What is this and how can I fix it?

[TacticalLinguine]

Hi all, 

Hope you're well. 

I (26F) had a lightbulb moment. I have been in relationships, sought out relationships, but not once have I gone for a healthy one. All my relationships have been toxic, one was violent. I have never actually been in love, I don't think, I've just felt a sense of attachment and fear of losing the person. But I have never loved or settled. 

Why does a person seek out dysfunctional relationships? My parents have been together for 30 years, but their relationship is very unhealthy, in honest truth I'd blow my brains out if I were stuck like they are. I don't want unhealthy, I don't want to get cheated on, betrayed, lied to, so why do I keep choosing men who will no doubt do that to me? Why does a person pick unavailable, emotionally immature partners? I am not perfect, I know my faults, but never have I punished another for my shortcomings or hurt someone simply because I can.

I have a therapy appointment booked, but it's another 2 months away. I was wondering maybe people more wise and experienced have some advice or thoughts. 

---

My last relationship was a 6 month one with a 28 year old loser who I ultimately felt sorry for. He lied about everything, every word out of his mouth turned out to be a lie. In the end I found out he wasn't actually a struggling martial artist, trying to find work, a victim in every situation, he was a lazy parasite who lived off of everybody, sold drugs, sat on his couch and read conspiracy theories all day. 

The idea of dating another man made me sick for a while following that relationship. I am so-so done with people like that, but for the life of me, I do not know why I seek them out. 

[Kwothe28]

25 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Why does a person seek out dysfunctional relationships?

Because the person is a dysfunctional individual themselves.

Not what somebody wants to hear, I know. But, for example, forgive me to ask, but how is your alcohol problem? Is it taken care of or you are still “in no way wanting to stop” with using it to drown your sorrows? Maybe I am mistaken, but I think that was your words talking about it. If that is not taken care of, I can see why you are attracted to dysfunctional individuals. You dont have most healthiest role models(your parents are also dysfunctional even though they are still together) and your own MO isnt most healthiest as well. So, how do you want to achieve healthy relationship? Where other person would be mature healthy individual? 

I think therapy is a great option. But prepare for some tough reexamining of yourself as well there. People think therapy is some magic stick from who they would suddenly change their MO and be attracted to healthy people and relationships. But again, prepare for some tough answers there as well. And to make maybe months or even years of work on yourself first.

[TacticalLinguine]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Because the person is a dysfunctional individual themselves.

Not what somebody wants to hear, I know. But, for example, forgive me to ask, but how is your alcohol problem? Is it taken care of or you are still “in no way wanting to stop” with using it to drown your sorrows? Maybe I am mistaken, but I think that was your words talking about it. If that is not taken care of, I can see why you are attracted to dysfunctional individuals. You dont have most healthiest role models(your parents are also dysfunctional even though they are still together) and your own MO isnt most healthiest as well. So, how do you want to achieve healthy relationship? Where other person would be mature healthy individual? 

I think therapy is a great option. But prepare for some tough reexamining of yourself as well there. People think therapy is some magic stick from who they would suddenly change their MO and be attracted to healthy people and relationships. But again, prepare for some tough answers there as well. And to make maybe months or even years of work on yourself first.

Ask away, I don't mind at all. I drank after my gran passed and grandpa followed her only 4 months later. I haven't drank in a long while now, but it's all I had to cope at the time, my mind couldn't handle what'd happened. I don't have much memory of that time, not because I was drunk 24/7, mostly because of the shock and hurt. Reading back that I "in no way wanted to stop" when it came to drinking, and openly stated that, is messed up on many levels.

Do you see something else obviously unhealthy in the way I come across? I know I'm blunt and can come across as rude in that way. But I grew up with so many lies, mother used to fool and play me simply because she didn't want to bother explaining situations, I do everything to not be like that.

Other than that, I feel like I am doing okay. I'm honest, I try listen and understand, while staying true to myself. I'm independent, have goals.. My issue is that I imagine myself having a couple close friends and a stable partner one day. The way things are right now, I will never get there. 

I'm sure a good therapist will help me analyse my situation and make me look into the mirror, I can think I am a certain way, but if I am rude and unpleasant in some way, no excuse about my past will help it. I'm just very blind to it right now, posting here also makes me think a little. 

[Batya33]

I'm glad posting helps.  Tacking on to what Kwok wrote - I agree - I think it's also safer, as I've written, to choose unavailable people.  It's also more exciting to those who get their thrills that way -I did at times feel excited and challenged by unavailable guys or "bad boys" in quotes.  

