Gatid Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 I'll try to keep this simple. Me and my girlfriend broke up a couple years back. It took me awhile to come to terms with the breakup, but it was probably for the best, since the relationship was quite volatile at times, which didn't help with either of our anxieties. When I first slept with my girlfriend, it was quite a big deal. I remember that she wasn't happy that we slept together so soon and felt that it was rushed. Anyway, I learned through mutual friends that not long ago she got picked up by some young dude at a bar and went back to his place for sex. The dude ghosted her afterwards too. Please note that this was waaaaaay after we broke up, we weren't together at the time. I know that I shouldn't care about what my ex is up to, but this has been driving me crazy for awhile now. It's seriously damaged my self-esteem and self-worth. Why did she make such a fuss about us having sex, then have a one-night stand with some guy she barely even knows? Basically, this means that the second guy was more fuc*able than me, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 No it simply means that she felt like having sex at that moment. Assume that as the only info you have is second hand that apparently she had sex with a stranger and then he didn't want to have sex again. If that is true -if - you can't know anything else. Also tell your "friends" to stop sharing information with you about your ex -that is my strong suggestion. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatid Posted October 10 Author Share Posted October 10 1 minute ago, Batya33 said: No it simply means that she felt like having sex at that moment. She felt like having sex with some guy. He could've been a psycho for all she knew. But when it came to "us", she made such a big deal about us having sex. I just can't reconcile this other than comparing myself to this dude and realizing that I was less desirable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatid Posted October 10 Author Share Posted October 10 Would any good come from asking my ex about this? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 31 minutes ago, Gatid said: Would any good come from asking my ex about this? No. No it wouldnt. She would just tell you that who she sleeps with is none of your business if she even responds to it at all. You would just be jealous and possesive ex. How would that affect your self-esteem? Which on the surface, it would be true. Instead of viewing that she slept with you and was worried that she ruined it because she actually liked you, or even that, if she is going around hooking up with other people, maybe its actually good that she isnt with you, you chose to think how your self- esteem got hurt because she slept with somebody else and that she regreted sleeping so quick with you so that must mean that you are less desirable. You are looking at this from a wrong angle. And you havent gotten over her properly since you do care about stuff like this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 She's your ex for a reason. When it's over we are supposed to move on without them. All you are getting out of this is a butt hurt ego. None of this matters anymore. Be happy she's out of your life. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post bluecastle Posted October 10 Popular Post Share Posted October 10 Sorry about all this. The way you stop obsessing, all in all, is to call your own bluff. That means admitting that your ego is on fire, as often happens in the wake of a breakup. Like all fires, it requires oxygen to burn. Deprive it of that, and it fades. Less metaphorically: 1. No, you do no talk to her about this—or anyone. That's just the ego looking for oxygen. 2. You remind yourself of something you already know to be true: that people are complex and multi-dimensional and full of contradictions. Throw a dart into any crowded room and it will likely land on a person who has had both a one night fling and, at another phase in their life, wanted to take things slow. That's just life, humanity. Making it a verdict on yourself is just hot air and well, more ego. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 Agree with BC. He is right. My ex of long ago convinced me to have him be my first. Yes he was on the pushy side. Yes I fully consented yes I wanted to so all told no regrets. And very very good experience and relationship the next few years until it wasn’t. He also told me on our first date he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to marry and if so not till age 30. He was 22 I was 23. He proposed to me when he was 26. I said no and we broke up. And I’d told him all along until the last couple months I wanted marriage in general. I think he proposed because he saw me pulling away. Fast forward 10 years. We meet for coffee and he tells me he is gay. He was in denial. He’s been with his male partner for 5 years and is in love. Fast forward 5 years after that. We each marry that year. We each marry men. We are still in touch via Facebook. I am very happy for him. We each most likely meant well. We each didn’t know our own boundaries and true feelings at times. Probably seems crazy to outsiders I mean how can you be so in denial and how can I insist we had awesome chemistry. And no he’s not bisexual. Sometimes there is outright betrayal but in a case like yours or mine you have to except IMO that you may never know the truth. Because she might not either. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 8 hours ago, Gatid said: Would any good come from asking my ex about this? It would be highly inappropriate for you to talk to her about this. Her sex life now is none of your business. I would be angry to learn that a so-called friend shared this info with an ex, and even angrier if this ex wanted to talk about it. This isn't her problem to fix. Your flaring insecurity is yours to manage, and it will fade. But you have got to try to get a handle on your own poor self-worth. That's what is underlying this. