How do I stop obsessing over my ex-gf's sex life?

[Gatid]

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It's not about being "more fuc*able," it's about her being in a different headspace and making different choices. 

Is it, though?

If a product is more desirable, then a customer will be more likely to buy it straight away rather than weighing up whether or not it's worth buying. 

[yogacat]

1 minute ago, Gatid said:

Is it, though?

If a product is more desirable, then a customer will be more likely to buy it straight away rather than weighing up whether or not it's worth buying. 

Not if it's a big purchase. 😉

Think of it as impulsive decisions (one night stand) versus long term investments (her relationship with you).

It's not a competition and it's not about being more desirable. With this other man her mentality was completely different from when she was with you. When you were together, she was in a committed relationship and had to consider the consequences of rushing into sex.  But when she had the one-night stand, she was in a different phase of her life and didn't have those same considerations. In fact, she probably viewed it as a fun, spontaneous decision without much thought about the future. 

I'm sure your ex went through a lot of emotions and thought before sleeping with you and it was a decision made within the context of your relationship. I get that you're feeling hurt and jealous. It doesn't mean that you were not good enough or that she didn't value you, it just means that she's living her life and doing what she wants in the moment. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Gatid said:

Isn't everything relative?

It's all well and good saying that I shouldn't use it as a yardstick for my self-worth, but I'm struggling to rationalize it. 

If a woman meets a guy and chooses to go back to his place and have sex with him, that guy must be more irresistible and desirable than a guy whom she takes her time with, right? Am I not making sense here?

No not necessarily at all -maybe she was horny at the moment, maybe she was drunk, maybe she was trying to tell herself she's "cool" - your assumptions make no sense to me - maybe they will to others -just my opinion!

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, Gatid said:

Is it, though?

If a product is more desirable, then a customer will be more likely to buy it straight away rather than weighing up whether or not it's worth buying. 

I agree with Yogacat -I like how she put it.  Depends on the individual person and how they react to impulsive feelings, if they react at all.  Especially when it comes to making a purchase that is at all significant to the person.  I once bought 24 dried apricots for $48 on impulse. I'd never had gourmet dried apricots.  I had a gift card from our upcoming wedding to this fancy store.  Why did I make the impulse purchase -because i was newly pregnant with raging hormones -very out of character for me.  Fortunately my fiancee convinced me not to open them, return them and buy gorgeous fluffy towels instead that lasted us 5 years. 

My husband was highly desirable to me when we reconnected after many years.  I bided my time.  We were not back together, we'd reconnected platonically.  I weighed my approach because the stakes were so high - as did he.  Buying in that sense meant -would we choose to try again to see if we'd get married this time and start a family or try to -which was -huge! And invovled long distance and relocation.  Had I "bought" straight away or had he - it might have been too soon -we needed that 5-6 weeks where we met three times platonically to sort of feel things out internally -even though we didn't know at all the other was.  This was a "substantial" life changing purchase to use your phraseology. 

By contrast when I went across the country on vacation in my late 20s for a post grad trip I had an impulsive fling with my friend's husband's best friend because he was highly desirable and the stakes were low -we both knew we weren't up for long distance and it was just fun to have a romantic interlude that included some fooling around for  the couple of days I visited.  Being impulsive for a highly desirable man worked beautifully -had I waited I'd have already been on my return flight. 

[BrainPolice]

Quote

When I first slept with my girlfriend, it was quite a big deal. I remember that she wasn't happy that we slept together so soon and felt that it was rushed. 

I take it that this is the root of the issue. She turned your first sexual experience into "regret sex". I presume you didn't do anything illegal - personally I think it is nasty to say something like that. Run for the hills in future.

Quote

Why did she make such a fuss about us having sex, then have a one-night stand with some guy she barely even knows?

Don't get sucked into relationship propaganda. If you live in a liberal environment, and she isn't religious, presume that women like and have sex in various circumstances. That's life. Some women like to play the 'innocent card' at times. Don't take this stuff too seriously. And always presume that men exist with bigger muscles, bank accounts, b@@sh&t and feet than you. The swines! 🙃

[bluecastle]

5 hours ago, Gatid said:

If a woman meets a guy and chooses to go back to his place and have sex with him, that guy must be more irresistible and desirable than a guy whom she takes her time with, right? Am I not making sense here?

Honestly, no, you are not. 

Can only speak for myself—and I'm sharing this to help you move forward—but I've personally jumped into bed with near-strangers and opted to take it slow with others. The reasons for this are so multitudinous as to not matter, but they have nothing to do with irresistibility vs less desirable. It's simply life, circumstances, different seasons of being.

And if and when I've been a little butt hurt, as you are now, I remind myself of this so as not to make someone's personal business my own. 

5 hours ago, Gatid said:

Nah, I'm probably a lot older than you think I am 😕

All the more reason to give yourself a delicate little poke in the rear and grow up half an inch when it comes to all this, no? 

