How To Get Over Someone I Thought Was The One For Me

[20-smth NBSB]

I met a guy a few years younger. We're both adults.

I never dated anyone (with boyfriend-girlfriend label) and all my past experiences with love are with these toxic, manipulative, egoistic boys. Lately, I've been getting attracted to nice guys who end up being taken. Of course, I don't go for them. I've been cheated on before and don't want any girl to experience that.

I was betrayed by my first love and only "relationship" ever. So I've actually never seen anyone else as commitment material. I focused on my healing and finding myself and all that ***. I'm very happy with who I am now. I have goals in life. Family and friends whom I cherish. I only get bothered by not having a long-term committed relationship during moments of weakness.

Then I met him. Craziest night of my life. Strongest chemistry, insane sparks, a very strong pull towards this guy. I've never experienced any feelings like that before. Even with my sorta ex. We talked all night and when we locked eyes before the night ended, I found myself wanting more. And I was sober asf!

After that, I chatted him and we started talking. Casual and mostly me asking him questions. We're long distance so when I reply, he replies several hours later and vice versa. But it was consistent.

Then I started wondering why he never asks me anything. I tried to casually and jokingly bring this up but he'd ignore it. Then after a month of chatting, I finally asked him if he's the type who doesn't initiate much in chat. He tells me no and he was just replying to me casually. And he asked why I was chatting him so much when we didn't know each other that well and don't see each other in person. I tried to play it safe but eventually I told him my real feelings. He apologized and said he was sorry for leading me on and that he has a girlfriend. I apologized for misunderstanding and said I tried to be casual when we chatted because if I was wrong and he didn't like me that way then I'd be ruining a potentially great friendship. We're so alike and share so many values and ambitions (but I didn't tell him this bit). And then we ended that conversation by deciding to stay friends.

I can't help but feel conflicted by everything. On one hand, I'm glad to not have ***ed up a connection with someone I strongly vibe with and share so many things with, even if our relationship is just platonic. On the other hand, I can't wrap my head around what went wrong. I tried to be so careful about handling this situation because I really do feel and see him as "the one" but I didn't want to get ahead of myself or end up getting heartbroken. But I still did. And it's odd because my friends and family know how much of an overthinker I am. I overanalyze everything and push people away so I've been single (technically) this whole time. I thought I tried very hard to be careful but the outcome ended up with me getting the hints wrong.

A part of me is also wondering if he subconsciously (or whatever) led me on. Why though?

I don't know how to deal with this situation. This is only the second time I've fallen in love with someone. The first was with my trash of a sorta ex. That took me years to get over all the trauma he gave me. I want to handle this time better. Please give me advice.

[Batya33]

Have you met in person since the night you met in person? I think it's so exciting and thrilling to feel that initial spark. Doesn't mean the spark means you two are right together for dating, a relationship or anything.  It's a great beginning. Only a beginning.  You can't be his friend as he is in a relationship and unless you are supportive of his relationship and want the best for him and his partner you're not really his friend. Ify you were with him wouldn't you wonder if he was chatting up some other woman he had this sort of chemistry with -or chatting up some random woman who locked eyes with him?

Also you're unlikely to see him in person again -he lives far away, has no interest in seeing you in person -he hasn't made a plan right -which he can't since -he is not available to meet up and lock eyes etc.  Right? It's really easy to love from a distance.  To pine and yearn from a distance.  It's safe as you know he is not interested in you that way and in fact has a girlfriend.  A healthy committed relationship requires chemistry and a spark but to maintain it -to grow it- requires much more than feeling a pull. 

In fact it's more important to be there to give when you don't feel like giving, to make sacrifices and compromise for your partner in the name of being a team, to show your partner through actions that you care.  My husband tidied up the living room this morning while I was at the gym- while he was obviously tired because I work out insanely early so I can take our son to school- typically I tidy up so he did me a big favor and it meant I got to have my coffee earlier -heaven. 

