Was I too hard on her?

[Sil3nt J]

 

Long story short, met this girl at the mall a few months ago, around the end of June. We had been talking and dating for a couple of weeks, then she came over for the first time. We slept together, it was awesome. She came over a couple of nights later, and we slept together again. This time, when we were messing around, she told me that my "cum tastes sweet" and then said that usually, with other guys, it tastes salty.

 

That pissed me off. So we had a big, long discussion about that. I explained to her that I understood that she had a past, but that I didn't want to hear those things because I thought it was rude and disrespectful, and also trashy. She apologized and said she was "trying to give me a compliment" and that she "wasn't coming from a bad place."

 

So we kept dating, I we both love the same kind of movies and music, so it was nice having someone to share that with. And I loved having her over. Well, last night, we had got back on the subject because she told me that she had talked to some friends and they had told her, 'it's up to him to decide if he wants to move past it.' I had brought it up a couple of times to her because it really bothered me and I was telling her we should probably just be friends. Then she started apologizing and saying she wouldn't do it again. I asked how other guys had re-acted when she told them that, because I thought I was the only one she had said that too. She said they didn't like it.

 

Well, when we were talking about it last night, she said that she didn't want to bring it up because she didn't want to make me mad. I told her I wanted to know, because I thought she was going to tell me what those guys said when they were pissed off. But she said something un-expected and said, "I only told that to one other guy, and he took it as a compliment." I told her that I didn't appreciate being lied to (about guys being mad at her for saying that) and then just said I didn't want to see her any more. I also told her that I just think we aren't compatible and that she's too wild for me, and that she needs to find a guy who likes to hear about that stuff. Only reason I had asked, was because I thought she was going to tell me what those other guys said when they got pissed at her for bringing that up.

 

She's really pretty and sweet and I really liked her. I'm disappointed that she did that. But I'm just tired of hearing about it. I've been walked on a lot before, and I don't want that any more.

[Andrina]

Sounds like you're both young and will be making mistakes you'll be learning from. As for you, you've made your own mistakes I don't see that you've learned from which I will point out so you can, yourself, improve upon. 

22 minutes ago, Sil3nt J said:

I thought it was rude and disrespectful, and also trashy.

This is attacking her character. You have to choose your words wisely when you anticipate keeping a person in your life, which at the time, was your goal. What you should have said: Actually, I don't like it when you bring up details like this about guys in your past. Let's make a pact not talk about those experiences. I'd rather concentrate about our present and future.

 

27 minutes ago, Sil3nt J said:

I had brought it up a couple of times to her because it really bothered me a

Another thing to learn: Once you've hashed things out with a discussion and come to a consensus about the problem, it's a horrible thing to keep rehashing that problem. It should've been put to rest. It's like you're beating a dead horse and continuing to punish a person for past actions.

 

29 minutes ago, Sil3nt J said:

I told her I wanted to know, because I thought she was going to tell me what those guys said when they were pissed off.

Don't interrogate and ask questions for things you really don't want to know. What purpose would that info serve?

You've made your decision and it's done. Know though that you could have handled things better, so perhaps you can work on that so any future arguments will end with better results with a new lady.

[Sil3nt J]

And of course, everyone will side with her. There's no way she was possibly wrong for any reason for even the slightest amount.

[bluecastle]

19 minutes ago, Sil3nt J said:

And of course, everyone will side with her. There's no way she was possibly wrong for any reason for even the slightest amount.

So when you asked "Was I too hard on her?" what you were really asking was "Will a group of strangers on the internet tell me I'm right?" 

I ask that earnestly. 

Honestly, I think @Andrina offered a wise and thoughtful response above—hardly an attack on your character but simply a birds-eye view of the big picture (youthful immaturity on both sides getting the best of you and your relationship) along with some pointers on how to address related conflict in the future. 