[BrainPolice]

27 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

All the more reason to give yourself a delicate little poke in the rear and grow up half an inch when it comes to all this, no? 

Shaming tactics can be a little rude. Plus, some men believe in relationship propaganda and 'Ms Innocent' until death. It's common.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Gatid said:

 think asking her would possibly give me closure, although it also has the potential to reinforce everything I fear.

It is not your place to be asking your ex about her sex life, in any capacity. 

You need to find closure within yourself and not go sticking your nose where it does not belong, man.

 

[SophiaG]

OP, I noticed you've been actively pushing back and refuting each and every response that told you no, this does not and should not reflect your (lack of) desirability and self worth. I agree with all those comments and could repeat more of the same but I doubt it will make any difference. So please ask yourself - what did you hope to hear from this forum? How many people need to tell you you're mistaken before you'll try to consider the possibility that they might be right? In other words, how can we best help you here?

Or, think about it this way - he may or may not be more "irresistible" to her, nobody here knows - so what? No matter how charming, sexy, good looking you are there will always be someone more attractive than you, or at least more attractive in her eyes. Does that matter? Do you need to be the one hottest guy for your ex girlfriend from years ago to be at peace with yourself? Why?

[Morello]

This seems to be a problem with OP's self-esteem and sense of worth. OP, if you think you're not good enough (like many of us do, at least sometimes), then it won't be hard to find things to validate and confirm that. This is just one example.

This whole issue has nothing to do with your ex. It's all about you and how you see yourself. If you had a positive view of yourself, you wouldn't even be entertaining these thoughts to begin with because they're not coming from a very rational point of view - even if you think they are. Humans are a lot more complicated than what you described, as others have already noted.

[Gatid]

13 hours ago, SophiaG said:

OP, I noticed you've been actively pushing back and refuting each and every response that told you no, this does not and should not reflect your (lack of) desirability and self worth. I agree with all those comments and could repeat more of the same but I doubt it will make any difference. So please ask yourself - what did you hope to hear from this forum? How many people need to tell you you're mistaken before you'll try to consider the possibility that they might be right? In other words, how can we best help you here?

Or, think about it this way - he may or may not be more "irresistible" to her, nobody here knows - so what? No matter how charming, sexy, good looking you are there will always be someone more attractive than you, or at least more attractive in her eyes. Does that matter? Do you need to be the one hottest guy for your ex girlfriend from years ago to be at peace with yourself? Why?

I guess I am struggling to come to terms with it in my own mind. 

Let's say you are not someone who typically has casual sex. In order to deviate from that, it must be take someone special, right? If you're going to trust a guy you barely know, go back to his place and have sex with him, he must be pretty charming/physically attractive, right? Therefore, in my mind, that has destroyed my self-esteem, because it wasn't that my girlfriend wanted to wait before having sex, it's that she only wanted to wait to have sex with certain guys. 

How am I supposed to move on and meet other women with this in the back of my mind?

[MissCanuck]

OP, I say this with all due respect, but have you considered some counselling? 

It is concerning that you are alllowing these thoughts to consume you. You're on a loop here and I don't think there is much we can say that will help you shift your perspective. 

Are you generally prone to over-thinking or anxiety? Intrusive thoughts? What have you done to address your low self-esteem? 

 

[Gatid]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, I say this with all due respect, but have you considered some counselling? 

It is concerning that you are alllowing these thoughts to consume you. You're on a loop here and I don't think there is much we can say that will help you shift your perspective. 

Are you generally prone to over-thinking or anxiety? Intrusive thoughts? What have you done to address your low self-esteem? 

I definitely find myself caught up in my own head a lot of the time. I also suffer from social anxiety and avoidant behaviour. I don't really know what there is to do about it at this point. I have considered therapy in the past, but it's expensive and I'm not comfortable with the idea of someone silently judging me. 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Gatid said:

I guess I am struggling to come to terms with it in my own mind. 

Let's say you are not someone who typically has casual sex. In order to deviate from that, it must be take someone special, right? If you're going to trust a guy you barely know, go back to his place and have sex with him, he must be pretty charming/physically attractive, right? Therefore, in my mind, that has destroyed my self-esteem, because it wasn't that my girlfriend wanted to wait before having sex, it's that she only wanted to wait to have sex with certain guys. 

How am I supposed to move on and meet other women with this in the back of my mind?

We already wrote many alternatives. She was drunk, wanted to seem cool/felt pressured, realized it was dumb not to have casual sex because it's fun/pleasurable, etc.  

And let's say she found him more attractive -that's subjective - right? So if she did have the approach you assume -I will wait if the physical attraction is not strong, but not if it is -I mean for example what I am attracted to and desire is not objectively attractive as per social media- I preferred shorter men.  You have no clue what this man looked like and very often physical attraction has only a little bit to do with looks and sometimes -nothing at all do with physical features. So then it has zero to do with whether you are a person who is physically desirable.  