I didn't see him and he didn't see me. I appreciate what he did and he did it because he cares.  Not because he felt this tremendous spark or pull at that moment - or because he's sooooo in love - becuause loving is mostly giving.  This person you met once doesn't desire to give to you in that way, doesn't want to ask about you, be part of your life in any meaningful way and has told you as much.  I'm sorry so far you haven't met the right match.  I didn't become the right person to find the right person until just before I turned 39 years old.  I dated many many men.

Also I'd avoid looking for a "nice" guy.  I'd reframe that. Look for a person who has character, integrity, acts in a thoughtful and generous way from a position of reasonable confidence.  A person who locks eyes with you then goes home to his girlfriend and keeps chatting you up from a distance very likely lacks something in the character and integrity department. You want stuff in common? Are you a person with values, character and integrity -then walk the walk and find someone who has similar values.  You're not alone in having a hard time in the dating scene and I'm sorry it sucks sometimes!!

 

[20-smth NBSB]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Have you met in person since the night you met in person? I think it's so exciting and thrilling to feel that initial spark. Doesn't mean the spark means you two are right together for dating, a relationship or anything.  It's a great beginning. Only a beginning.  You can't be his friend as he is in a relationship and unless you are supportive of his relationship and want the best for him and his partner you're not really his friend. Ify you were with him wouldn't you wonder if he was chatting up some other woman he had this sort of chemistry with -or chatting up some random woman who locked eyes with him?

Also you're unlikely to see him in person again -he lives far away, has no interest in seeing you in person -he hasn't made a plan right -which he can't since -he is not available to meet up and lock eyes etc.  Right? It's really easy to love from a distance.  To pine and yearn from a distance.  It's safe as you know he is not interested in you that way and in fact has a girlfriend.  A healthy committed relationship requires chemistry and a spark but to maintain it -to grow it- requires much more than feeling a pull. 

In fact it's more important to be there to give when you don't feel like giving, to make sacrifices and compromise for your partner in the name of being a team, to show your partner through actions that you care.  My husband tidied up the living room this morning while I was at the gym- while he was obviously tired because I work out insanely early so I can take our son to school- typically I tidy up so he did me a big favor and it meant I got to have my coffee earlier -heaven. 

I didn't see him and he didn't see me. I appreciate what he did and he did it because he cares.  Not because he felt this tremendous spark or pull at that moment - or because he's sooooo in love - becuause loving is mostly giving.  This person you met once doesn't desire to give to you in that way, doesn't want to ask about you, be part of your life in any meaningful way and has told you as much.  I'm sorry so far you haven't met the right match.  I didn't become the right person to find the right person until just before I turned 39 years old.  I dated many many men.

Also I'd avoid looking for a "nice" guy.  I'd reframe that. Look for a person who has character, integrity, acts in a thoughtful and generous way from a position of reasonable confidence.  A person who locks eyes with you then goes home to his girlfriend and keeps chatting you up from a distance very likely lacks something in the character and integrity department. You want stuff in common? Are you a person with values, character and integrity -then walk the walk and find someone who has similar values.  You're not alone in having a hard time in the dating scene and I'm sorry it sucks sometimes!!

 

Hi! I'm the original poster. Thanks for this. When I ask advice from my friends, it's mostly just them comforting me because they know how much *** I've had to deal with because of these pointless situationships and sorta relationships with these good-for-nothing boys. I haven't heard them just be so straightforward with me in a long time.

But I think sometimes we really need straightforward advice, and I'm so thankful for you taking the time to reply to me.

When you said "If you were with him wouldn't you wonder if he was chatting up some other woman he had this sort of chemistry with -or chatting up some random woman who locked eyes with him?" that hit really hard because I mentioned this in my post but I really don't want my fellow women to feel the kind of betrayal and trauma I've been given by someone I gave my whole heart to once before. That's why I thought of putting space between me and him. Maybe only time will tell if we could really be good buddies in the far off future but right now, I don't want to be someone who gets in the way of people's relationships when I know how that can scar you.

Also, you might not know this but you saying "I didn't become the right person to find the right person until just before I turned 39 years old." means so much to me. I know I'm only in my mid-20s so I'm a bit over-the-top in thinking this but I've started wondering if I was just meant to meet the worst of the worst guys out there. But I'd like to keep my heart open for how ever long it takes.