If I was answering the question you posed here succinctly, I'd say: Yes, you were too hard on her. That's not me "siding" with her, in that I understand you were thrown and hurt—all valid feelings. But calling her trashy? That's simply unacceptable stuff. Continuing to bring it up, continuing to date and have sex and then, in moments of spiking insecurity, throw in wrenches about "just being friends"? That is equally unacceptable because it's manipulative and dishonest—a way of sidestepping that what you want is not friendship but to alleviate your pain by putting it on her. The interrogation last night? Ditto. She was in a trap-like position where anything she said wasn't going to satisfy you.

Big lesson here: Cuts do not heal by being picked at. They just get worse. 

1 hour ago, Sil3nt J said:

She's really pretty and sweet and I really liked her. I'm disappointed that she did that. But I'm just tired of hearing about it. I've been walked on a lot before, and I don't want that any more.

Lastly, let's parse through this together. The reason you are "hearing about it" is because you keep bringing it up, so it's audacious to don the victim suit of fatigue. As for what she "did," best I can tell she attempted to pay you saucy little compliment that landed sideways. It's a thing that happens, and happened. I'm sincerely sorry about your past experiences, but, all in all, it seems to me that she is more being punished for those than adding to them in this scenario.  

[Sil3nt J]

Well, I brought it up because it was very rude and hurtful. I thought I could let it go and move past it, but I couldn't because I really liked her and it put unwanted images in my head. I guess I should have just ended it after the first time she said that.

BUT it does seem like some of the people here are trying to play the game with me where they say something to get me mad, then I get mad and say something, then I get banned.

So this will be my last post. Thanks for your time.

 

[yogacat]

You're asking if you were too hard on her so obviously you feel some level of guilt for how you responded. 

She made an error, a lapse in judgment, sharing with you something that she thought was a compliment and admittedly something she had shared with a previous partner whom she implies that she thought you would find it complimentary I guess, but instead offensive.

She, like some girls, probably figured it would be very flattering to the all important ego. I would say that you also had a lapse, but just in the very opposite direction.

Instead of focusing on whether or not you were "too hard" on her, it might be more productive to think about how you can communicate your boundaries and expectations in a respectful and effective way moving forward.

I'm afraid though, once these types of comments are made, it's very hard to un say them, particularly when they are something so personal. Now if you're relationship wasn't to that stage yet for her to share so much then she definitely jumped the gun by disclosing something that had happened in the past so soon. She doesn't really owe you an apology because it is her personal business and she decided to share it.

It would be insensitive of me to not mention that taking offense to her disclosure may also reveal a lack of understanding or empathy towards women's sexuality in general.  In the future, you could try to communicate your boundaries more clearly and calmly. Trust takes time to build, and she did break it, but that does not make her a bad person.

And you have a right to feel how you felt, although harsh. 

[bluecastle]

25 minutes ago, Sil3nt J said:

So this will be my last post. Thanks for your time.

Your prerogative—all good. 

But it's worth noting that the way you're handling yourself here—truly the least consequential of realms—kind of mimics what went down with the two of you. Something gets said that doesn't sit well and, boom, the DefCon switch is pressed. Worth noting and maybe even worth taking a few steps back from. 

28 minutes ago, Sil3nt J said:

Well, I brought it up because it was very rude and hurtful.

Something important has been left out. It was very rude and hurtful...to you. Me, in your shoes? I wouldn't have even noticed. I say that not to claim high ground, but just to point out that different people have different sensitive spots. 

In one way or another, these spots get exposed through dating, though romance. It is unavoidable. As such, it's important to learn how to handle them, be it communicating clear boundaries from the outset ("I'm sensitive to references to past escapades. Know it can be hot for some, but can we agree to keep that in the can?") or communicating when and why feathers have been ruffled in a way that's respectful and productive. 

Also? No one is trying to get you banned. Be it here or elsewhere, I'd try to get a handle on this zero-sum mindset. 