There was a rap song over 20 years ago where the woman rapped something like -sorry not verbatim "so [her sex partner]asked me if he was my first and I said --- why do you guys always ask me that????"

Finally why is your level of physical attractiveness this much of a thing for you that you'd go to these lengths? I dated a reformed player type (his description of himself)for 5 months until he ended it clearly never fell madly in love with me.  6 months later he met his future wife.  She is objectively more attractive than me.  Knowing him and his focus on looks -his strong focus - I assumed that part of this was -she simply was prettier than me.  Oh and a bit younger too.  So perhaps he was more attracted to her because she is prettier than me.  Ok - why should I now cower in a corner with destroyed self esteem?

My hair was in a scrunchy and I was wearing my typical lounge around the house stuff the other morning and husband randomly says "you look great!" I mean I don't.  I'm 58, wrinkles and age spots kind of messy hair at that point not ready for date night or prime time -but to him -I look great.  Do I need that compliment to feel I look great? No.  It's lovely for sure - but -no.  Get to that place - because otherwise you'll start to look not great -that level of stress from all this rumination isn't good for you and does affect how  you look and present yourself to the world IMO.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Gatid said:

I definitely find myself caught up in my own head a lot of the time. I also suffer from social anxiety and avoidant behaviour. I don't really know what there is to do about it at this point. I have considered therapy in the past, but it's expensive and I'm not comfortable with the idea of someone silently judging me. 

 

A good therapist doesn't judge - they evaluate with the goal of facilitating you getting to a better place in your mental health.  Also it's not silent -you as the patient for sure can ask the therapist what they think about you/what you shared. I am not a therapist just know therapists and have known people in therapy and participated in family therapy many years ago with my parents.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Gatid said:

I have considered therapy in the past, but it's expensive and I'm not comfortable with the idea of someone silently judging me. 

I get that cost is a factor, but your own coping mechanisms clearly aren't working for you. 

Nobody wants to hear about an ex 's sex life, but when it's enough to send you spiralling and destroy your self-esteem...it's time reconsider your stance on doing this alone. 

 

[SophiaG]

6 hours ago, Gatid said:

I guess I am struggling to come to terms with it in my own mind. 

Let's say you are not someone who typically has casual sex. In order to deviate from that, it must be take someone special, right? If you're going to trust a guy you barely know, go back to his place and have sex with him, he must be pretty charming/physically attractive, right? Therefore, in my mind, that has destroyed my self-esteem, because it wasn't that my girlfriend wanted to wait before having sex, it's that she only wanted to wait to have sex with certain guys. 

How am I supposed to move on and meet other women with this in the back of my mind?

How do you move on? You say to yourself - out loud if needed - "Enough with this nonsense! I don't care how attractive some random guys might be. I am attractive myself and will meet a woman who only has eyes for me." whenever these thoughts come up. Then kick the negative thought out of your head like a good football kick.

And when you say this, listen to yourself. I mean really listen and let the words sink in. Don't jump to more negative thoughts to refute it like you did with all the posters here. Actually it might be worthwhile to reread their comments and write down the key parts that tell you you are your own person and your desirability doesn't depend on what your ex might have thought of you on a notebook so you can read them again - say it to yourself in your own voice - when you ruminate on this incident in future. If you can't afford or aren't willing to see a therapist, you have to be your own therapist and push back on those negative thoughts. Don't hide behind your self deprecating arguments and expect others to build you up repeatedly only for you to ignore what they've said. Do you want to be your own friend or enemy? If you want to move on from this, argue FOR, not against yourself.

[bluecastle]

6 hours ago, Gatid said:

I have considered therapy in the past, but it's expensive and I'm not comfortable with the idea of someone silently judging me. 

This phrasing is concerning, and of a piece with your posts here in that it immediately shuts down a potential alternative to thinking about this as you currently are. I would try to explore that, namely the questions of: What are you getting by confirming only the most negative interpretation of things? If not with a therapist, maybe try to explore that here a bit, because it seems connected to the root of the issue.

7 hours ago, Gatid said:

If you're going to trust a guy you barely know, go back to his place and have sex with him, he must be pretty charming/physically attractive, right? Therefore, in my mind, that has destroyed my self-esteem, because it wasn't that my girlfriend wanted to wait before having sex, it's that she only wanted to wait to have sex with certain guys. 

 If I believe a deathly storm is on the horizon I will find confirmation of that belief in skies that are clear, calm, and blue. Less abstractly, that's to say that this choice of your ex's is not the thing that "destroyed" your self-esteem but that exposed a preexisting condition. If you can come to see it like that, you may find yourself empowered, seeing this all less from the angle as something that's been done to you but something you can address. 

Really hope you're able to rethink your ideas about therapy. Can only speak for myself, but dipping in and out of it over the years has been only a boon for me and my own at times volatile equilibrium.