Again, thanks for replying to a stranger without euphemizing anything!

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, 20-smth NBSB said:

I've started wondering if I was just meant to meet the worst of the worst guys out there. But I'd like to keep my heart open for how ever long it takes.

There's no meant to - luck and timing is part of it quite often and there are no guarantees but you control who you meet, how you meet, where you go to meet people, how you carry yourself, your boundaries, your genuine self confidence.  I mean sure having an open heart -that's needed to an extent and it's very sweet and romantic but get really basic and simple.  You simply need to be open to interacting with people in environments where other singles who are more likely to have stuff in common with you -go - or alternatively just people  who like to do what you do and even if not single might be open to introducing you to single friends.If  you do that you decrease the chances of interacting with people who act like jerks except very very temporarily. 

I dated on and off for 24 years -off when I was in a serious relationship. I never considered whether my "heart" was "open" -I got out there, was proactive in meeting people, networking, telling people I liked I wanted to meet people, I met people at and through work, volunteer work, my place of worship, professional organizations, online dating sites (met in person ASAP, met over 100 men in person), at Club Med resorts (I went myself 3 of the 4 times in my 20s and early 30s), in my apartment building, through my book club, at many many singles events.  It was like a part time job.  I did meet some jerks, I dated a few for a wee bit too long but only a few.  

I totally got in my own way for sure -that's why I had  to become the right person to find the right person -but still I never ever thought there were any guarantees I'd find the right match for me no matter how open I was to it.  There simply isn't.  Life isn't fair, right?

I wouldn't settle for sexual arrangements or casual hang out/hook up situations if you are looking for a potentially serious relationship.  Waste of time IMO because they rarely lead to a substantive, loving, caring, committed relationship.  JMHO!

[Tinydance]

I totally understand that you really like this guy. But to be honest I think a lot of it was projection. Everyone wants to find someone so that's normal. But it seems to me that you really want it to be like in a romantic chick flick movie.

You met that guy in person only once and already you thought he was "the one". I don't disagree that you can find someone attractive and like them straight away. But I don't think it's like that "soulmate" connection because you don't actually know them. When you're talking about "the one", I don't think you can call someone you hardly know that. When people get married and do a speech and say "I've found the one", this isn't someone they met only yesterday. I guess if maybe they're in Vegas lol This is someone they've been in a relationship for a long time and they built that love and connection. 

I know it's disappointing because you thought you could have something with this guy. But I think largely it was fantasy in your own mind. You said "We're long distance" but you actually aren't because you weren't even dating. You met once and you were just chatting here and there. 

I think you need to try to look at these kinds of situations a bit more realistically. Otherwise you'll get hurt every time because you imagined a lot more of the situation than really was. I think this guy actually was leading you on and giving you the wrong message. But even despite that you got attached to him too much and too quickly. I don't think you should be friends with him because you don't want to just be friends. He has a girlfriend so why do you want to be "the other woman"? Even if you're just chatting but you like him and you would always be hoping for more.

I don't think that all guys are bad but if you continue to give bad or unavailable guys a chance then unfortunately that's who you'll end up with. Try to focus on guys who actually are good. You don't need to date any guy just to have someone. Try to be more picky and take your time choosing the right guy.

[shouldhavelearned]

So in this whole course of talking all night, I find it weird he didn't mention having a girlfriend.

 

Take it as a learning experience and keep working on yourself.

 

The one will come.

[Cherylyn]

You get over it by changing the way you think.  Instead of thinking this person was "the one,"  consider yourself lucky because you dodged a bullet.  Feel grateful that you didn't prolong being deceived and betrayed.  Try looking at this parting of ways as averting worse disaster in the future.  Better to end now than drag it out unnecessarily and prolong misery.  It is wisdom gained for you which is your key take away.  This is how you get over it and give yourself time to nurse your wounds.  Pamper yourself,  take good care of yourself and during other times,  surround yourself with positive role models and very moral people.  It is part of your healing and recovery process. 

[20-smth NBSB]

8 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

So in this whole course of talking all night, I find it weird he didn't mention having a girlfriend.

 

Take it as a learning experience and keep working on yourself.

