt him so much. Despite this and that we are broken up, I feel stuck on him and fear that I will continue to be attached. 

[MissCanuck]

Is this the same BF that's in your recent threads? 

Meaning, the guy you only met twice in person? 

[Holssi]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Is this the same BF that's in your recent threads? 

Meaning, the guy you only met twice in person? 

Yes………..

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Holssi said:

Yes………..

Then this relationship had a boatload of other problems, not just possible codependency. 

Realistically, looking at your other threads, this was nearly always bound to end poorly. You two were too far away, built too many glass castles in the sky, struggled with issues surrounding lack of sensitivity and insecurity, and never really saw each other in person. 

Try not to be too hard on yourself here. Just take this as a lesson moving forward and don't emotionally invest in such unrealistic prospects in the future, girl. 

 

[Holssi]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Then this relationship had a boatload of other problems, not just possible codependency. 

Realistically, looking at your other threads, this was nearly always bound to end poorly. You two were too far away, built too many glass castles in the sky, struggled with issues surrounding lack of sensitivity and insecurity, and never really saw each other in person. 

Try not to be too hard on yourself here. Just take this as a lesson moving forward and don't emotionally invest in such unrealistic prospects in the future, girl. 

 

Thank you so, so much for this and for helping me out in my other threads. I appreciate you a lot!

[SophiaG]

So sorry you are hurting.

I agree with @MissCanuck. Don't be verbally (or in any other form) abusive in future relationships - but beyond that, try to better identify an unhealthy/dysfunctional relationship and change/end the dynamic early in future. Your ex has his own issues for sure. But you can only take responsibility for your actions and choices.