[smackie9]

Retroactive jealousy...look it up. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@Sil3nt J, if you're still reading I have a bit of a different take from some others which I'm sure won't be popular but here goes. 

4 hours ago, Sil3nt J said:

I explained to her that I understood that she had a past, but that I didn't want to hear those things because I thought it was rude and disrespectful.

^^I think this was fine.  I don't believe in mincing words for the sake of "politeness," in fact I can't stand that.

You very directly explained why you felt it was rude and disrespectful, there was absolutely nothing wrong with that imo.  

It was how you felt after all and your style to be direct.  Which clearly SHE took no offense to as she apologized.

It continued to bother you so you mentioned it again which I also thought was OK.

This actually resulted in her having a better understanding of how insensitive the comment was (to you) and her being dishonest about the other guys' responses.

And her apologizing once again saying it won't happen again.  

Like I said I personally don't believe in shoving negative feelings down or mincing words for the sake of politeness or to keep the peace.  If being direct is your style, then be direct!  Which you were. 

If SHE didn't like it or was offended by your blunt but honest approach, she was free to end it.  It works both ways.

Which she didn't. Given her response to it, you might have even gained her respect by being so honest and direct!  

Re the comment itself, yes it was quite insensitive imo, although I DO think she meant it as a compliment.

But yeah telling a guy you're dating that other guys' (plural) cum tastes salty but yours smells sweet? 

Um, yeah no.  Not in my world, I cannot imagine saying that to a man!

It's right up there with telling a man "hey you're d*** is smaller than other men I've had sex with but you're better."

There was actually a thread about that recently!

However just like YOU have the right to speak how you feel, so does SHE.  So she said it, apologized, said it won't happen again.  

Re the lie about the other guys' responses to the same comment and their finding it offensive, but after you discussed further it turns out it was only one guy and HE was flattered! 

To me, that was clear dishonesty.  And if you lost some trust there I don't blame ya.

Was it worthy of a dump?  Only you can answer that.

If roles were flipped, I would NOT have dumped since it appears you talked it out, she understands your POV and feelings and apologized, which was a good thing.

But heck there are people here who believe any lie no matter how minor, especially early in is red flag and dealbreaker.

It's up to you.. Good luck.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

She made a bone-headed comment, no doubt about it. 

3 hours ago, Sil3nt J said:

I brought it up because it was very rude and hurtful. I thought I could let it go and move past it, but I couldn't because I really liked her and it put unwanted images in my head.

Bringing it up the first time makes sense. She apologized and tried to explain. You brought it up again expecting her to...do what, exactly? She could't go back and unsay those things. What did you want her to say or do when you continued to bring it up anyway? 

3 hours ago, Sil3nt J said:

BUT it does seem like some of the people here are trying to play the game with me where they say something to get me mad, then I get mad and say something, then I get banned.

Nobody here is that invested in you, your post, or you getting banned. Seriously, man. Deep breaths. Your hair-trigger reaction is part of what landed you here. You can sign off the forum if you want, it won't be any skin off anyone's back. Bur the parallel to the repeated threat to her to stop seeing this young lady is interesting. 

3 hours ago, Sil3nt J said:

. I guess I should have just ended it after the first time she said that.

Yes, that would have been the right thing to do upon realizing it was too hurtful for you to look past. 

[The Shark101]

On 10/10/2024 at 1:24 AM, Sil3nt J said:
she told me that my "cum tastes sweet" and then said that usually, with other guys, it tastes salty.That pissed me off.
And you dumped her for that? ( Shack my head,,,).
You took it too seriously and missed a great opportunity to teas her back and have a funny banter,,,
You should have replied with:
Your P**y tests like vanilla, not like the other girls who test like sour milk.  Lol. What a miss,,,

Btw, the worse thing you can do is judging woman for her past sexual experience. If you do so , she'll sexualty closed up to you.

[lostandhurt]

On 10/9/2024 at 9:19 AM, Sil3nt J said:

BUT it does seem like some of the people here are trying to play the game with me where they say something to get me mad, then I get mad and say something, then I get banned.