 

The one will come.

When I finally opened up to my friends about the whole details of the situation, we did come to this conclusion. Like regardless of whatever reasons he thinks he has for his actions, it doesn't sit well with me that he didn't bring up the girlfriend thing earlier. Another guy who's serious and committed would do that.

Just today, I had a call with a friend who lives in the same country as him. She's more in tune with the cultural differences compared to how dating is where I live. At first she said it's also the cultural nuances that I missed but then she remembered how long we were talking for and she said "Oh wait, no. He's just a red flag." That woke me up from the drama and pity party in my head.

I know and admit I have fault in the situation as well, but he has fault too. It's a bad situation that now I'm glad I was able to get out of before it was too late. And that I won't be hurting a fellow woman.

[20-smth NBSB]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

There's no meant to - luck and timing is part of it quite often and there are no guarantees but you control who you meet, how you meet, where you go to meet people, how you carry yourself, your boundaries, your genuine self confidence.  I mean sure having an open heart -that's needed to an extent and it's very sweet and romantic but get really basic and simple.  You simply need to be open to interacting with people in environments where other singles who are more likely to have stuff in common with you -go - or alternatively just people  who like to do what you do and even if not single might be open to introducing you to single friends.If  you do that you decrease the chances of interacting with people who act like jerks except very very temporarily. 

I dated on and off for 24 years -off when I was in a serious relationship. I never considered whether my "heart" was "open" -I got out there, was proactive in meeting people, networking, telling people I liked I wanted to meet people, I met people at and through work, volunteer work, my place of worship, professional organizations, online dating sites (met in person ASAP, met over 100 men in person), at Club Med resorts (I went myself 3 of the 4 times in my 20s and early 30s), in my apartment building, through my book club, at many many singles events.  It was like a part time job.  I did meet some jerks, I dated a few for a wee bit too long but only a few.  

I totally got in my own way for sure -that's why I had  to become the right person to find the right person -but still I never ever thought there were any guarantees I'd find the right match for me no matter how open I was to it.  There simply isn't.  Life isn't fair, right?

I wouldn't settle for sexual arrangements or casual hang out/hook up situations if you are looking for a potentially serious relationship.  Waste of time IMO because they rarely lead to a substantive, loving, caring, committed relationship.  JMHO!

I'm just not very used yet to this. I only recently finished schooling. It'll take time to find my footing in the adult world of dating but I really want to thank you for the advice!

[20-smth NBSB]

9 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I totally understand that you really like this guy. But to be honest I think a lot of it was projection. Everyone wants to find someone so that's normal. But it seems to me that you really want it to be like in a romantic chick flick movie.

You met that guy in person only once and already you thought he was "the one". I don't disagree that you can find someone attractive and like them straight away. But I don't think it's like that "soulmate" connection because you don't actually know them. When you're talking about "the one", I don't think you can call someone you hardly know that. When people get married and do a speech and say "I've found the one", this isn't someone they met only yesterday. I guess if maybe they're in Vegas lol This is someone they've been in a relationship for a long time and they built that love and connection. 

I know it's disappointing because you thought you could have something with this guy. But I think largely it was fantasy in your own mind. You said "We're long distance" but you actually aren't because you weren't even dating. You met once and you were just chatting here and there. 

I think you need to try to look at these kinds of situations a bit more realistically. Otherwise you'll get hurt every time because you imagined a lot more of the situation than really was. I think this guy actually was leading you on and giving you the wrong message. But even despite that you got attached to him too much and too quickly. I don't think you should be friends with him because you don't want to just be friends. He has a girlfriend so why do you want to be "the other woman"? Even if you're just chatting but you like him and you would always be hoping for more.

I don't think that all guys are bad but if you continue to give bad or unavailable guys a chance then unfortunately that's who you'll end up with. Try to focus on guys who actually are good. You don't need to date any guy just to have someone. Try to be more picky and take your time choosing the right guy.

I am a huge romantic and it gets in the way of me throwing out the rotten tomatoes. But thanks for your advice! I don't want to keep letting guys get in my head and giving love and grace to bull*** boys. I've considered looking into getting to the bottom of and healing my relationship trauma with a professional. I don't want to like and fall for any of these toxic boys.