I think blunt and direct is fine.  I think pausing before  speaking helps, keeping 100% quiet when someone speaks and not rehearsing how you plan to respond is a good way to avoid rudeness or offending someone.  I think being  silent instead of speaking when you feel a bit too emotional helps too as does waiting 24 hours to send a venting type email.  I think it's very sad that  you had a mother like that and also sometimes -sometimes -there are glimmers of positive stuff that is just covered by the negativity.

My dad was seriously ill -mentally- and I forgave him to a great extent in my 30s and I always knew -and know now-he passed away some years ago -that he had a big heart and meant well.  Especially for his family.  And he cheered me on especially professionally at a time when most cheering on was for a woman landing a good catch and getting married and making babies. 

So -yes- dysfunctional -I get it. It's a harder uphill battle for you but as an adult you have so many more options than as  that child at the whim of your mother who you say "couldn't bother" (lol I'm about not to want to "explain" again to my son when he gets up soon why he cannot have the particular protein shake he wants on the way to school this morning and man am I tired of "explaining").

Please if you can and if she deserves it give your mother a little grace if you can -maybe she struggled too in that marriage and I am so sorry she  took it out on you -I am not struggling in my marriage - I love my husband to pieces and am in awe of him as a husband and dad - but I am -tired! -I am -human- and we parents are under so much pressure to balance being incredibly annoying to our  teenagers and then also their cheerleaders -sorry to digress -I don't know your parents and if it was abusive I am so so so sorry- I just mean sometimes there is room for some grace - and if there is it's better for you as far as moving on and forming healthful relationships. Hope it's ok to be a bit blunt!

[Jaunty]

You are blockading yourself from actually getting emotionally intimate with anyone by choosing people who are clearly not available for that right off the bat. Then you proceed to attempt to force something with a person / situation where it's patently impossible.

You are setting yourself up for failure

Probably the first step away from this, besides carrying on with your therapy, is to determine what are "no go" behaviors from ANY guy and immediately moving on when they display any of those, instead of "trying."

[Andrina]

In my state, when you divorce and have children, you have to take a mandatory class on co-parenting. The instructor also spoke about future romance success and failure, and explained something very interesting that struck me as valid.

Each person should be fulfilled and have healthy ego states which are titled Adult, Parent, and Child. 

Adult: You are responsible, holding a steady job, being financially responsible. Making sure you and any family who relies on you to put in your fair share is taken care of, etc. Preparing for the future with retirement funds, etc. You show love to those you care about with words and actions and have appropriate ethics to prioritize healthy relationships.

Parent: You take yourself to the doctor for wellness preventative and sickness exams. You care for others you love when they are sick and offer emotional comfort when they are upset. You have the ability to self-soothe when you're upset.

Child: You take regular time when not working to enjoy your leisure time. You have fun with friends and hobbies and solo time reading and cooking or whatever brings you joy.

When two people are lacking in one or more of these areas, you seek each other out as if finding missing pieces to your puzzle. In many cases, a person who is responsible in the Adult and Parent areas and missing their good Child seek that missing Child piece, and end up choosing someone who is a bad Child. That person is childish versus childlike. They are all about taking risky chances, not worrying about paying bills, spending money frivolously, love bombing with quickly moving into your place as a goal since they can't afford their own shelter.

That childish person seeks you out because you possess the Adult and Parent that they lack. I saw that this was the case in my first marriage, with my ex-husband being the childish person.

So the trick is to be fulfilled and healthy in all 3 areas, and then you will seek and attract another person who is also healthy in all 3 areas.

[smackie9]

It's simple. Stop "feeling sorry for them", "giving them the benefit of a doubt", "thinking they will change eventually" "being a rescuer" "codependent". 

DO, walk away before it even gets started, you see red flags you walk, if it doesn't feel right you walk, your expectations don't get fulfilled you walk, they are rude to you, you walk, they lie to you, you walk. 

The reason you keep finding yourself in these situations is because the only example of a relationship is your parents. You never had any kind of healthy influence. 

Your problem is you keep putting a man up on a pedestal that you NEED them and if they treat you bad, you are not putting in enough effort/care for them. Solution: find your self worth. Know you are better than that, you deserve better and you can find better. Put yourself first for a change. 

[tattoobunnie]

10 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Why does a person seek out dysfunctional relationships?

Your fear of commitment is why you choose the wrong person, so you can actually avoid commitment.  It took me a long time to realize I was choosing shi**y guys to realize I was still decompressing 5 years later from having to get a restraining order on someone.

Once you start working out your own issues, and sticking to non-negotiable in who you want in a partner, the right person comes along.

Keep writing - this forum really pulled me out of dark days, and help me work through my sh*t.