Wait what?  You signed up yesterday and posted 3 times.  Where did you get "people are trying to get me banned"?

 To answer your question:  Yes you were way to hard on her.  You were judgmental, condescending, hurtful and when she apologized instead of accepting it you felt like you needed to punish her and beat it into her head that she was wrong.  She was not wrong, sure it may not have been the perfect thing to say but in no way did it rise to the level you took it too so fast.

   Don't be friends with her because you will always look down on her.  Leave her to live her life as you live yours in your own way.

Everyone has a past, everyone at times says or does the wrong thing and how we treat them shows more about ourselves then about them.

 Lost

[Tinydance]

On 10/10/2024 at 3:19 AM, Sil3nt J said:

Well, I brought it up because it was very rude and hurtful. I thought I could let it go and move past it, but I couldn't because I really liked her and it put unwanted images in my head. I guess I should have just ended it after the first time she said that.

BUT it does seem like some of the people here are trying to play the game with me where they say something to get me mad, then I get mad and say something, then I get banned.

So this will be my last post. Thanks for your time.

 

Before I say anything else, you don't sound very mature my man. How old are you? You've asked for advice and people are writing long replies. They are taking the time to give you advice, which you ASKED for. Nobody is trying to make you mad. You got mad all on your own.

If you want me to answer if you were too hard on her. Yes you were. I agree that it was tactless of her to talk about other guys' cum. You told her you didn't like it and she apologised and said she wouldn't say it again. As far as I understand, she didn't then say it again. It was YOU who kept bringing it up a few more times.

Everyone makes mistakes and she made a mistake. But she wanted to fix it. It was you who kept dwelling on it and then you broke up with her. Any partner you have will make some minor mistakes. Will you dump every one of them rather than trying to work it out? Then unfortunately you'll end up all alone.

I think you have a lot of growing up to do still. All the best.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, The Shark101 said:

On 10/10/2024 at 1:24 AM, Sil3nt J said:
she told me that my "cum tastes sweet" and then said that usually, with other guys, it tastes salty.That pissed me off.
And you dumped her for that? ( Shack my head,,,).
You took it too seriously and missed a great opportunity to teas her back and have a funny banter,,,
You should have replied with:
Your P**y tests like vanilla, not like the other girls who test like sour milk.  Lol. What a miss,,,

Btw, the worse thing you can do is judging woman for her past sexual experience. If you do so , she'll sexualty closed up to you.

This!!

[The Shark101]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Wait what?  You signed up yesterday and posted 3 times.  Where did you get "people are trying to get me banned"?

 To answer your question:  Yes you were way to hard on her.  You were judgmental, condescending, hurtful and when she apologized instead of accepting it you felt like you needed to punish her and beat it into her head that she was wrong.  She was not wrong, sure it may not have been the perfect thing to say but in no way did it rise to the level you took it too so fast.

   Don't be friends with her because you will always look down on her.  Leave her to live her life as you live yours in your own way.

Everyone has a past, everyone at times says or does the wrong thing and how we treat them shows more about ourselves then about them.

 Lost

Great answer!

[Kwothe28]

On 10/9/2024 at 9:07 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

It's right up there with telling a man "hey you're d*** is smaller than other men I've had sex with but you're better.”

This. Maybe unpopular opinion but I believe answers would be different if Op is a woman. And a man says this

6 hours ago, The Shark101 said:

Your P**y tests like vanilla, not like the other girls who test like sour milk

Or something like: Baby your vagina is tight, not like all those other women that are loosy. And that all Hell would break loose here with answers like “OMG you need to break up that toxic relationship now and report him to authorities, he is such a pig” and stuff like that. But what OP received from this woman is somehow looked as OK. Because he thought its “trashy”. And I have to agree with him. She maybe thought it was a compliment. But its really not. 