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, 20-smth NBSB said:

I'm just not very used yet to this. I only recently finished schooling. It'll take time to find my footing in the adult world of dating but I really want to thank you for the advice!

It's what you do when you meet and make and develop friendships -there are some differences in dating but not that many.  For me personally the differences in dating as an adult were my goals in dating -as an older teenager- which is when my friends started getting serious/engaged I became more serious minded (even though I had a serious LTR during most of high school).  But since you have close friends and interact with friends it's a lot like that  as far as skills. 

The more you use big words to yourself like "healing" and "trauma" -even if it feels good to label it that way -the more you risk getting in your own way. Remember the basics -play nicely with others, make sure this guy would share his crayons, snack, or the chips his mom packed for lunch with you, and that he is a person who when he speaks does his best to speak what is true and not lie by omission like this guy who conveniently didn't mention his partner (no it's not cultural to delay that in any culture not in that situation).  

Being a romantic is consistent with being a person who is reasonably confident and takes care of herself including in her interactions with men, including being selective about who you invest time in.  It's not an excuse to treat yourself badly "oh silly me my heart got in the way" - If you missed a deadline at school handing in a paper would you use the excuse "it's just that I'm so creative so instead of finishing the paper I got caught up in what font to make each heading and what to choose for the accompanying powerpoint from the photos I took during my visit to the Grand Canyon - I can't help being so creative!: 

Be careful to not to lie to yourself by using positive words like "romantic".  For sure being a romantic or being a very e emotional person can mean more effort in balancing head and heart especially in vulnerable situations but that's life.  I've had to do that many times in dating, as a wife and mother, with friends, etc.

Good luck and take care and therapy can be a great process especially with the right therapist!!

[20-smth NBSB]

44 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's what you do when you meet and make and develop friendships -there are some differences in dating but not that many.  For me personally the differences in dating as an adult were my goals in dating -as an older teenager- which is when my friends started getting serious/engaged I became more serious minded (even though I had a serious LTR during most of high school).  But since you have close friends and interact with friends it's a lot like that  as far as skills. 

The more you use big words to yourself like "healing" and "trauma" -even if it feels good to label it that way -the more you risk getting in your own way. Remember the basics -play nicely with others, make sure this guy would share his crayons, snack, or the chips his mom packed for lunch with you, and that he is a person who when he speaks does his best to speak what is true and not lie by omission like this guy who conveniently didn't mention his partner (no it's not cultural to delay that in any culture not in that situation).  

Being a romantic is consistent with being a person who is reasonably confident and takes care of herself including in her interactions with men, including being selective about who you invest time in.  It's not an excuse to treat yourself badly "oh silly me my heart got in the way" - If you missed a deadline at school handing in a paper would you use the excuse "it's just that I'm so creative so instead of finishing the paper I got caught up in what font to make each heading and what to choose for the accompanying powerpoint from the photos I took during my visit to the Grand Canyon - I can't help being so creative!: 

Be careful to not to lie to yourself by using positive words like "romantic".  For sure being a romantic or being a very e emotional person can mean more effort in balancing head and heart especially in vulnerable situations but that's life.  I've had to do that many times in dating, as a wife and mother, with friends, etc.

Good luck and take care and therapy can be a great process especially with the right therapist!!

Gotcha. Thanks again for all this!

[Andrina]

On 10/7/2024 at 5:21 AM, 20-smth NBSB said:

This is only the second time I've fallen in love with someone.

Yeah, your thought processes need some work, such as in this quote. You were infatuated. Love is a mutual thing that grows over time, and in person with regularly getting together. So your psychology of words is building this up in importance that what it actually was--pouring a lot of your time and emotional energy into an iffy unknown.

All your experiences to date in romance is nothing out of the norm. Most of us have to experience romances that aren't meant to last, either because they are toxic, or for other reasons such as being incompatible and growing apart.

Perhaps what you need is to build resiliency. Keep up with your fulfilling life outside of romances, knowing that romances sometimes fail but you still have your happy life in other areas. You can also stay positive in that each of these experiences, you've learned a lot about yourself and what you want and don't want in a partner. With this last experience, you should have now learned to better recognize red flags and to ask questions earlier for clarification.

