One Year In With Uncomfortable Revelations.

[Jfhales]

I've been dating a woman now for just over a year. After seeing her for 7 months we discussed moving in together. After a week away with her I came home with a pit in my stomach. The way she talk about her sordid past seemed very cavalier, in her teens and early twenties.

She had told told me very early on in the relationship that she believed in transparency and that our devices were not off limits in a relationship. So one evening I took her up on her declaration of transparency. 

Very early on within the first month of us seeing each other when we started being intimate we cleared the air that there would be no one else of concern. She had also said that she deleted her dating apps and wasn't talking to anyone else. She said she was going to make me her "sole focus".

I read her messages and I discovered just over two weeks in (at the beginning) that she had hooked up with a guy from the bar. And had been talking with another individual and was having a sexual conversation through text. This conversation went on for the first month.

The night she hooked up with this guy she had her best friend visiting her who is very promiscuous and was seeing multiple men throughout the summer. She also was not a fan of her starting a new relationship and herself was on the hunt to get laid the same evening. Excessive alcohol was involved.

Now for myself, I was still talking to other women and still dating at least one other woman but refused to be intimate after having discussed what I thought was exclusivity with the aforementioned woman.

Earlier that year 6 months before I met this woman I had separated from my wife. I had to no intentions of returning to my ex but I still maintained regular contact as we had a very amicable separation and we're settling our assets.

My recent separation was a concern for this woman that I was dating. Although she did not voice her concerns early on, later I discovered that she believed that I was still seeing my ex-wife. 

It took me a few months before I actually warmed up to this woman. She was very standoffish and to be honest not the most warm and welcoming person to be around in the beginning. 

I did not acknowledge the relationship as being official until approximately 3 to 4 months. But I was under the assumption of exclusivity based on early conversations. 

She had told me very early on that she was loyal and transparent and that she was not going to be seeing anyone else. She clearly was not any of these things very early on. 

I was also not very clear and transparent with her either with my own behavior. But I did not violate my word regarding exclusivity in the bedroom. 

Fast forward to today the pain from knowing her behavior in the beginning is ever-present. It is difficult to not have a day go by where I am unable to not ruminate on her actions, 7 months later after the revelation.

Throughout the relationship she has made extensive efforts to see me! We live 45 minutes apart and she has without hesitation traveled to see me. Even during a road closure she would travel hours around to see me. She's very loving towards me. She's extremely helpful showing acts of service, gifts and regular and consistent affection. She recently decided to stop having a relationship with her best friend of 20 years because of the unhealthy advice she was receiving and the lifestyle she was living. 

We never argue with the exception of the things that had taken place early on and very sparsely. We have excellent communication, sometimes spending entire evenings into the late hours just talking. We make each other laugh and are often very much like kids teasing and being playful with each other. We regularly do things together actively and we enjoy each other's company. We work well as a team.

Despite all of the wonderful aspects of our relationship I struggle to commit to the idea of a long-term relationship over concerns of past behavior predicting future behavior. 

Advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Kwothe28]

I dont really think you yourself have been most faithful guy for the first month. You still dated somebody else no matter sexual exclusivity. 

Secondly, I think expecting loyalty from somebody with such past and with history of hooking up with men, is like expecting a politician to not lie. See, loyalty is a virtue. Something that you have in your morals and uphold through your life. She doesnt have that. She can not hang out with her promiscous friend anymore, but she probably didnt change her morale code. Meaning, if things get though between you two tomorrow, she could still go out, have a few drinks, hook up with somebody and blame it alcohol or even on you with “Oh but you neglected me”. Again, I dont think you are some pillar of morality as well. But if you expect loyalty from her, you wouldnt get it there.

[smackie9]

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black....

Anyways...it's obvious you two are still developing your relationship. Don't move in together if you are not comfortable with things. IMO you should wait at least another year of getting to know one another. As for communication, it's not that good if you are here talking about your concerns with us instead of her. She wants everything out in the open well then let her have it. Talk about it with her. Good communication isn't about telling stories or sharing opinions...it's about truth and honesty.