What I cant agree with OP is his desire to everybody side with him. Lots of OPs do that and they come not for advice but for confirmation of their thoughts. Also, at least I believe that forgivness is something that can be achieved and that he is too rigid. She made a mistake, she realized that, even her friends told her so, and that is it. Its not something that is unforgivable. But OP doesnt think so. So its fine if he wants to break up for it. But we can call it “too riggid” in thinking. 

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Or something like: Baby your vagina is tight, not like all those other women that are loosy. And that all Hell would break loose here with answers like “OMG you need to break up that toxic relationship now and report him to authorities, he is such a pig” and stuff like that. But what OP received from this woman is somehow looked as OK. Because he thought its “trashy”. And I have to agree with him. She maybe thought it was a compliment. But its really not. 

What I cant agree with OP is his desire to everybody side with him. Lots of OPs do that and they come not for advice but for confirmation of their thoughts. Also, at least I believe that forgivness is something that can be achieved and that he is too rigid. She made a mistake, she realized that, even her friends told her so, and that is it. Its not something that is unforgivable. But OP doesnt think so. So its fine if he wants to break up for it. But we can call it “too riggid” in thinking. 

Not in those words because it does come across a bit crass, but if a man told me that I was better in some aspect than other women I would take it as a compliment. I understand OP that you consider it “trashy,” and maybe I’d prefer not to hear it also, but it comes from somebody with different perception of things.

Probably a better compliment would have been telling you that you're amazing in bed plain and simple and not comparing you to any other guy. Honestly, while she would justify herself that she was “trying to give you a compliment” - which only now, it seems, is what she was trying to do - that's rarely an acceptable thing to convey.

[SophiaG]

On 10/9/2024 at 3:07 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

It's right up there with telling a man "hey you're d*** is smaller than other men I've had sex with but you're better."

There was actually a thread about that recently!

I remember that thread but I think this occasion is very different. We don't even know how exactly she said this and it could be just some generic statement like she used to think they taste salty. Like if a woman say PIV sex usually hurts her vagina would she be talking about other guys' penises and indicating the current partner has a smaller one?

Also OP chose to bring it up over and over again and interrogate her about how other guys responded, etc. and blew up when the answer was not what he likes. All because the unwanted image that the girl had tasted some other guys? And for that she's "too wild" for him? I'd actually say the best decision he made here is to break things off because they are clearly incompatible and the poor girl doesn't deserve to be tortured any further because of this - slip up or not.

Also to OP, in case you are still reading, if your semen indeed tastes sweet you might want to check it with a doctor because it can be an indicator of diabetes.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

Also to OP, in case you are still reading, if your semen indeed tastes sweet you might want to check it with a doctor because it can be an indicator of diabetes.

I was wondering too whether it may be indicative of a health condition.

[tattoobunnie]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

Also to OP, in case you are still reading, if your semen indeed tastes sweet you might want to check it with a doctor because it can be an indicator of diabetes.

Or that he's been consuming a lot of pineapple juice.  

Not sure how her making a dumb compliment was walking all over you; discussing with someone calmly of your boundaries is very good.  Calling them trash and repeatedly rehashing the event because you are taking your baggage out on her, not good.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Or that he's been consuming a lot of pineapple juice.  

Not sure how her making a dumb compliment was walking all over you; discussing with someone calmly of your boundaries is very good.  Calling them trash and repeatedly rehashing the event because you are taking your baggage out on her, not good.

Also what does it say about you to have sex with a woman you consider trash?

[rainbowsandroses]

First off, just want to say that I'm not taking sides because imo they both could've done better here. 

Including OP's attitude re his responses after he posted this.

However a couple of things. 

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also what does it say about you to have sex with a woman you consider trash?

He didn't say he thinks she is trash. The comment she made was "trashy" --  to him.  There's a difference.

3 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Calling them trash and repeatedly rehashing the event because you are taking your baggage out on her, not good.