If I were you, I'd make a must-have list and dealbreaker list and stick to it. It takes a lot more than feeling chemistry to decide to either keep a person in your life or to cut them loose. Everybody has flaws, but you have to learn the difference between minor flaws and dealbreaker flaws. 

I'd block this guy. Your time and emotional energy is precious and should only be devoted to people worthy of it. I'd stick to local dating. LDRs have way too many cons to be successful if they start that way. Take care.

[20-smth NBSB]

34 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Yeah, your thought processes need some work, such as in this quote. You were infatuated. Love is a mutual thing that grows over time, and in person with regularly getting together. So your psychology of words is building this up in importance that what it actually was--pouring a lot of your time and emotional energy into an iffy unknown.

All your experiences to date in romance is nothing out of the norm. Most of us have to experience romances that aren't meant to last, either because they are toxic, or for other reasons such as being incompatible and growing apart.

Perhaps what you need is to build resiliency. Keep up with your fulfilling life outside of romances, knowing that romances sometimes fail but you still have your happy life in other areas. You can also stay positive in that each of these experiences, you've learned a lot about yourself and what you want and don't want in a partner. With this last experience, you should have now learned to better recognize red flags and to ask questions earlier for clarification.

If I were you, I'd make a must-have list and dealbreaker list and stick to it. It takes a lot more than feeling chemistry to decide to either keep a person in your life or to cut them loose. Everybody has flaws, but you have to learn the difference between minor flaws and dealbreaker flaws. 

I'd block this guy. Your time and emotional energy is precious and should only be devoted to people worthy of it. I'd stick to local dating. LDRs have way too many cons to be successful if they start that way. Take care.

Thanks for your advice! I've recognized I need a lot of work to recognize and stop my harmful patterns when it comes to love. I do want to break my bad cycles.

I also really like the idea of making a must-have list and dealbreaker list. I will definitely do that!

[Cherylyn]

Healing and recovery is a process which requires patience and time.  It won't happen overnight.  It could take weeks,  months and in some cases,  years.  Healing is being kind to yourself and respecting yourself.  Healing is learning to protect yourself,  learning from past naivete and consider your current mindset as wisdom gained.  It's a way to recalibrate,  reset or reprogram your brain into thinking differently and either acting upon it or refraining from acting upon it in the future.  It's learned lessons and bad experiences teach you how to navigate your life more shrewdly.  Healing and recovery teaches you that negative experiences were not completely all in vain.

Try not to over analyze and over think because the other person isn't doing the same for you.  They've moved on as should you.  I'm sorry to say but for those who've moved on,  usually they do not fret and ruminate over you.  I'm sorry to say that in many cases,  to them,  you don't matter and you're insignificant so give them the same courtesy.  The best "revenge" is to live your best life.  You continue forging ahead in a positive way in every way imaginable and start fresh,  start anew. 

Bad people are trash.  Garbage.  They're a waste.  People will waft in and out throughout your lifetime.  Some are keepers whereas others need to be discarded.  I look at it this way:  Interacting with various people are like experiments or trial and error. 

The advantage of bad experiences is like comparison shopping.  If you know the worst,  you compare the next person to the worst.  Are they better?  How so?  Are the same or worse?  How so?  You become a better judge of character.  You perceive a lot of incurable character defects.  You use your intuition more and this is all part of your healing and recovery process.  You pay attention to your instincts. 

I've encountered a lot of bad people in my past and when I happened to stumble across my husband,  I knew a winner when I saw one.  🥇 🏆This will be you one day.  If I hadn't known bad characters from my past,  there was no way to compare my husband to former despicable people from my past life.  It pays to shop around.  👍 🤗

[20-smth NBSB]

9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Healing and recovery is a process which requires patience and time.  It won't happen overnight.  It could take weeks,  months and in some cases,  years.  Healing is being kind to yourself and respecting yourself.  Healing is learning to protect yourself,  learning from past naivete and consider your current mindset as wisdom gained.  It's a way to recalibrate,  reset or reprogram your brain into thinking differently and either acting upon it or refraining from acting upon it in the future.  It's learned lessons and bad experiences teach you how to navigate your life more shrewdly.  Healing and recovery teaches you that negative experiences were not completely all in vain.