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Shark101 Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 12 hours ago, Gatid said: Why did she make such a fuss about us having sex, then have a one-night stand with some guy she barely even knows? It's very simple : Women will make rules for the undesirable man, and break them for the desirable man. What happened to you is classic scenario that happened all the time in real life: she will tell you she " need to get to know you better before having sex with you" and drag you for weeks, but will have sex on the same night with a desirable/hot man she meets in the club/pub. How do you stop obsessing over your ex-gf's sex life? Find you other girl, and preferable a better than the one who gone! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatid Posted October 11 Author Share Posted October 11 8 hours ago, The Shark101 said: 12 hours ago, Gatid said: Why did she make such a fuss about us having sex, then have a one-night stand with some guy she barely even knows? It's very simple : Women will make rules for the undesirable man, and break them for the desirable man. What happened to you is classic scenario that happened all the time in real life: she will tell you she " need to get to know you better before having sex with you" and drag you for weeks, but will have sex on the same night with a desirable/hot man she meets in the club/pub. How do you stop obsessing over your ex-gf's sex life? Find you other girl, and preferable a better than the one who gone! If I am the "undesirable man", as I already suspected, what is the point even trying to meet other women? I am just going to run into the same problem again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatid Posted October 11 Author Share Posted October 11 14 hours ago, bluecastle said: Sorry about all this. The way you stop obsessing, all in all, is to call your own bluff. That means admitting that your ego is on fire, as often happens in the wake of a breakup. Like all fires, it requires oxygen to burn. Deprive it of that, and it fades. Less metaphorically: 1. No, you do no talk to her about this—or anyone. That's just the ego looking for oxygen. 2. You remind yourself of something you already know to be true: that people are complex and multi-dimensional and full of contradictions. Throw a dart into any crowded room and it will likely land on a person who has had both a one night fling and, at another phase in their life, wanted to take things slow. That's just life, humanity. Making it a verdict on yourself is just hot air and well, more ego. Are people *that* complex, though? At the end of the day, we are still primates driven by biological instincts. Maybe that other poster is right and "undesirable" guys like me are basically betas who are not judged by the same set of rules as the more attractive, alpha males? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Shark101 Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 32 minutes ago, Gatid said: 8 hours ago, The Shark101 said: 12 hours ago, Gatid said: Why did she make such a fuss about us having sex, then have a one-night stand with some guy she barely even knows? It's very simple : Women will make rules for the undesirable man, and break them for the desirable man. What happened to you is classic scenario that happened all the time in real life: she will tell you she " need to get to know you better before having sex with you" and drag you for weeks, but will have sex on the same night with a desirable/hot man she meets in the club/pub. How do you stop obsessing over your ex-gf's sex life? Find you other girl, and preferable a better than the one who gone! Expand If I am the "undesirable man", as I already suspected, what is the point even trying to meet other women? No , that not correct. You'll be desired by some women and undesired by others. You need to spend your time and energy with the women who desire you, and let go of those women who doesn't find you desirable. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoyfulCompany Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 It's easy to put on an emotional wall, go and have fun/sex with someone you don't care about getting to know deeper, ever. And it makes sense to build it slower with someone you have more serious intentions about. Then it's not sex - it's intimacy, attachment and potential love that could blossom. Surely, there are people who start with a hookup that transforms into something deeper with time, not for everyone though. It's been a few years, maybe her attitude towards sex changed, maybe she can separate sex from having feelings, maybe she's in a more carefree period in her life. Which one it is - none of your business. You have no right to require any explanation from her. Please, don't go to her and embarrass yourself. You are projecting. You already feel "undesirable" for some reason, you're looking for evidence and suddenly it's your ex's actions that could prove your point. Now, she's the bad guy for making you feel bad about yourself. Nonsense. She's living her life and it has nothing to do with you or your worth. Work on building your confidence. That's something meaningful which will surely pay off in time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatid Posted October 11 Author Share Posted October 11 41 minutes ago, The Shark101 said: No , that not correct. You'll be desired by some women and undesired by others. You need to spend your time and energy with the women who desire you, and let go of those women who doesn't find you desirable. How do you make that distinction? I had sex with my ex-girlfriend multiple times, even if she thought that our first time was too soon. How can I tell if I am desired or undesired? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 2 hours ago, Gatid said: If I am the "undesirable man", as I already suspected, what is the point even trying to meet other women? I am just going to run into the same problem again. I do not agree with what he wrote. I stuck to my core values when I dated for the most part and the one time I made an exception of sorts I regretted it. People are human. But I don't agree that "women" are flaky in that way. I am not, many many women I know are not -many men are not (just like my husband for example). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 53 minutes ago, Gatid said: How do you make that distinction? I had sex with my ex-girlfriend multiple times, even if she thought that our first time was too soon. How can I tell if I am desired or undesired? Watch the feet and not the lips - watch the actions - is the woman affectionate, happy to be around you, when it's appropriate wanting to be physically close, hold hands etc. - words are nice too if consistent with actions. Does she accept dates with you that you plan in advance, when you two are dating more regularly does she plan dates with activities you like and or both like? Having sex is one way to show desire -one way of many. If an adult woman tells you she doesn't have intercourse before marriage or outside of an exclusive committed relationship then decide if you want to wait but it doesn't have a thing to do with desire. If a woman has sex with you right away it doesn't mean she desires you as a person -it might mean she was in the mood to have sex right then or it might mean she feels strong chemistry right off the bat and perhaps she will continue to desire you into the future or not. I strongly desired my future husband right away and we both chose to wait to have sex for a couple of months for various reasons. But the desire was always strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 1 hour ago, JoyfulCompany said: You are projecting. You already feel "undesirable" for some reason, you're looking for evidence and suddenly it's your ex's actions that could prove your point. Now, she's the bad guy for making you feel bad about yourself. Nonsense. She's living her life and it has nothing to do with you or your worth. All of this. OP, stop making your ex the measuring stick of your self-worth. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluecastle Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 7 hours ago, Gatid said: Are people *that* complex, though? At the end of the day, we are still primates driven by biological instincts. Maybe that other poster is right and "undesirable" guys like me are basically betas who are not judged by the same set of rules as the more attractive, alpha males? It's clear from how you write that you very much want this nonsense narrative of being "undesirable" to the be the truth. At some point, sooner than later, it would be wise to explore why that is. I get that it stings to learn what we all know after a breakup: that the person we were once naked with will be naked with other people. Whether it's a saucy impulsive thing, or a serious slow-burn, the sting is a sting is a sting. But that's really all it is, not some verdict or thesis. My hope is that you are very young, and this is an early experience for you. You'll get through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatid Posted October 14 Author Share Posted October 14 On 10/11/2024 at 11:53 AM, MissCanuck said: All of this. OP, stop making your ex the measuring stick of your self-worth. Isn't everything relative? It's all well and good saying that I shouldn't use it as a yardstick for my self-worth, but I'm struggling to rationalize it. If a woman meets a guy and chooses to go back to his place and have sex with him, that guy must be more irresistible and desirable than a guy whom she takes her time with, right? Am I not making sense here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatid Posted October 14 Author Share Posted October 14 On 10/11/2024 at 5:12 PM, bluecastle said: My hope is that you are very young, and this is an early experience for you. You'll get through it. Nah, I'm probably a lot older than you think I am 😕 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatid Posted October 14 Author Share Posted October 14 I guess I am also a little shocked too. Like I said, my ex made a big deal about us having sex, and she was always quite shy about PDAs and stuff. So, to hear that she slept with some guy she just met at a bar was really jarring to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted October 14 Share Posted October 14 On 10/10/2024 at 6:50 AM, Gatid said: Would any good come from asking my ex about this? What do you mean by "good"? Are you hoping to get back together? In any case the answer is NO. Her sex life and the rest of her life, for that matter, is not your business. She sure doesn't have to answer to you about any of it. You are not even friends. For the record, peoples' attitudes towards sex, and everything else, are often morphing as life goes on. Hers seems to have done so. Leave her alone please. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatid Posted October 14 Author Share Posted October 14 6 minutes ago, Jaunty said: What do you mean by "good"? Are you hoping to get back together? No, although I still have some feelings for her, that ship has sailed. I think asking her would possibly give me closure, although it also has the potential to reinforce everything I fear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted October 14 Share Posted October 14 On 10/10/2024 at 3:35 AM, Gatid said: Basically, this means that the second guy was more fuc*able than me, right? To your last sentence, no. Her not wanting to rush having sex with you is because she most likely valued the relationship more and thus doesn't want to rush into sex with you. Entirely different is having sex via a one-night stand; the motivation could be anything from seeking validation to moving on from the relationship or simply just a urge to have casual sex. It's not about being "more fuc*able," it's about her being in a different headspace and making different choices. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
27
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now