Reading his original post, SHE brought it up again by mentioning she told her friends and they told her it was his decision whether or not he could live with what she had said. 

Which is true, it was his decision and only his decision.

He did mention it one more time because something was bothering him.

THAT is when she admitted to lying and that is why he dumped her.  Not because of the comment.  It's all in his original post. 

So I'd say his instincts were spot on and it was good he brought it up again!

Many of you have stated one lie especially this early in is grounds for dumping so it's unclear why all the negative judgment?

Yes he was quite blunt, direct and didn't mince words.  So what?  He got the info he needed and made a decision.  The best decision for him.  And was asking us in earnest if his decision was too harsh. 

The comment she made regardless of what any of us think rubbed HIM the wrong way. Is he not entitled to his own feelings without being so harshly criticized?

11 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Maybe unpopular opinion but I believe answers would be different if Op is a woman. And a man says this.

^^I agree with you @Kwothe28.

 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Reading his original post, SHE brought it up again by mentioning she told her friends and they essentially took her side. 

That is not how I interpreted this: 

On 10/9/2024 at 4:54 PM, Sil3nt J said:

last night, we had got back on the subject because she told me that she had talked to some friends and they had told her, 'it's up to him to decide if he wants to move past it.' I had brought it up a couple of times to her because it really bothered me and I was telling her we should probably just be friends.

To me, this reads as though he did indeed bring it up a couple times before she ever mentioned her friends' views. I get why he didn't like her initial comment. But continuing to bring it up thereafter and threatening to call it off? Nah. Just leave and be done. 

They both need to grow up. 

[rainbowsandroses]

35 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

That is not how I interpreted this: 

To me, this reads as though he did indeed bring it up a couple times before she ever mentioned her friends' views. I get why he didn't like her initial comment. But continuing to bring it up thereafter and threatening to call it off? Nah. Just leave and be done. 

They both need to grow up. 

Agree they both need to grow up.  

And yes he could have presented this better - to her and to us.

I just don't get all the negative judgment.

My read was his instincts told him something sounded off so he brought it up again and to repeat THAT is when she admitted to lying about what the other guys she's had sex with said after she made the same comment to them!

Sounds like that's her standard MO?  Tell guys their cum tastes better/sweeter than other guys and stroke their ego?

Whether it's true or not!  Well this time it backfired.

Anyway he's right, they're not compatible - the end. 

Just my take. 

 

 

 

 

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Agree they both need to grow up.  

And yes he could have presented this better - to her and to us.

I just don't get all the negative judgment.

My read was his instincts told him something sounded off so he brought it up again and to repeat THAT is when she admitted to lying about what the other guys she's had sex with said after she made the same comment to them!

Sounds like that's her standard MO?  Tell guys their cum tastes better/sweeter than other guys and stroke their ego?

Whether it's true or not!  Well this time it backfired.

Anyway he's right, they're not compatible - the end. 

Just my take. 

 

 

 

 

My negative response was because the OP seems to have a short temper and just blows up. At first he only got a couple of replies and he was like: "I know everyone will just take her side. People are trying to make me mad and when I actually get mad, I get banned. So I'm leaving the forum." It's like, where is all this coming from? Seemingly from out of nowhere?

I think in any kinds of relationships, whether friends, family, romantic, people will do and say things you don't like. I think it's important to keep in mind that they may not always be doing them deliberately. It's OK to set a boundary. If the friend/partner respects the boundary then that should be the end of that.

For example, I said to a friend: "Have you lost weight?" and my friend was like: "I actually don't like people commenting on my weight and just want to set a boundary that you don't comment on my weight." My intention actually was to compliment as well! But I said: "Sorry, sure I won't do it anymore." And then I didn't do it anymore and continued to be friends. But if my friend continued to bring it up and then ended the friendship because I made that one comment about weight. That's just so over the top and just immature. Adult relationships are about communicating. And to continue to grill that person when you should just move on if it's resolved is very poor communication.