Try not to over analyze and over think because the other person isn't doing the same for you.  They've moved on as should you.  I'm sorry to say but for those who've moved on,  usually they do not fret and ruminate over you.  I'm sorry to say that in many cases,  to them,  you don't matter and you're insignificant so give them the same courtesy.  The best "revenge" is to live your best life.  You continue forging ahead in a positive way in every way imaginable and start fresh,  start anew. 

Bad people are trash.  Garbage.  They're a waste.  People will waft in and out throughout your lifetime.  Some are keepers whereas others need to be discarded.  I look at it this way:  Interacting with various people are like experiments or trial and error. 

The advantage of bad experiences is like comparison shopping.  If you know the worst,  you compare the next person to the worst.  Are they better?  How so?  Are the same or worse?  How so?  You become a better judge of character.  You perceive a lot of incurable character defects.  You use your intuition more and this is all part of your healing and recovery process.  You pay attention to your instincts. 

I've encountered a lot of bad people in my past and when I happened to stumble across my husband,  I knew a winner when I saw one.  🥇 🏆This will be you one day.  If I hadn't known bad characters from my past,  there was no way to compare my husband to former despicable people from my past life.  It pays to shop around.  👍 🤗

Thanks! I'm also happy it worked out for you. May all women decide to not choose the wrong men 🥂

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, 20-smth NBSB said:

Thanks! I'm also happy it worked out for you. May all women decide to not choose the wrong men 🥂

I would say may all people choose to be close to people from a perspective of reasonable confidence and security and decide to create distance when that new person shows sides or qualities or acts in ways inconsistent with the person's value and standards.  I'm not a fan of gendering this because I think too often men get a bad rap as "players" or "users" etc. It's too tempting to go there IMO. 

I have a female friend now who is on the dating sites after being off them for many years. She is specifically looking for a man who resembles a certain type - think a specific kind of male actor who is "hot" - she doesn't want to marry again or being seriously involved. She wants dating and romance with a hot looking man.  Hot looking as per her type. When I was dating if a man had had her outlook he wouldn't necessarily have been a bad person but absolutely not right for me in goals or standards (nor was I objectively hot or looking for  that past my  teenage/very early 20s years!).  But if a man said he was looking for that I bet he'd be judged a lot faster as shallow etc.  Oh and my friend is somewhat older than me and I am in my late 50s.

I think the best antidote is to have that perspective of confidence, solid values that you won't stray from, standards that make sense to you. That's your armor -you don't have to think of a person who is wrong for you as garbage -he may be some other woman's treasure - there are bad people out there -women and men - but why focus on that when trying to meet the right person for you? It's way too negative and imbalanced -have a balance -trust appropriately from that perspective of confidence.  You don't need to meet a "winner" - but someone you admire and who you believe has character and integrity will be like a "winner" for you personally.  I heard two days ago about a dad who has 3 sons in travel sports and coaches and is "sooooo" calm in all of it. Wow -what a winner. Right? Sure but he  wouldn't be the right person for me -at all -and I wouldn't admire that sort of work enough to want to make those sacrifices he makes. 

My teenager has to take a standardized exam soon and be at school wayyy early that day.  My husband likely would have to drive him and in his next breath he asked if he should offer to also drive my son's classmate so the parents wouldn't have to drive that long distance so early in the AM.  To me that's a winner -he's a winner for us, his family.  It's emblematic of who he is, what he does (and my late in laws and my parents were exactly the same in that regard). 

Someone else prefers the uber-athletic husband who lives and breathes sports and stays calm and strong so his boys can compete.  That's awesome and likely would have been wrong for me as a partner.  Fortunately truly bad people are the minority OP and since you plan to work on yourself with the self confidence and implementing those behaviors you're less likely to run into such a person other than very fleetingly.  Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

OP, ask yourself this: 

What knowledge of him and experiences with him led you to think he was The One?